Tag Archives: sweat

How to Not Sweat The Small Stuff

5 Feb



Honestly? Do you guys read this thing AT ALL? In all seriousness, I wish I knew how to NOT sweat the small stuff, how to let things go (or how to “let go and let the spaghetti monster in the sky” deal with it) and how to move forward.

All three of those things are tall orders!

Even though the small stuff can feel “small,” sometimes the small stuff pushes its way up a hill. Then, some other “small” event happens that catapults that BIG ball of SMALL things down “Shitstorm Hill” and suddenly, you’re up to your heart in crap.

I truly believe that all anyone wants is to feel “okay.”  To not worry so much about what others are doing, what your exes are doing, or  how other people’s actions (although they shouldn’t) influence how we feel about ourselves and others alike.

I’m no expert, I’m just a girl who has gone through enough craptastic situations to learn a little somethin’ somethin.’  Have I learned that much? Meh. But here’s what advice I can offer for the BIG  three questions above.

How to Not Sweat The Small Stuff (For real this time)

1. No Worries, Mon – Stop occupying your brain with things you can’t control. If you don’t make space for the worry, the worry has nowhere to live. Take your brain power back by kicking those worries to the curb and evicting them from your “brain mansion”  (they’ll have to sleep on the streets with other people’s evicted worries).

Did we learn nothing from Van Wilder? “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.”

2. Live happily…people hate that – Nothing pisses people off more than seeing you NOT sweat things. They want you to be so consumed with anger, hurt, despair (whatever the emotion may be) that you’re too busy trying to “maintain” life instead of showing life who’s boss. (For the record, it’s you.)

3. Seriously, stop being so damned serious – Life isn’t always going to be easy, fun, painless, or super-duper fabtastic. Take a minute to think about what you’re “sweating” right now. Job sucks? It’s just a job. Get a new one. Find what you want to do and live passionately.  Significant other probs? Guess what…life is too short to make bad casting decisions. Surround yourself with people who rock. Awesome begets awesome, suck begets suck. Family troubles? Forgive them. Family is family. One day you might need them to forgive you. Things just not going your way? Buck up. Karma might be a mean, mean, bitch but she’s pretty good about bringing good to those who work hard and are kind.

Be fair. Be open. Love hard. Live well. Stress less. Have more fun. Take time to appreciate the small things instead of sweating them.

How to Let Things Go (According to my therapist)

Just kidding about the therapist. She’d actually be pretty pissed to hear me say any of this. If she were real. She’s a doll I dress up and keep in the corner of my room to talk to on occasion. Creepy? Surely. Effective? You bet. Free? F’in right, doggy!

I wish I knew the secret to making this happen. Probably one of the worst qualities I possess is being unable to let things go. I hold onto things. Sure, I might “forgive you,” but I damn sure don’t forget it. Seriously, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to forget things, because I think that’s the secret to forgiving. Also, being stupid. That helps. KIDDING!*

*I’m not kidding.

Here’s what I’ve learned…joking aside.

1. Lose 10 lbs Instantly, Without Working Out – Really. It’s like taking one big life-size laxative.  The “Lap Band” of emotions, if you will. Should I keep going? I won’t. I promise.  Point is, letting things go only benefits you. Holding ON TO things benefits no one.  Do you think the person who you feel has angered, hurt you, begrudged you, is sitting there eating their insides out over what you perceive they’ve done to you?  They’re not.  Even if you’ve decided to “cut them from your life” they’re still very much there, monopolizing thoughts that could be better spent on something worthwhile. Like what is the mystery in mystery meat, and why has NOBODY figured it out already?!

2. Take Sorry at Face Value – When people apologize, believe them. Try your hardest to do that, at least. I’m not saying to believe they’re sorry for them. Believe them for you, so you can put the past to rest. Be thankful that they’re at least a good enough human to see value in apologizing.  Whether they believe it or not, whether you believe it or not, they said it. Thank them. Then breathe, stretch, shake and let it go.

3.  Appreciate the Past, Look Towards the Future, Live in the Present – Everyday something new will happen. Whether it’s good, bad, indifferent, etc…what are you going to do? If you don’t learn how to let things go, you’ll wind up pushing those “small things” up that hill until there’s an event that  sends the BIG list of SMALL things down “Shitstorm Hill,” remember? I’m a big proponent of “everything happens for a reason.” Just because you can’t see why it’s happening now, doesn’t mean it won’t eventually show itself for what it is or what it was (when the time is right).

How to Move Forward

SWEET MOSES, I wish I knew the answer to this. I really do. I wish I had some magical anecdote and I could help the world. Well, first I’d make millions of dollars, THEN I’d help the world. KIDDING!*

*Again, I’m not kidding.

I totally get why the chick from Titanic wanted to use that ray to erase her memory in the movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  I do! Who wouldn’t like to instantaneously forget whatever thought, emotion, feeling is acting like a squatter in your mind? NO one told those thoughts they could stay there. BUT you were vulnerable…you left a door cracked slightly open and now…those bad or sad thoughts dwell there. Time to call the thought po-po on those mofo’s and EVICT them!

“My plan is to erase you completely, as if you never existed at all.”– Chick from Titanic in ‘ESOTSM’

1. Act More Like Chuck Norris – It’s your life and no one else’s. Take control of your thoughts that are telling you that you have NO control and teach them a thing or two about what happens when they step into your brain’s dojo. Seize your brain. Seize your thoughts. Break any thoughts into dusk that try to stop you from living happily, because they suck…and ain’t nobody got time for that.

2. Surround Yourself With People Who Don’t Suck – Not to be repetitive, but (again) awesome begets awesome and suck begets suck. There are some people who will walk, talk, and act like a friend…but are not your friend. Your goal is to figure out the good eggs from the rotten ones and only keep those who ROCK in your life. Take a look at the pack you run with. Are they mainly miserable? Or, do they radiate sunshine and happiness? You don’t have to go extreme, but finding a good middle balance is probs best.

3. Be Un-apologetically, Uniquely, YOU –   Nobody knows you better than you, so start listening to yourself. Follow your gut. Follow your heart. Follow the yellow brick road to see the wizard…

Wait a minute…wrong schpeal. Let’s try this again…

Respect yourself. Celebrate yourself. Empower yourself.

Now that’s more like it!

There are no right or wrong answers on how to get over things, how to leave things that deserve to be left behind, or how to keep the past where it belongs…in the past. All you can do is get out of bed every day and make the best of what you have. Do something small every day and soon you’ll find that all the small things you’ve been building on have led you to a mountain of happiness and strength and more importantly, led you to YOU.

The Tale of Smelly McNasterson

16 May


Don’t Leave Your Etiquette At Home!

So I’ve returned to this trainer of mine as I try to lose the leftover weight from college. Which they never properly warn you about at orientation. They give you this entire alcohol prevention and safety spiel, but the powers that be never slam an overweight dude in front of you and say, “Look at this man. He attended this school 5 years ago and guess what? 175 when he started, about 350 now (treeee-fitty). Why? He’d like to thank Jagermeister, Blue Moon and delicious mixed bar drinks that he was able to get for 3 dollars by the bucket.”

For all intents and purposes, I’m that “dude.” Except I didn’t start at 175 and end at 350… just to be clear for those who don’t ever see me in person. Either way, it’s time to get fit now that I have a bit more time to focus on “me.” SO I returned to my trainer, who is busy kicking my ass three times a week for the past month.  His gym is tiny, with a vitamin shop in front, a hallway leading to several cardio torture devices and then the open area full of machines and free weights.  For the past few weeks I’ve been coming in, there’s been a lady running on the treadmill who appears as if she’s been running for HOURS, drenched completely head to toe. Normally, I’d applaud this determination and express a twinge of jealousy for anyone with the patience and stamina. However, this situation is different. When I know I’m going to be working out for a prolonged amount of time, I ensure that the following things are in place: deodorant, socks, deodorant, comfy sneaks, deodorant, large refillable water bottle and the most important…DEODORANT. There’s no secret…you sweat at the gym, and if you’re like this woman, you sweat oodles and oodles. I have an overly sensitive nose…so it’s amplified for me perhaps more so than others. But I never, ever, want to be the “smelly kid” in the gym.

It wasn’t acceptable in elementary/middle and high school and it’s damn sure not acceptable now. My trainer’s store is set up as an organic haven and most of the patrons are purists or vegan or something along those lines. The first time I was on the treadmill next to this woman I assumed her smell stemmed from the fact she must not believe in all the chemicals in deodorant (even though they make a natural one…not sure if she got the memo). It’s one of those situations where you don’t want to stare as beads of sweat turn into buckets, dropping onto the treadmill with a putrid splat.  Note that I said don’t WANT to…more like…HAVE to.

My mind starts moving a million miles a minute…is she a dirty individual? No, she may just sweat a lot. Does her whole family sweat like this? Has she tried hyper-hydrosis treatment? Has she been on the treadmill for hours and hours?


Does she think it’s me?

This isn’t even the most important part.

As I’m worried about being smelly, I take a great concern in making sure I make good food choices prior to getting in there. For example, it seems like a poor choice to consume an entire BAG of green giant frozen BROCCOLI for lunch. We’re adults here…and as the book says, everyone poops and the same is true for flatulence. As I’m doing squats, I’m watching the lady on the treadmill in the mirror. Sweat is literally running off of her…and she just seems so unfazed. It’s truly amazing.  Squat number 75 and I start smelling something new. Less like body odor, more like rotting dirty diaper. It’s not close enough to me to think the trainer did it and clearly I know that I didn’t do it…there’s no choice. It’s my smelly little friend on the treadmill. At that exact moment, I watch her do a deep lunge on the treadmill and suddenly, a new waft of gross. I have what I like to call a “stank face” expression that says, “I saw you, and are you serious?” I’ve lost all concentration and wind up falling.

The thud from MY fall must have startled Smell-a-lotolous because the next thing I know, I hear her fall with a loud…THUD….AND THEN… she ends our gym experience with a… “pfffffffff…”

The loudest, sickest thing I’ve ever heard!

I guess she found herself a bit “winded.”