Tag Archives: reality

If You Wanna be My Lover, You Gotta Get With These Trends

25 Feb
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

Everyone has standards. Some are rational, like “he must not be a serial killer (or a cereal killer. Seriously, I hate it when they finish the last of the cereal!),” or “she must have almost NO STD’s for this to work out… OK, maybe one is OK. NO, NO. None.” Then there are some “standards” that wouldn’t be categorized in the rational category. I call those irrational mandatory must-haves my “Spice Girl” list. To ensure the guy knows how to “Spice Up Your Life,” I run through this list of must-haves, compiled from dudes I’ve previously dated (or what I affectionately refer to as the are-you-freakin’-kidding-me…list).  If you want to make sure that “2 Become 1,” here’s what you must have:

1. You must know who Drake is – Am I serious right now? Yes. Yes, I am. How is it 2013 and you have no idea who Drake is? All you listen to is Grateful Dead? Well, when you’re done lighting your sage and braiding your hair, don’t call me.

2. You must own a TV— I hate to pull the “it’s 2013” card twice in a row, but I seriously dislike nothing more than hearing some pretentious asshole talk about why they don’t have a TV. “Nature is too beautiful,” or “I prefer to read at night,” or “I’m busy making a replica of a human woman out of string and bits of hair.”  I love comedy. I love TV. I can’t compromise on this one!

3. You don’t understand the importance of a first date – I get it. Women are “scary.” Actually, it’s probably less about the fact we can be scary and more about rejection. Nobody likes to feel rejected. Last night a friend of mine told me a story about how her sister was in love with this guy. She finally grew a pair and asked him if he was into her too. He said no, but she felt “SO MUCH BETTER.” That sounds…just…awful to me. BUT I get it. That being said, if I have to be vulnerable…you’re going to have to work a little.

Asking someone on a first date is like giving them a glimpse into your head. Are you going to ask me to the movies? Ok, so you’re not a talker.  Meet up for a drink? You’re not sure if you like me and want to see what happens if we have ONE drink before you financially commit to an entire dinner (and I commit to taking my pants off). Oh, let’s grab a coffee at Starbucks? That means you like me slightly less than the person asking me for a drink. That’s like the lowest form of date imaginable. Teetering on friend level and that’s exactly what you’d like to me know before we get there. This could go either way. Dinner? Full on, DINNER? You dig me. You want to impress me. And you hope I check the box next to  yes when you pass me the “Do you like me?” note.  Do something totally out of the ordinary like take me go-karting? Well, that’s marriage material, fella.

IF you’re not willing to take a chance, man up, and ask me out…we’ll have to say “Goodbye” before we even say hello.

4. You incorporate “gangsta speak” into conversations non-ironically – I’m all for droppin’ a little thug knowledge during a conversation, but entirely ironically. I’m not actually asking if you “nah sayin?” Because I would never actually say that in a serious way.  For some weird reason, the wealthier and more educated the schmuck is, the more he wants to fake his way through a thuggish ruggish speech. We’re not finna happen, ya dig? Just do you boo boo and we’ll be aight.

5.  You’ve beaten the internet and there is no trace of you – Nothing screams Law and Order SVU episode like not being “traceable.”  I don’t understand people who have escaped Google, Facebook, and been able to keep their life off the inter-webs. Makes me nervous! Even some kind of SMALL presence lets me know you’re not a robot or a rapist (or worse….a robo-rapist).

6. Your manners are on vacay in Katmandu – If you slurp soda like a sloth licking marmalade off a tree…this isn’t going to work.  If half your dinner ends up on your shirt and pants, then you re-wear them the next day…this isn’t going to work.  If you walk ahead of me or behind me instead of by me…this for SURE isn’t going to work. Remember: Men with manners make it further than those who don’t have any….nah sayin?

7.  Your funny bone is “in the shop for repairs”— If your sense of humor is also on vacy with your manners in Katmandu, don’t call me, maybe.  Nothing is sexier than a guy who can make me laugh or at least appreciate good humor. Silly humor. Stupid humor. POOP humor. Anything that qualifies as humor, qualifies as my kinda thang. If you’re going to be my kinda thang, it’s important we have this in common. Laughing at my jokes is not mandatory, but is greatly appreciated (and works wonders on that first date we were talking about).

8.  The only pair of dressy shoes you own are “fancy” sneakers– Dear LORD, I cannot stress this enough. Sneakers aren’t dress shoes. Nike Air Max doesn’t qualify as a dress shoe. New Balance does not make a dress shoe. When did this become a “thing?” I’m not talking about Puma’s, or Sketchers, or those kind of comfy with a little dressy mixed in….I’m talking about straight up SNEAKERS.  If you’re over 23 and don’t own a pair of dress shoes…you’re doing it wrong.

9. You aren’t divorced….yet – These are my favorite type of men. They’re not quite divorced, but “separated” for like, 9-12 months and ready to start something new.  To get the ball rolling, they don’t tell you they’re still married until you’re already out with them. From there, they launch into every reason why they are both over their wife and why it didn’t work. They make sure to not say anything too terrible and tend to take the “she’s an amazing woman, but we just weren’t right. We were too young, etc.”  The date usually ends with me counseling them, talking things through, then I head to the car and scream…and face-palm on repeat. D’OH!

10. You have more personalities than Sybil and you’re higher maintenance than Mariah Carey – Recently, I’ve found that some men are worse than women when it comes to getting things “their way.”  I shouldn’t have to coax you through the start of our dating period. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be my boyfriend or try to decipher your confusing and weird behavior and text messages. Be straightforward. I’m prettttttty open and straightforward. I expect the same. If you’re going to have a long list of demands and then change your mind every five seconds, I’m not sure a gal can keep up!

A friend of mine once asked me what I was looking for in a guy. I replied, “I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want…” with a lengthy list of “must-haves” and “must have-nots.” He looked at me and said, “You don’t know what you want. And you won’t know what you want until it shows up.”

Well, he’s right. So far it hasn’t been awesome, so for now…we wait! A ziggy-zig-ah!

Advertisements

Tales Of Online Dating: Poopie Pants

16 May

It’s not me, it’s YOU. A thousand times, YOU!

This story that I’m about to tell is particularly strange, but I swear on my dog’s life…it’s legit. I have this awful habit of getting frustrated with the normal dating scene and turning to the Internet. I’ve only done it a few times, for reasons you pretty obvious by the time this post is done. So! One summer a few years ago I got very tired of being single. My mother says to me, “You should try J-Date.” J-Date it a site where other Jewish people can get together and date, kind of like Match.com or E-Harmony….just for Jews. The entire reason my mom pushes this is because I do not date my own kind. Weird? Maybe. But it’s how I roll.

ANYWAY!

I join and see two guys worth giving my screen name to. Not even phone numbers, but email/IM. Fine. Cut to an IM I receive from George, a teacher from Miami who “seems” relatively well-adjusted minus the main profile picture being him and Goofy from a recent trip to Disney.

Him: Did I tell you the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me?
Me: Ehm…no? We’ve only been talking for about 10 minutes now.
Him: Well it happened today, do you want to know?
Me: Sure? Go for it….

What the hell was I getting into! I was definitely not ready for the response I received.

Him: So today, I’m on the way home and I got stuck in some heavy traffic.
Me: Okay…that seems pretty standard.
Him: I realized that it was too late to turn off anywhere and I really had to…pee. So I just kind of went. Right there. In my pants.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (etc.)
Him: IT’S NOT FUNNY! IT’S A SERIOUS CONDITION.
Me: (still laughing) OMG…you cannot be serious!
Him: Very!!!

Okay, I sign off. I’m disgusted a little, but think it’s hilarious. No way it could humanly be true, right? For  reasons I cannot explain at the moment, I decide not to block him. After a few weeks of not hearing from him, I completely forgot that he even existed.

About a month later….

Him: Hi, remember me?
Me: I think so…George?
Him: Yes, how are you doing?

Cut to boring conversation of pleasantries for the next five minutes. Then…cut back to this.

Him: Did I tell you the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me?
Me: Yes, you did…last time.
Him: No, something else happened pretty recently.
Me: Uh…I don’t…think…
Him: Well, I’m driving home again, but this time…I had to poop.
Me: WHAT!? You are going to tell me….at 25….you had to poop while driving home, so you just…pooped? Right in the car? In your PANTS?
Him: Don’t act so repulsed! What would YOU do in that situation?
Me: HOLD IT LIKE AN ADULT!

I blocked him immediately and got off J-Date. Come to find out, he lives with his ex-girlfriend who takes cares of him because he got pneumonia a thousand years ago and was bed ridden. While being confined to the bed he had to use diapers because he was too weak to get up and evacuate his bowels by his lonesome. He now has a fetish; he said the doctors were trying desperately to “wean” him off of…at 25.

It’s been about four years since this entire scenario has entered my head, although it’s one of my favorite stories.

A few months ago, I caught up with a friend from High School who went away for College and had recently returned. Somehow, in the mix I overhear her telling my friend the story of this guy she met online that was so bizarre. “He used to like to wear diapers,” she said. “And be cleaned up and stuff like a baby. Loved it.”

“ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT A GUY NAMED GEORGE?” I ask. To which she replied, “Yep, I sure am!”

How crazy…further proof how small the World can be, and why sometimes it’s better to just meet someone naturally and not try to “squeeze a relationship out,” or “Bowel down” to Internet dating.  It’s just not something I want to “doo.”

I’m out of poop puns, I promise!