A while ago, my standards bought a sweet Groupon deal for several days in Playa Del Carmen. Unfortunately, it seems as though the longer my standards are “temporarily” on hiatus, it becomes tougher to reverse the consequences of their absence.
I’m not sure if I can blame my environment, my age, being single for three years, or the fact that it’s a rarity for me to meet someone I can connect with on any level (forget every level, I’d settle for one level).
I’m always quick to say that women are a more forgiving people than men (I know men, I can hear the groans and moans from here!). Hear me out. It’s not always the case, but more often than not it’s my friends (both single and in relationships) who are female that make excusations (my definition and coined phrase for excuses and accommodations) for their men-folk.
Take a second to think about this:
- How many of your male friends are super-fit and are dating less-than-fit women?
- How many of your male friends with a graduate degree date women with a high-school education?
- How many of your male friends can say, “Of course attraction is key and sure I’m attracted to her, but it’s really because she’s a good human and a human I want to hang around that makes me interested.”
Now, to be fair…how many of your lady friends say this:
- I wish he was a little bit taller…
- I wish he was a baller…
- I wish he had a girl who looked good, he should call …her.… ok, this one doesn’t work here…
- “OK, he’s like a super cool guy, but he’s a freakin’ …
- Para-legal
- Rap artist…and he’s white and Jewish!
- Aspiring dish washer
- Student at 35
Girls are dicks too.
I’m not saying that one is worse than the other, necessarily;
I’m just saying I hear more of my girlfriends saying things like:
“You know, I don’t love that he likes to call his mom directly after sex, but he’s such a good guy…and he makes me laugh so much…I’ve just taken to pretending I don’t hear it.”
“I know he just quit his high-paying job to become a comedian, despite not ever writing one word or ever being on stage, but he’s so funny in real life I think he has a real shot! Plus, I have a Master’s degree, so we know I’ll always have a job!”
“He’s bald. Like baby’s butt bald. I know usually I love a lofty head of hair, but I can deal with it. It’s kind of cute when the sun hits it just right.”
“Alright, I know… he has a bit of a “gut” and a “gambling” problem, but those we can adjust. Plus his family is so great and that’s such a rare find.”
While my guy friends say things like:
“Her boobs tilt at a 30 degree angle, which is creepy…right? Sure, she has an MBA and she’s running a Fortune 500 company but you know Bobby can’t get with no weird boobies!”
“I spend 7 days in the gym. She weighs like, 145lbs which is two times what she should weigh…unless it’s in her bra. BOOM!”
“I can’t date her because she’s funnier than I am, which calls attention to my insecurities as a man, since that is legit all I bring to the table.”
“All she does is run the Marketing Department for a huge Airline company. How hard is that? I mean honestly, work harder!”
These are all real things that either my friends or myself have experienced:
Your toes may be messed up or be so furry it looks like you belong on “The Shire.” You may have no hair anywhere else except on the back of your shoulders (that’s right, not even your back). You could have a stupid tattoo on your chest that doesn’t make sense. You may have a belly button ring from a stupid frat dare in 2002. You may have quit your job because you want to chase your dream. You may have one crooked finger that for some reason is always pointing left. You may have a huge, hooknose. You may have horrible parents who seem to want no woman to love you, ever. You may have a bi-polar sister you want to move in with us. You may have no aspirations, no dreams, no goals, but you’re hilarious. You may laugh like a dolphin, slapping your knee when something is super funny.
Real life. I’m not a solid fiction writer, I assure you.
Either way, it comes back to something I talk about a lot (ok, a ton). The idea of perceived perfection, and why I think that notion is at the root of why there are so many single folk. For a while, people were saying the same things to me. “Your standards are way too high. You require too much from a person.”
At first I fought them. Told them they were ridiculous. Absurd! Then over the past three years of single-hood, I started to take a good look at everything. Taking a good look at your needs and wants and scrutinizing your own behavior can oftentimes be synonymous with each other.
I started to chip away at my “standards” and figure out what was negotiable v. non-negotiable. I’m going to share my actual list of things with you, then show you how they’ve whittled themselves down to a solid (and rational) list, for better or for worse.
Six Months After Being Single:
Non-Negotiable
- Must not be a gambler
- Must not laugh like a dolphin
- Must not have a stupid name
- Must have an education (graduate would be nice!)
- Must have hair in all the right places (the head, you perverts!)
- Must not have hair in odd places
- Must be a good human
- Must think I’m funny
- Must want to be physically active on some level. Any level.
- Must be Jewish
- Must love his family, but they cannot run his life nor dictate his decisions.
- Must not be religious
- Must like comedy of all kinds and appreciate humor.
- Must have a dream
- Must love Disney
- Must know who Drake is
Negotiable
- You live in a close proximity to me
After about a year and a half of being single and only dating people from the non-negotiable list of the naïve six-month single lady, my tune (and list) changed:
A Year and A Half After Being Single:
Non-Negotiable
- Must not be a gambler
- Must be tall (I like what I like!)
- Must have an education (graduate would be nice!)
- Must be a good human
- Must think I’m funny
- Must want to be physically active on some level. Any level.
- Must love his family, but they cannot run his life nor dictate his decisions.
- Must like comedy of all kinds and appreciate humor.
- Must have a dream
- Must know who Drake is
Negotiable
- You live in a close proximity to me
- Must not laugh like a dolphin
- Must not have a stupid name
- Must be Jewish
- Must not be religious
- Must not have hair in odd places
- Must have hair in all the right places (the head, you perverts!)
It’s starting to look a little more even, no? As time progresses you still think you’re being reasonable. That your standards aren’t too high, because after all, you’ve been raised to believe you should have high standards (albeit ridiculous ones sometimes). Also, hey, you’re the total package….right?
A little over two years into being single and meeting absolutely everyone who meets your list on paper, yet not in person, you start to dig a little deeper.
Sometimes it goes to a good place of self-discovery, where you figure out some deep shit about yourself that prevents you from being able to meet “the person,” should they even exist. You’d never know if they were staring you in the face because you’re so pre-occupied with a fakakta checklist you forget to enjoy everything else. Sometimes it goes to a bad place of self-loathing, or you-on-you bashing. You turn the fact you haven’t been able to meet someone inwards. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What did I not do enough of? Maybe my degrees aren’t from a prestigious enough place. Maybe my job isn’t impressive enough. Maybe my boobs are skewed at a 30 degree angle and JUST MAYBE THAT IS HORRIFYINGLY CREEPY.
Right before the three year mark, hundreds of failed dates and obscene pictures of dudes junk on my phone, tons of disgusting messages from men on Tinder who can’t wait to say things to a perfect stranger like, “Oh, the things I’d eat out of your ass,” coupled with several failed relationships and general disgust for dating… I started to realize a couple of things.
First I had to reaffirm what I already know is true. To someone, I am the total package But I am in no way perfect (unless you ask my dog. He can’t lie.). My flaws are real, but there are things about me that should surpass those perceived flaws.
That reaffirmation lead me to throw away my ridiculous silly standard list and rethink things totally.
There were things about the people I’ve dated I could not change, no matter what. The important stuff like wanting a family, wanting to be a part of my family, my life, being a good human, etc. Then, there were plenty of things I could have changed about those same people that still wouldn’t have changed the non-negotiable things.
Following?
It’s the things about a person you can’t change that matter the most. Are they kind? Is their heart warm and is there an open spot for a significant other? Are they loving? Are they a good human, overall? Do they appreciate a sense of humor and value knowing that at the end of the day… looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the power of attraction, wit and conversation linger on forever.
My old standards wrote me from Playa Del Carmen, noting they won’t be returning. They don’t feel valued anymore and are seeking some new naïve brain to roll-around in.
After Three Years of Being Single:
Non-Negotiable
- Be a good human being
- Have a sense of humor (or an appreciation for it)
- Have a dream
- Have room for me in your heart/life
- Obviously, still knowing who Drake is. Seriously.
Negotiable
Literally everything else.
See ya later, silly standards!
I Give It A Yikes! 