Tag Archives: duh

Relationships: You’re Doing it Wrong

4 Feb
WORD.

WORD.

Sadly, when I think of my friends right now, I want to shake most of them and throat punch the rest of them.  If you’re anything like me, your friends (men and women) are stuck on stupid (whether it’s figurative, or that dude with the leather jacket and bad life decisions we tried to warn them about).  While I can’t really say what’s happened over the years, I can say that getting older and dealing with your friends who are in relationships (or who desperately want someone in their life) has become tiring, frustrating and downright pathetic.

We’re young and settling, making excuses instead of empowering each other to make better decisions. Part of it is that it’s a rough world out there for the single folk. The older you get the more you start to feel like you’re at a carnival with only bearded women. Except some of those women are dudes. It’s a metaphor.

People are so afraid to be alone it’s scary. Everyone is jumping into relationships, pushing for engagements and marriage, but are they even sure of who they are and what they want? Sure, you may never know, but isn’t it more important to know yourself before you entertain knowing/loving someone else? I’m no rocket scientist, but…seems pretty simple and mind-blowing to me.

If it’s not bad enough, each friend has their own sort of “relationship slogan” as I like to call them:

–          “OMG that’s totally how it was for me. TOTALLY.”

–          “It just takes one.  I mean, I thought it was going to be this other guy, but he wasn’t the one.”

–          “I had to go through a LOT of jerks.”

–          “And here I thought you couldn’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Welp, I was WRONG.”

Now, for no reason whatsoever, here are the things I’m sick of:

Female friends:

1. Just because you were in a bad relationship and now you’re in a good one does NOT make you a relationship expert.

2. Stop making excuses. Just stop. “Well, I promised I’d do this thing because I mean, he did this thing that doesn’t matter for me, but now I just feel like I owe him, you know what I mean?” Or “I just feel like I have to. He’s like, a really good guy at heart I think. The two manslaughter charges against the family of armadillos are TOTALLY getting dropped in 2014.”

3. Stop crying over rotten men. Just like expired milk, toss it in the garbage and don’t look back. Would you drink expired milk? (No: then why would you stay in something that has expired three weeks ago?) (Yes: well, you’re just one sick puppy, aren’t ya?)

4. Stop pretending that your relationship is perfect. It’s not. Know why? (spoiler alert) NOTHING is perfect. If you’re trying to get me to believe that your honey does nothing but poop rainbows and sunshine, try again.  (I’ve lived with two men, I know better)

5. Stop MAKING UP PROBLEMS to talk about your men. “Oh my GOD, I was so pissed at Tom last night. You’ll never guess what he did!” No. Wrong. I probably will. And guess what? It’s not that bad. If he forgot to meet you out, didn’t want to come over, etc…shut it. Just shut it…and leave him alone. He’s a human being.

6. Don’t forget your friends. Even though you choose to neglect them for whatever your reasoning may be (probs because we’re too single and fabulous to be around. Or, more likely because we come in a team of 1 and you’re now a team of 2), they’re still there. AND, we’ll either be there at the wedding, or there to help move you out.

7. Don’t invite us out to couples night and pretend you’re a different kind of couple. “No, no! Come out! Yes, it’s couples game night and you’d be the only one there alone, BUT…I mean…we’re NOT that kind of couple.” Ah yes, that feels fun. Your intentions are good, but c’mon….c’mon…that leaves your single friends ready to hop in the bathtub and listen to Sade’ then play a little skin violin. At least do us a solid and bring that delightful single person you keep trying to hook us up with.

8. In other news, stop trying to hook us up with your boyfriend’s shitty friends. We don’t want them. He’s awful. They’re awful. Stop it.

9. Stop complaining about not going out anymore. “Oh man, I envy you…you get to cram your feet in 8’ heels, put on a short glitter skirt and parade around. What a lucky gal.” No one past 23 actually ENJOYS doing that.

10. STOP ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AT GIRLS NIGHT EVERY TIME YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CALLS, DESPITE KNOWING YOU’RE AT GIRLS NIGHT. Holy cow, nothing makes me crazier. Then you answer the phone, “Hey babe. No, I’m just sitting here with Ally. Well, did you poop today? You did? That’s a big boy. What color was it? Ok babe, I have to go but I love you. Congrats on your giant turd.”

Male Friends:

1. Dude, I get it. Boobs are totally awesome. I have a set. At some point, my level of cool is compromised and I just can’t hear about or help you judge a “juicy pair of jugs.” RESPECK.

2. Stop telling me about your “standards.” Psssh. What you should say is: this is what I’d like…if Jack Daniels wasn’t involved.

3. Another thing about your “standards” is be REALISTIC. If you’re a pseudo lagoon creature, stop trying to look for a girl who is a Victoria’s Secret model, with the brain of Einstein who wants to do nothing but blow you, bake brownies and have babies. Actually, if you meet a woman who wants the 3 B’s (as I just mentioned) you marry her…marry her, I say!

4.  Stop making excuses for crazy women. Some bitches be cray…recognize a red flag or 15 when they unfurl and move on.

5. No, I will not set you up with any more of my friends after the last incident. You know what I’m talking about; I don’t think I have to say it.

I think it’s the same principle that people talk about at award shows…ya know, don’t forget the little people. Bitter? No. Jaded? Maybe a little. Happy for those who genuinely find something good? You betcha. As for the rest of your heffers who are willing to settle for anyone who’s interested in you? Keep it to yourself, the adults are talking.

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Listening Is So Last Season!

17 May

Obviously!

 

 

Let’s discuss a pandemic effecting our friendships nationwide. Oftentimes our friends have to move all over the Country, so it’s only logical that we keep in contact with them through one of the thousands of ways made possible to us through technology. Whether it’s old school and you use the phone,  or prefer email, Facebook, Twitter, video chat and the like.

If you’re like me, you may have noticed that  several of your friends love the sound of their own voice a tremendous amount. These friends, who would marry their voice if it was legal and that statement made any sense, tend to get you on the phone and do several things:

1. The bait and switch:

Here, a friend may ask you how you’ve been, what you’re doing or what’s new? As soon as you get three words out of your mouth, they find ONE word and take on the conversation.

For example:

Them: “How’s your dog? Still in the hospital?”

Me: “Oh, he’s doing well. He was given some strong medication-” ”

Them: “OH I just got some medication too for this thing that’s been going on. I’m not sure what it is but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

Expect this to go on for the next 30 to 40 minutes. I suggest speaker phone and a TV show on mute.

2. The “I feel for you” fake out:

This is where a friend may ask you a more in-depth question they know will get you talking.

Them: “Anything new with your live in paraplegic boyfriend Jim and his pet monkey?”

It would appear, said friend would LOVE for you to engage in a lengthy conversation regarding your poor, handicapped boyfriend Jim. No, NO I say! At this juncture in the conversation, your friend is anxious to jump in; like when you buy something from a candy machine and jump the gun, trying to open the bottom slot and wind up jamming and mushing the candy between the slot and your hand. It’s just no good. PATIENCE. Why ask me a question you care nothing about?

People should just get on the phone and say… “I know I called you to pretend I care about what you have to say…but really, I just want to bore YOU to death with all my stories and self-absorbed crap.” Because a conversation is like anything else….give and take. Plus, generally, you should CARE about who you’re talking to and what they have to say. Why fake it? Seems silly.

The jump in would look like this:

Them: “Anything new with your live in paraplegic boyfriend Jim and his pet monkey?”

You: “Well, Trevor is trying to potty train it because-”

Them: “AWW! I know when my boyfriend, Micah, tried to potty train HIS monkey…it was like, so hard. But just bribe him with bananas. That’s what works!”

You: “Trevor, sadly, has a banana allergy…so-”

Them: “NO WAY. He’s a monkey! That’s impossible! I’m telling you, it works!”

This can go on for some time..it’s best to cut it off ASAP. It’s like their word is gospel and should be treated as such. This can also tie in greatly with the competition factor…

3. The competitor

Number two essentially covered the basics. This is similar with one minor tweak. Anything you say, they have a reply for. They’ve done what you’ve done and THEN some and they have no issue letting you know what’s up.

Nothing you do will be impressive…ever. Mainly because whatever hardship you’ve gone through, theirs has been worse. Whatever pain, heartbreak, happiness, success…they will trump you every time.

For these types of friends, I suggest placating them. “Oh, yes! Poor you! Awesome you! GOOD FOR YOU!”

It is the only way to calm the beast.

These people get a big YIKES from me. Listening and communication skills are a fundamental foundation for relationships and friendships alike!  What has happened to our society, so dependent on social media and hell-bent on NOT communicating and building foundations that are so VITAL to forging lasting relationships ( whether it be school, work, relationship, friendship, etc).

Communication skills… “GET YOU SOME!”