Tag Archives: date

The First Date Dilemma

9 Jan

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Few things suck more than going on a first date, with the exception of running, movies that have Jennifer Lopez in them, and raisin cookies (because raisins LOOK like chocolate chip, but SIT ON A THROWN OF LIES!).

What I’ve found is first dates are kind of like Transformers. You start out as one person and adapt to your audience and surroundings. Your date starts out one way, and then morphs from a Chevy Camaro into Bumblebee. You know, the usual.

It took me a long time to figure some things out about first dates. For a while I just thought I was bad at them. I used to feel like I could never fully be myself because that’d be like releasing the kraken at Chili’s. No one wants that. Trust me.  My mentality shifted after being single for three years and starting to give zero fucks. What started out as, “Well, I have to come off slightly reserved and keep some of myself a mystery” turned into “I’m going to be myself completely. If you dig it, fabulous. Hate it? Cool. I’m not for you. No biggie.”

I tried to be the girly-girl. I tried to be the sporty-girl. I tried to be the guys-girl. The beer drinker. The whiskey enthusiast. The book nerd. The lover.  The easy-going girl. The righteous moral-girl.  The one-night-fun-time-girl. The fighter. The, the, the, the, the, the…

None of it worked. And holy crap, was I exhausted trying to be everything to everyone. Not to say that I’m not pieces of the perceived persona, but it was learning to tone down certain things I love and amplify the others, pending my dates interests, likes and dislikes.

Resolved that I would never go on a date that would be exceptionally pleasant or inspire me to go on a second date with anyone, possibly ever, I just resolved to be myself.   But who was I? Who had I become? And what part of the first date schtick was real?   Your friends are quick to give you all sorts of advice, without asking for it, that they feel is worth taking into consideration:

  • Men don’t want you to be funny. They have to be the funny one.
  • Men love funny women! Be you!
  • You’re intimidating because your life is together and they want a damsel-in-distress.
  • Men love confident women whose lives are SET. Be you!
  • If he doesn’t like you, it’s his loss!
  • Stop looking for it, it’ll come.
  • Keep putting yourself out there, it’ll happen.
  • No, really. Stop looking. Stop putting yourself out there. Maybe get a second dog. Dogs are cool.
  • WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HIM NOT LIKE YOU AND WHY AREN’T YOU GIVING ME GRANDCHILDREN?

Whoops…that last one…was said…by a friend.

We’ve all been on enough dates to know the difference between a good date where you two vibe well and there’s a spark-of-electricity (AKA I-could- rip-your-clothes-off-and-mount-you-here-in-public!), versus a bad date where the conversation lulls, you wonder who’s texted you about plans you COULD be enjoying instead, or you find your eyes wandering to other tables where people who are on GOOD dates are ogling each other and falling into a deep hormone induced like.   This year I’ve gone on a couple excellent dates. Several “ok” dates. Multiple “DEAR-DOG-WHY-WOULD-YOU-DO-THIS-TO-ME!?” dates.

Unfortunately, we now go back to the Transformers and where things go wrong.

It took me a long time to figure out why I’m not good on a first date. Why I sweat it. Why I try so hard to be who I need to be based on the situation. For a long time now, I’ve let situations dictate who I am and who I should be. What kind of person and lady I am. It turns out my self-esteem or confidence isn’t the issue. It’s that both of them are just as confused as I am.

“Ok dude, I showed up, but now what version of me do you want me to ‘let free’ and show?”- Self-Esteem

“Fuck them. Let me free and let’s just see what happens!”- Confidence

If you act like a down-to-earth, cool chick, who is confident and has her life together, you’re “intimidating.”

If you just shake your head and say, “Oh, for sure!” all the time, you seem weak and like you have no opinions.

Be demure. Be strong. Be confident. Be funny. Be timid. Be human. Be, be, be, be…

Be so concerned with who you should be, you forget who you are. Be so concerned with who you should be, that the person you’re with can’t figure it out either. Be so concerned with who you should be, you forget to have a good time.

Forgetting who you are leaves your self-esteem and confidence staring at each other like, “Houston, we have a problem. Well, Allyson, it’s been a privilege flying with you.  Now, much like Apollo 13, we’re going to spontaneously blow this joint up.”

What I’ve found to be true of the men-folk on first dates:

When They’re Genuinely Interested In Getting to Know You

  1. They ask questions.
  2. They keep their eyes on you, not your boobs.
  3. They try as hard, if not harder than women to try to find the commonalities.
  4. They set a second date before the first date even ends.
  5. They don’t try to grope you, because they’re not in a hurry or concerned if they don’t try to bang you now, that you’ll wake up tomorrow suddenly not interested.
  6. They don’t try to bullshit you. They’re honest and open despite the topic (as much as they can be on a first date).
  7. They don’t check their phone at the table. (Seriously, the best way to give a woman the middle finger without doing it.)
  8. They want to let you into their world. What they like, what they’re interested in, what they nerd out over.

When They’re Genuinely Interested in Getting To Know Your Vageen

  1. It’s a race to the bedroom.
  2. They make HORRIBLE jokes that are ALWAYS sexual or passively sexual.
  3. They check their phone to let you know that someone more awesome, interesting or hot could be texting them right now…better hop on it before this stag heads to another racetrack.
  4. They forget you have eyes. Because, well, as a very funny movie once put it… “Eyes are the nipples of the face.” But boobs…are the face, of….of the face. I think I even just confused myself.
  5. They don’t make real plans. They make last minute plans (always after 11 PM) because of “hectic schedules,”  “conflicting plans,” or ya know, “general disinterest.”
  6. They send pictures of their junk, before you even meet. If you’re lucky, that doesn’t start until after the first date, but definitely before the second date is even in the works.
  7. They want you to know how important and busy their world currently is. How much porn they watch, what kind of weird porn they watch, how many times they whack it a day, and how incredibly horny they are all the time. Even right now.

What I’ve found to be true of women-folk on first dates:

When They’re Genuinely Interested In Getting to Know You

  1. We laugh at your jokes. All of them. Bad, good, otherwise.
  2. We ask you questions about your life. We want to know what makes you tick and how we become one of those things.
  3. We’re constantly worried that we didn’t wear the right thing, say the right thing, played with our hair too much, didn’t say enough, said too much. OH MY DOG, WE’RE PANICKING. WE RUINED IT. ALL OF IT. FOREVER.
  4. We let ourselves enjoy the date.
  5. We let our guard down, just enough to show we’re “cool.”
  6. We hope for a little bit of intimacy – a hand touch, a quick kiss at the end of the night.
  7. We like what they like. I don’t know why that happens. I swear, I don’t. Not into Star Wars? Now you’ve seen them all…if he asks. Hate whiskey? Nope. Now we love it! Can’t get enough of it. Drink it breakfast, lunch and dinner.
  8. Then, we explain no…we don’t have a problem. But thanks for the concern.

Us being nervous is a good thing. It means we’re anxious in the best way possible. For those of you who are like me, extremely chatty and outgoing, if you’re able to silence us …you’re winning.

When They’re Genuinely Interested In Getting Away From You

The thing is, you’ll notice there’s no “when they’re trying to get into YOUR pants.” Despite it being 2014, women are still discouraged from going out with a guy and getting her “ya-ya’s” on the first date. Men? Heroes. Women? Hussies.

If something happens with her on the first date, consider yourself lucky. Don’t condemn her for her actions but perhaps celebrate the fact she’s comfortable enough in her own skin to do what she pleases, when she pleases.

That being said, if we’re not into you, we’re trying to get away from you.

Here’s how we act when that is happening.

  1. We go to the bathroom…a lot. Sure, we had a few vodka sodas, but five times in 30 minutes is still extreme. But how else are we supposed to text everyone we know how lame you are?
  2. We stop making eye contact. Mainly because the conversation at the next able is more interesting and engaging than you showing us your new computer watch and showing us how it connects to your phone and delivers text messages and…SHUT IT.
  3. Body language is everything. Crossed legs away from you mean no, crossed legs towards you mean go.
  4. We start to sigh a lot. Mainly because we now have to explain to the same “friend” above why she can’t have grandchildren, due to the fact the available suitors make us want to learn to be ok with her slightly masculine lady friend who keeps wanting to sleep over.

The worst part about the Transformers first date is when you DO transform. When you take a perfectly fine and powerful Chevy Camaro and transform into the silent, struggling for words, Bumblebee.

You do what you think is right, you follow your rules, you do it all…

Because you’re tired of being alone. Because you’re hoping this time will be different. Because maybe, you’ll finally meet someone who doesn’t make you want to pop your eyes out with the butter knife at J. Alexander’s.

Then, after you transform yourself the worst thing happens – no phone call, no text, no second date. But you did everything you thought would work? YOU SAID YOU LOVED STAR WARS, FOR DOGSSAKE.

It’s here I had the true “ah-ha” moment.  That age old quote is seriously so powerfully accurate:

“Be who you are, everyone else is already taken.”-Oscar Wilde

If what’s in your head is a kraken of crazy, release it. If you’re a calm, quiet girl who doesn’t want to be asked how big her boobs are or her favorite position before you can get the cup of crappy coffee to her lips, be that girl.

bc455948_ReleaseTheKraken

There’s someone for everyone. Be the someone you would want to be with. Be the someone you’d be proud to date. Be the someone you can wake up every morning, look in the mirror and be thrilled to see her.

The rest will come.

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A Lesson on the “The Letdown Chat”

11 Jun

 

 

Ahh, a first date. So much goes into the making.

If you’re part of the online dating scene, you know the protocol:

1. Contact them online

2. Wait for response

3. Get their response, and then make them wait extra time to hear a response because we’re “very busy”

4. Determine whether or not there is enough in common to look past their love for cats, quoting Scarface (which never gets old), and that their favorite food is corned beef and cabbage.

5. Finally, you decide to go out and meet them. Take the leap. The plunge. The final nail in the “will you be the one I can stand for more than one date” coffin.

Meeting a new prospect is always intimidating. You have no idea who you’re really going to meet. Sure, their pictures look respectable and you may click a thousand percent on the phone or via text, but that doesn’t mean that in person things will be so easy.

If all goes well, you both click. It’s an evening full of laughter and easy conversation, drinks and happiness and puppies, kittens and ponies.

If it so happens you two meet, you know within the first five minutes whether things are going to work out or not. We’re all relatively smart, we can feel it. Sometimes we sit through the entire date, let the person tell us about their occasional coke habit, let them call you chubby because “HEY, I AM TOO!” and really let themselves make an ass of themselves.

So you drink, eat, conversate, then leave. If it’s been a day or so and you don’t hear anything and don’t feel compelled to chat with them…the point is pretty much moot. It didn’t work out in real life. If you two could have a total text relationship, holy shit, you two would rock the face off relationships. However, sadly, you cannot solely exist in an online realm.

What really chaps my ass, is when two days later, you get “The letdown chat.” It’s that moment where the other person just wants to say hi, they had a great time, but…

1. I’ve been hurt too much lately to get into something new

2. I think we’d make better friends

3. You kiss like my grandfather ( those were very confusing times)

4. If you want to keep it casual, just sex and stuff, I could swing that…but emotional investment? Naaaah

5. I just generally don’t like your face…that’s it. Really.

People are putting way too much pressure on the first time. Just like most “firsts” in your relationship, they may not rock right off the bat. If the person you weren’t really vibing with is sending texts, asking “when am I going to see you next?” etc., THEN I could understand “the letdown chat.” When there is no communication for several days, and YOU bring it up? Well, then you’re just the worst kind of person.

Problems with “the letdown chat:”

1. It never starts off with a, “What did you think? Were you into it?”

That could save so much time and embarrassment. If you didn’t like me, solid chance that I felt similarly. Why not ask before you arrogantly give me one of your famous talks?

2. It’s choc full of backhanded compliments

“No it’s just, you have an amazing personality…and if this were a few months ago and I felt like dating a lagoon creature, I’d be ALL about this.”

“It’s really that I’m not ready. I’m not over my ex, but I thought I’d try a dating site and see other people in the meantime. If I WAS up for dating, trust me, it’d be you.”

“Your warm embrace and short arms remind me of a t-rex, and t-rex’s are MY FAVORITE dinosaur!”

“I’d totally tear you a part…but that’s all I can handle right now. That cool?”

 

Maybe stop for a second and consider…was I the only one feeling this? Perhaps they weren’t really vibing with me either. BUT NO, how could they NOT vibe with me? For all I am all that is awesome.

“The letdown chat” should be done on mutual grounds. It shouldn’t be brought up out of nowhere, all cavalier and such, and it shouldn’t be based on assuming that the one you’re letting down will in fact feel…let down.

If we don’t speak for two days, don’t feel compelled to let me know how sorry you are it won’t work out. Chances are, I feel similarly and will not be lying in my bathtub later with a jug o’wine, listening to Dido and trying to not put the razor to my wrist. Just because your mother says you’re perfect, doesn’t always mean it’s true 😉

Me, A Gorgeous Firefighter, And…My Dad?

16 May

 

Come on Baby, Light my Fire!

 

As you’ll start to notice, I go back and forth with my dating regime. I’ll serial date, then quit cold turkey. Soon after, something happens and I always wind up meeting someone by accident and taking a chance.

Enter John, the Firefighter. John is a weird case, because from the get-go there was a ton of physical chemistry. In some respects, even though we had met a few times, I figured when we actually went on a “date” there would be nothing to say. Most of the time was spent drooling over his arms, back, abs…butt…you get the point.

Turns out he is actually quite smart, genuine and all around appeared to be a nice guy. I didn’t want to sound like a jerk, but I had to ask…

Me: “Why on earth are you single? You’re a firefighter, you have perfect teeth and eyes I’d love to dive into. Help me understand!”

He went on to compliment me before saying that he just usually meets “trash,” which is why he’s always hesitant to meet people in bars.

He went on to say he rarely drinks, watches TV, etc and is also not an overly obnoxious health nut.  John seemed relatively perfect…potential mythical unicorn material! Typically that means…there’s a catch!

We spent five hours at a Starbucks, with a constant flow of conversation. It might have been the first time I’d felt a genuine connection with anyone in a long…long…LONG time.

There was a guy who sat down quite some time after we’d been there, and he was an older guy who set up a laptop, mouse pad and some intricate looking mouse for “people who are serious about doing computer work.” He was sitting on John’s side, and periodically, I’d see John’s eyes wander over to the screen. He’d laugh, look back and mouth “oh..my…GOD” to me. Eventually the dude next to us went inside and I asked, “What’s so funny??”

He replies, “The guy next to us is playing World Of Warcraft!” I laugh, and he looks at me and gets very serious…

“Hey, this isn’t your dad, is it?”

“What? NO, that’s not my Dad.”

“I’m just saying, that would be super clever. Like he was here to make sure I was a good dude, and make sure his little girl is ok.”

“I can assure you…that’s not my Dad.”

“Ok…” And he lets it go. Temporarily.

“He’s really looking at me funny…” he says.

The guy can’t hear him because he’s wearing industrial sized headphones.

“John honestly…I can’t make you believe it’s not my dad if you think it is.”

“No no no…you’re right. He’s probably not.”

The conversation went on, and as the night was coming to a partial close/relocation as Starbucks was closed for over 2 hours now and it was only us…and this guy. I decided that since John had already picked up on my humor, and we were sort of already in the “easy part” of the date, I’d mess with him…because that’s the mature, caring individual I am.

“Are you ready to get out of here?”

“Yes, it’s best…it’s 12:30 and the only other person here is this guy,” I say.

“Don’t worry, I’d protect you,” he says with a smile.

“Oh that won’t be necessary,” I reply as we stand up.

“Have a good night kids,” the guy says, indicating he’s probably been able to hear us the WHOLE time.

“GOODNIGHT, DAD!” I look back and yell. The guy was momentarily confused, John went completely ghost white, and I had a good laugh. The way I see it…everyone won!