Tag Archives: girls

If You Wanna be My Lover, You Gotta Get With These Trends

25 Feb
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

Everyone has standards. Some are rational, like “he must not be a serial killer (or a cereal killer. Seriously, I hate it when they finish the last of the cereal!),” or “she must have almost NO STD’s for this to work out… OK, maybe one is OK. NO, NO. None.” Then there are some “standards” that wouldn’t be categorized in the rational category. I call those irrational mandatory must-haves my “Spice Girl” list. To ensure the guy knows how to “Spice Up Your Life,” I run through this list of must-haves, compiled from dudes I’ve previously dated (or what I affectionately refer to as the are-you-freakin’-kidding-me…list).  If you want to make sure that “2 Become 1,” here’s what you must have:

1. You must know who Drake is – Am I serious right now? Yes. Yes, I am. How is it 2013 and you have no idea who Drake is? All you listen to is Grateful Dead? Well, when you’re done lighting your sage and braiding your hair, don’t call me.

2. You must own a TV— I hate to pull the “it’s 2013” card twice in a row, but I seriously dislike nothing more than hearing some pretentious asshole talk about why they don’t have a TV. “Nature is too beautiful,” or “I prefer to read at night,” or “I’m busy making a replica of a human woman out of string and bits of hair.”  I love comedy. I love TV. I can’t compromise on this one!

3. You don’t understand the importance of a first date – I get it. Women are “scary.” Actually, it’s probably less about the fact we can be scary and more about rejection. Nobody likes to feel rejected. Last night a friend of mine told me a story about how her sister was in love with this guy. She finally grew a pair and asked him if he was into her too. He said no, but she felt “SO MUCH BETTER.” That sounds…just…awful to me. BUT I get it. That being said, if I have to be vulnerable…you’re going to have to work a little.

Asking someone on a first date is like giving them a glimpse into your head. Are you going to ask me to the movies? Ok, so you’re not a talker.  Meet up for a drink? You’re not sure if you like me and want to see what happens if we have ONE drink before you financially commit to an entire dinner (and I commit to taking my pants off). Oh, let’s grab a coffee at Starbucks? That means you like me slightly less than the person asking me for a drink. That’s like the lowest form of date imaginable. Teetering on friend level and that’s exactly what you’d like to me know before we get there. This could go either way. Dinner? Full on, DINNER? You dig me. You want to impress me. And you hope I check the box next to  yes when you pass me the “Do you like me?” note.  Do something totally out of the ordinary like take me go-karting? Well, that’s marriage material, fella.

IF you’re not willing to take a chance, man up, and ask me out…we’ll have to say “Goodbye” before we even say hello.

4. You incorporate “gangsta speak” into conversations non-ironically – I’m all for droppin’ a little thug knowledge during a conversation, but entirely ironically. I’m not actually asking if you “nah sayin?” Because I would never actually say that in a serious way.  For some weird reason, the wealthier and more educated the schmuck is, the more he wants to fake his way through a thuggish ruggish speech. We’re not finna happen, ya dig? Just do you boo boo and we’ll be aight.

5.  You’ve beaten the internet and there is no trace of you – Nothing screams Law and Order SVU episode like not being “traceable.”  I don’t understand people who have escaped Google, Facebook, and been able to keep their life off the inter-webs. Makes me nervous! Even some kind of SMALL presence lets me know you’re not a robot or a rapist (or worse….a robo-rapist).

6. Your manners are on vacay in Katmandu – If you slurp soda like a sloth licking marmalade off a tree…this isn’t going to work.  If half your dinner ends up on your shirt and pants, then you re-wear them the next day…this isn’t going to work.  If you walk ahead of me or behind me instead of by me…this for SURE isn’t going to work. Remember: Men with manners make it further than those who don’t have any….nah sayin?

7.  Your funny bone is “in the shop for repairs”— If your sense of humor is also on vacy with your manners in Katmandu, don’t call me, maybe.  Nothing is sexier than a guy who can make me laugh or at least appreciate good humor. Silly humor. Stupid humor. POOP humor. Anything that qualifies as humor, qualifies as my kinda thang. If you’re going to be my kinda thang, it’s important we have this in common. Laughing at my jokes is not mandatory, but is greatly appreciated (and works wonders on that first date we were talking about).

8.  The only pair of dressy shoes you own are “fancy” sneakers– Dear LORD, I cannot stress this enough. Sneakers aren’t dress shoes. Nike Air Max doesn’t qualify as a dress shoe. New Balance does not make a dress shoe. When did this become a “thing?” I’m not talking about Puma’s, or Sketchers, or those kind of comfy with a little dressy mixed in….I’m talking about straight up SNEAKERS.  If you’re over 23 and don’t own a pair of dress shoes…you’re doing it wrong.

9. You aren’t divorced….yet – These are my favorite type of men. They’re not quite divorced, but “separated” for like, 9-12 months and ready to start something new.  To get the ball rolling, they don’t tell you they’re still married until you’re already out with them. From there, they launch into every reason why they are both over their wife and why it didn’t work. They make sure to not say anything too terrible and tend to take the “she’s an amazing woman, but we just weren’t right. We were too young, etc.”  The date usually ends with me counseling them, talking things through, then I head to the car and scream…and face-palm on repeat. D’OH!

10. You have more personalities than Sybil and you’re higher maintenance than Mariah Carey – Recently, I’ve found that some men are worse than women when it comes to getting things “their way.”  I shouldn’t have to coax you through the start of our dating period. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be my boyfriend or try to decipher your confusing and weird behavior and text messages. Be straightforward. I’m prettttttty open and straightforward. I expect the same. If you’re going to have a long list of demands and then change your mind every five seconds, I’m not sure a gal can keep up!

A friend of mine once asked me what I was looking for in a guy. I replied, “I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want…” with a lengthy list of “must-haves” and “must have-nots.” He looked at me and said, “You don’t know what you want. And you won’t know what you want until it shows up.”

Well, he’s right. So far it hasn’t been awesome, so for now…we wait! A ziggy-zig-ah!

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Relationships: You’re Doing it Wrong

4 Feb
WORD.

WORD.

Sadly, when I think of my friends right now, I want to shake most of them and throat punch the rest of them.  If you’re anything like me, your friends (men and women) are stuck on stupid (whether it’s figurative, or that dude with the leather jacket and bad life decisions we tried to warn them about).  While I can’t really say what’s happened over the years, I can say that getting older and dealing with your friends who are in relationships (or who desperately want someone in their life) has become tiring, frustrating and downright pathetic.

We’re young and settling, making excuses instead of empowering each other to make better decisions. Part of it is that it’s a rough world out there for the single folk. The older you get the more you start to feel like you’re at a carnival with only bearded women. Except some of those women are dudes. It’s a metaphor.

People are so afraid to be alone it’s scary. Everyone is jumping into relationships, pushing for engagements and marriage, but are they even sure of who they are and what they want? Sure, you may never know, but isn’t it more important to know yourself before you entertain knowing/loving someone else? I’m no rocket scientist, but…seems pretty simple and mind-blowing to me.

If it’s not bad enough, each friend has their own sort of “relationship slogan” as I like to call them:

–          “OMG that’s totally how it was for me. TOTALLY.”

–          “It just takes one.  I mean, I thought it was going to be this other guy, but he wasn’t the one.”

–          “I had to go through a LOT of jerks.”

–          “And here I thought you couldn’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Welp, I was WRONG.”

Now, for no reason whatsoever, here are the things I’m sick of:

Female friends:

1. Just because you were in a bad relationship and now you’re in a good one does NOT make you a relationship expert.

2. Stop making excuses. Just stop. “Well, I promised I’d do this thing because I mean, he did this thing that doesn’t matter for me, but now I just feel like I owe him, you know what I mean?” Or “I just feel like I have to. He’s like, a really good guy at heart I think. The two manslaughter charges against the family of armadillos are TOTALLY getting dropped in 2014.”

3. Stop crying over rotten men. Just like expired milk, toss it in the garbage and don’t look back. Would you drink expired milk? (No: then why would you stay in something that has expired three weeks ago?) (Yes: well, you’re just one sick puppy, aren’t ya?)

4. Stop pretending that your relationship is perfect. It’s not. Know why? (spoiler alert) NOTHING is perfect. If you’re trying to get me to believe that your honey does nothing but poop rainbows and sunshine, try again.  (I’ve lived with two men, I know better)

5. Stop MAKING UP PROBLEMS to talk about your men. “Oh my GOD, I was so pissed at Tom last night. You’ll never guess what he did!” No. Wrong. I probably will. And guess what? It’s not that bad. If he forgot to meet you out, didn’t want to come over, etc…shut it. Just shut it…and leave him alone. He’s a human being.

6. Don’t forget your friends. Even though you choose to neglect them for whatever your reasoning may be (probs because we’re too single and fabulous to be around. Or, more likely because we come in a team of 1 and you’re now a team of 2), they’re still there. AND, we’ll either be there at the wedding, or there to help move you out.

7. Don’t invite us out to couples night and pretend you’re a different kind of couple. “No, no! Come out! Yes, it’s couples game night and you’d be the only one there alone, BUT…I mean…we’re NOT that kind of couple.” Ah yes, that feels fun. Your intentions are good, but c’mon….c’mon…that leaves your single friends ready to hop in the bathtub and listen to Sade’ then play a little skin violin. At least do us a solid and bring that delightful single person you keep trying to hook us up with.

8. In other news, stop trying to hook us up with your boyfriend’s shitty friends. We don’t want them. He’s awful. They’re awful. Stop it.

9. Stop complaining about not going out anymore. “Oh man, I envy you…you get to cram your feet in 8’ heels, put on a short glitter skirt and parade around. What a lucky gal.” No one past 23 actually ENJOYS doing that.

10. STOP ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AT GIRLS NIGHT EVERY TIME YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CALLS, DESPITE KNOWING YOU’RE AT GIRLS NIGHT. Holy cow, nothing makes me crazier. Then you answer the phone, “Hey babe. No, I’m just sitting here with Ally. Well, did you poop today? You did? That’s a big boy. What color was it? Ok babe, I have to go but I love you. Congrats on your giant turd.”

Male Friends:

1. Dude, I get it. Boobs are totally awesome. I have a set. At some point, my level of cool is compromised and I just can’t hear about or help you judge a “juicy pair of jugs.” RESPECK.

2. Stop telling me about your “standards.” Psssh. What you should say is: this is what I’d like…if Jack Daniels wasn’t involved.

3. Another thing about your “standards” is be REALISTIC. If you’re a pseudo lagoon creature, stop trying to look for a girl who is a Victoria’s Secret model, with the brain of Einstein who wants to do nothing but blow you, bake brownies and have babies. Actually, if you meet a woman who wants the 3 B’s (as I just mentioned) you marry her…marry her, I say!

4.  Stop making excuses for crazy women. Some bitches be cray…recognize a red flag or 15 when they unfurl and move on.

5. No, I will not set you up with any more of my friends after the last incident. You know what I’m talking about; I don’t think I have to say it.

I think it’s the same principle that people talk about at award shows…ya know, don’t forget the little people. Bitter? No. Jaded? Maybe a little. Happy for those who genuinely find something good? You betcha. As for the rest of your heffers who are willing to settle for anyone who’s interested in you? Keep it to yourself, the adults are talking.

Epidemic Continues To Spread! Is There Hope For A Cure On The Horizon?

16 May

Are there really ANY words that could do this image of D.A.D.S justice?

 

Congratulations!

If you’re reading this, you’ve come to the realization that you are suffering from one of two very serious afflictions; Dumb Girl Syndrome (D.G.S) or Dumb Ass Dude Syndrome (D.A.D.S). Right now you’re confused and scared, wondering where you’ve contracted this from, who’s to blame and regretting not using protection the last few times. Relax. Sadly, like so many other serious diseases, D.G.S. and D.A.D.S ar typically a genetic defect or something learned from a very early age. Most likely if it’s learned it’s due to an overbearing mother, strict upbringing, or daddy issues. So many Americans in particular between the ages of 13 to douche bag suffer daily, and unfortunately… there seems to be no immediate cure.

“But how can I KNOW for SURE if I suffer from these offensive diseases?”

Great of you to ask! Today, we examine the symptoms of D.G.S and D.A.D.S and pose the serious question: Is there hope for a cure?

 

“Like, O.M.G, D.G.S?”

D.G.S, or Dumb Girl Syndrome, is continuing to run rampant. It appears to stem from need for attention, affection, or extreme denial. Girls who suffer from D.G.S are typically very easy to spot, as they tend to run in packs. During the winter season, they typically migrate north and west, clamoring to NY to catch a glimpse of the girls from The Hilly City (whoever they are) or to LA to become the next contestant on The Real World (I’m going to be famous!). These girls are skittish, so if you approach them, be sure to do so calmly and without food in hand as they’re most likely hungry (eating= a major no no! But, you CAN have a cheese cube if you’re about to pass out). A half-caff, light mocha frap has been known to calm the beast, but NO WHIPPED CREAM…God help you if there’s whipped cream…

Other symptoms tend to include possessing one or more magazines in their gigantic mansion of a purse that often accompanies a small dog closely resembling a stuffed animal rather than an actual animal! These girls tend to drag their dogs everywhere, treating their pet as an accessory. Let me ask you a serious question…do you really think fluffy wants to be shoved into a Louie knock-off and toted around while you walk the city, read in Borders and gossip about how Scott likes to call you at 2 AM but cannot commit? If I was a toy dog, I’d demand to be left home so I could flounce about the house believing I was living in a giant “Fluffy” based world.

Many girls afflicted with D.G.S suffer from two other major symptoms, including an oomp-ish orange hue and skunk-hair (defined by a platinum blond top layer of hair with a bright color or dark brown layer underneath). If you see this, do not blame these misguided girls as they are simply victims of trend and excessive media consumption. Someone needs to drop some knowledge on these girls that what the Gossip Girls or Katy Perry do are not gospel. Just because you see it, does not mean you must imitate.

For example: spandex leggings. Whoever reintroduced this fashion statement should be exiled! News flash: spandex…not for everyone. In addition, the reintroduction of hammer pants, or as some call them “genie” pants? N-O-T cute, and in this case not for anyone unless of course you’re actually M.C. Hammer…or live in a bottle.

All girls suffering from D.G.S suffer denial and misguided notions, particularly when it comes to men. They cannot conceive why they’re not married or in a relationship, why their ex’s have not returned to shout from the roof-tops “I’m so sorry, I made a huge mistake!” This is very closely related to the book turned movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you’re sitting there thinking, “that is so not true, I know he’s just intimidated by my beauty or my success…or my…love for my dog,” etc. then may I suggest you pick up a copy of either.

Is there hope for a cure? Let’s be serious. As long as the Paris Hilton’s and the like are some sort of diluted version of role models or public figures, my guess is no. While I’d like to say I’m optimistic for the future and finding a cure for this disease, I see little to no chance of that happening in my lifetime or those to come. Sorry. How do we avoid and/or comfort those suffering with this terminal illness? With laughter. Look around…one out of three women you know is suffering from this. If you can’t figure out who it is, as the old saying goes… it’s you.

 

So, you’re becoming a D.A.D!

This subject is one of my favorites, and one I love to talk about with passion! I love men (albeit typically the wrong ones, but none the less)…real MEN. Not man-boys, or the ever-present “man-baby.” Also on my list of “dislikes” are the symptoms included within this awful and sadly…flourishing disease. Men, brace yourself…these are the symptoms that if you have 1 or more, could mean that YOU…are becoming a D.A.D.

I would generally just write, “large sunglasses,” as a distinctive characteristic of this disease that both boggles my mind and infuriates me. If your sunglasses are larger than mine, that’s an issue. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s idiocy and frankly sir…you look ridiculous! Oh, don’t believe me? Going to purchase some new shades? Ahhhh yes, I see you’ve chosen the ultra douche bag large WHITE sunglasses, or the sunglasses that shouldn’t even be classified as glasses because they have lines through the center of it. NICE choice. NEWS FLASH MEN: Kanye West…is an idiot. Anything he does, you should go ahead and do the complete opposite. He’s not black Jesus, he’s not the best thing to happen to fashion,  he’s a man…with bad taste. Large sunglasses are the largest indicator of D.A.D.S…get it together men.

On the topic of de-manification, let’s discuss the following: guyliner, skinny jeans, Ed Hardy, shiny metallic gear of any kind and bejeweled ANYTHING. I’ve got to tell you…if I see one more embossed Eagle, Snake or false idea of manly-hood decorated in beads I used to play with from my Pretty, Pretty, Princess game when I was five, I’m going to LOSE it. If your jeans are skinnier and tighter than mine, if you’re wearing silver metallic gear, using my eye liner or foundation, OR if you’re wearing more jewelry (cubic zirconia, of course) and hair gel then I am… we have an issue (potentially multiple). When did gender lines become so blurred that it’s acceptable for people to say, “what a cute couple, now which one of you is which? Oh, nice black nail polish dude, it really matches your snake that’s on fire on your sleeveless vest and matching leather murse (man purse)!”

YIKES.

Similarly, the phrase “No Homo” comes to mind. Not only is the phrase incredibly offensive, but really? You need to make it clear to those around you that although you just said you love your guy friend, you’re not gay? And…you think…saying that phrase makes it better? Actually, it leads me to believe that while I wasn’t previously thinking you had any sexual interest in your friend…now? I kind of do!

How about this real life example I saw on a friend of mine’s wall on Facebook from another guy friend from high school:

“Hey dude. I was thinking about soccer the other day and I thought of you, so I thought I’d drop by your wall and leave some love. It made me so happy to see you with a girl in your picture and it seems like you’re happy, which makes me happy…no homo…take care.”

WHAT? Anybody catch what just happened?

I was thinking about you. I wanted to leave you love. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m not gay though. Alrighty then! Guys, you sound ridiculous. It’s okay to wear things that make people question your eh… “openness,” but heaven forbid they think you care and have girly emotions. PSSSH…how “homo.”

Another unfortunate side effect of D.A.D.S stems from factors starting at childhood. Men, just because your mother has told you since you were able to breathe that you are the hottest, most talented, smartest, gift to women in the WORLD does NOT give you a free range to be an ass. It also doesn’t mean you’ve won the lottery and are able to run around with a free “act like a douche for life” card. False. Take a look at why you haven’t had a successful relationship in years, or why you’ve been single and no one wants to get near your bejeweled fire snake for more than a second or two. And of course, that hot piece of ass feeding you compliments is…your mom.

D.A.D.S often enjoy provoking you to talk about their “situation down below,” or want to talk about how they’ve had a girlfriend for five years but still like to get freaky with other women.

Is there a hope for a cure? It’s not likely. As long as trends are in power, brains lack in power, and parents try to program their “little pieces of perfection” from the get go…de-manification will continue to lead to a more prevalent outbreak of D.A.D.S until it takes over all of the remaining (alleged) “real men.”

 

If you know anyone who fits in D.G.S or D.A.D.S or can foresee a cure in the near future, we at the “Foundation for a Yikes-Free Future,” would love to hear from you!