Tag Archives: Holiday

The Single Girls Guide To Surviving The Holidays

10 Dec
10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

  1. Wine
  2. Wine
  3. Wine
  4. Wine
  5. Wine
  6. WINE
  7. WINE
  8. W-I-N-E
  9. WINE
  10. DID I STUTTER? WINE!

There are other ways to cope with single-dom when the most magical time of year comes around…I’m sure.  I have absolutely nothing against the holidays. As a matter of a fact, Santa and I have a TON in common.  We love animals, presents, bringing joy to people and having a firm grip on a big ol’ sack…. of toys, ya big perverts. (Hanukkah Harry is more my speed. Anyone that can make it hot and last for eight nights, I want to meet!)

In any case, this is the best and worst time of year. For most of you, your ultra-creative boyfriend will shove a ring in a box, a tree decoration, a gingerbread cookie…a latke? A dreidel? You’ll take pictures beneath a huge tree, in the snow, just like you always dreamed and post it all over Facebook (because nothing is official until it’s ON Facebook…duh). The rest of you are amped to bring your new boyfriend to the office holiday party and show him off. Sure, he can’t spell harbinger, or tell you what it means…but damned if he’s not the most beautiful bastard at that party!

Then, there are the rest of us. There’s that moment of panic when you get an invite to a holiday party or to a couple-centric NYE party. “Ok, who can I invite? Who wouldn’t be awful to have there?” You go down the list of things you’re willing to accept:

-Who haven’t I slept with in a long time that I wouldn’t mind inside me this holiday season?

-Who’s the life of the party and makes me laugh, even though I don’t want to get caught under the mistletoe unless I’m three eggnog’s deep?

-Who is answering my text messages, Facebook messages, or phone calls? SMOKE SIGNALS? DEAR SANTA, SOMEONE ANSWER ME FOR THE LOVE OF CHRISTMAS!

-Who else doesn’t want to be alone at their obligatory parties that you can make a tribute to? “I put my holiday party up as tribute!”

I don’t know about you guys, but while I was going through this list I had an “Ah-ha” moment. Why the hell do I care about bringing someone to these things? Being single at these things isn’t all that bad, right? I like to RSVP for two, and then drink my portion and theirs. Who doesn’t love a drunken little elf on the holidays? Isn’t that how most elves make their money?

I started to realize that going alone is better than going with someone who you have to entertain, babysit, or do anything but have an awesome time with. With that being said, here are my ten tips for surviving parties when you plan to go-it-alone.

1. Go buy a new dress. Fuck it, get the shoes too!

Buy an outfit that makes you feel like Adriana-freakin’-Lima. Something that says, I’m here alone, and you’re welcome.  People say confidence comes from within, right? It does. Totally. But it doesn’t hurt to have an exterior you feel pretty amped about too. Make yourself look like the badass-boss you are.

2.  But for real, drink the wine.

Ain’t no shame in your drinkin’ game this holiday season. Everyone likes a jolly little helper, and that wine will get you there. It’ll help you stay loose, keep that smile on your face and rock some positive vibes (not that you need to drink to keep that positive outlook…HA! Almost got you there, right?).

3.  Being picky about what parties you go to is 100% ok.

Some of your friends…ok, 90% of your friends are coupled up. But of those 90%, 70% do NOT suck. They want you to come to their parties, solo or otherwise, because they want to hang. Don’t deprive those 70% who rock and who you love back.

But those other 20% who only want you to come to be a prop, to bring them a present, or to rub in your face their new home and family? Santa will leave them coal. If Santa doesn’t, remember you’re at a BUSY party, and pooping in the stockings they hung on their mantle is totally an option.

4.  Embrace. Accept. Drink.

Look, ‘tis the season for some serious romance. So, embrace that. Look at what you have. You’re awesome, right? You’ve got your shit together, right? You’ve got that subscription to Cats Daily, so that’s definitely something you’ve got going for you. KIDDING. Most people treat being single as a problem…it’s definitely not. If anything, it lets you keep your options open. Way open. Super open. Open like that gaping wound the last guy left on your heart, AMIRITE?

I don’t think the drinking section needs any further explanation. When in doubt, drink the nog, have some whiskey, sip on a vodka tonic or spiked apple cider…and have fun. YOLO, as the kids say.

5.  Remember what you do have.

An amazing disposition and shining personality. People fucking adore you. You are a rock star and you are not defined by what other people do. So stop acting like it.  The $%^&* end.

6. Always go to the after parties.

That’s where all the fun is, and where all the rest of the single folk come to hang out. Because we don’t have to run home to anyone, answer to anyone, or do anything we don’t want to do… (Or anyone, for that matter).  Hear that? That is the sound of all your taken friends sobbing.

7.  Don’t live your life via Facebook feed.

C’mon, kids. Common sense here. Lots of annoyingly love oriented romantic things are going to happen. Just be smart about what you absorb and what you sift through. Your ex may get engaged. Your bully from high school may have their third kid. Maybe your childhood friend bought a house and went on a two weeks vacation with the love of their life. Either way, you can’t live life through a newsfeed. I mean, you can…but…stock up on the original list if that’s the case (that would be the wine, in case you’ve forgotten).

8. Think of it from the flip side

A lot of people are single for the holidays. It’s not that bad. A lot worse could be wrong and is wrong in this world. Don’t harp on the one or two nights a year that people go:

-“You didn’t bring anyone to the party, sweetie?”

-“Aw, no one with you this year?”

-“Don’t worry, next year is your year!”

-“You’re better off, anyway!”

OMGPLEASESTOPSAYINGTHESETHINGSTOUSWEHATETHEM ANDITMAKESUSHATEYOUSOMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH.

Things. Could. Be. Worse. ::eye-twitching::

9.  New Years Eve…Let’s hug it out.

Really, this is one of the best and worst times to be single. The only reason you’re supposed to have a date for NYE is because you’ve been made to think you do.  Going stag is way more fun. Who doesn’t love throwing back some champagne like a champion, mingling, making new friends and having a great time with the ones you already have? The ONLY hang-up is midnight. Oh, midnight, you heartless bastard.

Scene: Everyone is huddled near the TV (or fake disco ball meant to resemble the one in NYC). Suddenly, everyone is getting closer to one another. People are screaming across the room, “WHERE IS TODD? TODD? IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT…. TODD! GET OVER HERE! YOU HAVE ONE JOB, TODD!” Here’s where things get a little hairy. As single people we have a few options:

-Act natural. Couples can SMELL FEAR.

-Hang out in the midst of the action because you’re above all that (and no one can see your tears amidst the glitter, cheers, and kissing).

-Head to the bathroom from 11:57-12:03 then pretend like you were there the whole time.

OR… you do the most badass move of all time:

Grab a stranger. Lock them lips, girl…and have a blast.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE’RE SINGLE, AND WE CAN.

10.  Don’t forget the things that matter. Spoiler alert, it’s not this.

At the end of the day, it’s a party or two. Remember that nothing is worth being upset about, particularly parties where the operative goal is to have a blast. Single, taken, or otherwise don’t forget what’s at the core of any holiday message. Celebrate the love you have, what will come and what you’ve come through. After all, it’s a New Year and who knows what’s headed your way!

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Rosh Hashana Stories, Featuring “The Courtesy Stitch”

17 May

My family circus! Come one, come all…but you’ve been warned!

 

Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year, and a magical time when family and extended family come together to enjoy all things Holy, praising the Lord for a New Year and hoping he’ll be generous with us when we repent next week during Yom Kippur.

Most of the things I just wrote are true, unless you are sitting at my family’s table for the Holidays. Anyone who knows us, knows we’re about as liberal and unorthodox as it gets. Despite our quirks, my family is a ton of fun and a guaranteed “crazy story” whenever we get together. We celebrate three nights of Rosh Hashana, but this year I only participated in two.

 

Night 1: Lord of the Sanitation

I run out of work to head to the airport to pick up my cousin from NY, only to find her plane is running an hour and a half late. Great. We’ll be the last one at…sedar? No, that’s passover. Shabbat dinner? No, that’s Friday. Crap…”What the hell is this dinner ceremony called,” I scream to my Mom over the phone.

“Honey, I don’t know. How about just…dinner?”

Finally my cousin arrives, and we head to her house where there’s a 25 person dinner currently in progress.

My brother has saved us some seats at the end of the table, where there is some young guy I’ve never seen sitting near some family friends. A lot of people haven’t seen me in a while, and I’ve lost a bunch of weight in the past few months so it’s a lot of..”what have you been doing?” and “where’s the rest of you?” and me smiling and saying, “no-no-no…I’m still here!” Which is code for, “oh, stop it! but really…go on!”

The young guy is watching my cousin and I, and I’m trying to pretend like he’s not some weird stranger who has shown up for the Holiday dinner unexpected. Clearly, he belongs here and to someone here…so where are they? Someone claim this guy so we can get the weird introductions out-of-the-way.

But no one does.

He looks exactly like a guy I went out with a little under a year ago. Laughs the same, looks the same, talks the same. It’s creeping me out! BUT, I refuse to make eye contact and continue with my conversation with my brother and cousin.

Here’s what you should understand about my cousin. She’s a year younger than me, and incredibly tiny. She went to a borderline ivy league school, and has an incredibly snobbish attitude about anything BUT schools in that similar realm.

I love her, don’t get me wrong, BUT people see her and wonder… “why is she still single!” People read my posts, know my standards and go… “oh, well…we get it with her!”

Regardless, I’m walking around the table doing my obligatory “Hello! So good to see you!” routine to the 25 people sitting around my Aunt and Uncle’s dining room, and stop to say hello to one of our extended family members, Rita. She turns to me and says, “Did you get a load of David?”

Me: “What?”

Rita: “Yeah yeah yeah…David. John’s kid. He’s very intelligent! Harvard graduate, builds some kind of something for the African children. Go talk to him! You two would be a great couple!”

Me: “Thanks Rita, but no thank you. I’m quite content being–”

Rita: “GO. Just talk to him, what’s the harm?”

::sigh::

I return to the table, and it appears that David has made a move from the other side of the table closer to my cousin, brother and I. I’m sure he’s just trying to be friendly, but now that Rita put this ridiculous notion in my head, I’m sitting there trying to do my best to act natural yet flirty, calm yet fun…a sitting contradiction.

While we’re talking, and he’s laughing at my jokes…or just my commentary, I introduce myself. I ask him what he does and he looks surprised, like… “No one has told you? Why, I’m the LORD of Sanitation!”

It turns out, this guy is amazing, modest and brilliant. He’s figured out how to help an entire Country function by utilizing their poop and turning it in to energy.

Me: “Oh, wow. Well, at least you’re doing something purposeful! That’s amazing! You’re helping so many, just by utilizing something they have an abundance of (poop). Don’t ask us what we do…my cousin and I don’t save orphans from burning buildings or anything like that.”

He laughs.

At that point, he asks my cousin what she does and she answers. I walk away.

Later on, his 92-year-old grandmother whom I absolutely love comes over and sits in between us.  He’s watching me interact with her, laughing and smiling as we chat.

Me: ” SO tell me! What do you do these days?”

Pearl: “Oh me? Well, I go to the Senior center everyday which is nice.”

Me: “What do you do there? Break guy’s hearts? Play canasta?”

Pearl: “Oh don’t be silly. I just like to go, we all chat, and then I get driven home!”

Me: “Sounds like a great deal!”

Time goes by, and after explaining to him what I do for a living (as glamorous as it is, try not to be too impressed I tell him!) and him pretending to be very impressed…we hug, say nice to meet you and he leaves.

Once again Rita circles back… “So?? A match??”

::sigh::

Don’t go to dinner single, is the moral of this story.  Because trying to date someone in my own area isn’t hard enough, I should date a guy who lives primarily in  Kenya, and is full of shit? LITERALLY!?

 

Rosh Hashana, Part 2

This is where things get scary, folks. So again, my cousin is this brilliant individual right? The magical thing about my cousin is she’s incredibly book smart, but not so amazingly savvy everywhere else.

For instance, just a year ago she says to me, “Oh my GOD…did you know that when they neuter dogs they cut their balls off?”

Brilliance at work.

Both of my cousins actually have a strong affinity for being wildly inappropriate at the most inconvenient times. The second night was hosted by our family friend who lives upstairs from my mom. She put together a beautiful spread, and we went upstairs to see what the night would have in store.

Everyone knows I’m taking real stories and posting them, and it’s making everyone incredibly nervous. Each time laughter comes from some silly comment or action, they turn to me and say, “we better not see this up there tomorrow!”

As always, I say…no promises.

Things are rolling smoothly. Everyone is drinking, eating, and trying to be particularly careful about what they say…until…

My cousin: ” So guess what I learned the other day?”

All of us stare blankly, mouths full of noodle kugel and Challah.

My cousin: “I learned, that a lot of doctors after a woman gives birth, help the men out by doing what’s called a courtesy stitch.”

Me: “What? What is a courtesy stitch!?”

My cousin: “Well, after you give birth, you tear from your V to your A. OR, they cut you. SO…when they stitch you up, they throw an extra stitch in there for the men…”

Out of NOWHERE, my Uncle chimes in:

Uncle: “YEAH, you know. For the Vagina. To tighten the Vagina up after blowing it out.”

Then he makes a disturbing vacuum sealed tight sound, and we all throw up in our mouths just a little bit.

 

I often feel like my family is like a circus. There’s a ringleader, then an instigator with a lion-like demeanor who comes out roaring with madness, then we all have to jump through hoops of fire at the end of it to bring things back to whatever normalcy we started with.

 

Either way, I love these people. They’re insane, tactless, silly and oftentimes crude…but damned if they’re not also amazing, loving and oh, that’s right…my family Happy New Year to all!

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