Obama Calls Twenty-Something Singles A “Disgrace to America” and “Lepers!”

21 May

Gotcha!

Alright, so that’s not quite true, but it does get you guys to open this! (Don’t sue me, Obama!) Are you finding that everyone around you is practically married and you’re alone? Are your friends all in committed relationships and you can barely commit to what to make
for dinner tonight? Then my friends, I welcome you to “the club.” Our members are comprised of twenty-something’s who for whatever reason have been unable to find their special someone to share life’s joy and misery with.

Fact: We are alone
Fiction: We are lepers
What’s up with that? Why is it we can’t be single and fabulous, single and awesome, or
single and so amazing it’s frightening and people not look at us with pity and disgust?
Fact of the matter is, just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re sad about it. It’s
less to do with the fact we CAN’T date someone, but rather that we choose not to. The
reality is everyone can date “someone” but maybe we’re single because we don’t just
want to date anyone. While it would appear we are desperate and alone to those “on
the inside (our friends in relationships),” we actually are quite content with hangin’ and
bangin’…chillin’ and killin’….hittin’ it and quittin’ it.

How are these puns doing?

Not to say we wouldn’t date people, but we’re selective.

Alright, so maybe the reality is we don’t meet the right people. We meet people who are afflicted (mainly mentally) in one way or another. Maybe, it has to do with the fact we listen to our married friends complain about their relationships so often that we’re so grateful that we have don’t have to answer to anyone at any time…for any reason.

If your married buddy is telling you his old lady sniffs his pants every time he comes home, wants him to give up poker to stay home and watch the Kardashian Circus on repeat and checks his phone to make sure his ex-girlfriend from 1995 isn’t texting…would you be listening on the other end like, “Man, when is this going to happen for me?”

When I have a girlfriend call me and say, “Listen…if Dan calls you, we were together last night watching Bridesmaids. Don’t tell him Tim came over though, because he hates him and he’ll go ballistic.”

Things change when you’re in a relationship and everything and everyone feels the effects. Your plans change, your hobbies change, your attitude changes.

“We love to rollerblade now. We go all the time to our favorite spot where the sushi is
just the best.”

What? What the hell just happened?

Now you “rollerblade?” I can barely get you take a three-minute walk to Walgreens, but you’ll rollerblade 30 minutes to the beach? And you said “WE” three times in two minutes…and I just threw up in my mouth.

When do your thoughts meld as one?

When do you start liking cats although you’re deathly allergic and are wishing for some virus to freakishly wipe out all domesticated cats.

You start doing things you never envisioned, sacrifice the things you once loved because you’re self-conscious your partner may not like it. Sometimes your plans change. Maybe you don’t move somewhere because you met this incredible person, or you move somewhere for some incredible person. Either way, shit changes.

Beyond that, friendships change. We, the single, have to stand there and smile and act happy. It’s not that we’re not happy for you…it’s that we would like the following things to happen when we’re with you and they’re not.

Do not spend the whole time talking about them. ONE minute for each month you two have been together. That’s enough.
Do not answer the phone when they call and talk baby talk and coo and carry on a twenty-minute convo with them while we’re in the car unless it’s an emergency. We, your friends, only get to see you a limited amount of time so pretend like you’re excited to hear about our cats new outfit, or how we got a new outfit, a new fling, or a new poker tournament going on for singles…only.

Lots of friends have significant others that live out-of-town. The hardest thing is when they come into town, because it’s like we suddenly don’t exist anymore. You know why it’s hard? We get used to not having to share you. Then your significant other comes into town and not only do we take a back seat (which is understandable), but it’s like we’re in a car….four cars back…in the trunk, perhaps. This is more our issue, but it
doesn’t feel good regardless!

When you dress alike, it makes me want to punch small animals. When you groom each other in public, it makes me want to punch babies ( who
are already on my shit list to start with).
Fact: Being in a relationship is awesome
Fiction: Being in a relationship is awesome

It goes both ways! This may sound like a rant from a “hater,” but guess what? It’s not. Each of us is guilty of this when we get into a new relationship and go ga-ga for the new significant other we can’t wait to explore. Everybody else matters less than them, because we KNOW everybody else already.

Why being single is awesome:
1. We do what we want

2. No one to answer to

3. Come home as late as we want and climb in bed with whomever we want

4. Getting drunk and naked, as well as crying publicly are more accepted

5.Life is exciting and unpredictable! You never know who you’ll meet, have a little
spontaneous fun with, etc.

What’s awesome about a relationship?
1. Using a 2 for 1 coupons without feeling weird
2. Operating a paddle boat correctly
3. Riding a two-seated bike
4. Can own walkie-talkies and always have someone to talk to
5. Comfortably ride a see-saw

Fact: As we get older, more and more of our friends are getting married
Fact: There is an ass-load of pressure to catch up to them
Fiction: It makes us less awesome that we’ve not “taken the plunge” down the
marriage or baby slide

Like I said above, there is a bit of pressure, right? And here we single people are, standing in front of our refrigerators before dinner thinking…chicken…or fish? Meat…? Then you realize, “I’m single! I can have it all!”

Lots of our twenty-something’s friends have already found their soul mate…or the person they have chosen to torture and make miserable for a certain amount of years before divorcing and taking half their stuff. What is the rush!? Why are people so ring hungry and baby hungry? Don’t they read statistics? If you rush into something, there’s a distinct possibility that you don’t know who these people are. Also, the more TIME
you take to know someone, the better foundation you build for a lasting, successful relationship (duh?).

On a scary note, look at some of these people who are married 25 years before they get murdered by their spouse! Just sayin’…you never fully know someone, but you have a better chance of knowing someone after multiple years rather than months.

“We met and we just knew. We fell in love six months ago and we’re engaged and if I could marry them tomorrow, well…dang-nabit…I would. They’re amazing, they emanate rainbows and ponies and all things sugary and wonderful!”

OF COURSE THEY DO!

It’s been six months! Wait another few months and they’ll gladly peel back their skull, slowly but surely, to start to reveal themselves. But by the time they start to reveal, you’re balls deep in that relationship and suddenly, single life starts to sound pretty, PRETTY appealing.

To my friends in relationships, don’t kid yourselves…enjoy your honeymoon phase for sure, but sooner or later…you’ll be on the phone with us single folk going, “Oh…you’re going to the movies? That’s cool; John and I haven’t been out in weeks. Well, with his mother in town and the cat having explosive diarrhea, we’re sort of stuck. Plus, he starts to hyperventilate when we leave the cat alone for more than an hour anyway, so a three hour movie is totally out of the question.”

America, listen up. We’re not lepers…we’re alone, but while you “couples” progressively
grow more boring, guess what we’re doing? Growing more awesome day by day!

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