While I do take a lot (and I do mean a lot) of my wisdom, advice, and general life knowledge from movies, my dating life is quickly turning into that scene from Tommy Boy when Chris Farley explains why he sucks at being a salesman…which makes me “want to drive off a cliff!” I work in advertising, so I’m used to selling things, but when it comes to selling the “Allyson experience,” let me tell you why I suck as a salesman…woman…sales woman.
1. Captain Weird Beard – Overall, the issue is that I don’t know how to date anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a normal date (and in a normal relationship) that when I’m alone with a guy, I act like “JoJo the Indian circus boy!” Overall, I’m excited, but I’m not normal Allyson. I morph into a weirdly quiet, monotonous, robotic version of Allyson that can only say, “that’s cool,” or “how awesome.” No matter how I try to force normal Allyson out, my quiet excitement confuses my date who thought they were meeting with someone who wasn’t required to wear a helmet while eating soup. Combine that with the weird half-smile I start doing out of nowhere and my poor date is left wondering whether that face I’m making is because I’m into him…or I just have gas.
2. Be More Like This, Less Like That – Everyone that’s been in a relationship for a week or less has an opinion on what you should do and what you’re doing wrong. Each one’s method is THE method that got them their one true love (I just threw up in my mouth).
Opinion 1: “Don’t sleep with them right away.”
Opinion 2: “Sleep with them right away, who cares.”
Opinion 3: “Make sure you act interested in what he has to say.”
Opinion 4: “Ignore him. Men love that. Make him think you absolutely hate him and would rather hang out in a cave full of rabid bats before you’d go home with him….ever.”
3. Rocky Road v. Vanilla, AKA The Weirder the Better– Part of the problem is that my give a damn is totally busted. I’ve been doing this dating thing too long with too little of a ROI ( return on investment). Whatever I do, no matter how I change it up it doesn’t make a difference. If I act coy? No good. Act myself? No good. If I try to find a compromising middle ground…it’s just…not good.
I feel like if we’re going to work out, I should be able to completely and totally act like myself. I completely hope/expect/demand you do the same. Oh, you’re weird? Cool. BE WEIRD. I prefer rocky road to vanilla any day of the week. If it’s too much for you to handle, cool. It’s been real…awkward…probably, and I’ll see ya never.
Be uniquely, un-apologetically you. I freakin’ love that.
4. And You Know What Else? I Never Learned How to Read…Signs! – When I was younger, I could figure out if you liked me in 30 seconds. The men, well…boys…were a lot more straightforward, and we cut out a lot of the awkward back and forth and got straight to the dating and happiness and what not. NOW? Sweet lord, I just don’t know. When I think someone is clearly into me, I’m wrong. When I think they can’t wait to run away, screaming…they’re into me. What…is happening…here.
Oh, I’m sorry that I misunderstood that every time you passed me in the hallway and averted your eyes you were waiting for ME to take charge. Sometimes I miss big cues though. Sometimes it’s so obvious it feels like it CAN’T be that obvious. Then of course, there is the awkward middle ground. Clearly, if you’re asking me inside, but then running away from me when I nervously chuckle…I don’t know. I just don’t know. Is that you are into it, but because I wasn’t immediately into it you retract your previous interest? Or do you like me because I wasn’t nice to you and I didn’t show any interest in you? AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? WHEN WILL THINGS MEAN WHAT THEY MEAN AGAIN? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
5. Game of Thrones Meets the Bachelorette – I’m not a good game player. At all. I’m pretty straightforward about what I want,until recently when I figured out that the bigger problem is that I legit have no idea what I want anymore. Is it so hard to ask for a good human being, who loves dogs and watching Saturday morning cartoons? Who also has his life together and make me laugh so hard I pee a little?
Ok, maybe that’s a lot, but things change when you get older. Being so picky changes.
Like when I was 18, if someone I was dating had some sort of addiction I’d be like, that is…so cool. You have a debilitating meth addiction? SO COOL when I had nothing to steal. But now I’m older and my stuff is way nicer so it’s like…HA…no…you can’t…come over.
At this point though I’m like …you have an STD? Well…is it curable? “OH, you’re in a terrorist training program trying to weaponize plantains? Cool…I love a man who has hobbies.”
It’s affected how I fantasize and what I fantasize about. My fantasies as I get older have gotten SUPER DULL. Most women are busy fantasizing about 50 shades of gray; I fantasize about a phone call the next day.
Finding someone has become so difficult I’m like, oh you’re an amputee? That’s fine. I’m not really a leg woman anyway.
Overall, I don’t think I have what it takes to conquer Kings Landing or sit on the throne of the seven kingdoms. I don’t. I just want one kingdom to rein. I swear. That’s it.
6. (And Finally) I’m A Shitty Saleswoman – I just say what I want to say. It’s almost like a deranged test of, “Can you handle this?” If I give you just the tip and you’re overwhelmed, I’d hate to see what happens when I’m fully myself. I’m a handful. I get it. I appreciate it. Hopefully one day, someone else will too.
I try to sell myself according to my target market, exactly as I’d do in real life. You like sports? I love college football and I used to be an athlete. Love cultured events? Artistry? I can rattle off some artists and get into it. I love cars and things that go fast…I think that’s a HUGE USP (unique selling point). Eat healthy and cook a lot? Me too. Want to pig out? ME TOO. ALL THE TIME. Like beer? Me too! Hate beer and don’t drink at all because it makes you take your clothes off? ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO….
Reading signals has become harder than advanced chemistry, a group of elderly who accidentally pop the wrong white pill, trying to swim through a bowl of Jello (although that does sound awesome) and trying to figure out why they keep trying to breathe life into Greys Anatomy. Seriously. I don’t get it.
In the meantime, I’m going back to basics. Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe but I don’t know yet myself because I am….
A. Possibly going to be celibate forever.
B. Bad at making decisions.
C. Terrified of you.