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Change – You’re Awful, I Love You.

19 Nov

Things I hate more than change:

  • Spiders that like to play hide-and-go-seek to crash the car.
  • Banging my ankle on the corner of my bedpost.
  • Being told to “calm down,” or “take it easy,” or worst of all – “just relax.”
  • Raisin cookies because they’re just hanging out with the cookies to be like chocolate and that’s sad. Be your own, gross thing.
  • Microwave terrorists who heat up fish at the workplace.
  • People who downplay change.
  • Dealing with the actual change at hand.
  • Admitting that I hate change.
  • Coming to terms with hating change by watching a 10-hour Netflix binge-a-thon and drinking wine through a venti Starbucks cup.

 

One of those, is a lie.

(And it’s obviously the last one. Who hates that?)

Change…to put it bluntly – sucks.

Sure, it’s all about your “perspective” and how you choose to view change. For me, coping with change, adapting and Sudoku have all been challenging. I’m not what the layman would call, “easygoing when it comes to disruption.”

Change is always jarring even though you don’t just expect it, you outwardly ASK for it. Every day you could ask for the same thing, then when you get it, it’s like – “What? Oh, that? No, I was kidding. I’m not ready. There’s a million reasons why JUST NOT NOW, OKAY?”

When change is on the horizon, here are some “quick tips on how to cope and stop being such a f$%8ing baby, baby.”

Buck the f%^& up, buttercup

Change is typically pretty good, or happening for a reason. I mean, sometimes it’s the complete opposite and pretty horrifying but we’re not really dealing with that type of change right now, so can you just not? Especially if change is good, there seems like there wouldn’t be a lot of room to complain, right? WRONG. I think what “gets us” here is the fear of the unknown. Think of what keeps you at a crappy job, or in a less-than-amazing relationship.

Fear is real, but fear is also a liar. Fear is the guy still wearing socks with TEVAS and a Hawaiian shirt.  You can’t trust that guy. Look at what he’s wearing – he very obviously knows nothing about anything and you can’t trust him. Did he just answer his Nokia flip phone? Fear’s intentions are almost good because it reminds you that at any moment, things can happen. But you have to fight that anxious, negative, “at any moment, things can happen” with the positive side of that. How amazing is it that at any moment, anything can happen? Pretty. Damn. Amazing.

So take a note out of what could possibly be the best insult I’ve ever heard, courtesy of Scandal and don’t let this hit you in your soft spots:

Stop. Evaluate and LISTEN.

When change happens you start to see who is there with you, who is there for you and who never really was. THIS is the hardest part of change for me. To watch people who you believe you have true bonds with turn from best friends, to acquaintances and finally to strangers. It’s like, you think you’re part of this exclusive club, only to find out they let everyone in and the club’s closing next week.

Something happens to people when change is involved. It happens to me all the time. You’re happy for them, but you’re sad for you. It feels so selfish to say that, right?

Sometimes we don’t think about what happens to those who go through change with us. Sure, it’s hard for you to leave a job. But isn’t it hard for those you leave behind who are used to you and your antics? Who lean on you for certain things?

My biggest gripe is when change happens, it’s like people cease to exist. You tell yourself nothing will change, or people say “see you soon.”

Wrong.

It. All. Changes.

Your friendships become strained because you’re all busy. You make up reasons in your head, or you’re so involved in your own emotions that you reason with yourself as to why you don’t see each other anymore.

That’s the true test of your relevancy in each others lives. When you start to realize where your place is in their lives and theirs in yours, it doesn’t feel good. But sometimes, there’s just no place for your relationships once the glue that held you guys together is gone.

You have less in common, you’re stretching and growing and so are they (in their own ways). Change is inevitable, yes. But does it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck, or hurt, or make you feel like singing Billy Joel in your underwear in your living room after drinking a bottle of Malbec.

 

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I prefer my BJ old school.

 

Always dance in your living room in your underwear to Billy Joel after too much wine.

This one explains itself. You know what makes you feel good? Being drunk and pants-less in the comfort and security of your own home. You know where you feel sexier than Jennifer Lawrence and feel like you sing better than Rihanna? In the comfort and security of your own home. You know where you video yourself dancing and singing as the alter-ego of both called “J-Rawr?” In the COMFORT AND SECURITY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

070313-music-instagram-rihanna-jennifer-lawrence.jpg.custom1200x675x20.dimg.png

 

Be silly. Be weird. Embrace what you’re dealing with.

Change can’t take away your happiness. Most of the time, change actually the good guy. Change is like Channing Tatum in Step Up, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, ok— you get it.  Change is EVERY CHANNING TATUM CHARACTER. Change wants you to see them as smart and sexy and as the right choice, for the right reason. Change wants you to “take it to the streets” and rub your fingers up and down it’s abs, but also respect it’s mind. Embrace it. That is definitely the point I’m trying to make. Definitely.

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Much like my odd Tatum tangent, there’s nothing you can do about it. So you may as well learn how to experience, embrace and even enjoy (if you can) what you’re working through. Find comfort in the things that bring you comfort. When that doesn’t work, remember there is always Billy Joel – and wine.

 

You’re not a tree. So don’t throw shade.

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If you’re like me (a changeaphobe), this actually can be the hardest part. When something crappy happens, like say you leave a troupe you’ve been in for over a year because you feel like, “why do I come here once a week AND pay you and yet you’re the rudest human-being I know?” you want those you know to come with you, or at the very least SEE the same thing you’re seeing. When you cease to be a part of something and your friendships stop, or you’re replaced or however you view it, frustration and upset can build. Suddenly, you have attitude mountain on the corner of “WTF just happened” and “Wait, why does this hurt?”

Just be kind. Be kind to those who love you. Who are there. Who aren’t there. Who don’t get it. Who get it 100%.

Change is a powerful creature that can make you feel abandoned, empowered, amazing, terrible, alone, part-of-something, over-the-moon happy and/or angry.

If there are people who are there for you, lean on them. If leaving your comfort zone is hard, but worth it, lean on that. If you know that Total Wine is having a sale on Friday and you’ve just purchased some fresh undies, you’ll always, always, have that.

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Why You’re Not Getting A Second Date

5 Sep

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That’s right…go take a timeout.

When it comes to dating (and bad dates in particular), I differ to my alter ego “Dr. Overit VanCan’t Anymore.” I wrote an article a while ago about people having a hard time with what’s called, “the let down speech” and why it’s unnecessary and how you look like a real ass-hat when you give people one. I realized recently, after (yet another) horrible date, why those speeches are SORT of necessary. Particularly if the person you’ve gone out with thinks the date was an A+ when really, there’s not a Richter scale level HIGH ENOUGH to accurately depict just how mind-blowingly bad this date was.

Wondering why you don’t get a second date? I have some thoughts.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Sweet lord, think about this. If you’re not going to do something cool like suggest we do something that’s out-of-the-box (which is bonus points), think about where we’re going to go to “get to know one another.”

STUPID PLACES:

-Loud bars

-Loud bars on Friday

-Loud bars on Friday at Happy Hour

-What? I can’t hear you over everyone else’s happiness.

-Places with no indoor seating during the sweltering summers. Swamp ass is not the new black.

-Places with no real seating in general. You CAN get seating, but you must spar for it. Madness? THIS. IS. HAPPY HOUR AT A BUSY ASS BAR ON A FRIDAY!

(Oh, going to see a movie is stupid too. But that’s beside the point…for now. For now.

 The whole point of a first date is to talk, right? To figure out if we have enough in common that we find each other attractive beyond the physical attraction we’ve no doubt already decided whether we feel or not.

Fact: Sometimes, the conversation can be so good that it can even (you might want to sit down for this one) outweigh the physical attraction, OR, make you MORE attractive. So don’t be a dummy and take me some place where I can’t determine that. Unless you’re the guy I went out with. Then don’t date anyone again…possibly ever.

NOT SHARING THE CONVERSATION MAKES ME WANT TO KILL YOU. STRAIGHT UP.

Here’s the thing …I’m a talker. But nothing thrills me more than to go out with someone who ALSO likes to talk. Now, when it’s taken to the extreme, and your date doesn’t know when to pass the “talking stick” back to you, things can get ugly. Well, they can get boring and annoying, and can quickly turn into a huge turnoff. If you steamroll* a conversation, I spend that time thinking about what the people around me who are laughing and enjoying themselves are talking about and what you’d think if you could hear how I’m talking about you in my head and how I’ll talk about you to friend’s and family later.

Sometimes I even envision that each time I squint one eye, I’m crushing your head. And you don’t notice, of course, because you’re so into your conversation.

Also, if you say…

“Hey, the part from Dumb and Dumber with Sea Bass is so funny!”

And I say, “Yes, it’s a hilarious part, I’m very familiar with it. One of my favorite movies.”

That DOES NOT MEAN repeat the whole scene word-for-word while I die a little on the inside. I know the scene. I know…the damn…scene.

If you have nothing to bring to the table, conversationally, then just shut it. Let me help you carry the conversation! I would’ve rather sat in silence, then sit there and listen to your mouth move for the sake of moving. Or, you repeat the same questions you asked me on the phone. The very same comments, jokes and observations we’ve already tackled. If you start to feel like you’re on a date with a parrot, you’re doing it wrong.

Share the conversation responsibility to avoid getting yourself into this type of situation. Really, share it. It’ll be fine. Trust me. Otherwise, be known as the guy who could put you to sleep faster than Sleepy Time tea. Who made an IKEA catalog look more interesting and engaging. You were boring, sir. Boring.

Ok – I’ll shut up now…Well, about this.

TOO EAGER FOR THE NO PANTS DANCE

Bless you. You think that after poorly planning a date, putting me to sleep and buying me two beers, that has now granted you the ability to ask me to come back to your place. Because why spend money on more beer, when you have perfectly good beer at your house that we should be drinking on the roof?

Before the first date, getting texts like this has become the (very sad) norm:

“What color underwear are you wearing today?”

“What would you do if I was there with you?”

“I’m not in this for sex. Send me a pic though?”

“Here’s a picture from my arsenal…”

That last one is a picture of their junk. Unsolicited.

If your mind’s telling you yes, but my body (language)….my boooody (language) is telling you NOOOOOO. Take a hint.

It’s rare to go on a date where the end doesn’t involve me explaining I’m tired and can’t go anywhere else tonight because I’m busy doing anything else besides sleeping with you.

So instead, you sneak in an awkward kiss, because you think “I’m totally into you and want it. Badly.”

What do I mean by “awkward kiss?” This actually happened (swear):

Him: “You have something on your mouth.”

Me: “Uh…No, I do not.” (Wiping my mouth profusely)

Him: “Yeah, it’s like a zig-zag.”

Me: “What?”

Him: “A post it note. It’s a post it note.”

Me: “IS THIS YOUR ATTEMPT TO KISS ME?”

Cut to…well, you can imagine.

21 year old Allyson would’ve been totally with it. 29 year old Allyson don’t play that.

Two beers + poor planning x bad conversation= a handshake and a sigh of relief when I get into my car and call my mom crying, to tell her we may be adopting her grandchildren from somewhere outside of my uterus.

Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, things happen and you end up partying horizontally. But that’s earned. And rare. Because little comes from succumbing to the no pants dance so early on (I wish I was wrong on that last one, trust me). And it’s not because it wasn’t an upscale location or anything like that. A guy who can make me laugh and whom I have an undeniable amount in common with can sneak right past this. Easily. The guards will look the other way, I assure you. But I can’t remember the last time that happened.

THE TEXTUAL AFTERMATH

Here’s where you straight up annihilate my lady boner. If I’ve only walked from the bar to the car before getting a, “Well, that’s the show!” text… is just… too much. Let me process what happened. Let me figure out if I’m desperate enough to tolerate more of what you put me through that evening. Let me recover from an unwanted kiss and ear assault (you know, you…incessantly talking).

But here is the best part.

The next day, getting a text that says, “Hey. How are you?”

You respond to be kind, but you haven’t texted him since the date. You don’t want to lead him on, or be mean (in person. He won’t read this blog, so…we’re good). So you start to pull away by not responding. Maybe he’ll get the hint? He doesn’t. He continues to text you.

Three days later, with barely any response from you, he sends you another message. “I’ve been thinking about it and I’m really glad nothing else happened between us. I really respect you and think we’d be great friends. I just don’t think there was a spark.”

Eureka.

Can I tell you how annoying this is? I haven’t answered you in three days. I haven’t actively pursued you. I wasn’t thrilled you had your mouth on mine. I had to listen to you yack on about things for HOURS while I sweated on a bench we had to fight to sit on and practically had to beg to get another beer.

What in your mind went right?

 

It’d be a good social experiment to ask those questions, I suppose. Where did I go wrong, that this man thought after three days of radio silence, he should break it off with me.

However, I’m sure with lots of therapy and alcohol…some day…I will get over him.

* Steamrolling in improv comedy is when one person basically doesn’t breathe long enough for you to get a word in and you wind up standing there as a “silent” partner while they command a scene.

The Single Girls Guide To Surviving The Holidays

10 Dec
10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

10 steps to making it through weddings, engagements, holiday parties and NYE!

  1. Wine
  2. Wine
  3. Wine
  4. Wine
  5. Wine
  6. WINE
  7. WINE
  8. W-I-N-E
  9. WINE
  10. DID I STUTTER? WINE!

There are other ways to cope with single-dom when the most magical time of year comes around…I’m sure.  I have absolutely nothing against the holidays. As a matter of a fact, Santa and I have a TON in common.  We love animals, presents, bringing joy to people and having a firm grip on a big ol’ sack…. of toys, ya big perverts. (Hanukkah Harry is more my speed. Anyone that can make it hot and last for eight nights, I want to meet!)

In any case, this is the best and worst time of year. For most of you, your ultra-creative boyfriend will shove a ring in a box, a tree decoration, a gingerbread cookie…a latke? A dreidel? You’ll take pictures beneath a huge tree, in the snow, just like you always dreamed and post it all over Facebook (because nothing is official until it’s ON Facebook…duh). The rest of you are amped to bring your new boyfriend to the office holiday party and show him off. Sure, he can’t spell harbinger, or tell you what it means…but damned if he’s not the most beautiful bastard at that party!

Then, there are the rest of us. There’s that moment of panic when you get an invite to a holiday party or to a couple-centric NYE party. “Ok, who can I invite? Who wouldn’t be awful to have there?” You go down the list of things you’re willing to accept:

-Who haven’t I slept with in a long time that I wouldn’t mind inside me this holiday season?

-Who’s the life of the party and makes me laugh, even though I don’t want to get caught under the mistletoe unless I’m three eggnog’s deep?

-Who is answering my text messages, Facebook messages, or phone calls? SMOKE SIGNALS? DEAR SANTA, SOMEONE ANSWER ME FOR THE LOVE OF CHRISTMAS!

-Who else doesn’t want to be alone at their obligatory parties that you can make a tribute to? “I put my holiday party up as tribute!”

I don’t know about you guys, but while I was going through this list I had an “Ah-ha” moment. Why the hell do I care about bringing someone to these things? Being single at these things isn’t all that bad, right? I like to RSVP for two, and then drink my portion and theirs. Who doesn’t love a drunken little elf on the holidays? Isn’t that how most elves make their money?

I started to realize that going alone is better than going with someone who you have to entertain, babysit, or do anything but have an awesome time with. With that being said, here are my ten tips for surviving parties when you plan to go-it-alone.

1. Go buy a new dress. Fuck it, get the shoes too!

Buy an outfit that makes you feel like Adriana-freakin’-Lima. Something that says, I’m here alone, and you’re welcome.  People say confidence comes from within, right? It does. Totally. But it doesn’t hurt to have an exterior you feel pretty amped about too. Make yourself look like the badass-boss you are.

2.  But for real, drink the wine.

Ain’t no shame in your drinkin’ game this holiday season. Everyone likes a jolly little helper, and that wine will get you there. It’ll help you stay loose, keep that smile on your face and rock some positive vibes (not that you need to drink to keep that positive outlook…HA! Almost got you there, right?).

3.  Being picky about what parties you go to is 100% ok.

Some of your friends…ok, 90% of your friends are coupled up. But of those 90%, 70% do NOT suck. They want you to come to their parties, solo or otherwise, because they want to hang. Don’t deprive those 70% who rock and who you love back.

But those other 20% who only want you to come to be a prop, to bring them a present, or to rub in your face their new home and family? Santa will leave them coal. If Santa doesn’t, remember you’re at a BUSY party, and pooping in the stockings they hung on their mantle is totally an option.

4.  Embrace. Accept. Drink.

Look, ‘tis the season for some serious romance. So, embrace that. Look at what you have. You’re awesome, right? You’ve got your shit together, right? You’ve got that subscription to Cats Daily, so that’s definitely something you’ve got going for you. KIDDING. Most people treat being single as a problem…it’s definitely not. If anything, it lets you keep your options open. Way open. Super open. Open like that gaping wound the last guy left on your heart, AMIRITE?

I don’t think the drinking section needs any further explanation. When in doubt, drink the nog, have some whiskey, sip on a vodka tonic or spiked apple cider…and have fun. YOLO, as the kids say.

5.  Remember what you do have.

An amazing disposition and shining personality. People fucking adore you. You are a rock star and you are not defined by what other people do. So stop acting like it.  The $%^&* end.

6. Always go to the after parties.

That’s where all the fun is, and where all the rest of the single folk come to hang out. Because we don’t have to run home to anyone, answer to anyone, or do anything we don’t want to do… (Or anyone, for that matter).  Hear that? That is the sound of all your taken friends sobbing.

7.  Don’t live your life via Facebook feed.

C’mon, kids. Common sense here. Lots of annoyingly love oriented romantic things are going to happen. Just be smart about what you absorb and what you sift through. Your ex may get engaged. Your bully from high school may have their third kid. Maybe your childhood friend bought a house and went on a two weeks vacation with the love of their life. Either way, you can’t live life through a newsfeed. I mean, you can…but…stock up on the original list if that’s the case (that would be the wine, in case you’ve forgotten).

8. Think of it from the flip side

A lot of people are single for the holidays. It’s not that bad. A lot worse could be wrong and is wrong in this world. Don’t harp on the one or two nights a year that people go:

-“You didn’t bring anyone to the party, sweetie?”

-“Aw, no one with you this year?”

-“Don’t worry, next year is your year!”

-“You’re better off, anyway!”

OMGPLEASESTOPSAYINGTHESETHINGSTOUSWEHATETHEM ANDITMAKESUSHATEYOUSOMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH.

Things. Could. Be. Worse. ::eye-twitching::

9.  New Years Eve…Let’s hug it out.

Really, this is one of the best and worst times to be single. The only reason you’re supposed to have a date for NYE is because you’ve been made to think you do.  Going stag is way more fun. Who doesn’t love throwing back some champagne like a champion, mingling, making new friends and having a great time with the ones you already have? The ONLY hang-up is midnight. Oh, midnight, you heartless bastard.

Scene: Everyone is huddled near the TV (or fake disco ball meant to resemble the one in NYC). Suddenly, everyone is getting closer to one another. People are screaming across the room, “WHERE IS TODD? TODD? IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT…. TODD! GET OVER HERE! YOU HAVE ONE JOB, TODD!” Here’s where things get a little hairy. As single people we have a few options:

-Act natural. Couples can SMELL FEAR.

-Hang out in the midst of the action because you’re above all that (and no one can see your tears amidst the glitter, cheers, and kissing).

-Head to the bathroom from 11:57-12:03 then pretend like you were there the whole time.

OR… you do the most badass move of all time:

Grab a stranger. Lock them lips, girl…and have a blast.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE’RE SINGLE, AND WE CAN.

10.  Don’t forget the things that matter. Spoiler alert, it’s not this.

At the end of the day, it’s a party or two. Remember that nothing is worth being upset about, particularly parties where the operative goal is to have a blast. Single, taken, or otherwise don’t forget what’s at the core of any holiday message. Celebrate the love you have, what will come and what you’ve come through. After all, it’s a New Year and who knows what’s headed your way!

How to Not Sweat The Small Stuff

5 Feb

sweating

PSYCH!

Honestly? Do you guys read this thing AT ALL? In all seriousness, I wish I knew how to NOT sweat the small stuff, how to let things go (or how to “let go and let the spaghetti monster in the sky” deal with it) and how to move forward.

All three of those things are tall orders!

Even though the small stuff can feel “small,” sometimes the small stuff pushes its way up a hill. Then, some other “small” event happens that catapults that BIG ball of SMALL things down “Shitstorm Hill” and suddenly, you’re up to your heart in crap.

I truly believe that all anyone wants is to feel “okay.”  To not worry so much about what others are doing, what your exes are doing, or  how other people’s actions (although they shouldn’t) influence how we feel about ourselves and others alike.

I’m no expert, I’m just a girl who has gone through enough craptastic situations to learn a little somethin’ somethin.’  Have I learned that much? Meh. But here’s what advice I can offer for the BIG  three questions above.

How to Not Sweat The Small Stuff (For real this time)

1. No Worries, Mon – Stop occupying your brain with things you can’t control. If you don’t make space for the worry, the worry has nowhere to live. Take your brain power back by kicking those worries to the curb and evicting them from your “brain mansion”  (they’ll have to sleep on the streets with other people’s evicted worries).

Did we learn nothing from Van Wilder? “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.”

2. Live happily…people hate that – Nothing pisses people off more than seeing you NOT sweat things. They want you to be so consumed with anger, hurt, despair (whatever the emotion may be) that you’re too busy trying to “maintain” life instead of showing life who’s boss. (For the record, it’s you.)

3. Seriously, stop being so damned serious – Life isn’t always going to be easy, fun, painless, or super-duper fabtastic. Take a minute to think about what you’re “sweating” right now. Job sucks? It’s just a job. Get a new one. Find what you want to do and live passionately.  Significant other probs? Guess what…life is too short to make bad casting decisions. Surround yourself with people who rock. Awesome begets awesome, suck begets suck. Family troubles? Forgive them. Family is family. One day you might need them to forgive you. Things just not going your way? Buck up. Karma might be a mean, mean, bitch but she’s pretty good about bringing good to those who work hard and are kind.

Be fair. Be open. Love hard. Live well. Stress less. Have more fun. Take time to appreciate the small things instead of sweating them.

How to Let Things Go (According to my therapist)

Just kidding about the therapist. She’d actually be pretty pissed to hear me say any of this. If she were real. She’s a doll I dress up and keep in the corner of my room to talk to on occasion. Creepy? Surely. Effective? You bet. Free? F’in right, doggy!

I wish I knew the secret to making this happen. Probably one of the worst qualities I possess is being unable to let things go. I hold onto things. Sure, I might “forgive you,” but I damn sure don’t forget it. Seriously, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to forget things, because I think that’s the secret to forgiving. Also, being stupid. That helps. KIDDING!*

*I’m not kidding.

Here’s what I’ve learned…joking aside.

1. Lose 10 lbs Instantly, Without Working Out – Really. It’s like taking one big life-size laxative.  The “Lap Band” of emotions, if you will. Should I keep going? I won’t. I promise.  Point is, letting things go only benefits you. Holding ON TO things benefits no one.  Do you think the person who you feel has angered, hurt you, begrudged you, is sitting there eating their insides out over what you perceive they’ve done to you?  They’re not.  Even if you’ve decided to “cut them from your life” they’re still very much there, monopolizing thoughts that could be better spent on something worthwhile. Like what is the mystery in mystery meat, and why has NOBODY figured it out already?!

2. Take Sorry at Face Value – When people apologize, believe them. Try your hardest to do that, at least. I’m not saying to believe they’re sorry for them. Believe them for you, so you can put the past to rest. Be thankful that they’re at least a good enough human to see value in apologizing.  Whether they believe it or not, whether you believe it or not, they said it. Thank them. Then breathe, stretch, shake and let it go.

3.  Appreciate the Past, Look Towards the Future, Live in the Present – Everyday something new will happen. Whether it’s good, bad, indifferent, etc…what are you going to do? If you don’t learn how to let things go, you’ll wind up pushing those “small things” up that hill until there’s an event that  sends the BIG list of SMALL things down “Shitstorm Hill,” remember? I’m a big proponent of “everything happens for a reason.” Just because you can’t see why it’s happening now, doesn’t mean it won’t eventually show itself for what it is or what it was (when the time is right).

How to Move Forward

SWEET MOSES, I wish I knew the answer to this. I really do. I wish I had some magical anecdote and I could help the world. Well, first I’d make millions of dollars, THEN I’d help the world. KIDDING!*

*Again, I’m not kidding.

I totally get why the chick from Titanic wanted to use that ray to erase her memory in the movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  I do! Who wouldn’t like to instantaneously forget whatever thought, emotion, feeling is acting like a squatter in your mind? NO one told those thoughts they could stay there. BUT you were vulnerable…you left a door cracked slightly open and now…those bad or sad thoughts dwell there. Time to call the thought po-po on those mofo’s and EVICT them!

“My plan is to erase you completely, as if you never existed at all.”– Chick from Titanic in ‘ESOTSM’

1. Act More Like Chuck Norris – It’s your life and no one else’s. Take control of your thoughts that are telling you that you have NO control and teach them a thing or two about what happens when they step into your brain’s dojo. Seize your brain. Seize your thoughts. Break any thoughts into dusk that try to stop you from living happily, because they suck…and ain’t nobody got time for that.

2. Surround Yourself With People Who Don’t Suck – Not to be repetitive, but (again) awesome begets awesome and suck begets suck. There are some people who will walk, talk, and act like a friend…but are not your friend. Your goal is to figure out the good eggs from the rotten ones and only keep those who ROCK in your life. Take a look at the pack you run with. Are they mainly miserable? Or, do they radiate sunshine and happiness? You don’t have to go extreme, but finding a good middle balance is probs best.

3. Be Un-apologetically, Uniquely, YOU –   Nobody knows you better than you, so start listening to yourself. Follow your gut. Follow your heart. Follow the yellow brick road to see the wizard…

Wait a minute…wrong schpeal. Let’s try this again…

Respect yourself. Celebrate yourself. Empower yourself.

Now that’s more like it!

There are no right or wrong answers on how to get over things, how to leave things that deserve to be left behind, or how to keep the past where it belongs…in the past. All you can do is get out of bed every day and make the best of what you have. Do something small every day and soon you’ll find that all the small things you’ve been building on have led you to a mountain of happiness and strength and more importantly, led you to YOU.

A Simple Guide On How To Suck Less, Overall!

22 May

Amen!

 

It’s a little difficult for me to write a serious post, as I tend to enjoy making people laugh more than anything else. Today, unfortunately, due to my somber mood…I’m going to drop some seriousness up in here. I’d like to talk about the suckery, upset, disappointment and general douchebaggery that seems to be continuing to get worse. People are not who they portray themselves to be, they lie more and more, and it’s becoming difficult to trust anyone or believe any of the drivel they say. The other issue, is that South Florida is a small place. When you get into the different religious, political, cultural and hobby-based circles that people participate in…it gets that much smaller.

My point is, like Margaret Thatcher said (or maybe it was Trick Daddy), “Everybody knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody.”

That being said, here’s a small guide on how to suck less, overall.

  1. Start by telling the truth: It’s not that hard. Just make sure when you open up that giant suck hole on your face, words come out that are purposeful, meaningful, and oozing with honesty instead of laced with a big load of bull.
  2. Care a little: I’m a human being, and would love to be respected and talked to as such. Beyond that, I need to learn not to be overly trusting and compassionate. I know, how silly of me to believe in others…right?
  3. Integrity… “GET YOU SOME!” I think that’s my new tagline, grammar be damned. Nobody panic. I’ve noticed that everyone’s integrity has gone out the window. Snuck out in the middle of the night. “Hide yo morals, hide yo values…they stealing everyone’s integrity up in here!” Well, just like “The Bed Intruder,” I have the same message… “Don’t worry, Integrity! We are LOOKING for you!” I’m so incredibly disappointed with people in general, and I have lost all hope.
  4. Show yourself, as you are…from the get go: Here’s the thing…if we don’t know each other well, that means you have no idea who I know and I have no idea who you know. While I mentioned above that everyone knows someone, I’d like to reiterate. You are dumb to hide anything, or try to portray yourself as a mythical unicorn…if you’re just a jackass with a cone-shaped headpiece on.  Someone will hear your name, and instinctively regurgitate everything and anything they know…and you will be…le fucked.
  5. Google is a hell of a tool, and apparently…so are you: If by now, the power of Google is a shocking notion to you, I’d like you to participate in the following exercise. Extend your dominant arm, making your dominant hand rigid and bringing your fingers to a point.  Please proceed to swing that hand at your face, until you slap some sense into your clearly empty head. SO you withheld a marriage…a divorce…5 kids…a prison record…that you lived in another state…you lost jobs for sexting or sexing coworkers? All these dirty little things you thought you could keep secret and still portray yourself as an upstanding member of the community…jokes on you, SUCKA. What you chose to not share, Google did…in 5 seconds. In seconds, I learn what would normally take days, weeks, or even months.

Overall, I like to think I’m pretty forgiving (dumb), understanding (stupid), and all around trusting (silly little girl). I’m upfront and honest, and seriously am more confused by the dishonesty of others and general craptastic demeanor that seems to be on display 24/7.

As Biggie Smalls once said (or was it Dr. Suess?), “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you can adhere to these five simple rules above (which most humans should be able to considering a MONKEY and a ROBOT could probably handle it), you’ll be well on your way to sucking less…overall.

Top 10 Things Keeping You Single (And Stupid)

21 May

 

I thought I’d drop some knowledge on things that are pretty much guaranteed to keep you single…forever. It’s not rocket science, it’s just the science of chemistry (see what I did there?) and being comfortable with who you are. That being said, here are the top 10 things keeping YOU single.

 

1.  Persistent on finding perfection

Newsflash kids, no one is perfect, despite what Disney® and flicks involving Katherine Heigl would like to have you believe. Here’s the key to finding happiness: figure out the components of a relationship that matter most to you. If finding a guy with a huge…salary is really important, maybe examine why that is and how that could be holding you back.  Men, if you’re looking for a woman who has a huge set…of standards, maybe you should re-examine if the standards are “real” or if they’re just high maintenance. The fact is, everyone is looking for their Adriana Lima orChris Evans. It’s not about finding perfection, because as it turns out…no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on someone who is perfect, restructure your priorities to find someone who is perfect for you. OR, get used to the idea of living with a lot of cats named “Nipsy” and dying alone. Either way.

2.  Relax and stop over planning

You’ve met someone new. Yay! You’re one step closer to not becoming the aforementioned cat person. With a new experience comes extensive excitement. Try to refrain from getting overly excited and making plans for the future. I’m not talking wedding, honeymoon, or baby plans (although don’t do that either…seriously), but plans for your birthday three months from now or even your cousin’s briss in two weeks. Calm down. Let things happen slowly and naturally because the reality is you can’t plan for anything. The second you start planning ANYTHING, if you listen closely, you can hear the Universe laughing it’s ass off and quietly whispering… “Game on, mofo.”

3. Alcohol + Communication= Recipe for FAIL

We’re adults here, right? Most of us enjoy a drink or twelve every now and then. Similarly, we live on our phones and find texting or Facebook the most pertinent form of communication. Although reading things like Texts From Last Night orDamn You Auto Correct seems really hilarious, it’s not as funny when you’re on the inside. In addition (and more importantly), it can scare the crap out of someone you’re barely speaking to when they receive a drunk text professing your interest in them when they barely know you. It makes you look short-bus special, immature, and like you can’t control your alcohol or emotions. “No…but like….seriously…you’re the prettiest girl at work, I swear. I SWEAR. I’d…lick your face if I was your dog.” Not cool. Stop it, or get used to repeating this phrase in multiple languages: “Table for one, please?”

 

4. Stop making excuses

Do I really have to talk about “bitch-assness” again? Stop being whiny, sad individuals. Reality is, if they want to see you, talk to you, hang with you or be your significant other…chaaaances are…they’re going to make it happen. Your friends are tired of hearing you whine about why the barista from the coffee shop isn’t into you. “But he gave me signs! He gave me EXTRA FOAM, I TELL YOU!” In addition, if someone is flirting with others in front of you, making out with other people, or treating you like you’re just another one of the guys/gals…holy cow, get the hint people. Read this sentence carefully and preferably out loud: HOLDING ON TO THOSE FROM THE PAST, OR IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD TOWARDS SOMETHING REAL.

5.  Make some single friends

We’re at that magical time in life where the majority of our friends have significant others. While that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s necessary to keep a core group of single friends who are still willing to go out. I don’t mean “go out and look for tail,” so much as I mean just…go out. FACT: when people start a relationship, they want to spend all their time together. They want to learn each other in more ways than one, and friendship can often take a backseat. You have to continue to love those friends and be happy for them, but start to find out what’s going on with other friends who are still available and ready to join things, go to events, or even just spend a night out eating dinner/having drinks and talking about the single circuit.  Also, it’s totally ok to get annoyed that your relationship friends answer the phone every single time their significant other calls (which is every five minutes), just swallow the bits of sadness and think about dusting off that old friendship “black-book.”

6.  Chiggity-check your standards

Having incredibly unreasonable “Disney®-esque” standards, or Victoria Secret model standards aren’t exactly fair…but having NO standards is pretty unacceptable as well. Sweet lord, how many times can I repeat this? How about I continue to repeat it as many times as it takes for people to get a clue or two? Nobody (and I repeat NOBODY) likes someone who will just “take anyone.” I was talking to a guy friend once and things got flirty. I said, “Well, I don’t think I’m your type.” He responded, “Sure you are. I like anything.” Not even anyone…anything. All desire for him? Dead. Done. Be realistic. If you’re a partial lagoon creature, stop judging people based on THEIR looks. If you’re a little bit hefty, stop commenting that the person of interest isn’t “fit enough.” Fitness, looks, beauty, and sweet abs FADE. After all that stuff is gone, what do you geniuses think you’ll be stuck with? Essentially…a really nice piece of art. Something really great to look at, but you can’t really talk to it…or have it comfort you in the way you’d like. Sure, it doesn’t make jobs and the paint is kind of fading, but at one time…man that thing was a hot piece of…art. Reality can be an eye-opener. Know your worth and don’t settle for less…but if you hang on a high horse, it could be the only steed you’re able to ride.

7. Input overload

Friends and family can be great, but ultimately there’s only one thing you should listen to…your gut instinct. This is a little two-fold. On one hand, people care about you and want to give you their perspective. When you’re in a new relationship or experience, it’s easy to “put the blinders on” and roll with it. “Well, she was married before…but he just couldn’t accept she is a highly sexual person.” That’s what she tells you, and what your friends and family hear is…she’s a filthy, filthy whore who probably cheated.

In scenarios like that, taking advice/perspective/insight/input is a good thing. Now, on the OTHER hand…misery loves company. If your single friends hear you say, “Well, he is really working on it. He doesn’t want to lose me, he’s just been hurt before,” regardless of whether that’s true or not…they want his head on a stake. Not necessarily because your guy isn’t a GOOD guy, but because he has now separated you from the pack…and they’re pissed.  They are now a lone wolf. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy; it’s that they don’t want you to be happy if they’re not happy too. Ahh…friendship. In the end, decide whom you can trust and rely on to provide you with non-biased, objective feedback when you require it. Be selective with the information you process, so that your brain isn’t trying to take fifteen people’s opinions into consideration, thus putting you one step closer to spooning something else besides your body pillow at night.

8. Leave some mystery

If you tell the person you’re talking to everything there is to know about you within the first few times of meeting, what’s left? Try to staple that huge suck hole on your face from ruining your chances right off the bat. Your new prospect doesn’t want to hear about the time you went to the bathroom on the floor of your ex’s apartment because you were so drunk you thought it was the toilet. They don’t want to hear about the time, you walked in on grandma showering and that’s how you identified she had melanoma and saved Thanksgiving of 1997.  I know you’re excited by the “newness” of the person, but c’mon…c’mon…pull it back a little. Discuss the little things. Little things can plant the seed that grows into talking about more serious things, silly things, etc. As much as you want to say, “I’m an upfront person. I like to lay it out there!” Sometimes it’s too much, too soon. You shouldn’t NOT be yourself, but should ease the other person into you slowly. It’s their first time with you, so be gentle.

9.  Snappin’ ass bitches, sleep with sad wishes

Snap judgments are the quickest way to both end something that could be potentially awesome, and make people think you are a crazy person. People come from all sorts of experiences, some good and of course some bad. Try not to drag your previous experiences into the mix. It makes for a bitter batter and the relationships tend not to rise to their full potential when that happens (how are these baking puns doing?). Remember that your NEW prospect isn’t any of your ex’s. Yes, it’s great to heed warning signs…but don’t live in your head. Read this line, over and over out loud preferably (we’ve done this exercise before!): IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO ACCEPT THE POTENTIAL OF GETTING HURT AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT READY FOR SOMETHING NEW.

Listen. Learn. Live. Love. AND let things go.

10. Stop seeing being single as a “problem”

People who feel like being single is the equivalent of leprosy make me want to vomit. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing we complain about more than anything is being alone? Then we’re finally NOT alone and suddenly just want freedom. FACT: YOU MUST BE OK WITH BEING BY YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY BE WITH ANOTHER.  So many good things are associated with being single. Need a few? How about not answering to anyone? Go out as late as you want, do what you want, don’t have to deal with someone else’s family (who are probably bananas anyway, and like to fart in public places), you get the WHOLE bed to yourself…and the best? Married people want to BE US. It’s not a bad thing. Be happy being you and the rest will come.

How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!