Tag Archives: Set Up

Rosh Hashana Stories, Featuring “The Courtesy Stitch”

17 May

My family circus! Come one, come all…but you’ve been warned!

 

Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year, and a magical time when family and extended family come together to enjoy all things Holy, praising the Lord for a New Year and hoping he’ll be generous with us when we repent next week during Yom Kippur.

Most of the things I just wrote are true, unless you are sitting at my family’s table for the Holidays. Anyone who knows us, knows we’re about as liberal and unorthodox as it gets. Despite our quirks, my family is a ton of fun and a guaranteed “crazy story” whenever we get together. We celebrate three nights of Rosh Hashana, but this year I only participated in two.

 

Night 1: Lord of the Sanitation

I run out of work to head to the airport to pick up my cousin from NY, only to find her plane is running an hour and a half late. Great. We’ll be the last one at…sedar? No, that’s passover. Shabbat dinner? No, that’s Friday. Crap…”What the hell is this dinner ceremony called,” I scream to my Mom over the phone.

“Honey, I don’t know. How about just…dinner?”

Finally my cousin arrives, and we head to her house where there’s a 25 person dinner currently in progress.

My brother has saved us some seats at the end of the table, where there is some young guy I’ve never seen sitting near some family friends. A lot of people haven’t seen me in a while, and I’ve lost a bunch of weight in the past few months so it’s a lot of..”what have you been doing?” and “where’s the rest of you?” and me smiling and saying, “no-no-no…I’m still here!” Which is code for, “oh, stop it! but really…go on!”

The young guy is watching my cousin and I, and I’m trying to pretend like he’s not some weird stranger who has shown up for the Holiday dinner unexpected. Clearly, he belongs here and to someone here…so where are they? Someone claim this guy so we can get the weird introductions out-of-the-way.

But no one does.

He looks exactly like a guy I went out with a little under a year ago. Laughs the same, looks the same, talks the same. It’s creeping me out! BUT, I refuse to make eye contact and continue with my conversation with my brother and cousin.

Here’s what you should understand about my cousin. She’s a year younger than me, and incredibly tiny. She went to a borderline ivy league school, and has an incredibly snobbish attitude about anything BUT schools in that similar realm.

I love her, don’t get me wrong, BUT people see her and wonder… “why is she still single!” People read my posts, know my standards and go… “oh, well…we get it with her!”

Regardless, I’m walking around the table doing my obligatory “Hello! So good to see you!” routine to the 25 people sitting around my Aunt and Uncle’s dining room, and stop to say hello to one of our extended family members, Rita. She turns to me and says, “Did you get a load of David?”

Me: “What?”

Rita: “Yeah yeah yeah…David. John’s kid. He’s very intelligent! Harvard graduate, builds some kind of something for the African children. Go talk to him! You two would be a great couple!”

Me: “Thanks Rita, but no thank you. I’m quite content being–”

Rita: “GO. Just talk to him, what’s the harm?”

::sigh::

I return to the table, and it appears that David has made a move from the other side of the table closer to my cousin, brother and I. I’m sure he’s just trying to be friendly, but now that Rita put this ridiculous notion in my head, I’m sitting there trying to do my best to act natural yet flirty, calm yet fun…a sitting contradiction.

While we’re talking, and he’s laughing at my jokes…or just my commentary, I introduce myself. I ask him what he does and he looks surprised, like… “No one has told you? Why, I’m the LORD of Sanitation!”

It turns out, this guy is amazing, modest and brilliant. He’s figured out how to help an entire Country function by utilizing their poop and turning it in to energy.

Me: “Oh, wow. Well, at least you’re doing something purposeful! That’s amazing! You’re helping so many, just by utilizing something they have an abundance of (poop). Don’t ask us what we do…my cousin and I don’t save orphans from burning buildings or anything like that.”

He laughs.

At that point, he asks my cousin what she does and she answers. I walk away.

Later on, his 92-year-old grandmother whom I absolutely love comes over and sits in between us.  He’s watching me interact with her, laughing and smiling as we chat.

Me: ” SO tell me! What do you do these days?”

Pearl: “Oh me? Well, I go to the Senior center everyday which is nice.”

Me: “What do you do there? Break guy’s hearts? Play canasta?”

Pearl: “Oh don’t be silly. I just like to go, we all chat, and then I get driven home!”

Me: “Sounds like a great deal!”

Time goes by, and after explaining to him what I do for a living (as glamorous as it is, try not to be too impressed I tell him!) and him pretending to be very impressed…we hug, say nice to meet you and he leaves.

Once again Rita circles back… “So?? A match??”

::sigh::

Don’t go to dinner single, is the moral of this story.  Because trying to date someone in my own area isn’t hard enough, I should date a guy who lives primarily in  Kenya, and is full of shit? LITERALLY!?

 

Rosh Hashana, Part 2

This is where things get scary, folks. So again, my cousin is this brilliant individual right? The magical thing about my cousin is she’s incredibly book smart, but not so amazingly savvy everywhere else.

For instance, just a year ago she says to me, “Oh my GOD…did you know that when they neuter dogs they cut their balls off?”

Brilliance at work.

Both of my cousins actually have a strong affinity for being wildly inappropriate at the most inconvenient times. The second night was hosted by our family friend who lives upstairs from my mom. She put together a beautiful spread, and we went upstairs to see what the night would have in store.

Everyone knows I’m taking real stories and posting them, and it’s making everyone incredibly nervous. Each time laughter comes from some silly comment or action, they turn to me and say, “we better not see this up there tomorrow!”

As always, I say…no promises.

Things are rolling smoothly. Everyone is drinking, eating, and trying to be particularly careful about what they say…until…

My cousin: ” So guess what I learned the other day?”

All of us stare blankly, mouths full of noodle kugel and Challah.

My cousin: “I learned, that a lot of doctors after a woman gives birth, help the men out by doing what’s called a courtesy stitch.”

Me: “What? What is a courtesy stitch!?”

My cousin: “Well, after you give birth, you tear from your V to your A. OR, they cut you. SO…when they stitch you up, they throw an extra stitch in there for the men…”

Out of NOWHERE, my Uncle chimes in:

Uncle: “YEAH, you know. For the Vagina. To tighten the Vagina up after blowing it out.”

Then he makes a disturbing vacuum sealed tight sound, and we all throw up in our mouths just a little bit.

 

I often feel like my family is like a circus. There’s a ringleader, then an instigator with a lion-like demeanor who comes out roaring with madness, then we all have to jump through hoops of fire at the end of it to bring things back to whatever normalcy we started with.

 

Either way, I love these people. They’re insane, tactless, silly and oftentimes crude…but damned if they’re not also amazing, loving and oh, that’s right…my family Happy New Year to all!

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Tales Of Set Up Failure: Lingerie Loungin’

16 May

Who Wants to Get a Little Sexy?

 

 

About a year or so ago, my (ex) boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move from my…well…his apartment.  From there, the changes kept on coming! I had to momentarily leave my dog behind, since he’s not allowed in my roommate’s house, and oh yeah! By roommate….I mean my mother.

It should be relatively easy to understand why it would have taken me a little bit of time to get over the breakup. At the very least, more than a week. My friends are wonderful but do not listen, and insisted that I trudge forward.

One night about a week after everything came to a halt,  (let’s call her) Gina decides that I should meet her friend and I immediately refuse. Not only am I far from ready, but I haven’t even SPOKEN to this “friend.” She tells me it’s too bad, he has seen my picture, has my number and is going to use it.

Great. I figure, fine…what’s the worst that can happen? Wrong question to ask, every time!

::ring ring::

A number I don’t know…what’s his name? Adam? Matt? Whatever, something generic.

“Hey you,” I hear on the other end of the line.

Can we take a moment and address this? You don’t know me, you’ve never met me nor spoken with me before…so…who exactly are you addressing ME as “you?” While it’s meant to be endearing I guess, it’s absurd and rubs me the wrong way. It’s not like we’ve met, or been friends for ten years, etc. Just keep it short guys…  “hey” or a nice throaty “hello” will do juuuuuust fine.

I’m already not amused, not wanting to have this conversation and am waiting to be wowed, or repulsed. Judging from the post I’m writing, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed…

Me: “erhm…hi?”

Mr. Whomever: “I’m (can’t remember), Gina’s friend. And you’re Allyson?”

You just dialed my number, didn’t you!?

Me: “Yep,“ I replied, short and to the point.

Mr. Whomever: “Gina said you’re into Adult Swim…that’s really hot. I bet you’re really kinky, huh?”

Two things wrong with this statement.

Epic Fail #1: Adult Swim is Cartoon Networks late night channel, featuring nothing sexual unless you’re into that anime cartoon weirdo bullshit.

Epic Fail #2: WHAT would possess you to ask someone you just started talking to 30 seconds ago if they’re kinky or not?

Me: “I love Adult Swim, but I don’t think you understand that it’s Car-“(the last piece of toons escapes under my breath as he cuts me off…)

Mr. Whomever: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”

::sigh::

Me: “Well…I don’t know, I guess drive from Tallahassee down here at 3am alone. I just woke up one morning and decided I wanted to come home, so I did.”

Mr. Whomever: “That’s it?” he replied.

Me: “Yep, that’s about it.”

He is waiting for me to pony up information, to confide in him, show him I’m interested…I’m not interested.

Mr. Whomever: “My girlfriend and I one time got a couples massage, and we were so turned on when we left we had to pull over and have sex in the bushes off the highway. I guess that’s my most spontaneous act…”

I didn’t even ask.

Mr. Whomever: “OOH! OOH! Actually, we stopped one time at a swingers club. We didn’t participate…but we did watch. Are you into that at all?”

Me: “Not at all, sorry. What are your top three movies? If you had to choose?”

I was searching for an inkling of normalcy.

Mr. Whomever: “My Cousin Vinny, 300 and Goodfellas. Do you like hairy men?”

Me: “Interesting choices…I’m not into gorillas, if that’s what you’re asking.”

At this point, I was ready to have some fun. I had tried to get off the phone twice and short of hanging up on the dude, I figured…great…free…material. It’s now been silent for about a minute before I start to say…

Me: “Ok, well I have to be going now…I’ve got to be at work at 6:30, so early wakeup call!” I figured, an exit line no one can refuse! Hint, hint, hint, HINT!

Mr. Whomever: “So you’re all dressed for bed?”

Me: “Yep.”

In actuality I was still in my work clothes from the day, but thought…let’s do this.

Mr. Whomever: “What are you wearing? I bet you like to sleep in those little nighties”

Me: “Oh for sure! The smaller the better.”

Mr. Whomever: “Anything underneath?”

Me: “Of course not,” I reply, snickering to myself in my brother’s bedroom, anxious to see how far I can push this kid.

A short-breathed sound sort of emerges from his side of the phone like a gasp.

Mr. Whomever: “That’s…so hot. Anything you want to ask me? Anything..? Anything at all, don’t worry.”

I know where he’s going.

 Me: “No, not really. Maybe another time..”

Mr. Whomever: “Are you SURE? Nothing? I’m totally open and willing to answer ANYTHING.” Dripping with suggestive tones, what a shock.

Me: “Well, as shy as you’re being, I’m assuming you want me to ask you what you’re working with. Right? That’s what you want?”

Mr. Whomever: “Go ahead, ask me.”

::sigh::

Me: “Alright…what are you working with…that you’re so proud of”

Mr. Whomever: “HARD?” he blurts out. “About 5…5.5”

Silence.

Mr. Whomever: “Is that bad? Good? Why didn’t you respond?”

Clearly I can’t say, because I’m rolling on the floor in laughter at how absurd you are and that you’re being a thousand percent serious right now?!

So I reply…

::giggle giggle giggle::

When I can collect myself, I politely tell him I really have to be going, and after all of this…he has the audacity to say…

Mr. Whomever: ”So I guess you don’t want to come cuddle?”

Y-I-K-E-S.

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

First, you don’t know me! What if I’m a crazy, soul stealing woman? Secondly, what if I’m diseased? Desperate? Clingy? You don’t know me dude…take some time. Third and finally, if you can listen to all that and take yourself seriously, all the while believing that I’m interested….big yikes buddy…big yikes. Sad state of affairs to see who’s out there, and if you didn’t miss someone a lot prior to that, you do afterwards, tell you that. Thank you to all my friends for wanting me to “get out there,” but uh…do me a solid? NO MORE fix ups!