Tag Archives: Friends

Everything I’ve Learned Is Wrong

6 Apr

One day I woke up thirty, hazy and terrified. Forget a quarter-life crisis. My real crisis came when I realized that everything I’ve learned thus far in life has been wrong. Sometimes the realizations are small – Playing piano IS cool and I wish I stuck with it. My hair IS different and makes me cool because it defines me. Learning another language IS cool, useful and would help my career. Dates aren’t (just) a gross, cockroach-looking fruit; they’re ACTUALLY delicious.

I’ve sweated everything from the smallest stuff to the largest stuff. I’ve buried my head in the sand when the small stuff became the extra-large stuff, and I nearly drowned in my own head while my heart stood on watching, laughing like a maniac. (The heart is an asshole. Really.)

In order to show you all the feels I’m feeling, I’d like to express myself via James Van Der Beek GIFs. It’s really the only way.

WHEN IT COMES TO JOBS

I work at an in-house Ad agency, where I get paid to write. Paid. To. Write. To some, that’s the dream. Creative services of any kind are tough, because everyone thinks they can do it. Everyone. Even the homeless population can put a sharpie to a piece of cardboard and garner some “brand presence” for themselves, right?

I fell in love with advertising when I was in 6th grade. It was a series of Snickers commercials that set me on that path.

Career-wise, I knew that I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be creative. I wanted to make people laugh and be in the limelight. Advertising was the marriage of all of those things.

People think the Ad world is like MadMen. It’s not. It’s the complete opposite these days, as the elegance of advertising and drinking whiskey in the office is pretty much long gone (well, as far as HR knows). Advertising is digital, competitive, and swarming with talent. So it’s important to set yourself apart.

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But in grad school, the end goal was always to leave and head to a BIG agency. Swim with the big dogs. That’s not right. Sit at the table with the dolphins. Change a lion into a bear?

Metaphors are hard.

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I’ve worked strictly in-house for the past four years, and here’s what I’ve learned when it comes to jobs (in general).

WHAT I THOUGHT:

Go bigger. Find better. You’re not happy. You’re not here to make friends. Work is work. You’re nothing if you’re not the big dog.

WHAT REALITY IS:

You’re enough. You’re where you’re supposed to be. You can still make a global impact on so many through your work, no matter where you are. Doing dope work is doing dope work. As long as you’re doing it, that’s all that matters. Also, having friends you get to work with everyday is everything. Positive work environments with amazing people is everything.

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WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY:

You know when you’re younger and your parent just wants to give you everything, and hang out with you on a Sunday? And you, cool you, is like, “Staaaaahp, Mom. I’m just tryin’ to do 13-year-old things, like hang out on AOL chat rooms and just live my life!”

You’re annoyed because your siblings want to go everywhere with you, or dress like you, or hang out with you and your friends, or just want to be around you. AND YOU, COOL YOU, is like, “Yo, guys. Chill. I don’t need you coming to the arcade with my cool friends and me and taking my cool meter down. Because I’m soooo much older and wiseeeer and like, totally the most cool.”

Can you feel me mocking our younger selves?

 

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WHAT I THOUGHT:

Your family will always be there and things will never change. They will never abandon you and will always protect you. They’re like rolling with a constant gang, but a friendly gang that’s super into watching WWE on a Friday night or going on family trips. I am too cool to hang with my mom or my siblings. But, who cares, because they’ll just be there always and it’s no biggie.

WHAT REALITY IS:

Family is more complicated than Joey, Dawson and Pacey’s relationship.

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My mom is a Superhero mixed with a Goddess. She’s the most supportive, loving, caring, annoying, judgmental, loving, judgmental, hard-working human being there is (pictured below, for dramatic effect).That has never changed. And I’m betting will never change. Mom-O-Tron (still working on her Superhero Goddess name) never changes, unless it’s just getting more awesome.

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But sadly, things DO change. Just like when Pacey eventually left Joey and Dawson alone so he could go do Pacey things, such is life. People shift, grow, and stop wanting to hear what you have to say.

They develop their own method of thinking, feeling, and beliefs that can butt-heads with how you deal with them and how you feel about them. They don’t listen. They act like they maybe don’t care. Which is stupid, because they probably care more than anyone.

Then, much like when Joey refused to put the ladder out there for Dawson, your heart hurts. Then, you push the ladder over for good until your heart bursts into tiny flames, then into dust.

THEN (yes, there’s another step after heart combustion) you realize that family is a pretty blanket term. Your friends become your family. Your support system. Who you celebrate with, whom you cry with, whom you vent to and whom you share life moments with.

You create your own family. You build forts with them, you watch TV with them, you have Sunday night dinner with them.

And that’s ok.

WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS

You’re going to have a fairytale. Everything is a damned fairytale. Friendships are made of gumdrops that never stop falling from the sky, everyone is fair and kind, and relationships with another human being are more delicious and refreshing than a slice of apple pie and lemonade on a hot day.

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Nothing is hard, because it relationships are easy because friendship and love and junk.

WHAT I THOUGHT:

Perfection is out there. The right people will never let you down. Making lists of demands of what I require in a human being, friendship or relationship-wise is totally normal. Compromise is bullshit. Hurt me once and I’ll leave you stranded in the middle of the lake, standing on a boat, contemplating “things.”

Friendship is about being there for both parties and never fighting. Love is about things. Having things. Striving to have more things. Both relationships brought together under the common believe that I should be allowed to be me, without any complaints from the peanut gallery.

WHAT REALITY IS:

Perfection is a lie. It’s not real. It’s less real than reality shows, the illusion you can control anything, and Santa. We’re all flawed. We’re all just a little bit jaded, broken, or at the very least, cracked in a few places. It’s not about perfection; it’s about finding who is perfect for YOU.

Love is not about things. Love is taking care of your significant other when they’re sick. Love is in the details. LOVE isn’t the dinners, the flowers, the movies, jewelry, and expensive vacations. It’s literally everything else. It’s sacrificing a Friday night to hangout with your family. It’s how they kiss the dog. It’s how they remember to bring home something you’re out of. They listen. They love you. And there’s literally no ”thing” that can compare to that.

Friendship is amazing. It’s a group of people, who just decide to be there for others with no strings attached. True, unbreakable, supportive, loving friendship is something so special. You choose them, they choose you. They come to every comedy show even though they’ve seen the material 800 times. They rehearse with you. They think of you first to have a wine-inspired dance party. They want the absolute best for you, because even when there are days when you don’t think you deserve it, they know you 100% do.

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WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE

SPONSORED BY OUR GOOD FRIENDS, FEAR AND WORRY!

1966872_10105563458521373_6012836605650924483_nI always pictured my life a little differently. There are days I wake up going, “What the hell happened here!?” There are ALSO days where I wake up going, “What I’ve done in thirty years isn’t that bad.” And, finally, those great, amazing, far-and-few-between days where I wake up going, “AM I LUCKY, OR WHAT?”

What I’ve learned from my spirit animals, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling are that fear and worry are thieves of time and productivity as well as happiness and success.

Life is meant to be lived. To be enjoyed. To be squeezed to the last drop, like the last season of Dawson’s Creek. (Let’s be serious, we didn’t need that final season, ya’ll.)

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WHAT I THOUGHT:

I’m not enough. None of this is enough. When will it be enough? When will I be content? Isn’t it bad to be content? When will these questions end and when will the fire in my brain be put out?

Am I happy now and I don’t even know it? Am I where I’m supposed to be? HOW WILL I KNOW?

WHAT THE REALITY IS:

I’m enough. You’re enough. We’re all where we’re supposed to be. We’re as happy as we’ll ever be, right now. So why the hell not enjoy it?

What Would Dawson Do?

giphy-4Keep your eyes, head and heart open. You never know what’s headed to you next.

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Relationships: You’re Doing it Wrong

4 Feb
WORD.

WORD.

Sadly, when I think of my friends right now, I want to shake most of them and throat punch the rest of them.  If you’re anything like me, your friends (men and women) are stuck on stupid (whether it’s figurative, or that dude with the leather jacket and bad life decisions we tried to warn them about).  While I can’t really say what’s happened over the years, I can say that getting older and dealing with your friends who are in relationships (or who desperately want someone in their life) has become tiring, frustrating and downright pathetic.

We’re young and settling, making excuses instead of empowering each other to make better decisions. Part of it is that it’s a rough world out there for the single folk. The older you get the more you start to feel like you’re at a carnival with only bearded women. Except some of those women are dudes. It’s a metaphor.

People are so afraid to be alone it’s scary. Everyone is jumping into relationships, pushing for engagements and marriage, but are they even sure of who they are and what they want? Sure, you may never know, but isn’t it more important to know yourself before you entertain knowing/loving someone else? I’m no rocket scientist, but…seems pretty simple and mind-blowing to me.

If it’s not bad enough, each friend has their own sort of “relationship slogan” as I like to call them:

–          “OMG that’s totally how it was for me. TOTALLY.”

–          “It just takes one.  I mean, I thought it was going to be this other guy, but he wasn’t the one.”

–          “I had to go through a LOT of jerks.”

–          “And here I thought you couldn’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Welp, I was WRONG.”

Now, for no reason whatsoever, here are the things I’m sick of:

Female friends:

1. Just because you were in a bad relationship and now you’re in a good one does NOT make you a relationship expert.

2. Stop making excuses. Just stop. “Well, I promised I’d do this thing because I mean, he did this thing that doesn’t matter for me, but now I just feel like I owe him, you know what I mean?” Or “I just feel like I have to. He’s like, a really good guy at heart I think. The two manslaughter charges against the family of armadillos are TOTALLY getting dropped in 2014.”

3. Stop crying over rotten men. Just like expired milk, toss it in the garbage and don’t look back. Would you drink expired milk? (No: then why would you stay in something that has expired three weeks ago?) (Yes: well, you’re just one sick puppy, aren’t ya?)

4. Stop pretending that your relationship is perfect. It’s not. Know why? (spoiler alert) NOTHING is perfect. If you’re trying to get me to believe that your honey does nothing but poop rainbows and sunshine, try again.  (I’ve lived with two men, I know better)

5. Stop MAKING UP PROBLEMS to talk about your men. “Oh my GOD, I was so pissed at Tom last night. You’ll never guess what he did!” No. Wrong. I probably will. And guess what? It’s not that bad. If he forgot to meet you out, didn’t want to come over, etc…shut it. Just shut it…and leave him alone. He’s a human being.

6. Don’t forget your friends. Even though you choose to neglect them for whatever your reasoning may be (probs because we’re too single and fabulous to be around. Or, more likely because we come in a team of 1 and you’re now a team of 2), they’re still there. AND, we’ll either be there at the wedding, or there to help move you out.

7. Don’t invite us out to couples night and pretend you’re a different kind of couple. “No, no! Come out! Yes, it’s couples game night and you’d be the only one there alone, BUT…I mean…we’re NOT that kind of couple.” Ah yes, that feels fun. Your intentions are good, but c’mon….c’mon…that leaves your single friends ready to hop in the bathtub and listen to Sade’ then play a little skin violin. At least do us a solid and bring that delightful single person you keep trying to hook us up with.

8. In other news, stop trying to hook us up with your boyfriend’s shitty friends. We don’t want them. He’s awful. They’re awful. Stop it.

9. Stop complaining about not going out anymore. “Oh man, I envy you…you get to cram your feet in 8’ heels, put on a short glitter skirt and parade around. What a lucky gal.” No one past 23 actually ENJOYS doing that.

10. STOP ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AT GIRLS NIGHT EVERY TIME YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CALLS, DESPITE KNOWING YOU’RE AT GIRLS NIGHT. Holy cow, nothing makes me crazier. Then you answer the phone, “Hey babe. No, I’m just sitting here with Ally. Well, did you poop today? You did? That’s a big boy. What color was it? Ok babe, I have to go but I love you. Congrats on your giant turd.”

Male Friends:

1. Dude, I get it. Boobs are totally awesome. I have a set. At some point, my level of cool is compromised and I just can’t hear about or help you judge a “juicy pair of jugs.” RESPECK.

2. Stop telling me about your “standards.” Psssh. What you should say is: this is what I’d like…if Jack Daniels wasn’t involved.

3. Another thing about your “standards” is be REALISTIC. If you’re a pseudo lagoon creature, stop trying to look for a girl who is a Victoria’s Secret model, with the brain of Einstein who wants to do nothing but blow you, bake brownies and have babies. Actually, if you meet a woman who wants the 3 B’s (as I just mentioned) you marry her…marry her, I say!

4.  Stop making excuses for crazy women. Some bitches be cray…recognize a red flag or 15 when they unfurl and move on.

5. No, I will not set you up with any more of my friends after the last incident. You know what I’m talking about; I don’t think I have to say it.

I think it’s the same principle that people talk about at award shows…ya know, don’t forget the little people. Bitter? No. Jaded? Maybe a little. Happy for those who genuinely find something good? You betcha. As for the rest of your heffers who are willing to settle for anyone who’s interested in you? Keep it to yourself, the adults are talking.

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Listening Is So Last Season!

17 May

Obviously!

 

 

Let’s discuss a pandemic effecting our friendships nationwide. Oftentimes our friends have to move all over the Country, so it’s only logical that we keep in contact with them through one of the thousands of ways made possible to us through technology. Whether it’s old school and you use the phone,  or prefer email, Facebook, Twitter, video chat and the like.

If you’re like me, you may have noticed that  several of your friends love the sound of their own voice a tremendous amount. These friends, who would marry their voice if it was legal and that statement made any sense, tend to get you on the phone and do several things:

1. The bait and switch:

Here, a friend may ask you how you’ve been, what you’re doing or what’s new? As soon as you get three words out of your mouth, they find ONE word and take on the conversation.

For example:

Them: “How’s your dog? Still in the hospital?”

Me: “Oh, he’s doing well. He was given some strong medication-” ”

Them: “OH I just got some medication too for this thing that’s been going on. I’m not sure what it is but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

Expect this to go on for the next 30 to 40 minutes. I suggest speaker phone and a TV show on mute.

2. The “I feel for you” fake out:

This is where a friend may ask you a more in-depth question they know will get you talking.

Them: “Anything new with your live in paraplegic boyfriend Jim and his pet monkey?”

It would appear, said friend would LOVE for you to engage in a lengthy conversation regarding your poor, handicapped boyfriend Jim. No, NO I say! At this juncture in the conversation, your friend is anxious to jump in; like when you buy something from a candy machine and jump the gun, trying to open the bottom slot and wind up jamming and mushing the candy between the slot and your hand. It’s just no good. PATIENCE. Why ask me a question you care nothing about?

People should just get on the phone and say… “I know I called you to pretend I care about what you have to say…but really, I just want to bore YOU to death with all my stories and self-absorbed crap.” Because a conversation is like anything else….give and take. Plus, generally, you should CARE about who you’re talking to and what they have to say. Why fake it? Seems silly.

The jump in would look like this:

Them: “Anything new with your live in paraplegic boyfriend Jim and his pet monkey?”

You: “Well, Trevor is trying to potty train it because-”

Them: “AWW! I know when my boyfriend, Micah, tried to potty train HIS monkey…it was like, so hard. But just bribe him with bananas. That’s what works!”

You: “Trevor, sadly, has a banana allergy…so-”

Them: “NO WAY. He’s a monkey! That’s impossible! I’m telling you, it works!”

This can go on for some time..it’s best to cut it off ASAP. It’s like their word is gospel and should be treated as such. This can also tie in greatly with the competition factor…

3. The competitor

Number two essentially covered the basics. This is similar with one minor tweak. Anything you say, they have a reply for. They’ve done what you’ve done and THEN some and they have no issue letting you know what’s up.

Nothing you do will be impressive…ever. Mainly because whatever hardship you’ve gone through, theirs has been worse. Whatever pain, heartbreak, happiness, success…they will trump you every time.

For these types of friends, I suggest placating them. “Oh, yes! Poor you! Awesome you! GOOD FOR YOU!”

It is the only way to calm the beast.

These people get a big YIKES from me. Listening and communication skills are a fundamental foundation for relationships and friendships alike!  What has happened to our society, so dependent on social media and hell-bent on NOT communicating and building foundations that are so VITAL to forging lasting relationships ( whether it be school, work, relationship, friendship, etc).

Communication skills… “GET YOU SOME!” 

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Tales Of Set Up Failure: Lingerie Loungin’

16 May

Who Wants to Get a Little Sexy?

 

 

About a year or so ago, my (ex) boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move from my…well…his apartment.  From there, the changes kept on coming! I had to momentarily leave my dog behind, since he’s not allowed in my roommate’s house, and oh yeah! By roommate….I mean my mother.

It should be relatively easy to understand why it would have taken me a little bit of time to get over the breakup. At the very least, more than a week. My friends are wonderful but do not listen, and insisted that I trudge forward.

One night about a week after everything came to a halt,  (let’s call her) Gina decides that I should meet her friend and I immediately refuse. Not only am I far from ready, but I haven’t even SPOKEN to this “friend.” She tells me it’s too bad, he has seen my picture, has my number and is going to use it.

Great. I figure, fine…what’s the worst that can happen? Wrong question to ask, every time!

::ring ring::

A number I don’t know…what’s his name? Adam? Matt? Whatever, something generic.

“Hey you,” I hear on the other end of the line.

Can we take a moment and address this? You don’t know me, you’ve never met me nor spoken with me before…so…who exactly are you addressing ME as “you?” While it’s meant to be endearing I guess, it’s absurd and rubs me the wrong way. It’s not like we’ve met, or been friends for ten years, etc. Just keep it short guys…  “hey” or a nice throaty “hello” will do juuuuuust fine.

I’m already not amused, not wanting to have this conversation and am waiting to be wowed, or repulsed. Judging from the post I’m writing, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed…

Me: “erhm…hi?”

Mr. Whomever: “I’m (can’t remember), Gina’s friend. And you’re Allyson?”

You just dialed my number, didn’t you!?

Me: “Yep,“ I replied, short and to the point.

Mr. Whomever: “Gina said you’re into Adult Swim…that’s really hot. I bet you’re really kinky, huh?”

Two things wrong with this statement.

Epic Fail #1: Adult Swim is Cartoon Networks late night channel, featuring nothing sexual unless you’re into that anime cartoon weirdo bullshit.

Epic Fail #2: WHAT would possess you to ask someone you just started talking to 30 seconds ago if they’re kinky or not?

Me: “I love Adult Swim, but I don’t think you understand that it’s Car-“(the last piece of toons escapes under my breath as he cuts me off…)

Mr. Whomever: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”

::sigh::

Me: “Well…I don’t know, I guess drive from Tallahassee down here at 3am alone. I just woke up one morning and decided I wanted to come home, so I did.”

Mr. Whomever: “That’s it?” he replied.

Me: “Yep, that’s about it.”

He is waiting for me to pony up information, to confide in him, show him I’m interested…I’m not interested.

Mr. Whomever: “My girlfriend and I one time got a couples massage, and we were so turned on when we left we had to pull over and have sex in the bushes off the highway. I guess that’s my most spontaneous act…”

I didn’t even ask.

Mr. Whomever: “OOH! OOH! Actually, we stopped one time at a swingers club. We didn’t participate…but we did watch. Are you into that at all?”

Me: “Not at all, sorry. What are your top three movies? If you had to choose?”

I was searching for an inkling of normalcy.

Mr. Whomever: “My Cousin Vinny, 300 and Goodfellas. Do you like hairy men?”

Me: “Interesting choices…I’m not into gorillas, if that’s what you’re asking.”

At this point, I was ready to have some fun. I had tried to get off the phone twice and short of hanging up on the dude, I figured…great…free…material. It’s now been silent for about a minute before I start to say…

Me: “Ok, well I have to be going now…I’ve got to be at work at 6:30, so early wakeup call!” I figured, an exit line no one can refuse! Hint, hint, hint, HINT!

Mr. Whomever: “So you’re all dressed for bed?”

Me: “Yep.”

In actuality I was still in my work clothes from the day, but thought…let’s do this.

Mr. Whomever: “What are you wearing? I bet you like to sleep in those little nighties”

Me: “Oh for sure! The smaller the better.”

Mr. Whomever: “Anything underneath?”

Me: “Of course not,” I reply, snickering to myself in my brother’s bedroom, anxious to see how far I can push this kid.

A short-breathed sound sort of emerges from his side of the phone like a gasp.

Mr. Whomever: “That’s…so hot. Anything you want to ask me? Anything..? Anything at all, don’t worry.”

I know where he’s going.

 Me: “No, not really. Maybe another time..”

Mr. Whomever: “Are you SURE? Nothing? I’m totally open and willing to answer ANYTHING.” Dripping with suggestive tones, what a shock.

Me: “Well, as shy as you’re being, I’m assuming you want me to ask you what you’re working with. Right? That’s what you want?”

Mr. Whomever: “Go ahead, ask me.”

::sigh::

Me: “Alright…what are you working with…that you’re so proud of”

Mr. Whomever: “HARD?” he blurts out. “About 5…5.5”

Silence.

Mr. Whomever: “Is that bad? Good? Why didn’t you respond?”

Clearly I can’t say, because I’m rolling on the floor in laughter at how absurd you are and that you’re being a thousand percent serious right now?!

So I reply…

::giggle giggle giggle::

When I can collect myself, I politely tell him I really have to be going, and after all of this…he has the audacity to say…

Mr. Whomever: ”So I guess you don’t want to come cuddle?”

Y-I-K-E-S.

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

First, you don’t know me! What if I’m a crazy, soul stealing woman? Secondly, what if I’m diseased? Desperate? Clingy? You don’t know me dude…take some time. Third and finally, if you can listen to all that and take yourself seriously, all the while believing that I’m interested….big yikes buddy…big yikes. Sad state of affairs to see who’s out there, and if you didn’t miss someone a lot prior to that, you do afterwards, tell you that. Thank you to all my friends for wanting me to “get out there,” but uh…do me a solid? NO MORE fix ups!

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