An Open Letter To Rick Ross: PUT A SHIRT ON!

17 May



Dear William Leonard Roberts II (AKA: Rick Ross),

We the people of the World thought it was time for us to sit down together, as one, and intervene on a very serious situation that seems to be getting worse rather than better. Mr. Ross, we’re all here today because we’re either a fan of your music, your pubic hair-esque beard, the awful guttural sound you make when you “rap” (UH!) or we’re a fan of North American Grizzly Bears and clicked this page by accident ( I’m sure you can understand how we could make that mistake).

Mr. Rickity Rickity Ross, first question is first. Are you in fact a North American Grizzly Bear? If so, we’re cool with it, we just want to know what we’re working with. Like the North American Grizzly Bear, you’re a coastal animal, most likely pushing between 400-790lbs and like expensive watches and cheap bitches.

Wikipedia’s words, not mine.

If you are a North American Grizzly Bear, then…you being topless in your videos makes sense! Hell, it’s your nature. You can’t help it if the mood strikes you and in the moment you think that showing your jiggly, furry, tatted up tum tum is what the ladies like. We feel sorry for you, Mr. Ross, and want to see to it you get the help you need to overcome this stomach turning need to remove your top in your videos.

We, the people of the World, cannot grin and bear it anymore. We cannot sit by, while other awful, fat rappers keep their tummy’s where they belong…concealed. If it were a muffin top, Mr. Ross, we’d be like..alright, we’ll let the stylistic boo boo slide right on by. However, to be fair…your gut is an entire muffin store…maybe a shopping center.

It’s odd, because I was browsing YouTube when I came across your video with DJ Khaled ( who although terrible, at least keeps his ^%#@#$% shirt on!) featuring Drake, Little Wayne, etc called “I’m on one.” I was psyched, Mr. Ross. Totally psyched. Imagine my shock and upset to find you dancing around in an open red shirt like the Kool-Aid man…*&%^& topless!

You being topless in your videos affect us as a people negatively in the following ways:

1. Nausea and general gastric upset

2. You’d think it would detract from your silly ass beard, but you know what? It totally doesn’t!

3. You’d also think it would detract from the fact you’re a total phony, and your music is more offensive than what comes out of my dog’s rear…but it doesn’t.

4. It’s always alarming to be watching a video, and it will just focus on you for a second and there’s your big belly staring at me. Your gross, and we shouldn’t be encouraging that…get it together.

In addition, here is a short list of people we’d PREFER to see topless, over you:

1. Margaret Thatcher

2. Martha Stewart

3. Kevin Smith

4. Snooki

5.  Anyone. Seriously, pretty much anyone else.

Get the help you need today, Mr. Ross. We BEG you! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY…PUT A SHIRT ON!

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