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Change – You’re Awful, I Love You.

19 Nov

Things I hate more than change:

  • Spiders that like to play hide-and-go-seek to crash the car.
  • Banging my ankle on the corner of my bedpost.
  • Being told to “calm down,” or “take it easy,” or worst of all – “just relax.”
  • Raisin cookies because they’re just hanging out with the cookies to be like chocolate and that’s sad. Be your own, gross thing.
  • Microwave terrorists who heat up fish at the workplace.
  • People who downplay change.
  • Dealing with the actual change at hand.
  • Admitting that I hate change.
  • Coming to terms with hating change by watching a 10-hour Netflix binge-a-thon and drinking wine through a venti Starbucks cup.

 

One of those, is a lie.

(And it’s obviously the last one. Who hates that?)

Change…to put it bluntly – sucks.

Sure, it’s all about your “perspective” and how you choose to view change. For me, coping with change, adapting and Sudoku have all been challenging. I’m not what the layman would call, “easygoing when it comes to disruption.”

Change is always jarring even though you don’t just expect it, you outwardly ASK for it. Every day you could ask for the same thing, then when you get it, it’s like – “What? Oh, that? No, I was kidding. I’m not ready. There’s a million reasons why JUST NOT NOW, OKAY?”

When change is on the horizon, here are some “quick tips on how to cope and stop being such a f$%8ing baby, baby.”

Buck the f%^& up, buttercup

Change is typically pretty good, or happening for a reason. I mean, sometimes it’s the complete opposite and pretty horrifying but we’re not really dealing with that type of change right now, so can you just not? Especially if change is good, there seems like there wouldn’t be a lot of room to complain, right? WRONG. I think what “gets us” here is the fear of the unknown. Think of what keeps you at a crappy job, or in a less-than-amazing relationship.

Fear is real, but fear is also a liar. Fear is the guy still wearing socks with TEVAS and a Hawaiian shirt.  You can’t trust that guy. Look at what he’s wearing – he very obviously knows nothing about anything and you can’t trust him. Did he just answer his Nokia flip phone? Fear’s intentions are almost good because it reminds you that at any moment, things can happen. But you have to fight that anxious, negative, “at any moment, things can happen” with the positive side of that. How amazing is it that at any moment, anything can happen? Pretty. Damn. Amazing.

So take a note out of what could possibly be the best insult I’ve ever heard, courtesy of Scandal and don’t let this hit you in your soft spots:

Stop. Evaluate and LISTEN.

When change happens you start to see who is there with you, who is there for you and who never really was. THIS is the hardest part of change for me. To watch people who you believe you have true bonds with turn from best friends, to acquaintances and finally to strangers. It’s like, you think you’re part of this exclusive club, only to find out they let everyone in and the club’s closing next week.

Something happens to people when change is involved. It happens to me all the time. You’re happy for them, but you’re sad for you. It feels so selfish to say that, right?

Sometimes we don’t think about what happens to those who go through change with us. Sure, it’s hard for you to leave a job. But isn’t it hard for those you leave behind who are used to you and your antics? Who lean on you for certain things?

My biggest gripe is when change happens, it’s like people cease to exist. You tell yourself nothing will change, or people say “see you soon.”

Wrong.

It. All. Changes.

Your friendships become strained because you’re all busy. You make up reasons in your head, or you’re so involved in your own emotions that you reason with yourself as to why you don’t see each other anymore.

That’s the true test of your relevancy in each others lives. When you start to realize where your place is in their lives and theirs in yours, it doesn’t feel good. But sometimes, there’s just no place for your relationships once the glue that held you guys together is gone.

You have less in common, you’re stretching and growing and so are they (in their own ways). Change is inevitable, yes. But does it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck, or hurt, or make you feel like singing Billy Joel in your underwear in your living room after drinking a bottle of Malbec.

 

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I prefer my BJ old school.

 

Always dance in your living room in your underwear to Billy Joel after too much wine.

This one explains itself. You know what makes you feel good? Being drunk and pants-less in the comfort and security of your own home. You know where you feel sexier than Jennifer Lawrence and feel like you sing better than Rihanna? In the comfort and security of your own home. You know where you video yourself dancing and singing as the alter-ego of both called “J-Rawr?” In the COMFORT AND SECURITY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

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Be silly. Be weird. Embrace what you’re dealing with.

Change can’t take away your happiness. Most of the time, change actually the good guy. Change is like Channing Tatum in Step Up, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, ok— you get it.  Change is EVERY CHANNING TATUM CHARACTER. Change wants you to see them as smart and sexy and as the right choice, for the right reason. Change wants you to “take it to the streets” and rub your fingers up and down it’s abs, but also respect it’s mind. Embrace it. That is definitely the point I’m trying to make. Definitely.

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Much like my odd Tatum tangent, there’s nothing you can do about it. So you may as well learn how to experience, embrace and even enjoy (if you can) what you’re working through. Find comfort in the things that bring you comfort. When that doesn’t work, remember there is always Billy Joel – and wine.

 

You’re not a tree. So don’t throw shade.

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If you’re like me (a changeaphobe), this actually can be the hardest part. When something crappy happens, like say you leave a troupe you’ve been in for over a year because you feel like, “why do I come here once a week AND pay you and yet you’re the rudest human-being I know?” you want those you know to come with you, or at the very least SEE the same thing you’re seeing. When you cease to be a part of something and your friendships stop, or you’re replaced or however you view it, frustration and upset can build. Suddenly, you have attitude mountain on the corner of “WTF just happened” and “Wait, why does this hurt?”

Just be kind. Be kind to those who love you. Who are there. Who aren’t there. Who don’t get it. Who get it 100%.

Change is a powerful creature that can make you feel abandoned, empowered, amazing, terrible, alone, part-of-something, over-the-moon happy and/or angry.

If there are people who are there for you, lean on them. If leaving your comfort zone is hard, but worth it, lean on that. If you know that Total Wine is having a sale on Friday and you’ve just purchased some fresh undies, you’ll always, always, have that.

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My “Oh-No-No” List When it Comes to Dating – Inspired by Tom Haverford of Parks and Rec.

16 Sep

I’m a huge fan of the show, Parks and Recreation, created by one of my personal comedy heroes, Amy Poehler. The show itself is pure genius and the characters? Try to pick a favorite. You can’t. Tom Haverford, played by Aziz Ansari, is one of those amazing characters. He has something called an “oh-no-no” list for the women he dates. Essentially, if a woman commits an “oh-no-no,” it can end their relationship.

So, I figured I’d take the idea of an “oh-no-no” list and create one for the men I date, or am about to date, thinking about dating, or leaving a bar with late at night. *

  1. Men with defcon Level 7 bad breath. I’m talking chronic bad breath. How do you not smell or taste it!?
  2. Men who own one set of sheets. It’s weird. You’re an adult. Do better.
  3. Men who don’t like 90’s music. What is wrong with you? Seriously.
  4. Men who call their parents mommy and daddy…and you’re 30.
  5. Men who save their mothers number with emoji’s next to the name.
  6. Men who have no opinion on what the best The Fast and The Furious movie is.
  7. Men who see nothing romantic about going to Disney.
  8. Men who shave more parts than I do, EXCEPT for the parts they should. Which is Ludacris.
  9. Speaking of Ludacris, Men who have no opinion on the best collabo he ever did. It’s with Missy Elliot for Gossip Folks. Duh.
  10. Men who don’t like comedy. Stand up comedy. Improv comedy. None of it.
  11. Men who think Chelsea Handler is a “comedy goddess.”
  12. Men who think Christopher Titus is funny. Woof.
  13. Men who try to explain fantasy football to me. I don’t get it. It’s like football + sci-fi.
  14. Men who hate Florida State, but your team perpetually loses. And is less awesome. (And are probably fans of the Miami Hurricanes. Just sayin’.)
  15. You still think terms like “power hour” and “shooters” are terms someone over 25 should use.
  16. Men who wear crocs. Unless you’re a pro-gardener. And even then – yuck.
  17. Muppet Discrimination. Including slander of Muppets or Jim Henson and/or lack of knowledge.
  18. White guys with dreads/cornrows. Who are you? SNOW?
  19. Men with ugly laughs. I can’t.
  20. Men who think Tupac ISN’T alive and coming back. #whatwouldtupacdo
  21. Men who wash plastic cups.
  22. Men who wear shower caps.
  23. Men who wear basketball sandals BUT don’t play basketball.
  24. ANY man who voted for Clay Aiken.
  25. Strike that – any man who watches American Idol, or supports Seacrest.
  26. Men that wear TAP OUT gear and aren’t professional MMA fighter’s.
  27. Men who CALL THEMSELVES MMA fighters and are a white belt.
  28. THEY left THEIR backpacks over THERE, because THEY’RE silly. Get it?
  29. Any man named Trevor. Because fuck Trevor, bro.
  30. Men who wear Hawaiian shirts, even ironically.
  31. Men who use the words swag, yolo, cutie, honey, sweetie, or any variation of “izzle.” (For example, forshizzle.)
  32. Men who don’t watch Game of Thrones.
  33. Men that are afraid of roaches, except the ones they hold in their hand each night.
  34. Men that can’t put basic furniture together. Maybe you’re the basic bitch?
  35. Men with feet that look like they belong in The Shire. They’re hairy. And gross.
  36. Men who do drugs recreationally. Seriously, commit…or don’t. No one wants a “recreational” relationship.
  37. Men who can’t see over their stomachs. But comment on women’s bodies.
  38. Men who have 70’s inspired hair…above AND below deck. I’ll let you think about that one.
  39. Men who go to yoga. Namaste away from me, dudeski.
  40. Men who fear funny women, because they are insecure…and stupid poop-heads.

*Let’s be serious, those men may have an easier time getting me to be lenient on the “oh-no-no” list.

The Single Girls Guide To Surviving The Holidays

10 Dec
10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

  1. Wine
  2. Wine
  3. Wine
  4. Wine
  5. Wine
  6. WINE
  7. WINE
  8. W-I-N-E
  9. WINE
  10. DID I STUTTER? WINE!

There are other ways to cope with single-dom when the most magical time of year comes around…I’m sure.  I have absolutely nothing against the holidays. As a matter of a fact, Santa and I have a TON in common.  We love animals, presents, bringing joy to people and having a firm grip on a big ol’ sack…. of toys, ya big perverts. (Hanukkah Harry is more my speed. Anyone that can make it hot and last for eight nights, I want to meet!)

In any case, this is the best and worst time of year. For most of you, your ultra-creative boyfriend will shove a ring in a box, a tree decoration, a gingerbread cookie…a latke? A dreidel? You’ll take pictures beneath a huge tree, in the snow, just like you always dreamed and post it all over Facebook (because nothing is official until it’s ON Facebook…duh). The rest of you are amped to bring your new boyfriend to the office holiday party and show him off. Sure, he can’t spell harbinger, or tell you what it means…but damned if he’s not the most beautiful bastard at that party!

Then, there are the rest of us. There’s that moment of panic when you get an invite to a holiday party or to a couple-centric NYE party. “Ok, who can I invite? Who wouldn’t be awful to have there?” You go down the list of things you’re willing to accept:

-Who haven’t I slept with in a long time that I wouldn’t mind inside me this holiday season?

-Who’s the life of the party and makes me laugh, even though I don’t want to get caught under the mistletoe unless I’m three eggnog’s deep?

-Who is answering my text messages, Facebook messages, or phone calls? SMOKE SIGNALS? DEAR SANTA, SOMEONE ANSWER ME FOR THE LOVE OF CHRISTMAS!

-Who else doesn’t want to be alone at their obligatory parties that you can make a tribute to? “I put my holiday party up as tribute!”

I don’t know about you guys, but while I was going through this list I had an “Ah-ha” moment. Why the hell do I care about bringing someone to these things? Being single at these things isn’t all that bad, right? I like to RSVP for two, and then drink my portion and theirs. Who doesn’t love a drunken little elf on the holidays? Isn’t that how most elves make their money?

I started to realize that going alone is better than going with someone who you have to entertain, babysit, or do anything but have an awesome time with. With that being said, here are my ten tips for surviving parties when you plan to go-it-alone.

1. Go buy a new dress. Fuck it, get the shoes too!

Buy an outfit that makes you feel like Adriana-freakin’-Lima. Something that says, I’m here alone, and you’re welcome.  People say confidence comes from within, right? It does. Totally. But it doesn’t hurt to have an exterior you feel pretty amped about too. Make yourself look like the badass-boss you are.

2.  But for real, drink the wine.

Ain’t no shame in your drinkin’ game this holiday season. Everyone likes a jolly little helper, and that wine will get you there. It’ll help you stay loose, keep that smile on your face and rock some positive vibes (not that you need to drink to keep that positive outlook…HA! Almost got you there, right?).

3.  Being picky about what parties you go to is 100% ok.

Some of your friends…ok, 90% of your friends are coupled up. But of those 90%, 70% do NOT suck. They want you to come to their parties, solo or otherwise, because they want to hang. Don’t deprive those 70% who rock and who you love back.

But those other 20% who only want you to come to be a prop, to bring them a present, or to rub in your face their new home and family? Santa will leave them coal. If Santa doesn’t, remember you’re at a BUSY party, and pooping in the stockings they hung on their mantle is totally an option.

4.  Embrace. Accept. Drink.

Look, ‘tis the season for some serious romance. So, embrace that. Look at what you have. You’re awesome, right? You’ve got your shit together, right? You’ve got that subscription to Cats Daily, so that’s definitely something you’ve got going for you. KIDDING. Most people treat being single as a problem…it’s definitely not. If anything, it lets you keep your options open. Way open. Super open. Open like that gaping wound the last guy left on your heart, AMIRITE?

I don’t think the drinking section needs any further explanation. When in doubt, drink the nog, have some whiskey, sip on a vodka tonic or spiked apple cider…and have fun. YOLO, as the kids say.

5.  Remember what you do have.

An amazing disposition and shining personality. People fucking adore you. You are a rock star and you are not defined by what other people do. So stop acting like it.  The $%^&* end.

6. Always go to the after parties.

That’s where all the fun is, and where all the rest of the single folk come to hang out. Because we don’t have to run home to anyone, answer to anyone, or do anything we don’t want to do… (Or anyone, for that matter).  Hear that? That is the sound of all your taken friends sobbing.

7.  Don’t live your life via Facebook feed.

C’mon, kids. Common sense here. Lots of annoyingly love oriented romantic things are going to happen. Just be smart about what you absorb and what you sift through. Your ex may get engaged. Your bully from high school may have their third kid. Maybe your childhood friend bought a house and went on a two weeks vacation with the love of their life. Either way, you can’t live life through a newsfeed. I mean, you can…but…stock up on the original list if that’s the case (that would be the wine, in case you’ve forgotten).

8. Think of it from the flip side

A lot of people are single for the holidays. It’s not that bad. A lot worse could be wrong and is wrong in this world. Don’t harp on the one or two nights a year that people go:

-“You didn’t bring anyone to the party, sweetie?”

-“Aw, no one with you this year?”

-“Don’t worry, next year is your year!”

-“You’re better off, anyway!”

OMGPLEASESTOPSAYINGTHESETHINGSTOUSWEHATETHEM ANDITMAKESUSHATEYOUSOMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH.

Things. Could. Be. Worse. ::eye-twitching::

9.  New Years Eve…Let’s hug it out.

Really, this is one of the best and worst times to be single. The only reason you’re supposed to have a date for NYE is because you’ve been made to think you do.  Going stag is way more fun. Who doesn’t love throwing back some champagne like a champion, mingling, making new friends and having a great time with the ones you already have? The ONLY hang-up is midnight. Oh, midnight, you heartless bastard.

Scene: Everyone is huddled near the TV (or fake disco ball meant to resemble the one in NYC). Suddenly, everyone is getting closer to one another. People are screaming across the room, “WHERE IS TODD? TODD? IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT…. TODD! GET OVER HERE! YOU HAVE ONE JOB, TODD!” Here’s where things get a little hairy. As single people we have a few options:

-Act natural. Couples can SMELL FEAR.

-Hang out in the midst of the action because you’re above all that (and no one can see your tears amidst the glitter, cheers, and kissing).

-Head to the bathroom from 11:57-12:03 then pretend like you were there the whole time.

OR… you do the most badass move of all time:

Grab a stranger. Lock them lips, girl…and have a blast.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE’RE SINGLE, AND WE CAN.

10.  Don’t forget the things that matter. Spoiler alert, it’s not this.

At the end of the day, it’s a party or two. Remember that nothing is worth being upset about, particularly parties where the operative goal is to have a blast. Single, taken, or otherwise don’t forget what’s at the core of any holiday message. Celebrate the love you have, what will come and what you’ve come through. After all, it’s a New Year and who knows what’s headed your way!

Why The Movie Tommy Boy Is A Metaphor For My Dating Life

20 May

TommyBoy_138Pyxurz

While I do take a lot (and I do mean a lot) of my wisdom, advice, and general life knowledge from movies, my dating life is quickly turning into that scene from Tommy Boy when Chris Farley explains why he sucks at being a salesman…which makes me “want to drive off a cliff!” I work in advertising, so I’m used to selling things, but when it comes to selling the “Allyson experience,” let me tell you why I suck as a salesman…woman…sales woman.

1. Captain Weird Beard – Overall, the issue is that I don’t know how to date anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a normal date (and in a normal relationship) that when I’m alone with a guy, I act like “JoJo the Indian circus boy!” Overall, I’m excited, but I’m not normal Allyson. I morph into a weirdly quiet, monotonous, robotic version of Allyson that can only say, “that’s cool,” or “how awesome.” No matter how I try to force normal Allyson out, my quiet excitement confuses my date who thought they were meeting with someone who wasn’t required to wear a helmet while eating soup. Combine that with the weird half-smile I start doing out of nowhere and my poor date is left wondering whether that face I’m making is because I’m into him…or I just have gas.

2. Be More Like This, Less Like That – Everyone that’s been in a relationship for a week or less has an opinion on what you should do and what you’re doing wrong.  Each one’s method is THE method that got them their one true love (I just threw up in my mouth).

Opinion 1:  “Don’t sleep with them right away.”

Opinion 2:  “Sleep with them right away, who cares.”

Opinion 3: “Make sure you act interested in what he has to say.”

Opinion 4: “Ignore him. Men love that. Make him think you absolutely hate him and would rather hang out in a cave full of rabid bats before you’d go home with him….ever.”

3. Rocky Road v. Vanilla, AKA The Weirder the Better–  Part of the problem is that my give a damn is totally busted. I’ve been doing this dating thing too long with too little of a ROI ( return on investment). Whatever I do, no matter how I change it up it doesn’t make a difference. If I act coy? No good. Act myself? No good. If I try to find a compromising middle ground…it’s just…not good.

I feel like if we’re going to work out, I should be able to completely and totally act like myself. I completely hope/expect/demand you do the same. Oh, you’re weird? Cool. BE WEIRD. I prefer rocky road to vanilla any day of the week. If it’s too much for you to handle, cool. It’s been real…awkward…probably, and I’ll see ya never.

Be uniquely, un-apologetically you. I freakin’ love that.

4. And You Know What Else? I Never Learned How to Read…Signs! – When I was younger, I could figure out if you liked me in 30 seconds. The men, well…boys…were a lot more straightforward, and we cut out a lot of the awkward back and forth and got straight to the dating and happiness and what not. NOW? Sweet lord, I just don’t know. When I think someone is clearly into me, I’m wrong. When I think they can’t wait to run away, screaming…they’re into me. What…is happening…here.

Oh, I’m sorry that I misunderstood that every time you passed me in the hallway and averted your eyes you were waiting for ME to take charge. Sometimes I miss big cues though. Sometimes it’s so obvious it feels like it CAN’T be that obvious. Then of course, there is the awkward middle ground. Clearly, if you’re asking me inside, but then running away from me when I nervously chuckle…I don’t know. I just don’t know. Is that you are into it, but because I wasn’t immediately into it you retract your previous interest? Or do you like me because I wasn’t nice to you and I didn’t show any interest in you? AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? WHEN WILL THINGS MEAN WHAT THEY MEAN AGAIN? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

5. Game of Thrones Meets the Bachelorette – I’m not a good game player. At all. I’m pretty straightforward about what I want,until recently when I figured out that the bigger problem is that I legit have no idea what I want anymore.  Is it so hard to ask for a good human being, who loves dogs and watching Saturday morning cartoons? Who also has his life together and make me laugh so hard I pee a little?

Ok, maybe that’s a lot, but things change when you get older. Being so picky changes.

Like when I was 18, if someone I was dating had some sort of addiction I’d be like, that is…so cool. You have a debilitating meth addiction? SO COOL when I had nothing to steal. But now I’m older and my stuff is way nicer so it’s like…HA…no…you can’t…come over.

At this point though I’m like …you have an STD? Well…is it curable?  “OH, you’re in a terrorist training program trying to weaponize plantains? Cool…I love a man who has hobbies.”

It’s affected how I fantasize and what I fantasize about. My fantasies as I get older have gotten SUPER DULL.  Most women are busy fantasizing about 50 shades of gray; I fantasize about a phone call the next day.

Finding someone has become so difficult I’m like, oh you’re an amputee? That’s fine. I’m not really a leg woman anyway.

Overall, I don’t think I have what it takes to conquer Kings Landing or sit on the throne of the seven kingdoms. I don’t. I just want one kingdom to rein. I swear. That’s it.

6.  (And Finally) I’m A Shitty Saleswoman – I just say what I want to say. It’s almost like a deranged test of, “Can you handle this?” If I give you just the tip and you’re overwhelmed, I’d hate to see what happens when I’m fully myself. I’m a handful. I get it. I appreciate it. Hopefully one day, someone else will too.

I try to sell myself according to my target market, exactly as I’d do in real life. You like sports? I love college football and I used to be an athlete. Love cultured events? Artistry? I can rattle off some artists and get into it. I love cars and things that go fast…I think that’s a HUGE USP (unique selling point). Eat healthy and cook a lot? Me too. Want to pig out? ME TOO. ALL THE TIME. Like beer? Me too! Hate beer and don’t drink at all because it makes you take your clothes off? ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO….

Reading signals has become harder than advanced chemistry, a group of elderly who accidentally pop the wrong white pill, trying to swim through a bowl of Jello (although that does sound awesome) and trying to figure out why they keep trying to breathe life into Greys Anatomy. Seriously. I don’t get it.

tommy-boy-1

In the meantime, I’m going back to basics. Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe but I don’t know yet myself because I am….

A. Possibly going to be celibate forever.

B. Bad at making decisions.

C. Terrified of you.

If You Wanna be My Lover, You Gotta Get With These Trends

25 Feb
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want!

Everyone has standards. Some are rational, like “he must not be a serial killer (or a cereal killer. Seriously, I hate it when they finish the last of the cereal!),” or “she must have almost NO STD’s for this to work out… OK, maybe one is OK. NO, NO. None.” Then there are some “standards” that wouldn’t be categorized in the rational category. I call those irrational mandatory must-haves my “Spice Girl” list. To ensure the guy knows how to “Spice Up Your Life,” I run through this list of must-haves, compiled from dudes I’ve previously dated (or what I affectionately refer to as the are-you-freakin’-kidding-me…list).  If you want to make sure that “2 Become 1,” here’s what you must have:

1. You must know who Drake is – Am I serious right now? Yes. Yes, I am. How is it 2013 and you have no idea who Drake is? All you listen to is Grateful Dead? Well, when you’re done lighting your sage and braiding your hair, don’t call me.

2. You must own a TV— I hate to pull the “it’s 2013” card twice in a row, but I seriously dislike nothing more than hearing some pretentious asshole talk about why they don’t have a TV. “Nature is too beautiful,” or “I prefer to read at night,” or “I’m busy making a replica of a human woman out of string and bits of hair.”  I love comedy. I love TV. I can’t compromise on this one!

3. You don’t understand the importance of a first date – I get it. Women are “scary.” Actually, it’s probably less about the fact we can be scary and more about rejection. Nobody likes to feel rejected. Last night a friend of mine told me a story about how her sister was in love with this guy. She finally grew a pair and asked him if he was into her too. He said no, but she felt “SO MUCH BETTER.” That sounds…just…awful to me. BUT I get it. That being said, if I have to be vulnerable…you’re going to have to work a little.

Asking someone on a first date is like giving them a glimpse into your head. Are you going to ask me to the movies? Ok, so you’re not a talker.  Meet up for a drink? You’re not sure if you like me and want to see what happens if we have ONE drink before you financially commit to an entire dinner (and I commit to taking my pants off). Oh, let’s grab a coffee at Starbucks? That means you like me slightly less than the person asking me for a drink. That’s like the lowest form of date imaginable. Teetering on friend level and that’s exactly what you’d like to me know before we get there. This could go either way. Dinner? Full on, DINNER? You dig me. You want to impress me. And you hope I check the box next to  yes when you pass me the “Do you like me?” note.  Do something totally out of the ordinary like take me go-karting? Well, that’s marriage material, fella.

IF you’re not willing to take a chance, man up, and ask me out…we’ll have to say “Goodbye” before we even say hello.

4. You incorporate “gangsta speak” into conversations non-ironically – I’m all for droppin’ a little thug knowledge during a conversation, but entirely ironically. I’m not actually asking if you “nah sayin?” Because I would never actually say that in a serious way.  For some weird reason, the wealthier and more educated the schmuck is, the more he wants to fake his way through a thuggish ruggish speech. We’re not finna happen, ya dig? Just do you boo boo and we’ll be aight.

5.  You’ve beaten the internet and there is no trace of you – Nothing screams Law and Order SVU episode like not being “traceable.”  I don’t understand people who have escaped Google, Facebook, and been able to keep their life off the inter-webs. Makes me nervous! Even some kind of SMALL presence lets me know you’re not a robot or a rapist (or worse….a robo-rapist).

6. Your manners are on vacay in Katmandu – If you slurp soda like a sloth licking marmalade off a tree…this isn’t going to work.  If half your dinner ends up on your shirt and pants, then you re-wear them the next day…this isn’t going to work.  If you walk ahead of me or behind me instead of by me…this for SURE isn’t going to work. Remember: Men with manners make it further than those who don’t have any….nah sayin?

7.  Your funny bone is “in the shop for repairs”— If your sense of humor is also on vacy with your manners in Katmandu, don’t call me, maybe.  Nothing is sexier than a guy who can make me laugh or at least appreciate good humor. Silly humor. Stupid humor. POOP humor. Anything that qualifies as humor, qualifies as my kinda thang. If you’re going to be my kinda thang, it’s important we have this in common. Laughing at my jokes is not mandatory, but is greatly appreciated (and works wonders on that first date we were talking about).

8.  The only pair of dressy shoes you own are “fancy” sneakers– Dear LORD, I cannot stress this enough. Sneakers aren’t dress shoes. Nike Air Max doesn’t qualify as a dress shoe. New Balance does not make a dress shoe. When did this become a “thing?” I’m not talking about Puma’s, or Sketchers, or those kind of comfy with a little dressy mixed in….I’m talking about straight up SNEAKERS.  If you’re over 23 and don’t own a pair of dress shoes…you’re doing it wrong.

9. You aren’t divorced….yet – These are my favorite type of men. They’re not quite divorced, but “separated” for like, 9-12 months and ready to start something new.  To get the ball rolling, they don’t tell you they’re still married until you’re already out with them. From there, they launch into every reason why they are both over their wife and why it didn’t work. They make sure to not say anything too terrible and tend to take the “she’s an amazing woman, but we just weren’t right. We were too young, etc.”  The date usually ends with me counseling them, talking things through, then I head to the car and scream…and face-palm on repeat. D’OH!

10. You have more personalities than Sybil and you’re higher maintenance than Mariah Carey – Recently, I’ve found that some men are worse than women when it comes to getting things “their way.”  I shouldn’t have to coax you through the start of our dating period. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be my boyfriend or try to decipher your confusing and weird behavior and text messages. Be straightforward. I’m prettttttty open and straightforward. I expect the same. If you’re going to have a long list of demands and then change your mind every five seconds, I’m not sure a gal can keep up!

A friend of mine once asked me what I was looking for in a guy. I replied, “I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want…” with a lengthy list of “must-haves” and “must have-nots.” He looked at me and said, “You don’t know what you want. And you won’t know what you want until it shows up.”

Well, he’s right. So far it hasn’t been awesome, so for now…we wait! A ziggy-zig-ah!

A Lesson on the “The Letdown Chat”

11 Jun

 

 

Ahh, a first date. So much goes into the making.

If you’re part of the online dating scene, you know the protocol:

1. Contact them online

2. Wait for response

3. Get their response, and then make them wait extra time to hear a response because we’re “very busy”

4. Determine whether or not there is enough in common to look past their love for cats, quoting Scarface (which never gets old), and that their favorite food is corned beef and cabbage.

5. Finally, you decide to go out and meet them. Take the leap. The plunge. The final nail in the “will you be the one I can stand for more than one date” coffin.

Meeting a new prospect is always intimidating. You have no idea who you’re really going to meet. Sure, their pictures look respectable and you may click a thousand percent on the phone or via text, but that doesn’t mean that in person things will be so easy.

If all goes well, you both click. It’s an evening full of laughter and easy conversation, drinks and happiness and puppies, kittens and ponies.

If it so happens you two meet, you know within the first five minutes whether things are going to work out or not. We’re all relatively smart, we can feel it. Sometimes we sit through the entire date, let the person tell us about their occasional coke habit, let them call you chubby because “HEY, I AM TOO!” and really let themselves make an ass of themselves.

So you drink, eat, conversate, then leave. If it’s been a day or so and you don’t hear anything and don’t feel compelled to chat with them…the point is pretty much moot. It didn’t work out in real life. If you two could have a total text relationship, holy shit, you two would rock the face off relationships. However, sadly, you cannot solely exist in an online realm.

What really chaps my ass, is when two days later, you get “The letdown chat.” It’s that moment where the other person just wants to say hi, they had a great time, but…

1. I’ve been hurt too much lately to get into something new

2. I think we’d make better friends

3. You kiss like my grandfather ( those were very confusing times)

4. If you want to keep it casual, just sex and stuff, I could swing that…but emotional investment? Naaaah

5. I just generally don’t like your face…that’s it. Really.

People are putting way too much pressure on the first time. Just like most “firsts” in your relationship, they may not rock right off the bat. If the person you weren’t really vibing with is sending texts, asking “when am I going to see you next?” etc., THEN I could understand “the letdown chat.” When there is no communication for several days, and YOU bring it up? Well, then you’re just the worst kind of person.

Problems with “the letdown chat:”

1. It never starts off with a, “What did you think? Were you into it?”

That could save so much time and embarrassment. If you didn’t like me, solid chance that I felt similarly. Why not ask before you arrogantly give me one of your famous talks?

2. It’s choc full of backhanded compliments

“No it’s just, you have an amazing personality…and if this were a few months ago and I felt like dating a lagoon creature, I’d be ALL about this.”

“It’s really that I’m not ready. I’m not over my ex, but I thought I’d try a dating site and see other people in the meantime. If I WAS up for dating, trust me, it’d be you.”

“Your warm embrace and short arms remind me of a t-rex, and t-rex’s are MY FAVORITE dinosaur!”

“I’d totally tear you a part…but that’s all I can handle right now. That cool?”

 

Maybe stop for a second and consider…was I the only one feeling this? Perhaps they weren’t really vibing with me either. BUT NO, how could they NOT vibe with me? For all I am all that is awesome.

“The letdown chat” should be done on mutual grounds. It shouldn’t be brought up out of nowhere, all cavalier and such, and it shouldn’t be based on assuming that the one you’re letting down will in fact feel…let down.

If we don’t speak for two days, don’t feel compelled to let me know how sorry you are it won’t work out. Chances are, I feel similarly and will not be lying in my bathtub later with a jug o’wine, listening to Dido and trying to not put the razor to my wrist. Just because your mother says you’re perfect, doesn’t always mean it’s true 😉

Top 10 Things Keeping You Single (And Stupid)

21 May

 

I thought I’d drop some knowledge on things that are pretty much guaranteed to keep you single…forever. It’s not rocket science, it’s just the science of chemistry (see what I did there?) and being comfortable with who you are. That being said, here are the top 10 things keeping YOU single.

 

1.  Persistent on finding perfection

Newsflash kids, no one is perfect, despite what Disney® and flicks involving Katherine Heigl would like to have you believe. Here’s the key to finding happiness: figure out the components of a relationship that matter most to you. If finding a guy with a huge…salary is really important, maybe examine why that is and how that could be holding you back.  Men, if you’re looking for a woman who has a huge set…of standards, maybe you should re-examine if the standards are “real” or if they’re just high maintenance. The fact is, everyone is looking for their Adriana Lima orChris Evans. It’s not about finding perfection, because as it turns out…no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on someone who is perfect, restructure your priorities to find someone who is perfect for you. OR, get used to the idea of living with a lot of cats named “Nipsy” and dying alone. Either way.

2.  Relax and stop over planning

You’ve met someone new. Yay! You’re one step closer to not becoming the aforementioned cat person. With a new experience comes extensive excitement. Try to refrain from getting overly excited and making plans for the future. I’m not talking wedding, honeymoon, or baby plans (although don’t do that either…seriously), but plans for your birthday three months from now or even your cousin’s briss in two weeks. Calm down. Let things happen slowly and naturally because the reality is you can’t plan for anything. The second you start planning ANYTHING, if you listen closely, you can hear the Universe laughing it’s ass off and quietly whispering… “Game on, mofo.”

3. Alcohol + Communication= Recipe for FAIL

We’re adults here, right? Most of us enjoy a drink or twelve every now and then. Similarly, we live on our phones and find texting or Facebook the most pertinent form of communication. Although reading things like Texts From Last Night orDamn You Auto Correct seems really hilarious, it’s not as funny when you’re on the inside. In addition (and more importantly), it can scare the crap out of someone you’re barely speaking to when they receive a drunk text professing your interest in them when they barely know you. It makes you look short-bus special, immature, and like you can’t control your alcohol or emotions. “No…but like….seriously…you’re the prettiest girl at work, I swear. I SWEAR. I’d…lick your face if I was your dog.” Not cool. Stop it, or get used to repeating this phrase in multiple languages: “Table for one, please?”

 

4. Stop making excuses

Do I really have to talk about “bitch-assness” again? Stop being whiny, sad individuals. Reality is, if they want to see you, talk to you, hang with you or be your significant other…chaaaances are…they’re going to make it happen. Your friends are tired of hearing you whine about why the barista from the coffee shop isn’t into you. “But he gave me signs! He gave me EXTRA FOAM, I TELL YOU!” In addition, if someone is flirting with others in front of you, making out with other people, or treating you like you’re just another one of the guys/gals…holy cow, get the hint people. Read this sentence carefully and preferably out loud: HOLDING ON TO THOSE FROM THE PAST, OR IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD TOWARDS SOMETHING REAL.

5.  Make some single friends

We’re at that magical time in life where the majority of our friends have significant others. While that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s necessary to keep a core group of single friends who are still willing to go out. I don’t mean “go out and look for tail,” so much as I mean just…go out. FACT: when people start a relationship, they want to spend all their time together. They want to learn each other in more ways than one, and friendship can often take a backseat. You have to continue to love those friends and be happy for them, but start to find out what’s going on with other friends who are still available and ready to join things, go to events, or even just spend a night out eating dinner/having drinks and talking about the single circuit.  Also, it’s totally ok to get annoyed that your relationship friends answer the phone every single time their significant other calls (which is every five minutes), just swallow the bits of sadness and think about dusting off that old friendship “black-book.”

6.  Chiggity-check your standards

Having incredibly unreasonable “Disney®-esque” standards, or Victoria Secret model standards aren’t exactly fair…but having NO standards is pretty unacceptable as well. Sweet lord, how many times can I repeat this? How about I continue to repeat it as many times as it takes for people to get a clue or two? Nobody (and I repeat NOBODY) likes someone who will just “take anyone.” I was talking to a guy friend once and things got flirty. I said, “Well, I don’t think I’m your type.” He responded, “Sure you are. I like anything.” Not even anyone…anything. All desire for him? Dead. Done. Be realistic. If you’re a partial lagoon creature, stop judging people based on THEIR looks. If you’re a little bit hefty, stop commenting that the person of interest isn’t “fit enough.” Fitness, looks, beauty, and sweet abs FADE. After all that stuff is gone, what do you geniuses think you’ll be stuck with? Essentially…a really nice piece of art. Something really great to look at, but you can’t really talk to it…or have it comfort you in the way you’d like. Sure, it doesn’t make jobs and the paint is kind of fading, but at one time…man that thing was a hot piece of…art. Reality can be an eye-opener. Know your worth and don’t settle for less…but if you hang on a high horse, it could be the only steed you’re able to ride.

7. Input overload

Friends and family can be great, but ultimately there’s only one thing you should listen to…your gut instinct. This is a little two-fold. On one hand, people care about you and want to give you their perspective. When you’re in a new relationship or experience, it’s easy to “put the blinders on” and roll with it. “Well, she was married before…but he just couldn’t accept she is a highly sexual person.” That’s what she tells you, and what your friends and family hear is…she’s a filthy, filthy whore who probably cheated.

In scenarios like that, taking advice/perspective/insight/input is a good thing. Now, on the OTHER hand…misery loves company. If your single friends hear you say, “Well, he is really working on it. He doesn’t want to lose me, he’s just been hurt before,” regardless of whether that’s true or not…they want his head on a stake. Not necessarily because your guy isn’t a GOOD guy, but because he has now separated you from the pack…and they’re pissed.  They are now a lone wolf. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy; it’s that they don’t want you to be happy if they’re not happy too. Ahh…friendship. In the end, decide whom you can trust and rely on to provide you with non-biased, objective feedback when you require it. Be selective with the information you process, so that your brain isn’t trying to take fifteen people’s opinions into consideration, thus putting you one step closer to spooning something else besides your body pillow at night.

8. Leave some mystery

If you tell the person you’re talking to everything there is to know about you within the first few times of meeting, what’s left? Try to staple that huge suck hole on your face from ruining your chances right off the bat. Your new prospect doesn’t want to hear about the time you went to the bathroom on the floor of your ex’s apartment because you were so drunk you thought it was the toilet. They don’t want to hear about the time, you walked in on grandma showering and that’s how you identified she had melanoma and saved Thanksgiving of 1997.  I know you’re excited by the “newness” of the person, but c’mon…c’mon…pull it back a little. Discuss the little things. Little things can plant the seed that grows into talking about more serious things, silly things, etc. As much as you want to say, “I’m an upfront person. I like to lay it out there!” Sometimes it’s too much, too soon. You shouldn’t NOT be yourself, but should ease the other person into you slowly. It’s their first time with you, so be gentle.

9.  Snappin’ ass bitches, sleep with sad wishes

Snap judgments are the quickest way to both end something that could be potentially awesome, and make people think you are a crazy person. People come from all sorts of experiences, some good and of course some bad. Try not to drag your previous experiences into the mix. It makes for a bitter batter and the relationships tend not to rise to their full potential when that happens (how are these baking puns doing?). Remember that your NEW prospect isn’t any of your ex’s. Yes, it’s great to heed warning signs…but don’t live in your head. Read this line, over and over out loud preferably (we’ve done this exercise before!): IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO ACCEPT THE POTENTIAL OF GETTING HURT AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT READY FOR SOMETHING NEW.

Listen. Learn. Live. Love. AND let things go.

10. Stop seeing being single as a “problem”

People who feel like being single is the equivalent of leprosy make me want to vomit. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing we complain about more than anything is being alone? Then we’re finally NOT alone and suddenly just want freedom. FACT: YOU MUST BE OK WITH BEING BY YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY BE WITH ANOTHER.  So many good things are associated with being single. Need a few? How about not answering to anyone? Go out as late as you want, do what you want, don’t have to deal with someone else’s family (who are probably bananas anyway, and like to fart in public places), you get the WHOLE bed to yourself…and the best? Married people want to BE US. It’s not a bad thing. Be happy being you and the rest will come.