My “Oh-No-No” List When it Comes to Dating – Inspired by Tom Haverford of Parks and Rec.

I’m a huge fan of the show, Parks and Recreation, created by one of my personal comedy heroes, Amy Poehler. The show itself is pure genius and the characters? Try to pick a favorite. You can’t. Tom Haverford, played by Aziz Ansari, is one of those amazing characters. He has something called an “oh-no-no” list for the women he dates. Essentially, if a woman commits an “oh-no-no,” it can end their relationship.

So, I figured I’d take the idea of an “oh-no-no” list and create one for the men I date, or am about to date, thinking about dating, or leaving a bar with late at night. *

1. Men with defcon Level 7 bad breath. I’m talking chronic bad breath. How do you not smell or taste it!?
2. Men who own one set of sheets. It’s weird. You’re an adult. Do better.
3. Men who don’t like 90’s music. What is wrong with you? Seriously.
4. Men who call their parents mommy and daddy…and you’re 30.
5. Men who save their mothers number with emoji’s next to the name.
6. Men who have no opinion on what the best The Fast and The Furious movie is.
7. Men who see nothing romantic about going to Disney.
8. Men who shave more parts than I do, EXCEPT for the parts they should. Which is Ludacris.
9. Speaking of Ludacris, Men who have no opinion on the best collabo he ever did. It’s with Missy Elliot for Gossip Folks. Duh.
10. Men who don’t like comedy. Stand up comedy. Improv comedy. None of it.
11. Men who think Chelsea Handler is a “comedy goddess.”
12. Men who think Christopher Titus is funny. Woof.
13. Men who try to explain fantasy football to me. I don’t get it. It’s like football + sci-fi.
14. Men who hate Florida State, but your team perpetually loses. And is less awesome. (And are probably fans of the Miami Hurricanes. Just sayin’.)
15. You still think terms like “power hour” and “shooters” are terms someone over 25 should use.
16. Men who wear crocs. Unless you’re a pro-gardener. And even then – yuck.
17. Muppet Discrimination. Including slander of Muppets or Jim Henson and/or lack of knowledge.
18. White guys with dreads/cornrows. Who are you? SNOW?
19. Men with ugly laughs. I can’t.
20. Men who think Tupac ISN’T alive and coming back. #whatwouldtupacdo
21. Men who wash plastic cups.
22. Men who wear shower caps.
23. Men who wear basketball sandals BUT don’t play basketball.
24. ANY man who voted for Clay Aiken.
25. Strike that – any man who watches American Idol, or supports Seacrest.
26. Men that wear TAP OUT gear and aren’t professional MMA fighter’s.
27. Men who CALL THEMSELVES MMA fighters and are a white belt.
28. THEY left THEIR backpacks over THERE, because THEY’RE silly. Get it?
29. Any man named Trevor. Because fuck Trevor, bro.
30. Men who wear Hawaiian shirts, even ironically.
31. Men who use the words swag, yolo, cutie, honey, sweetie, or any variation of “izzle.” (For example, forshizzle.)
32. Men who don’t watch Game of Thrones.
33. Men that are afraid of roaches, except the ones they hold in their hand each night.
34. Men that can’t put basic furniture together. Maybe you’re the basic bitch?
35. Men with feet that look like they belong in The Shire. They’re hairy. And gross.
36. Men who do drugs recreationally. Seriously, commit…or don’t. No one wants a “recreational” relationship.
37. Men who can’t see over their stomachs. But comment on women’s bodies.
38. Men who have 70’s inspired hair…above AND below deck. I’ll let you think about that one.
39. Men who go to yoga. Namaste away from me, dudeski.
40. Men who fear funny women, because they are insecure…and stupid poop-heads.

*Let’s be serious, those men may have an easier time getting me to be lenient on the “oh-no-no” list.

Tags: amy poehler, aziz ansari, Chat, dating, Disney, Disney World, men, parks and recreation, relationships, Women