Tag Archives: dating

My “Oh-No-No” List When it Comes to Dating – Inspired by Tom Haverford of Parks and Rec.

16 Sep

I’m a huge fan of the show, Parks and Recreation, created by one of my personal comedy heroes, Amy Poehler. The show itself is pure genius and the characters? Try to pick a favorite. You can’t. Tom Haverford, played by Aziz Ansari, is one of those amazing characters. He has something called an “oh-no-no” list for the women he dates. Essentially, if a woman commits an “oh-no-no,” it can end their relationship.

So, I figured I’d take the idea of an “oh-no-no” list and create one for the men I date, or am about to date, thinking about dating, or leaving a bar with late at night. *

  1. Men with defcon Level 7 bad breath. I’m talking chronic bad breath. How do you not smell or taste it!?
  2. Men who own one set of sheets. It’s weird. You’re an adult. Do better.
  3. Men who don’t like 90’s music. What is wrong with you? Seriously.
  4. Men who call their parents mommy and daddy…and you’re 30.
  5. Men who save their mothers number with emoji’s next to the name.
  6. Men who have no opinion on what the best The Fast and The Furious movie is.
  7. Men who see nothing romantic about going to Disney.
  8. Men who shave more parts than I do, EXCEPT for the parts they should. Which is Ludacris.
  9. Speaking of Ludacris, Men who have no opinion on the best collabo he ever did. It’s with Missy Elliot for Gossip Folks. Duh.
  10. Men who don’t like comedy. Stand up comedy. Improv comedy. None of it.
  11. Men who think Chelsea Handler is a “comedy goddess.”
  12. Men who think Christopher Titus is funny. Woof.
  13. Men who try to explain fantasy football to me. I don’t get it. It’s like football + sci-fi.
  14. Men who hate Florida State, but your team perpetually loses. And is less awesome. (And are probably fans of the Miami Hurricanes. Just sayin’.)
  15. You still think terms like “power hour” and “shooters” are terms someone over 25 should use.
  16. Men who wear crocs. Unless you’re a pro-gardener. And even then – yuck.
  17. Muppet Discrimination. Including slander of Muppets or Jim Henson and/or lack of knowledge.
  18. White guys with dreads/cornrows. Who are you? SNOW?
  19. Men with ugly laughs. I can’t.
  20. Men who think Tupac ISN’T alive and coming back. #whatwouldtupacdo
  21. Men who wash plastic cups.
  22. Men who wear shower caps.
  23. Men who wear basketball sandals BUT don’t play basketball.
  24. ANY man who voted for Clay Aiken.
  25. Strike that – any man who watches American Idol, or supports Seacrest.
  26. Men that wear TAP OUT gear and aren’t professional MMA fighter’s.
  27. Men who CALL THEMSELVES MMA fighters and are a white belt.
  28. THEY left THEIR backpacks over THERE, because THEY’RE silly. Get it?
  29. Any man named Trevor. Because fuck Trevor, bro.
  30. Men who wear Hawaiian shirts, even ironically.
  31. Men who use the words swag, yolo, cutie, honey, sweetie, or any variation of “izzle.” (For example, forshizzle.)
  32. Men who don’t watch Game of Thrones.
  33. Men that are afraid of roaches, except the ones they hold in their hand each night.
  34. Men that can’t put basic furniture together. Maybe you’re the basic bitch?
  35. Men with feet that look like they belong in The Shire. They’re hairy. And gross.
  36. Men who do drugs recreationally. Seriously, commit…or don’t. No one wants a “recreational” relationship.
  37. Men who can’t see over their stomachs. But comment on women’s bodies.
  38. Men who have 70’s inspired hair…above AND below deck. I’ll let you think about that one.
  39. Men who go to yoga. Namaste away from me, dudeski.
  40. Men who fear funny women, because they are insecure…and stupid poop-heads.

*Let’s be serious, those men may have an easier time getting me to be lenient on the “oh-no-no” list.

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Why You Should Send Your “Standards” On Vacation

22 Jan

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A while ago, my standards bought a sweet Groupon deal for several days in Playa Del Carmen. Unfortunately, it seems as though the longer my standards are “temporarily” on hiatus, it becomes tougher to reverse the consequences of their absence.

I’m not sure if I can blame my environment, my age, being single for three years, or the fact that it’s a rarity for me to meet someone I can connect with on any level (forget every level, I’d settle for one level).

I’m always quick to say that women are a more forgiving people than men (I know men, I can hear the groans and moans from here!). Hear me out. It’s not always the case, but more often than not it’s my friends (both single and in relationships) who are female that make excusations (my definition and coined phrase for excuses and accommodations) for their men-folk.

Take a second to think about this:

  1. How many of your male friends are super-fit and are dating less-than-fit women?
  2. How many of your male friends with a graduate degree date women with a high-school education?
  3. How many of your male friends can say, “Of course attraction is key and sure I’m attracted to her, but it’s really because she’s a good human and a human I want to hang around that makes me interested.”

Now, to be fair…how many of your lady friends say this:

  1. I wish he was a little bit taller…
  2. I wish he was a baller…
  3. I wish he had a girl who looked good, he should call …her.… ok, this one doesn’t work here…
  4. “OK, he’s like a super cool guy, but he’s a freakin’ …
    1. Para-legal
    2. Rap artist…and he’s white and Jewish!
    3. Aspiring dish washer
    4. Student at 35

 Girls are dicks too.  

 I’m not saying that one is worse than the other, necessarily;

 I’m just saying I hear more of my girlfriends saying things like:

“You know, I don’t love that he likes to call his mom directly after sex, but he’s such a good guy…and he makes me laugh so much…I’ve just taken to pretending I don’t hear it.”

“I know he just quit his high-paying job to become a comedian, despite not ever writing one word or ever being on stage, but he’s so funny in real life I think he has a real shot! Plus, I have a Master’s degree, so we know I’ll always have a job!”

“He’s bald. Like baby’s butt bald. I know usually I love a lofty head of hair, but I can deal with it. It’s kind of cute when the sun hits it just right.”

“Alright, I know… he has a bit of a “gut” and a “gambling” problem, but those we can adjust. Plus his family is so great and that’s such a rare find.”

While my guy friends say things like:

“Her boobs tilt at a 30 degree angle, which is creepy…right? Sure, she has an MBA and she’s running a Fortune 500 company but you know Bobby can’t get with no weird boobies!”

“I spend 7 days in the gym. She weighs like, 145lbs which is two times what she should weigh…unless it’s in her bra. BOOM!”

“I can’t date her because she’s funnier than I am, which calls attention to my insecurities as a man, since that is legit all I bring to the table.”

“All she does is run the Marketing Department for a huge Airline company. How hard is that? I mean honestly, work harder!”

These are all real things that either my friends or myself have experienced:

Your toes may be messed up or be so furry it looks like you belong on “The Shire.” You may have no hair anywhere else except on the back of your shoulders (that’s right, not even your back). You could have a stupid tattoo on your chest that doesn’t make sense. You may have a belly button ring from a stupid frat dare in 2002. You may have quit your job because you want to chase your dream. You may have one crooked finger that for some reason is always pointing left. You may have a huge, hooknose. You may have horrible parents who seem to want no woman to love you, ever. You may have a bi-polar sister you want to move in with us.  You may have no aspirations, no dreams, no goals, but you’re hilarious. You may laugh like a dolphin, slapping your knee when something is super funny.

Real life. I’m not a solid fiction writer, I assure you.

Either way, it comes back to something I talk about a lot (ok, a ton). The idea of perceived perfection, and why I think that notion is at the root of why there are so many single folk. For a while, people were saying the same things to me. “Your standards are way too high. You require too much from a person.”

At first I fought them. Told them they were ridiculous. Absurd! Then over the past three years of single-hood, I started to take a good look at everything. Taking a good look at your needs and wants and scrutinizing your own behavior can oftentimes be synonymous with each other.

I started to chip away at my “standards” and figure out what was negotiable v. non-negotiable.  I’m going to share my actual list of things with you, then show you how they’ve whittled themselves down to a solid (and rational) list, for better or for worse.

Six Months After Being Single:

Non-Negotiable

  1. Must not be a gambler
  2. Must not laugh like a dolphin
  3. Must not have a stupid name
  4. Must have an education (graduate would be nice!)
  5. Must have hair in all the right places (the head, you perverts!)
  6. Must not have hair in odd places
  7. Must be a good human
  8. Must think I’m funny
  9. Must want to be physically active on some level. Any level.
  10. Must be Jewish
  11. Must love his family, but they cannot run his life nor dictate his decisions.
  12. Must not be religious
  13. Must like comedy of all kinds and appreciate humor.
  14. Must have a dream
  15. Must love Disney
  16. Must know who Drake is      

Negotiable

  1. You live in a close proximity to me

After about a year and a half of being single and only dating people from the non-negotiable list of the naïve six-month single lady, my tune (and list) changed:

A Year and A Half After Being Single:

Non-Negotiable

  1. Must not be a gambler
  2. Must be tall (I like what I like!)
  3. Must have an education (graduate would be nice!)
  4. Must be a good human
  5. Must think I’m funny
  6. Must want to be physically active on some level. Any level.
  7. Must love his family, but they cannot run his life nor dictate his decisions.
  8. Must like comedy of all kinds and appreciate humor.
  9. Must have a dream
  10. Must know who Drake is

 Negotiable

  1. You live in a close proximity to me
  2. Must not laugh like a dolphin
  3. Must not have a stupid name
  4. Must be Jewish
  5. Must not be religious
  6. Must not have hair in odd places
  7. Must have hair in all the right places (the head, you perverts!)

It’s starting to look a little more even, no? As time progresses you still think you’re being reasonable. That your standards aren’t too high, because after all, you’ve been raised to believe you should have high standards (albeit ridiculous ones sometimes).  Also, hey, you’re the total package….right?

A little over two years into being single and meeting absolutely everyone who meets your list on paper, yet not in person, you start to dig a little deeper.

Sometimes it goes to a good place of self-discovery, where you figure out some deep shit about yourself that prevents you from being able to meet “the person,” should they even exist. You’d never know if they were staring you in the face because you’re so pre-occupied with a fakakta checklist you forget to enjoy everything else. Sometimes it goes to a bad place of self-loathing, or you-on-you bashing. You turn the fact you haven’t been able to meet someone inwards. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What did I not do enough of? Maybe my degrees aren’t from a prestigious enough place. Maybe my job isn’t impressive enough. Maybe my boobs are skewed at a 30 degree angle and JUST MAYBE THAT IS HORRIFYINGLY CREEPY.

Right before the three year mark, hundreds of failed dates and obscene pictures of dudes junk on my phone, tons of disgusting messages from men on Tinder who can’t wait to say things to a perfect stranger like, “Oh, the things I’d eat out of your ass,” coupled with several failed relationships and general disgust for dating… I started to realize a couple of things.

First I had to reaffirm what I already know is true. To someone, I am the total package But I am in no way perfect (unless you ask my dog. He can’t lie.).  My flaws are real, but there are things about me that should surpass those perceived flaws.

That reaffirmation lead me to throw away my ridiculous silly standard list and rethink things totally.

There were things about the people I’ve dated I could not change, no matter what.  The important stuff like wanting a family, wanting to be a part of my family, my life, being a good human, etc.  Then, there were plenty of things I could have changed about those same people that still wouldn’t have changed the non-negotiable things.

Following?

It’s the things about a person you can’t change that matter the most. Are they kind? Is their heart warm and is there an open spot for a significant other? Are they loving? Are they a good human, overall? Do they appreciate a sense of humor and value knowing that at the end of the day… looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the power of attraction, wit and conversation linger on forever.

My old standards wrote me from Playa Del Carmen, noting they won’t be returning. They don’t feel valued anymore and are seeking some new naïve brain to roll-around in.

After Three Years of Being Single:

Non-Negotiable

  1. Be a good human being
  2. Have a sense of humor (or an appreciation for it)
  3. Have a dream
  4. Have room for me in your heart/life
  5. Obviously, still knowing who Drake is. Seriously.

Negotiable

Literally everything else.

 

See ya later, silly standards!

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Why The Movie Tommy Boy Is A Metaphor For My Dating Life

20 May

TommyBoy_138Pyxurz

While I do take a lot (and I do mean a lot) of my wisdom, advice, and general life knowledge from movies, my dating life is quickly turning into that scene from Tommy Boy when Chris Farley explains why he sucks at being a salesman…which makes me “want to drive off a cliff!” I work in advertising, so I’m used to selling things, but when it comes to selling the “Allyson experience,” let me tell you why I suck as a salesman…woman…sales woman.

1. Captain Weird Beard – Overall, the issue is that I don’t know how to date anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a normal date (and in a normal relationship) that when I’m alone with a guy, I act like “JoJo the Indian circus boy!” Overall, I’m excited, but I’m not normal Allyson. I morph into a weirdly quiet, monotonous, robotic version of Allyson that can only say, “that’s cool,” or “how awesome.” No matter how I try to force normal Allyson out, my quiet excitement confuses my date who thought they were meeting with someone who wasn’t required to wear a helmet while eating soup. Combine that with the weird half-smile I start doing out of nowhere and my poor date is left wondering whether that face I’m making is because I’m into him…or I just have gas.

2. Be More Like This, Less Like That – Everyone that’s been in a relationship for a week or less has an opinion on what you should do and what you’re doing wrong.  Each one’s method is THE method that got them their one true love (I just threw up in my mouth).

Opinion 1:  “Don’t sleep with them right away.”

Opinion 2:  “Sleep with them right away, who cares.”

Opinion 3: “Make sure you act interested in what he has to say.”

Opinion 4: “Ignore him. Men love that. Make him think you absolutely hate him and would rather hang out in a cave full of rabid bats before you’d go home with him….ever.”

3. Rocky Road v. Vanilla, AKA The Weirder the Better–  Part of the problem is that my give a damn is totally busted. I’ve been doing this dating thing too long with too little of a ROI ( return on investment). Whatever I do, no matter how I change it up it doesn’t make a difference. If I act coy? No good. Act myself? No good. If I try to find a compromising middle ground…it’s just…not good.

I feel like if we’re going to work out, I should be able to completely and totally act like myself. I completely hope/expect/demand you do the same. Oh, you’re weird? Cool. BE WEIRD. I prefer rocky road to vanilla any day of the week. If it’s too much for you to handle, cool. It’s been real…awkward…probably, and I’ll see ya never.

Be uniquely, un-apologetically you. I freakin’ love that.

4. And You Know What Else? I Never Learned How to Read…Signs! – When I was younger, I could figure out if you liked me in 30 seconds. The men, well…boys…were a lot more straightforward, and we cut out a lot of the awkward back and forth and got straight to the dating and happiness and what not. NOW? Sweet lord, I just don’t know. When I think someone is clearly into me, I’m wrong. When I think they can’t wait to run away, screaming…they’re into me. What…is happening…here.

Oh, I’m sorry that I misunderstood that every time you passed me in the hallway and averted your eyes you were waiting for ME to take charge. Sometimes I miss big cues though. Sometimes it’s so obvious it feels like it CAN’T be that obvious. Then of course, there is the awkward middle ground. Clearly, if you’re asking me inside, but then running away from me when I nervously chuckle…I don’t know. I just don’t know. Is that you are into it, but because I wasn’t immediately into it you retract your previous interest? Or do you like me because I wasn’t nice to you and I didn’t show any interest in you? AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? WHEN WILL THINGS MEAN WHAT THEY MEAN AGAIN? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

5. Game of Thrones Meets the Bachelorette – I’m not a good game player. At all. I’m pretty straightforward about what I want,until recently when I figured out that the bigger problem is that I legit have no idea what I want anymore.  Is it so hard to ask for a good human being, who loves dogs and watching Saturday morning cartoons? Who also has his life together and make me laugh so hard I pee a little?

Ok, maybe that’s a lot, but things change when you get older. Being so picky changes.

Like when I was 18, if someone I was dating had some sort of addiction I’d be like, that is…so cool. You have a debilitating meth addiction? SO COOL when I had nothing to steal. But now I’m older and my stuff is way nicer so it’s like…HA…no…you can’t…come over.

At this point though I’m like …you have an STD? Well…is it curable?  “OH, you’re in a terrorist training program trying to weaponize plantains? Cool…I love a man who has hobbies.”

It’s affected how I fantasize and what I fantasize about. My fantasies as I get older have gotten SUPER DULL.  Most women are busy fantasizing about 50 shades of gray; I fantasize about a phone call the next day.

Finding someone has become so difficult I’m like, oh you’re an amputee? That’s fine. I’m not really a leg woman anyway.

Overall, I don’t think I have what it takes to conquer Kings Landing or sit on the throne of the seven kingdoms. I don’t. I just want one kingdom to rein. I swear. That’s it.

6.  (And Finally) I’m A Shitty Saleswoman – I just say what I want to say. It’s almost like a deranged test of, “Can you handle this?” If I give you just the tip and you’re overwhelmed, I’d hate to see what happens when I’m fully myself. I’m a handful. I get it. I appreciate it. Hopefully one day, someone else will too.

I try to sell myself according to my target market, exactly as I’d do in real life. You like sports? I love college football and I used to be an athlete. Love cultured events? Artistry? I can rattle off some artists and get into it. I love cars and things that go fast…I think that’s a HUGE USP (unique selling point). Eat healthy and cook a lot? Me too. Want to pig out? ME TOO. ALL THE TIME. Like beer? Me too! Hate beer and don’t drink at all because it makes you take your clothes off? ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO….

Reading signals has become harder than advanced chemistry, a group of elderly who accidentally pop the wrong white pill, trying to swim through a bowl of Jello (although that does sound awesome) and trying to figure out why they keep trying to breathe life into Greys Anatomy. Seriously. I don’t get it.

tommy-boy-1

In the meantime, I’m going back to basics. Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe but I don’t know yet myself because I am….

A. Possibly going to be celibate forever.

B. Bad at making decisions.

C. Terrified of you.

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Top 10 Things Keeping You Single (And Stupid)

21 May

 

I thought I’d drop some knowledge on things that are pretty much guaranteed to keep you single…forever. It’s not rocket science, it’s just the science of chemistry (see what I did there?) and being comfortable with who you are. That being said, here are the top 10 things keeping YOU single.

 

1.  Persistent on finding perfection

Newsflash kids, no one is perfect, despite what Disney® and flicks involving Katherine Heigl would like to have you believe. Here’s the key to finding happiness: figure out the components of a relationship that matter most to you. If finding a guy with a huge…salary is really important, maybe examine why that is and how that could be holding you back.  Men, if you’re looking for a woman who has a huge set…of standards, maybe you should re-examine if the standards are “real” or if they’re just high maintenance. The fact is, everyone is looking for their Adriana Lima orChris Evans. It’s not about finding perfection, because as it turns out…no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on someone who is perfect, restructure your priorities to find someone who is perfect for you. OR, get used to the idea of living with a lot of cats named “Nipsy” and dying alone. Either way.

2.  Relax and stop over planning

You’ve met someone new. Yay! You’re one step closer to not becoming the aforementioned cat person. With a new experience comes extensive excitement. Try to refrain from getting overly excited and making plans for the future. I’m not talking wedding, honeymoon, or baby plans (although don’t do that either…seriously), but plans for your birthday three months from now or even your cousin’s briss in two weeks. Calm down. Let things happen slowly and naturally because the reality is you can’t plan for anything. The second you start planning ANYTHING, if you listen closely, you can hear the Universe laughing it’s ass off and quietly whispering… “Game on, mofo.”

3. Alcohol + Communication= Recipe for FAIL

We’re adults here, right? Most of us enjoy a drink or twelve every now and then. Similarly, we live on our phones and find texting or Facebook the most pertinent form of communication. Although reading things like Texts From Last Night orDamn You Auto Correct seems really hilarious, it’s not as funny when you’re on the inside. In addition (and more importantly), it can scare the crap out of someone you’re barely speaking to when they receive a drunk text professing your interest in them when they barely know you. It makes you look short-bus special, immature, and like you can’t control your alcohol or emotions. “No…but like….seriously…you’re the prettiest girl at work, I swear. I SWEAR. I’d…lick your face if I was your dog.” Not cool. Stop it, or get used to repeating this phrase in multiple languages: “Table for one, please?”

 

4. Stop making excuses

Do I really have to talk about “bitch-assness” again? Stop being whiny, sad individuals. Reality is, if they want to see you, talk to you, hang with you or be your significant other…chaaaances are…they’re going to make it happen. Your friends are tired of hearing you whine about why the barista from the coffee shop isn’t into you. “But he gave me signs! He gave me EXTRA FOAM, I TELL YOU!” In addition, if someone is flirting with others in front of you, making out with other people, or treating you like you’re just another one of the guys/gals…holy cow, get the hint people. Read this sentence carefully and preferably out loud: HOLDING ON TO THOSE FROM THE PAST, OR IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD TOWARDS SOMETHING REAL.

5.  Make some single friends

We’re at that magical time in life where the majority of our friends have significant others. While that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s necessary to keep a core group of single friends who are still willing to go out. I don’t mean “go out and look for tail,” so much as I mean just…go out. FACT: when people start a relationship, they want to spend all their time together. They want to learn each other in more ways than one, and friendship can often take a backseat. You have to continue to love those friends and be happy for them, but start to find out what’s going on with other friends who are still available and ready to join things, go to events, or even just spend a night out eating dinner/having drinks and talking about the single circuit.  Also, it’s totally ok to get annoyed that your relationship friends answer the phone every single time their significant other calls (which is every five minutes), just swallow the bits of sadness and think about dusting off that old friendship “black-book.”

6.  Chiggity-check your standards

Having incredibly unreasonable “Disney®-esque” standards, or Victoria Secret model standards aren’t exactly fair…but having NO standards is pretty unacceptable as well. Sweet lord, how many times can I repeat this? How about I continue to repeat it as many times as it takes for people to get a clue or two? Nobody (and I repeat NOBODY) likes someone who will just “take anyone.” I was talking to a guy friend once and things got flirty. I said, “Well, I don’t think I’m your type.” He responded, “Sure you are. I like anything.” Not even anyone…anything. All desire for him? Dead. Done. Be realistic. If you’re a partial lagoon creature, stop judging people based on THEIR looks. If you’re a little bit hefty, stop commenting that the person of interest isn’t “fit enough.” Fitness, looks, beauty, and sweet abs FADE. After all that stuff is gone, what do you geniuses think you’ll be stuck with? Essentially…a really nice piece of art. Something really great to look at, but you can’t really talk to it…or have it comfort you in the way you’d like. Sure, it doesn’t make jobs and the paint is kind of fading, but at one time…man that thing was a hot piece of…art. Reality can be an eye-opener. Know your worth and don’t settle for less…but if you hang on a high horse, it could be the only steed you’re able to ride.

7. Input overload

Friends and family can be great, but ultimately there’s only one thing you should listen to…your gut instinct. This is a little two-fold. On one hand, people care about you and want to give you their perspective. When you’re in a new relationship or experience, it’s easy to “put the blinders on” and roll with it. “Well, she was married before…but he just couldn’t accept she is a highly sexual person.” That’s what she tells you, and what your friends and family hear is…she’s a filthy, filthy whore who probably cheated.

In scenarios like that, taking advice/perspective/insight/input is a good thing. Now, on the OTHER hand…misery loves company. If your single friends hear you say, “Well, he is really working on it. He doesn’t want to lose me, he’s just been hurt before,” regardless of whether that’s true or not…they want his head on a stake. Not necessarily because your guy isn’t a GOOD guy, but because he has now separated you from the pack…and they’re pissed.  They are now a lone wolf. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy; it’s that they don’t want you to be happy if they’re not happy too. Ahh…friendship. In the end, decide whom you can trust and rely on to provide you with non-biased, objective feedback when you require it. Be selective with the information you process, so that your brain isn’t trying to take fifteen people’s opinions into consideration, thus putting you one step closer to spooning something else besides your body pillow at night.

8. Leave some mystery

If you tell the person you’re talking to everything there is to know about you within the first few times of meeting, what’s left? Try to staple that huge suck hole on your face from ruining your chances right off the bat. Your new prospect doesn’t want to hear about the time you went to the bathroom on the floor of your ex’s apartment because you were so drunk you thought it was the toilet. They don’t want to hear about the time, you walked in on grandma showering and that’s how you identified she had melanoma and saved Thanksgiving of 1997.  I know you’re excited by the “newness” of the person, but c’mon…c’mon…pull it back a little. Discuss the little things. Little things can plant the seed that grows into talking about more serious things, silly things, etc. As much as you want to say, “I’m an upfront person. I like to lay it out there!” Sometimes it’s too much, too soon. You shouldn’t NOT be yourself, but should ease the other person into you slowly. It’s their first time with you, so be gentle.

9.  Snappin’ ass bitches, sleep with sad wishes

Snap judgments are the quickest way to both end something that could be potentially awesome, and make people think you are a crazy person. People come from all sorts of experiences, some good and of course some bad. Try not to drag your previous experiences into the mix. It makes for a bitter batter and the relationships tend not to rise to their full potential when that happens (how are these baking puns doing?). Remember that your NEW prospect isn’t any of your ex’s. Yes, it’s great to heed warning signs…but don’t live in your head. Read this line, over and over out loud preferably (we’ve done this exercise before!): IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO ACCEPT THE POTENTIAL OF GETTING HURT AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT READY FOR SOMETHING NEW.

Listen. Learn. Live. Love. AND let things go.

10. Stop seeing being single as a “problem”

People who feel like being single is the equivalent of leprosy make me want to vomit. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing we complain about more than anything is being alone? Then we’re finally NOT alone and suddenly just want freedom. FACT: YOU MUST BE OK WITH BEING BY YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY BE WITH ANOTHER.  So many good things are associated with being single. Need a few? How about not answering to anyone? Go out as late as you want, do what you want, don’t have to deal with someone else’s family (who are probably bananas anyway, and like to fart in public places), you get the WHOLE bed to yourself…and the best? Married people want to BE US. It’s not a bad thing. Be happy being you and the rest will come.

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Sugar Daddy’s, Boy Toys, or Something In-Between?

21 May

“Knock, knock…it’s love. Are you ready?”

Everyone has their type, right? If you have to label it, it’s who you’re attracted to instantly without even thinking about it.  I like to claim I’m super predictable with my choices in men; someone who’s over 6’0” tall, dark hair, dark eyes…what my friends and I refer to as, “tall, dark and sturdy!”

Although I claim that I like those men, I usually wind up only dating men who carry a couple of those characteristics. Tall? Definitely. Dark? Not always. Sturdy? None of your business.

The only other major consistency is that they’re always older than I am. In high school, college and even now, I’ve stuck to dating older dudes. Recently, there’s been an influx of “chance meetings” with some really incredibly genuine younger guys, which has me wondering if maybe it’s time to a leap out of my comfort zone.

Ol’ G’s V. Young Gents

Sure it’s all about preference, but let’s peep some REAL pros and cons of dating Ol’ G’s!

Pros:

1. Let’s keep it real: Homeboy knows what to do in the bedroom. They’ve had experience; they know what works and what doesn’t and can typically afford to take a moment to listen to what the lady wants.  Taking their time and ensuring that we reach our “final destination” is something they take a lot of pride in. Also, (unlike the Young Gents) they’re less shocked someone wants to sleep with them and therefore are in less of a hurry to “get to business” on the off-chance the lady changes her mind.

2.  Cultured: Older men are perceived as more worldly, cultured and put together. We assume they are well-traveled, know what’s going on in the world and can show us things we’ve never been exposed to in a whole new way. They like art, they’ll see musicals with you or hit up a concert without feeling like it’s “too cool.”

3.  Accomplished: Here’s where a lot of Ol’ G’s come in first. A woman in college is looking for a guy who at least has a “plan” of where he wants to go and how he wants to get there. A woman post college is looking for a guy with the drive to implement that “plan” and show initiative and maturity. These Ol’ G’s are already older than you, (whatever age that is) which implies there’s a better chance their shit…is together. No one wants to be standing behind someone their entire life pushing them uphill and begging them to do something with themselves.

4. Patience, My Dear Watson: Ol’ G’s have patience, yo! They are more apt to let you be you, because you’re younger than them…and they’re into it. On top of that, they are perceived as mentors almost. Ol’ G’s can be there while you grow and help you through those rough spots, because they’ve been there and been through it and won’t freak out when you freak out. In addition, the notion is that they’ll take care of you, look out for you, and cherish you in a way that most Young Gents won’t (because they still think they can do better…suckers).

Cons:

1. If we’re keeping it real: Sometimes, the motion in the ocean is outdated. There’s nothing fun, there’s really no passion and they just do what they’ve been used to doing the past 1,000 years that’s “gotten them by.” Furthermore, they are a little over impressed with themselves when it comes to the bedroom, but also super insecure. More often than not, you can hear “So…how was it?” “Was it ok?” “And how do I rate, by comparison?” come out of their mouths not ten seconds after you both collapse. Also, be aware…older CAN be sexy, but the same way men get all judgmental about things “not being in place,” newsflash men…it happens to you too.  Even at 30, some men sport the ultra-sexy “frog butt” and matching set of “moobs.”

2. Damaged Goods:  As men get older, they collect experiences the same way women do. The thing is, no matter what people say about men not doing the same thing that women do (going a little bit cray cray), they are liars. If men have gone through a marriage, divorce (or two), cheated, been cheated on, it seriously does wonders to their psyche as well (what a shock, they’re human!). Some will be nice and tell you up front that they have “issues” which is great, because it affords you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether or not to continue on. However, most Ol’ G’s have a knack for letting you get about three to six months in before releasing the full levels of crazy. “Oh, your mom wants to basically be in the room with us while we have at it? Cool!”

3. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: With the Ol’ G’s you have to be careful. Those who were scorned, like above, tend to try to “play the field.” The thing is, most of the ones who want to play the field have been sitting on the bench for a while. Most of the need to be this “pimp persona” comes from them feeling old and the desire to feel young and reckless again. So, although your friends are saying things like “you let him do WHAT with you? Oh…that…is gross.” He thinks he’s David Beckham’s lost twin. If this persists, let that splendid super-genius free and see what kind of “hot tail” he picks up. It’s great for a chuckle or ten.

4.  I see your future…and it looks bleak:  There are two types of Ol’ G’s. One wants to settle down right away and build a family. Maybe six months in, things are THERE. The alternative version is more closely related to #3 above. He doesn’t want to commit, because he feels he doesn’t have to. Or, he’s terrified…like the rest of us. He’ll have you move in, then freak out, then move back in…then show you a ring…then when you break up, he’ll sit in your face and say, “you know…I never really saw us getting married. I think that’s what the problem was.”

 

Young Gents:

Often seen as “not together” or immature, can Young Gents sometimes be the better choice when it comes to dating?

Recently I’ve had the good fortune of meeting two young men who sparked my interest. One in particular, and I’m about to essentially explain why. As a matter of fact, he’s the reason that I thought about writing this. Ordinarily, I’d immediately discredit him because he’s younger…but boy, oh boy, have I been pleasantly surprised.

Let’s get to it!

Pro’s:

1.  Tabula Rosa:  Here’s the best thing I’ve learned about younger guys thus far; they’re not jaded, angry, and cynical or automatically expecting the worst. They’re genuine about their actions, their excitement and passion for life and having a good time with all they do. Most of them have had one, maybe two serious relationships in their entire life, thus making them open to new experiences without having a set “type.”  Plus, on a selfish side…you can teach them/mold them into what you’d like them to be without them catching on until it’s too late ( shhhh…don’t tell them).

2.  Are we still keepin’ it real? How are things with a young guy in the boudoir? Can’t say. Don’t know. But I’d expect that it’s probably not as smooth as with someone older. However, they know all the new moves, and I’m sure they’re excitement to go at it…and at it…and it…is probably an epic pro. Again, they’re probably just happy to be doing it on a consistent basis. BUT can they “man up” and be as aggressive, passionate and eh…fun as someone with a few more years of expertise?

3.  Livin’ in the fast lane: Ol’ G’s can be boring because they’re balls deep in “real life.” What’s great about the Young Gents is that they’re up for anything, anytime, anywhere. You want to go rock climbing at 7pm on a Wednesday? DONE! You want to hang out on the couch or go see a movie and just chill? NOT…A…PROBLEM. They can hang home and play the Wii or go to a bar or 12 and live large for the night (because they still have their parent’s credit cards).

4. They care. For real:  Maybe this is too close to #1, but it’s so true. There’s something about them that’s so purely genuine and real it’s almost alarming. You’re not sure whether they’re being sarcastic, or they’re REALLY that nice. Ol’ G’s who text you “So excited to go out tonight!” are probably mocking you. When a Young Gent says, “Can’t wait! It’s going to be a lot of fun,” they are serious and really mean it.

Cons:

1. Training: Sadly, it’s both a positive and a negative to have the opportunity to help mold and shape a young mind. On the negative end of the spectrum, no one wants to date someone they have to teach how to approach a woman.  When younger, it’s difficult to decide if you’re putting out good vibes or getting them back. Sometimes it’s hard to identify whether a Young Gent is flirting with you, interested and just shy…or perhaps being friendly (on a friend level).  It can be a little hard to tell, and embarrassing and frustrating when you as an older (CLEARLY more mature woman…right?) can’t decipher the vibes yourself.

2. Yup. Still keepin’ it real:  Women that like men…like MEN. When out with a Young Gent this weekend, my friends and I were explaining how sometimes we just want someone to take hold of us, throw us on the bed and make things HAPPEN. OOH-WEE, it just got warm in here! He was floored. He had no idea. And then we sort of patted him on the head and continued on about our evening. Young Gents who can bring their “A” game? Well, they’d be unstoppable.

3.  They’re in the fast lane, we’re on the right shoulder: The reality is, we’re older than them and we don’t party as much or as hard. Sometimes we want to be lame. Actually, more often than not I find I’d prefer to spoon my dog on the couch, curl up with a good movie and bucket-o’-wine and hang. I don’t want to fist pump. I don’t want to put on a tiny dress and speak in abbrev’s all-night. “LOL, I’ll BRB, KK?”

4.  Were those your feelings? My bad:  Sometimes in being young, you become a bit overly sensitive. That’s a fact. Call it naiveté, call it being genuine, whatever.  It’s a toughy because you’re in two separate places in life probably. Whether he’s just coming out of school, fresh-faced and ready to greet the world, or just getting his feet wet in the real world…you’re a seasoned vet, and have to be gentle with how you make your approach. The typical “aggressive nature” of someone going after a Young Gent can be misconstrued and can often send them running the other way (in fear).

Regardless of what route you choose to date, take in to consideration that there is no right or wrong. Connections are hard to fight, so if you find you have a real connection with someone…isn’t it better to go for it and take a chance then to let a silly thing like age get in the way? It’s nearly 2012, take some chances, live out loud, and let love in…whether an Ol’ G or a Young Gent!

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Office Romances: Are You Crazy For Your Co-Worker?

21 May

“Wow Tim, that’s sooo interesting. Now, TAKE ME!”

Office romances are typically a huge no no…right?  But the reality of the situation, is we can’t help who we like or when our hormones decide to be like, “Oh, heeeey. Guess what? Remember that person you thought was really nice for making those copies for you yesterday? Yes, well…now…you want to bang them.”

So, what happens when you find that you have a crush on someone in your office? If you’re anything like me, you like to take a quick peep around the office to see who you’re working with, and if there are any potential suitors.

I’ve started three jobs in the past YEAR and I can tell you I like to pick my victims…um, I mean…identify the aforementioned individuals from the get go.

The original job I left before moving on to these next THREE only had one hot guy in the company and he was married. While that “fact” was unfortunate, it didn’t stop most of the female employees from gawking at him and his butt carved by the Gods. So we would throw pens on the floor, knock things off his desk, or try to walk behind him in the hallways while silently muttering, “Damn boy, where’d you get that booooooty?” Let’s just put it out there. Sexual harassment exists, and it makes total sense. Five days out of seven, 9 hours of out 24, you spend your time on lock-down with these people. Sometimes, things are going to get a little weird.

So I leave there and move onto my next job. Not a ton of people I can get excited about except one tall drink of water who worked in the marketing analytics department.  I’m not sure why my mind automatically goes to “who can I date,” except that for some weird reason I’m always looking at people like, “are you my next victim? Whoops, I mean a person of interest! I swear!” My only defense is that I guess despite being a 27-year-old woman, mentally I’m a 15-year-old boy. Tall drink o’ water quit and I followed a few weeks later.

The next job I took was at a small company. While interviewing I picked out my company crush right away.  I can mention his name, because he’ll never read this. Marco has a huge personality, which I was totally attracted to from the get go. It didn’t hurt he had dark hair, olive skin, big white teeth and amazing blue eyes. Oh, and did I mention he’s hilarious and speaks Italian? Oh…no?

All true.

It is because of him I realized that sometimes, people get objectified at work. It’s probably because we spend a ton of time with these people, so if by some weird chance you learn to really like them, what can you do? I’m not pro or against office romances. I think it’s a matter of what you can handle. Can you handle if it goes wrong, if you see them flirting with others, ignoring you at the office, etc?

Sometimes it definitely doesn’t feel great when the situation is reversed, but I can appreciate it. At the same job I’m talking about where Marco and I worked together, there was another gentleman whom I won’t mention…but will tell you his story.

For whatever reason, he was very touchy feely…would make comments about spending time together and was also the reason that half of my office found my stand-up comedy video and watched it at work. All he did was Google me really, but no one else was taking the time. Sure, I felt mildly uncomfortable but I can appreciate where he was coming from. To be honest, he may not have liked me all that much outside of work, but inside the work place I was one of the only younger available women.

Regardless, all my focus went to spending as much time downstairs near Marco as possible. It wasn’t until I was talking to a coworker who say, “Aye, Conyo, friend…he is estupid. Lie-k way too dumb for jou. He ees very nice, pero…nada up top my friend.” (I loved her and her amazingly thick accent)

That can happen too.

You may not be suited for this work crush, but what can you do? You’re not thinking logically. All you know is you spend a ton of time with them, they’re sexy, and you’d like to take your relationship to the next level…ya know, swipe the desk clean and get down to business “next level.”

I’m currently working in a place riddled with attractive men. While that should seem like a plus, it’s damn near impossible to get work done, BUT does make work more fun. In addition, it doesn’t help that again…I’m a fifteen year old boy.

The first week I started working here, my friend and I were leaving my apartment building. The only other person in the elevator was a guy who was trying really hard not to listen to us, but couldn’t really help but overhear this conversation…

Friend: “So, it’s a good place, huh? Nice place to work? Lots of guys?”

Me: “Oh, hells yes. This one guy is tall….super mysterious…and super tall. I’d climb him like a jungle gym.”

My friend is laughing, and the guys ears have definitely perked up as a smirk crosses his face.

Friend: “DUDE….are you a dude? I swear, sometimes I’m not sure.”

Me: “What? Sexual harassment exists and I totally get it, because he passes my desk and I think…man…if I didn’t like my job so much I’d sexually harass the hell out of this guy!”

Guy in elevator (who is laughing and shaking his head): “Wow. You ladies…wow. Please, stay this awesome always?”

It’s really difficult, because the office is a great place to get to know someone.

  1. You see their style (how they present themselves)
  2. You get to know their demeanor (laid back, aggressive, funny)
  3. You see their work ethic ( are they driven? Do they continue to succeed?)
  4. They have to show up every day. No canceling like what can happen with a “date,” as it’s pretty much mandatory! (Winning!)

There’s also another side to it though, and that’s the difficulty of trying to make anything work with someone…from work.

  1. If it goes wrong, the water cooler is going to be the most awkward place ever
  2. Maybe they are flirty and chat with many women at work (and you can’t get all crazy on people you work with. Not cute in general, but super offensive at work)
  3. You run the risk of gaining a reputation
  4. People may know all your business about “the business” if you’re not careful

The way office romances have been described to me in terms of go for it versus don’t go for it is that unless you’re absolutely sure something can come from it…do not get drunk at company happy hours or holiday parties and make moves on co-workers. Not worth it for a little boom boom pow that you can get anywhere! ( And being Monday’s gossip!)

I’ve been at this job four months, and the more I learn about people the more I eliminate them as an office crush, which sometimes bums me out.  I love intelligent men…borderline nerdy…or weird. The weirder you are, the more likely I’ll basically propose to you right away.  I am glad though that I’ve been able to eliminate them, because again…it makes work easier for me.

General Outline of Guys

1. Power Player:  He’s an executive. Smart. Connected. A little bit adorable.

Reason crush died:  He’s been involved with several other employees, clearly very comfy with that thought. Essentially, it appears he “travels through women,” and I much prefer to find one “place” and “set up shop.”  (How’s that metaphor working for you?)

2. Artistic Tom:  Artist. Music lover. Borderline hipster, but rides the line right where it’s acceptable. Love, love love an artistic man and in this case, Tom can’t be any better. Anyone who is cultured is right up there with those nerdy men. Watch yourselves!

Reason crush died: Owns a cat.

3. Mayo Man:  Half Israeli. Beautiful smile. Friendly. Tall. Dark. Pretty much perfect…

Reason crush died: Oh wait, it hasn’t.  He’s the kind of guy you want to get to know, want to figure out what’s wrong with them…and do some other things that probably aren’t appropriate to talk about. Seems like a genuinely nice guy (stay tuned; will figure out at the Holiday Party in a week!)

4. Funny Pants: Ok, this one I can’t really defend. There is something undeniably mysterious about this dude. It’s hard to tell if it’s arrogance or just mystery. Tall. Nice hair. Gives me a lot of crap…like…a lot…at work. Teases me. Not sure if it’s playful, or just being who he is.

Reason crush died: Again, can’t explain or defend why this hasn’t died. He’s younger and I’m not really interested in pursuing anything, but he makes me nervous. When he’s around I get stupid, and do things like “duck face.” I can’t help it; he just does something to me!

The bottom line is that everyone looks.

If you think your co-workers don’t check you out, size you up, and try to figure out what your potential might be outside work, you’re wrong. So what do you do? Do you go for it, try to push and see what could happen between you two? Or, do you let it be, go about your work and just enjoy the scenery? Either way, remember that we may feel like we’re adults and should be able to do whatever we want…but in reality, an office romance can wind up in gossip, heartache, frustration and if you’re high up enough…a lawsuit! (Fun, fun, for everyone)

Tread lightly when it comes to office romance, and be sure it’s worth it before you swipe the conference table clean and go for it.

For more on office crushes, peep this amazing article that breaks down the Top 8 Types of Office Crushes from [via http://www.Jobacle.com]!

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How To Hit It And Quit It: One Night Stands 101

21 May

 

I never took myself for the kind of person who would enjoy this type of thing. For one thing, I’m a woman, which affords me the amazing opportunity to wildly over invest myself emotionally from the beginning. Another thing, would be that I’m not a huge fan of doing that whole “boom boom pow,” hit it and quit it type of deal. But I understand that many people are a huge fan of what I like to refer to as… the “Drive-Thru” version of a relationship.

You pick out what fast looking joint you want to spend some time inside of, then roll up to their window, make your demands and then pull around. Maybe at most you pay five bucks to pump one lousy drink into them before shouting your “order.” AND…it never looks clean. Seriously. You eat there anyway, because you’re “starving” and “desperate” but it definitely looks like it’s been a long time since someone took
some time to clean this place up.

Regardless, my gentleman friends refer to this as “vagenomics,” and my ladies refer to this as a Friday night.

What is “vagenomics?” It’s the principal that for every “X” amount of women you try your bad lines on, dance next to them when they don’t want it, or do other things that most women in 2011 would deem “whack,” that “y” amount will take your bait and reel you in.

Granted, this “y” amount is a small margin, men do not care. They will try and try until they can prove that “y” is a factor (in their evening).

Need some help identifying if the person you’ve been talking to is ready to head to “the big show?” Here are some good ways to identify the perfect partner for a one night stand.

Prospect: You look over on the dance floor and see a girl who’s dancing sexy with her girls in the middle of the dance floor. Her friends are sort of humoring her, chanting her name, or “get it sexy!” She is whipping around like she’s trying to shake the sadness out of her, and is holding on to her drink in one hand while she knocks back a shot with her friends with one long “woooooooo!”

Probability: If prospect is holding “X” amount of drinks, multiplied by the number of ALL women surrounding her and factoring in her dancing which is divisible by how likely she is to roam free from the group….your chances are pretty good.
1.Women drink for two reasons. Either we’re out celebrating (something as little as a girls night out), or we’re mourning something ( a relationship, friendship, loss of job etc.). Both are extremes, and both really factor in to our decision-making process.
2.If she’s the one in the center being surrounded, that’s your target. She’s out dancing, trying to harness all of the attention which showcases her desire for…MORE attention. And what do you bring as a suitor to this pathetic party? Oh, you guessed it…one night of nothing BUT attention.
3.If she’s pounding a shot and a drink, her friends are trying to liquor her up past reason and she isn’t fighting it…she’s looking to make some bad decisions. You could be that impulse!

Prospect: You’re with your boys, but not really paying attention to anything except the prim and proper hottie in the corner that refuses to make eye contact. At some point, you turn to see a quieter girl hanging in the corner, but she’s admiring you. If you’re not looking for long-term, simply a one night…outta sight….feeeeeeling is sooo right type of deal; you need to keep your eyes peeled. The right signs of body language can let you know whether or not things are going down.

Language to look for:
1. Watching you, but trying to make it look nonchalant

2.Gazing away periodically then giving you those “Do me…right here…” eyes

3.Nonsensical giggling=flirty laughter…if someone is laughing a lot, it’s to show you they are “fun” and “easy going.”

4.Sexy dancing, especially up on their girlfriends. If it’s a guy, look for a lot of “hype” dancing…or…the complete opposite. They may want to come off cool and too refined to dance like Flavor Flav on crack….more crack?

5.Playing with objects that may not have a sexual connotation, but the way they’re playing with it makes you think they’re trying to subliminally tell you something. Women who let their tongue flop onto their straw and take a lonnnnng sip, men who use their fingers to stir their drink than sip it seductively. Kinda gross, no? But it works for some!

Now that you’ve identified your prey, here are a couple of lines that will totally work on whomever you’re after, if they’re looking for a little “Drive-thru lovin’!”

1. I’ve never done this before, but with you…I feel like this is something different.
2. I’ve never done this before, but I’m just going to let it go and have a good time
3. I’ve never done this before, but you’re amazing and I can’t let the night end like
4. I’ve never done this before, but you’re here…and we’re only young once.
5. I’ve never done this before.

How to artfully get out of turning your “Drive-thru relationship” into a full-fledged sit down, five-star, restaurant…and how to do that too, if that’s what you’re into!

It’s not you, it’s just that…

1. You live so far from me, it’s hard to see you as often as I’d like
2. My job is so crazy; I just can’t take on anything else right now.
3. I don’t feel like I can truly offer you what you want right now and what you deserve
4. I’m damaged goods, you don’t want anything to do with me
5. I’ve been hurt so badly before, and I know you have too…let’s not have to worry about hurting each other and just have fun.

NOW….if you’d LIKE to turn your McDonald’s into a Capital Grille situation, here’s how you’d use the same phrases as above to transition into something more substantial.

I’ve been having such a great time with you that…

1. I know we live far apart, but we can share the driving and meet up on the weekends to get to know each other better.
2. Although my job is completely nuts right now, if you can be patient and understanding with me…I’d like to see you again…in the daytime…with your clothes on.
3. I’m not sure I can be what you’re looking for, but I’d like to try.
4. I know we did things backwards by sleeping together so fast, but let’s see if we have chemistry other places…besides the bedroom.
5. I know we’ve both been hurt before, so let’s keep it light and fun until we can evaluate whether it’s worth investing into.

Here’s the rules though…if you decide to just let it be one night, then let it be one night. If you’re going to keep it consistent and keep enjoying each other’s company, make sure you’re both available for the other one. If one wants it, the other should comply if possible. Not fair at ALL to be in a one-sided sexual relationship. “But who would turn down amazing sexy times they claim has been the best they’ve ever had?”
Actually…some do. If you both can’t enjoy it, the “buddy system” fails.

And if by some miracle you two decide to keep the fun going and turn it into a relationship, go for it and truly explore all aspects of the person (clothed, this time!).

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Obama Calls Twenty-Something Singles A “Disgrace to America” and “Lepers!”

21 May

Gotcha!

Alright, so that’s not quite true, but it does get you guys to open this! (Don’t sue me, Obama!) Are you finding that everyone around you is practically married and you’re alone? Are your friends all in committed relationships and you can barely commit to what to make
for dinner tonight? Then my friends, I welcome you to “the club.” Our members are comprised of twenty-something’s who for whatever reason have been unable to find their special someone to share life’s joy and misery with.

Fact: We are alone
Fiction: We are lepers
What’s up with that? Why is it we can’t be single and fabulous, single and awesome, or
single and so amazing it’s frightening and people not look at us with pity and disgust?
Fact of the matter is, just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re sad about it. It’s
less to do with the fact we CAN’T date someone, but rather that we choose not to. The
reality is everyone can date “someone” but maybe we’re single because we don’t just
want to date anyone. While it would appear we are desperate and alone to those “on
the inside (our friends in relationships),” we actually are quite content with hangin’ and
bangin’…chillin’ and killin’….hittin’ it and quittin’ it.

How are these puns doing?

Not to say we wouldn’t date people, but we’re selective.

Alright, so maybe the reality is we don’t meet the right people. We meet people who are afflicted (mainly mentally) in one way or another. Maybe, it has to do with the fact we listen to our married friends complain about their relationships so often that we’re so grateful that we have don’t have to answer to anyone at any time…for any reason.

If your married buddy is telling you his old lady sniffs his pants every time he comes home, wants him to give up poker to stay home and watch the Kardashian Circus on repeat and checks his phone to make sure his ex-girlfriend from 1995 isn’t texting…would you be listening on the other end like, “Man, when is this going to happen for me?”

When I have a girlfriend call me and say, “Listen…if Dan calls you, we were together last night watching Bridesmaids. Don’t tell him Tim came over though, because he hates him and he’ll go ballistic.”

Things change when you’re in a relationship and everything and everyone feels the effects. Your plans change, your hobbies change, your attitude changes.

“We love to rollerblade now. We go all the time to our favorite spot where the sushi is
just the best.”

What? What the hell just happened?

Now you “rollerblade?” I can barely get you take a three-minute walk to Walgreens, but you’ll rollerblade 30 minutes to the beach? And you said “WE” three times in two minutes…and I just threw up in my mouth.

When do your thoughts meld as one?

When do you start liking cats although you’re deathly allergic and are wishing for some virus to freakishly wipe out all domesticated cats.

You start doing things you never envisioned, sacrifice the things you once loved because you’re self-conscious your partner may not like it. Sometimes your plans change. Maybe you don’t move somewhere because you met this incredible person, or you move somewhere for some incredible person. Either way, shit changes.

Beyond that, friendships change. We, the single, have to stand there and smile and act happy. It’s not that we’re not happy for you…it’s that we would like the following things to happen when we’re with you and they’re not.

Do not spend the whole time talking about them. ONE minute for each month you two have been together. That’s enough.
Do not answer the phone when they call and talk baby talk and coo and carry on a twenty-minute convo with them while we’re in the car unless it’s an emergency. We, your friends, only get to see you a limited amount of time so pretend like you’re excited to hear about our cats new outfit, or how we got a new outfit, a new fling, or a new poker tournament going on for singles…only.

Lots of friends have significant others that live out-of-town. The hardest thing is when they come into town, because it’s like we suddenly don’t exist anymore. You know why it’s hard? We get used to not having to share you. Then your significant other comes into town and not only do we take a back seat (which is understandable), but it’s like we’re in a car….four cars back…in the trunk, perhaps. This is more our issue, but it
doesn’t feel good regardless!

When you dress alike, it makes me want to punch small animals. When you groom each other in public, it makes me want to punch babies ( who
are already on my shit list to start with).
Fact: Being in a relationship is awesome
Fiction: Being in a relationship is awesome

It goes both ways! This may sound like a rant from a “hater,” but guess what? It’s not. Each of us is guilty of this when we get into a new relationship and go ga-ga for the new significant other we can’t wait to explore. Everybody else matters less than them, because we KNOW everybody else already.

Why being single is awesome:
1. We do what we want

2. No one to answer to

3. Come home as late as we want and climb in bed with whomever we want

4. Getting drunk and naked, as well as crying publicly are more accepted

5.Life is exciting and unpredictable! You never know who you’ll meet, have a little
spontaneous fun with, etc.

What’s awesome about a relationship?
1. Using a 2 for 1 coupons without feeling weird
2. Operating a paddle boat correctly
3. Riding a two-seated bike
4. Can own walkie-talkies and always have someone to talk to
5. Comfortably ride a see-saw

Fact: As we get older, more and more of our friends are getting married
Fact: There is an ass-load of pressure to catch up to them
Fiction: It makes us less awesome that we’ve not “taken the plunge” down the
marriage or baby slide

Like I said above, there is a bit of pressure, right? And here we single people are, standing in front of our refrigerators before dinner thinking…chicken…or fish? Meat…? Then you realize, “I’m single! I can have it all!”

Lots of our twenty-something’s friends have already found their soul mate…or the person they have chosen to torture and make miserable for a certain amount of years before divorcing and taking half their stuff. What is the rush!? Why are people so ring hungry and baby hungry? Don’t they read statistics? If you rush into something, there’s a distinct possibility that you don’t know who these people are. Also, the more TIME
you take to know someone, the better foundation you build for a lasting, successful relationship (duh?).

On a scary note, look at some of these people who are married 25 years before they get murdered by their spouse! Just sayin’…you never fully know someone, but you have a better chance of knowing someone after multiple years rather than months.

“We met and we just knew. We fell in love six months ago and we’re engaged and if I could marry them tomorrow, well…dang-nabit…I would. They’re amazing, they emanate rainbows and ponies and all things sugary and wonderful!”

OF COURSE THEY DO!

It’s been six months! Wait another few months and they’ll gladly peel back their skull, slowly but surely, to start to reveal themselves. But by the time they start to reveal, you’re balls deep in that relationship and suddenly, single life starts to sound pretty, PRETTY appealing.

To my friends in relationships, don’t kid yourselves…enjoy your honeymoon phase for sure, but sooner or later…you’ll be on the phone with us single folk going, “Oh…you’re going to the movies? That’s cool; John and I haven’t been out in weeks. Well, with his mother in town and the cat having explosive diarrhea, we’re sort of stuck. Plus, he starts to hyperventilate when we leave the cat alone for more than an hour anyway, so a three hour movie is totally out of the question.”

America, listen up. We’re not lepers…we’re alone, but while you “couples” progressively
grow more boring, guess what we’re doing? Growing more awesome day by day!

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How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

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What is Standard Birthday Protocol When it Comes to an Ex?

18 May

 

 

I’m back! And need some advice from you, the readers!

So my birthday was last Thursday, and I’m the kind of person who takes it pretty seriously. Like…if you’ve upset me during the year, if we argue, if you drop kick my mythical baby ( I have no real ones), this is the time to get at me for guaranteed forgiveness…the MULLIGAN shot, if you will. Sometimes I get my hopes a bit high on whom I’m going to hear from, who will pop out of nowhere to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m pretty much always disappointed. This year was different. Not only did I not anticipate a “lot of response” from people I’d previously been involved with (on any level), but I was looking forward to steering clear of it as much as possible…or so I thought.

Something happens around my birthday, and it’s like these people just come out of the woodwork. This year, I mistakenly thought I saw my ex’s car near my house and texted him because I figured that was an okay, adult thing to do. We talked briefly, he seemed cool about chatting with me and invited me to do lunch the next week. This seemed like an ok idea, and I accepted. ONLY, per USUAL…his follow through was non-existent. Matter of fact, he sent me a silly ass video a week after we were supposed to go on this “lunch” with no message. I tried to make some small talk, but it was clearly not being well received (on either end).  My friends and family tell me he’s not going to contact me for my birthday and I say, “No way. He knows when my birthday is…He’ll say SOMETHING.”

Well…the day comes, and wouldn’t you know it? Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No Facebook post, text, call, smoke signal? People say he’s angry because I didn’t “pursue” getting lunch with him, or because my life is going well right now and this for some reason bothers him. Regardless, it’s further proof he’s pretty much the same person he was two years ago…maybe WORSE. Silly me for believing he had the ability to change, or that he’d follow through.

The fact is I’m angry, but see it as “it is what it is,” and his behavior very par for the course. Part of me wants to thank him, once again, for reminding me why we’re not together, while the other part of me wants some kind of venting ability like…de-friending him. Then I thought…I want to know what the protocol is for de-friending someone on Facebook? If they don’t remember your birthday after two years of knowing them, can you de-friend? All of my friends I’ve known for more than a year, and some I’ve known for less than two months managed to sneak in a Happy Birthday. Clearly, you’re no friend of mine… Ok well, what if we dated for two years, lived together and yet you still can’t manage a Happy Birthday, most likely because you know I’d like that. I think the answer is CRYSTAL clear, no?

That brings up another one….there is a guy….a really great guy (now). I’ve known him for years and years, we’ve gone through a tremendous amount. Sometimes we like each other, sometimes he hates me….and we make some bad decisions. Recently, we almost FINALLY dated for real real. We’ve had some issues getting things together over the years, but things seemed perfect now. He’s the only guy I’ve ever spared from talking about via media…but he’s very upset with me I suppose…and we haven’t talked in a couple of months. I know he’s online all the time…and he clearly chose to not wish me a Happy Birthday either. Can I be upset with him, if it’s me who has been pushing him away and he’s just fed up? Can I call it immature if I know what’s keeping us apart and that I guess…it hurts his feelings? I wish he understood how much I DO care for him and want to be with him…but when he ignored my birthday I thought…ok, I get it…I get it. Do I slink back into hiding and de-friend, because maybe it would make him happier if I’m not around? And make it easier for me if I don’t wonder if he’s just ignoring me?

Forget about my ex who just returned from Japan for a year…who couldn’t remember my birthday when we were together for four years, and despite being friendly and chatting now he STILL didn’t say anything to me ( although his entire family did, including his brother currently stationed in Iraq!). I’ll never de-friend, as he and I have too much history…and he is who he is!  ( At least him being forgetful has remained consistent!)

The LAST ONE…did wish me a Happy Birthday….twice. He’s a special case, and I was recently involved with him. As a matter of fact, he’s been the inspiration for MANY of these posts over the past month ( he seriously has no idea I think). His lack of follow through during our relationship, coupled with him using me, withholding things and then pretending he’s a “good guy,” really has me miffed. I’ve tried subtly to drop hints that I don’t favor him….matter of fact, I loathe him because of what he did. He seriously…does…not…get it.  He’s unapologetic and I seriously wonder how he wakes up and looks in the mirror everyday and then decides who he is going to be. God knows how many others he was doing the boom boom pow with…pretending to care about…and I can’t even think about the rest. Part of me wants to de-friend, because I don’t need to keep someone like that in my life.  He thinks we’ve “made up.” We have not made up. Essentially, I believe nothing he says and will never…ever…forgive him. And why should I? He’s given me every reason to distrust him in a short amount of time.

The POINT… I swear it’s in here, is that I don’t always know when enough is enough. While they’re all different situations, they’re all particularly difficult for me. I’d really love some input on what the best choice is for the individual situations. They say to “take the trash out” in your life, and never look back…but when is the right time to do that? And is it more immature of me to fault them for not communicating (or communicating without dealing with the issues at hand), and then cut it off completely?

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