A Simple Guide On How To Suck Less, Overall!

22 May

Amen!

 

It’s a little difficult for me to write a serious post, as I tend to enjoy making people laugh more than anything else. Today, unfortunately, due to my somber mood…I’m going to drop some seriousness up in here. I’d like to talk about the suckery, upset, disappointment and general douchebaggery that seems to be continuing to get worse. People are not who they portray themselves to be, they lie more and more, and it’s becoming difficult to trust anyone or believe any of the drivel they say. The other issue, is that South Florida is a small place. When you get into the different religious, political, cultural and hobby-based circles that people participate in…it gets that much smaller.

My point is, like Margaret Thatcher said (or maybe it was Trick Daddy), “Everybody knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody.”

That being said, here’s a small guide on how to suck less, overall.

  1. Start by telling the truth: It’s not that hard. Just make sure when you open up that giant suck hole on your face, words come out that are purposeful, meaningful, and oozing with honesty instead of laced with a big load of bull.
  2. Care a little: I’m a human being, and would love to be respected and talked to as such. Beyond that, I need to learn not to be overly trusting and compassionate. I know, how silly of me to believe in others…right?
  3. Integrity… “GET YOU SOME!” I think that’s my new tagline, grammar be damned. Nobody panic. I’ve noticed that everyone’s integrity has gone out the window. Snuck out in the middle of the night. “Hide yo morals, hide yo values…they stealing everyone’s integrity up in here!” Well, just like “The Bed Intruder,” I have the same message… “Don’t worry, Integrity! We are LOOKING for you!” I’m so incredibly disappointed with people in general, and I have lost all hope.
  4. Show yourself, as you are…from the get go: Here’s the thing…if we don’t know each other well, that means you have no idea who I know and I have no idea who you know. While I mentioned above that everyone knows someone, I’d like to reiterate. You are dumb to hide anything, or try to portray yourself as a mythical unicorn…if you’re just a jackass with a cone-shaped headpiece on.  Someone will hear your name, and instinctively regurgitate everything and anything they know…and you will be…le fucked.
  5. Google is a hell of a tool, and apparently…so are you: If by now, the power of Google is a shocking notion to you, I’d like you to participate in the following exercise. Extend your dominant arm, making your dominant hand rigid and bringing your fingers to a point.  Please proceed to swing that hand at your face, until you slap some sense into your clearly empty head. SO you withheld a marriage…a divorce…5 kids…a prison record…that you lived in another state…you lost jobs for sexting or sexing coworkers? All these dirty little things you thought you could keep secret and still portray yourself as an upstanding member of the community…jokes on you, SUCKA. What you chose to not share, Google did…in 5 seconds. In seconds, I learn what would normally take days, weeks, or even months.

Overall, I like to think I’m pretty forgiving (dumb), understanding (stupid), and all around trusting (silly little girl). I’m upfront and honest, and seriously am more confused by the dishonesty of others and general craptastic demeanor that seems to be on display 24/7.

As Biggie Smalls once said (or was it Dr. Suess?), “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you can adhere to these five simple rules above (which most humans should be able to considering a MONKEY and a ROBOT could probably handle it), you’ll be well on your way to sucking less…overall.

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