Tag Archives: Humor

If You Wanna be My Lover, You Gotta Get With These Trends

25 Feb
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

Everyone has standards. Some are rational, like “he must not be a serial killer (or a cereal killer. Seriously, I hate it when they finish the last of the cereal!),” or “she must have almost NO STD’s for this to work out… OK, maybe one is OK. NO, NO. None.” Then there are some “standards” that wouldn’t be categorized in the rational category. I call those irrational mandatory must-haves my “Spice Girl” list. To ensure the guy knows how to “Spice Up Your Life,” I run through this list of must-haves, compiled from dudes I’ve previously dated (or what I affectionately refer to as the are-you-freakin’-kidding-me…list).  If you want to make sure that “2 Become 1,” here’s what you must have:

1. You must know who Drake is – Am I serious right now? Yes. Yes, I am. How is it 2013 and you have no idea who Drake is? All you listen to is Grateful Dead? Well, when you’re done lighting your sage and braiding your hair, don’t call me.

2. You must own a TV— I hate to pull the “it’s 2013” card twice in a row, but I seriously dislike nothing more than hearing some pretentious asshole talk about why they don’t have a TV. “Nature is too beautiful,” or “I prefer to read at night,” or “I’m busy making a replica of a human woman out of string and bits of hair.”  I love comedy. I love TV. I can’t compromise on this one!

3. You don’t understand the importance of a first date – I get it. Women are “scary.” Actually, it’s probably less about the fact we can be scary and more about rejection. Nobody likes to feel rejected. Last night a friend of mine told me a story about how her sister was in love with this guy. She finally grew a pair and asked him if he was into her too. He said no, but she felt “SO MUCH BETTER.” That sounds…just…awful to me. BUT I get it. That being said, if I have to be vulnerable…you’re going to have to work a little.

Asking someone on a first date is like giving them a glimpse into your head. Are you going to ask me to the movies? Ok, so you’re not a talker.  Meet up for a drink? You’re not sure if you like me and want to see what happens if we have ONE drink before you financially commit to an entire dinner (and I commit to taking my pants off). Oh, let’s grab a coffee at Starbucks? That means you like me slightly less than the person asking me for a drink. That’s like the lowest form of date imaginable. Teetering on friend level and that’s exactly what you’d like to me know before we get there. This could go either way. Dinner? Full on, DINNER? You dig me. You want to impress me. And you hope I check the box next to  yes when you pass me the “Do you like me?” note.  Do something totally out of the ordinary like take me go-karting? Well, that’s marriage material, fella.

IF you’re not willing to take a chance, man up, and ask me out…we’ll have to say “Goodbye” before we even say hello.

4. You incorporate “gangsta speak” into conversations non-ironically – I’m all for droppin’ a little thug knowledge during a conversation, but entirely ironically. I’m not actually asking if you “nah sayin?” Because I would never actually say that in a serious way.  For some weird reason, the wealthier and more educated the schmuck is, the more he wants to fake his way through a thuggish ruggish speech. We’re not finna happen, ya dig? Just do you boo boo and we’ll be aight.

5.  You’ve beaten the internet and there is no trace of you – Nothing screams Law and Order SVU episode like not being “traceable.”  I don’t understand people who have escaped Google, Facebook, and been able to keep their life off the inter-webs. Makes me nervous! Even some kind of SMALL presence lets me know you’re not a robot or a rapist (or worse….a robo-rapist).

6. Your manners are on vacay in Katmandu – If you slurp soda like a sloth licking marmalade off a tree…this isn’t going to work.  If half your dinner ends up on your shirt and pants, then you re-wear them the next day…this isn’t going to work.  If you walk ahead of me or behind me instead of by me…this for SURE isn’t going to work. Remember: Men with manners make it further than those who don’t have any….nah sayin?

7.  Your funny bone is “in the shop for repairs”— If your sense of humor is also on vacy with your manners in Katmandu, don’t call me, maybe.  Nothing is sexier than a guy who can make me laugh or at least appreciate good humor. Silly humor. Stupid humor. POOP humor. Anything that qualifies as humor, qualifies as my kinda thang. If you’re going to be my kinda thang, it’s important we have this in common. Laughing at my jokes is not mandatory, but is greatly appreciated (and works wonders on that first date we were talking about).

8.  The only pair of dressy shoes you own are “fancy” sneakers– Dear LORD, I cannot stress this enough. Sneakers aren’t dress shoes. Nike Air Max doesn’t qualify as a dress shoe. New Balance does not make a dress shoe. When did this become a “thing?” I’m not talking about Puma’s, or Sketchers, or those kind of comfy with a little dressy mixed in….I’m talking about straight up SNEAKERS.  If you’re over 23 and don’t own a pair of dress shoes…you’re doing it wrong.

9. You aren’t divorced….yet – These are my favorite type of men. They’re not quite divorced, but “separated” for like, 9-12 months and ready to start something new.  To get the ball rolling, they don’t tell you they’re still married until you’re already out with them. From there, they launch into every reason why they are both over their wife and why it didn’t work. They make sure to not say anything too terrible and tend to take the “she’s an amazing woman, but we just weren’t right. We were too young, etc.”  The date usually ends with me counseling them, talking things through, then I head to the car and scream…and face-palm on repeat. D’OH!

10. You have more personalities than Sybil and you’re higher maintenance than Mariah Carey – Recently, I’ve found that some men are worse than women when it comes to getting things “their way.”  I shouldn’t have to coax you through the start of our dating period. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be my boyfriend or try to decipher your confusing and weird behavior and text messages. Be straightforward. I’m prettttttty open and straightforward. I expect the same. If you’re going to have a long list of demands and then change your mind every five seconds, I’m not sure a gal can keep up!

A friend of mine once asked me what I was looking for in a guy. I replied, “I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want…” with a lengthy list of “must-haves” and “must have-nots.” He looked at me and said, “You don’t know what you want. And you won’t know what you want until it shows up.”

Well, he’s right. So far it hasn’t been awesome, so for now…we wait! A ziggy-zig-ah!

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Facebook to Shut Down, Millions of People’s Heads Explode in Fear!

18 May

 

Because sometimes, Facebook can make things “complicated”

Ahhh, I got you bitches good! It doesn’t even feel RIGHT how nervous I probably made a significant group of people feel! Happy mid-year October…fools…day?

But now that I have your attention…

Facebook has it’s way of starting out as a social media tool and then slowly but surely…taking over your life. When I signed up for Facebook it was basic, posting was still fun and hardly scrutinized, and de-friending wasn’t an actual term yet ( which means it was still acceptable).

The larger Facebook and other social media sites continue to get, the more digital drama seems to be happening. What’s the protocol for Facebook? Let’s explore!

Friending and De-Friending (<–both are not actually WORDS, p.s.)

Think back to when you first signed up for your account and who you were friending. At first, it was for people to reconnect to others, right? Those we went to school with when we were kids, people we go to school with now, college friends and classmates.

From there, it spiraled into a debate of…do we friend co-workers? Do we block co-workers? What about teachers? Then it became…block certain information, take down damning pictures and posts and proceed at your own will.

THEN, parents and family members got involved! At that point, I thought…how could this get any more ridiculous? We’re OUT of people to friend. Who do we friend now?

Isn’t it obvious? Why, if you’re a creepy, desperate individual…you sift through your friends, friends, uncles, cousins, college roommates friends and WHAM! It’s like a free dating service!

Why on earth are you friending me with the intention of getting to know me? This may sound completely absurd, but it happens.  Today I’ve been poked three times, by people I do not know, have not known and would prefer to keep it as such.

I just got finished talking to a guy in his late 30′s who friended me and I thought…no big deal. We may have some mutual friends in the community, may be good to network, etc. At no point in time did I think I’d wind up involved with him in any way. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure what his preference was…married…kids….weird…who knows.

Regardless, it appeared like Facebook had started to turn into it’s own sick version of  Plenty of Scum.com ( What I call PlentyOfFish.com). My friend receives (not kidding) HUNDREDS of pokes from random strangers, a TON of messages and friend requests with messages that say, “Hai. You come kiss me I makes wery wery good sex for you. Oh- you haive boifrann?” Not kidding…I saw it!

So here I am, trapped in this bizarre situation. I’m flirting with a stranger, no different than a dating site…I’m being manipulated or wooed or whatever you want to call it and I’m letting it happen. Let’s just say…things go on for a little while…and I do mean a little while, and then I cut it off because it’s clear that while he may be an “adult” by age definition…he’s a manipulative, non-following through jackass who was clearly looking for a little tang tang and found it online…as (I believe) he’s (probably) done before.

Idiot I am, thought “Wow, the way we found each other was so bizarre, maybe something good CAN come from Facebook!”

Clearly…things did not turn out that way, and so I decided ( with the help of everyone in my life, who also can’t stand him) to de-friend him and move forward. On to the next one! Isn’t that the normal thing to do? I figure, he won’t even notice ( since he has to now find another silly woman to replace his Wednesday nights!)…right?

Four days later, I respond to a Facebook post in a group we’re both a part of. A few hours later, I get a phone call where he proclaims he’s a “good guy,” and he “told me upfront what he was capable of.” He then says, “Weirdly enough, I thought we’d set a time to talk (lies) and get things cleared up (mm hmmm) once I saw you online. After I don’t see you online for a few days, I think…maybe  should check and see if her profile says anything. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I have to RE-friend you!”

To be honest? I think being in the mutual group and seeing my post made him go…”Oh yeah! That girl I scammed. What’s that hoe up to?”

After we “talked,” nothing was resolved in my opinion. I wound up accepting the friend request, because I’m an idiot, and because I wasn’t sure what the protocol is there? He thinks things are resolved, I feel a lot of anger for what Facebook helped him get (me). And for what I allowed of course.

When is it ok to de-friend? Not accept a friend request? Or block?

As far as using Facebook as a dating site? Stop it. It’s more pathetic than JDate,MatchE-Harmony AND Plenty of Fish rolled into one sleazy ball of GROSS.

Some terms do NOT have an alternative meaning!

Commenting on Statuses  (PAY ATTENTION, older community!)

There’s something to be said for having people of all ages on Facebook. It can be wonderful, but disturbing when someone who doesn’t understand a comment…wants to comment on top of that for all 1,000 of your friends to see.

Take this example:

Last week, an  older gentleman (who is awesome) in my apartment building had his 21 year old son coming to visit and wanted to hook me up with him. Legitimately, my status erupted into a Cirque D’ Facebook and suddenly I had 25 comments on whether to “do it” or not.

Among them, a friend of mine says, “OH do it. Being with a younger guy is amazing, and they can teach you how to do things…like new fun drinking games! Then, they’ll still go out, party and fist pump with you!”

My mother’s friend and my stand-up comedy teacher (also older) reply:

“Fist pumping??????” and “Is fist pumping code for an obscene act!? If so, please describe it and please be graphic!”

BEST PART?

My MOM texts me…

“Hi honey. Looking at the thread on Facebook! How funny! But…isn’t fist pumping a gay thing!?”

 

If you’re lost in translation, stay away from the status. Seriously. While it made for an extreme amount of entertainment, it was also mildly embarrassing.

 

“So keep on flexin’ and your arms t-rexin’ and do the creep!”

In Regards to Being a Creep

Just stop it. You stop it already! I don’t want to have a phone conversation with you and hear, “Ah yeah bro. I saw that on your status last week. Too funny man!” or “How’s that weird rash coming along?”

No one likes a creeper. No one….seriously.

 

Tighten up, America. It’s time to get our Facebook guidelines in check! Go out and mingle with people, stop trying to be digital sexual predators and live your life one time!