About a year or so ago, my (ex) boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move from my…well…his apartment. From there, the changes kept on coming! I had to momentarily leave my dog behind, since he’s not allowed in my roommate’s house, and oh yeah! By roommate….I mean my mother.
It should be relatively easy to understand why it would have taken me a little bit of time to get over the breakup. At the very least, more than a week. My friends are wonderful but do not listen, and insisted that I trudge forward.
One night about a week after everything came to a halt, (let’s call her) Gina decides that I should meet her friend and I immediately refuse. Not only am I far from ready, but I haven’t even SPOKEN to this “friend.” She tells me it’s too bad, he has seen my picture, has my number and is going to use it.
Great. I figure, fine…what’s the worst that can happen? Wrong question to ask, every time!
A number I don’t know…what’s his name? Adam? Matt? Whatever, something generic.
“Hey you,” I hear on the other end of the line.
Can we take a moment and address this? You don’t know me, you’ve never met me nor spoken with me before…so…who exactly are you addressing ME as “you?” While it’s meant to be endearing I guess, it’s absurd and rubs me the wrong way. It’s not like we’ve met, or been friends for ten years, etc. Just keep it short guys… “hey” or a nice throaty “hello” will do juuuuuust fine.
I’m already not amused, not wanting to have this conversation and am waiting to be wowed, or repulsed. Judging from the post I’m writing, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed…
Mr. Whomever: “I’m (can’t remember), Gina’s friend. And you’re Allyson?”
You just dialed my number, didn’t you!?
Me: “Yep,“ I replied, short and to the point.
Mr. Whomever: “Gina said you’re into Adult Swim…that’s really hot. I bet you’re really kinky, huh?”
Two things wrong with this statement.
Epic Fail #1: Adult Swim is Cartoon Networks late night channel, featuring nothing sexual unless you’re into that anime cartoon weirdo bullshit.
Epic Fail #2: WHAT would possess you to ask someone you just started talking to 30 seconds ago if they’re kinky or not?
Me: “I love Adult Swim, but I don’t think you understand that it’s Car-“(the last piece of toons escapes under my breath as he cuts me off…)
Mr. Whomever: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”
Me: “Well…I don’t know, I guess drive from Tallahassee down here at 3am alone. I just woke up one morning and decided I wanted to come home, so I did.”
Mr. Whomever: “That’s it?” he replied.
Me: “Yep, that’s about it.”
He is waiting for me to pony up information, to confide in him, show him I’m interested…I’m not interested.
Mr. Whomever: “My girlfriend and I one time got a couples massage, and we were so turned on when we left we had to pull over and have sex in the bushes off the highway. I guess that’s my most spontaneous act…”
I didn’t even ask.
Mr. Whomever: “OOH! OOH! Actually, we stopped one time at a swingers club. We didn’t participate…but we did watch. Are you into that at all?”
Me: “Not at all, sorry. What are your top three movies? If you had to choose?”
I was searching for an inkling of normalcy.
Mr. Whomever: “My Cousin Vinny, 300 and Goodfellas. Do you like hairy men?”
Me: “Interesting choices…I’m not into gorillas, if that’s what you’re asking.”
At this point, I was ready to have some fun. I had tried to get off the phone twice and short of hanging up on the dude, I figured…great…free…material. It’s now been silent for about a minute before I start to say…
Me: “Ok, well I have to be going now…I’ve got to be at work at 6:30, so early wakeup call!” I figured, an exit line no one can refuse! Hint, hint, hint, HINT!
Mr. Whomever: “So you’re all dressed for bed?”
In actuality I was still in my work clothes from the day, but thought…let’s do this.
Mr. Whomever: “What are you wearing? I bet you like to sleep in those little nighties”
Me: “Oh for sure! The smaller the better.”
Mr. Whomever: “Anything underneath?”
Me: “Of course not,” I reply, snickering to myself in my brother’s bedroom, anxious to see how far I can push this kid.
A short-breathed sound sort of emerges from his side of the phone like a gasp.
Mr. Whomever: “That’s…so hot. Anything you want to ask me? Anything..? Anything at all, don’t worry.”
I know where he’s going.
Me: “No, not really. Maybe another time..”
Mr. Whomever: “Are you SURE? Nothing? I’m totally open and willing to answer ANYTHING.” Dripping with suggestive tones, what a shock.
Me: “Well, as shy as you’re being, I’m assuming you want me to ask you what you’re working with. Right? That’s what you want?”
Mr. Whomever: “Go ahead, ask me.”
Me: “Alright…what are you working with…that you’re so proud of”
Mr. Whomever: “HARD?” he blurts out. “About 5…5.5”
Mr. Whomever: “Is that bad? Good? Why didn’t you respond?”
Clearly I can’t say, because I’m rolling on the floor in laughter at how absurd you are and that you’re being a thousand percent serious right now?!
So I reply…
::giggle giggle giggle::
When I can collect myself, I politely tell him I really have to be going, and after all of this…he has the audacity to say…
Mr. Whomever: ”So I guess you don’t want to come cuddle?”
ARE YOU SERIOUS???
First, you don’t know me! What if I’m a crazy, soul stealing woman? Secondly, what if I’m diseased? Desperate? Clingy? You don’t know me dude…take some time. Third and finally, if you can listen to all that and take yourself seriously, all the while believing that I’m interested….big yikes buddy…big yikes. Sad state of affairs to see who’s out there, and if you didn’t miss someone a lot prior to that, you do afterwards, tell you that. Thank you to all my friends for wanting me to “get out there,” but uh…do me a solid? NO MORE fix ups!