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A Simple Guide On How To Suck Less, Overall!

22 May

Amen!

 

It’s a little difficult for me to write a serious post, as I tend to enjoy making people laugh more than anything else. Today, unfortunately, due to my somber mood…I’m going to drop some seriousness up in here. I’d like to talk about the suckery, upset, disappointment and general douchebaggery that seems to be continuing to get worse. People are not who they portray themselves to be, they lie more and more, and it’s becoming difficult to trust anyone or believe any of the drivel they say. The other issue, is that South Florida is a small place. When you get into the different religious, political, cultural and hobby-based circles that people participate in…it gets that much smaller.

My point is, like Margaret Thatcher said (or maybe it was Trick Daddy), “Everybody knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody.”

That being said, here’s a small guide on how to suck less, overall.

  1. Start by telling the truth: It’s not that hard. Just make sure when you open up that giant suck hole on your face, words come out that are purposeful, meaningful, and oozing with honesty instead of laced with a big load of bull.
  2. Care a little: I’m a human being, and would love to be respected and talked to as such. Beyond that, I need to learn not to be overly trusting and compassionate. I know, how silly of me to believe in others…right?
  3. Integrity… “GET YOU SOME!” I think that’s my new tagline, grammar be damned. Nobody panic. I’ve noticed that everyone’s integrity has gone out the window. Snuck out in the middle of the night. “Hide yo morals, hide yo values…they stealing everyone’s integrity up in here!” Well, just like “The Bed Intruder,” I have the same message… “Don’t worry, Integrity! We are LOOKING for you!” I’m so incredibly disappointed with people in general, and I have lost all hope.
  4. Show yourself, as you are…from the get go: Here’s the thing…if we don’t know each other well, that means you have no idea who I know and I have no idea who you know. While I mentioned above that everyone knows someone, I’d like to reiterate. You are dumb to hide anything, or try to portray yourself as a mythical unicorn…if you’re just a jackass with a cone-shaped headpiece on.  Someone will hear your name, and instinctively regurgitate everything and anything they know…and you will be…le fucked.
  5. Google is a hell of a tool, and apparently…so are you: If by now, the power of Google is a shocking notion to you, I’d like you to participate in the following exercise. Extend your dominant arm, making your dominant hand rigid and bringing your fingers to a point.  Please proceed to swing that hand at your face, until you slap some sense into your clearly empty head. SO you withheld a marriage…a divorce…5 kids…a prison record…that you lived in another state…you lost jobs for sexting or sexing coworkers? All these dirty little things you thought you could keep secret and still portray yourself as an upstanding member of the community…jokes on you, SUCKA. What you chose to not share, Google did…in 5 seconds. In seconds, I learn what would normally take days, weeks, or even months.

Overall, I like to think I’m pretty forgiving (dumb), understanding (stupid), and all around trusting (silly little girl). I’m upfront and honest, and seriously am more confused by the dishonesty of others and general craptastic demeanor that seems to be on display 24/7.

As Biggie Smalls once said (or was it Dr. Suess?), “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you can adhere to these five simple rules above (which most humans should be able to considering a MONKEY and a ROBOT could probably handle it), you’ll be well on your way to sucking less…overall.

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Sugar Daddy’s, Boy Toys, or Something In-Between?

21 May

“Knock, knock…it’s love. Are you ready?”

Everyone has their type, right? If you have to label it, it’s who you’re attracted to instantly without even thinking about it.  I like to claim I’m super predictable with my choices in men; someone who’s over 6’0” tall, dark hair, dark eyes…what my friends and I refer to as, “tall, dark and sturdy!”

Although I claim that I like those men, I usually wind up only dating men who carry a couple of those characteristics. Tall? Definitely. Dark? Not always. Sturdy? None of your business.

The only other major consistency is that they’re always older than I am. In high school, college and even now, I’ve stuck to dating older dudes. Recently, there’s been an influx of “chance meetings” with some really incredibly genuine younger guys, which has me wondering if maybe it’s time to a leap out of my comfort zone.

Ol’ G’s V. Young Gents

Sure it’s all about preference, but let’s peep some REAL pros and cons of dating Ol’ G’s!

Pros:

1. Let’s keep it real: Homeboy knows what to do in the bedroom. They’ve had experience; they know what works and what doesn’t and can typically afford to take a moment to listen to what the lady wants.  Taking their time and ensuring that we reach our “final destination” is something they take a lot of pride in. Also, (unlike the Young Gents) they’re less shocked someone wants to sleep with them and therefore are in less of a hurry to “get to business” on the off-chance the lady changes her mind.

2.  Cultured: Older men are perceived as more worldly, cultured and put together. We assume they are well-traveled, know what’s going on in the world and can show us things we’ve never been exposed to in a whole new way. They like art, they’ll see musicals with you or hit up a concert without feeling like it’s “too cool.”

3.  Accomplished: Here’s where a lot of Ol’ G’s come in first. A woman in college is looking for a guy who at least has a “plan” of where he wants to go and how he wants to get there. A woman post college is looking for a guy with the drive to implement that “plan” and show initiative and maturity. These Ol’ G’s are already older than you, (whatever age that is) which implies there’s a better chance their shit…is together. No one wants to be standing behind someone their entire life pushing them uphill and begging them to do something with themselves.

4. Patience, My Dear Watson: Ol’ G’s have patience, yo! They are more apt to let you be you, because you’re younger than them…and they’re into it. On top of that, they are perceived as mentors almost. Ol’ G’s can be there while you grow and help you through those rough spots, because they’ve been there and been through it and won’t freak out when you freak out. In addition, the notion is that they’ll take care of you, look out for you, and cherish you in a way that most Young Gents won’t (because they still think they can do better…suckers).

Cons:

1. If we’re keeping it real: Sometimes, the motion in the ocean is outdated. There’s nothing fun, there’s really no passion and they just do what they’ve been used to doing the past 1,000 years that’s “gotten them by.” Furthermore, they are a little over impressed with themselves when it comes to the bedroom, but also super insecure. More often than not, you can hear “So…how was it?” “Was it ok?” “And how do I rate, by comparison?” come out of their mouths not ten seconds after you both collapse. Also, be aware…older CAN be sexy, but the same way men get all judgmental about things “not being in place,” newsflash men…it happens to you too.  Even at 30, some men sport the ultra-sexy “frog butt” and matching set of “moobs.”

2. Damaged Goods:  As men get older, they collect experiences the same way women do. The thing is, no matter what people say about men not doing the same thing that women do (going a little bit cray cray), they are liars. If men have gone through a marriage, divorce (or two), cheated, been cheated on, it seriously does wonders to their psyche as well (what a shock, they’re human!). Some will be nice and tell you up front that they have “issues” which is great, because it affords you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether or not to continue on. However, most Ol’ G’s have a knack for letting you get about three to six months in before releasing the full levels of crazy. “Oh, your mom wants to basically be in the room with us while we have at it? Cool!”

3. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: With the Ol’ G’s you have to be careful. Those who were scorned, like above, tend to try to “play the field.” The thing is, most of the ones who want to play the field have been sitting on the bench for a while. Most of the need to be this “pimp persona” comes from them feeling old and the desire to feel young and reckless again. So, although your friends are saying things like “you let him do WHAT with you? Oh…that…is gross.” He thinks he’s David Beckham’s lost twin. If this persists, let that splendid super-genius free and see what kind of “hot tail” he picks up. It’s great for a chuckle or ten.

4.  I see your future…and it looks bleak:  There are two types of Ol’ G’s. One wants to settle down right away and build a family. Maybe six months in, things are THERE. The alternative version is more closely related to #3 above. He doesn’t want to commit, because he feels he doesn’t have to. Or, he’s terrified…like the rest of us. He’ll have you move in, then freak out, then move back in…then show you a ring…then when you break up, he’ll sit in your face and say, “you know…I never really saw us getting married. I think that’s what the problem was.”

 

Young Gents:

Often seen as “not together” or immature, can Young Gents sometimes be the better choice when it comes to dating?

Recently I’ve had the good fortune of meeting two young men who sparked my interest. One in particular, and I’m about to essentially explain why. As a matter of fact, he’s the reason that I thought about writing this. Ordinarily, I’d immediately discredit him because he’s younger…but boy, oh boy, have I been pleasantly surprised.

Let’s get to it!

Pro’s:

1.  Tabula Rosa:  Here’s the best thing I’ve learned about younger guys thus far; they’re not jaded, angry, and cynical or automatically expecting the worst. They’re genuine about their actions, their excitement and passion for life and having a good time with all they do. Most of them have had one, maybe two serious relationships in their entire life, thus making them open to new experiences without having a set “type.”  Plus, on a selfish side…you can teach them/mold them into what you’d like them to be without them catching on until it’s too late ( shhhh…don’t tell them).

2.  Are we still keepin’ it real? How are things with a young guy in the boudoir? Can’t say. Don’t know. But I’d expect that it’s probably not as smooth as with someone older. However, they know all the new moves, and I’m sure they’re excitement to go at it…and at it…and it…is probably an epic pro. Again, they’re probably just happy to be doing it on a consistent basis. BUT can they “man up” and be as aggressive, passionate and eh…fun as someone with a few more years of expertise?

3.  Livin’ in the fast lane: Ol’ G’s can be boring because they’re balls deep in “real life.” What’s great about the Young Gents is that they’re up for anything, anytime, anywhere. You want to go rock climbing at 7pm on a Wednesday? DONE! You want to hang out on the couch or go see a movie and just chill? NOT…A…PROBLEM. They can hang home and play the Wii or go to a bar or 12 and live large for the night (because they still have their parent’s credit cards).

4. They care. For real:  Maybe this is too close to #1, but it’s so true. There’s something about them that’s so purely genuine and real it’s almost alarming. You’re not sure whether they’re being sarcastic, or they’re REALLY that nice. Ol’ G’s who text you “So excited to go out tonight!” are probably mocking you. When a Young Gent says, “Can’t wait! It’s going to be a lot of fun,” they are serious and really mean it.

Cons:

1. Training: Sadly, it’s both a positive and a negative to have the opportunity to help mold and shape a young mind. On the negative end of the spectrum, no one wants to date someone they have to teach how to approach a woman.  When younger, it’s difficult to decide if you’re putting out good vibes or getting them back. Sometimes it’s hard to identify whether a Young Gent is flirting with you, interested and just shy…or perhaps being friendly (on a friend level).  It can be a little hard to tell, and embarrassing and frustrating when you as an older (CLEARLY more mature woman…right?) can’t decipher the vibes yourself.

2. Yup. Still keepin’ it real:  Women that like men…like MEN. When out with a Young Gent this weekend, my friends and I were explaining how sometimes we just want someone to take hold of us, throw us on the bed and make things HAPPEN. OOH-WEE, it just got warm in here! He was floored. He had no idea. And then we sort of patted him on the head and continued on about our evening. Young Gents who can bring their “A” game? Well, they’d be unstoppable.

3.  They’re in the fast lane, we’re on the right shoulder: The reality is, we’re older than them and we don’t party as much or as hard. Sometimes we want to be lame. Actually, more often than not I find I’d prefer to spoon my dog on the couch, curl up with a good movie and bucket-o’-wine and hang. I don’t want to fist pump. I don’t want to put on a tiny dress and speak in abbrev’s all-night. “LOL, I’ll BRB, KK?”

4.  Were those your feelings? My bad:  Sometimes in being young, you become a bit overly sensitive. That’s a fact. Call it naiveté, call it being genuine, whatever.  It’s a toughy because you’re in two separate places in life probably. Whether he’s just coming out of school, fresh-faced and ready to greet the world, or just getting his feet wet in the real world…you’re a seasoned vet, and have to be gentle with how you make your approach. The typical “aggressive nature” of someone going after a Young Gent can be misconstrued and can often send them running the other way (in fear).

Regardless of what route you choose to date, take in to consideration that there is no right or wrong. Connections are hard to fight, so if you find you have a real connection with someone…isn’t it better to go for it and take a chance then to let a silly thing like age get in the way? It’s nearly 2012, take some chances, live out loud, and let love in…whether an Ol’ G or a Young Gent!

Office Romances: Are You Crazy For Your Co-Worker?

21 May

“Wow Tim, that’s sooo interesting. Now, TAKE ME!”

Office romances are typically a huge no no…right?  But the reality of the situation, is we can’t help who we like or when our hormones decide to be like, “Oh, heeeey. Guess what? Remember that person you thought was really nice for making those copies for you yesterday? Yes, well…now…you want to bang them.”

So, what happens when you find that you have a crush on someone in your office? If you’re anything like me, you like to take a quick peep around the office to see who you’re working with, and if there are any potential suitors.

I’ve started three jobs in the past YEAR and I can tell you I like to pick my victims…um, I mean…identify the aforementioned individuals from the get go.

The original job I left before moving on to these next THREE only had one hot guy in the company and he was married. While that “fact” was unfortunate, it didn’t stop most of the female employees from gawking at him and his butt carved by the Gods. So we would throw pens on the floor, knock things off his desk, or try to walk behind him in the hallways while silently muttering, “Damn boy, where’d you get that booooooty?” Let’s just put it out there. Sexual harassment exists, and it makes total sense. Five days out of seven, 9 hours of out 24, you spend your time on lock-down with these people. Sometimes, things are going to get a little weird.

So I leave there and move onto my next job. Not a ton of people I can get excited about except one tall drink of water who worked in the marketing analytics department.  I’m not sure why my mind automatically goes to “who can I date,” except that for some weird reason I’m always looking at people like, “are you my next victim? Whoops, I mean a person of interest! I swear!” My only defense is that I guess despite being a 27-year-old woman, mentally I’m a 15-year-old boy. Tall drink o’ water quit and I followed a few weeks later.

The next job I took was at a small company. While interviewing I picked out my company crush right away.  I can mention his name, because he’ll never read this. Marco has a huge personality, which I was totally attracted to from the get go. It didn’t hurt he had dark hair, olive skin, big white teeth and amazing blue eyes. Oh, and did I mention he’s hilarious and speaks Italian? Oh…no?

All true.

It is because of him I realized that sometimes, people get objectified at work. It’s probably because we spend a ton of time with these people, so if by some weird chance you learn to really like them, what can you do? I’m not pro or against office romances. I think it’s a matter of what you can handle. Can you handle if it goes wrong, if you see them flirting with others, ignoring you at the office, etc?

Sometimes it definitely doesn’t feel great when the situation is reversed, but I can appreciate it. At the same job I’m talking about where Marco and I worked together, there was another gentleman whom I won’t mention…but will tell you his story.

For whatever reason, he was very touchy feely…would make comments about spending time together and was also the reason that half of my office found my stand-up comedy video and watched it at work. All he did was Google me really, but no one else was taking the time. Sure, I felt mildly uncomfortable but I can appreciate where he was coming from. To be honest, he may not have liked me all that much outside of work, but inside the work place I was one of the only younger available women.

Regardless, all my focus went to spending as much time downstairs near Marco as possible. It wasn’t until I was talking to a coworker who say, “Aye, Conyo, friend…he is estupid. Lie-k way too dumb for jou. He ees very nice, pero…nada up top my friend.” (I loved her and her amazingly thick accent)

That can happen too.

You may not be suited for this work crush, but what can you do? You’re not thinking logically. All you know is you spend a ton of time with them, they’re sexy, and you’d like to take your relationship to the next level…ya know, swipe the desk clean and get down to business “next level.”

I’m currently working in a place riddled with attractive men. While that should seem like a plus, it’s damn near impossible to get work done, BUT does make work more fun. In addition, it doesn’t help that again…I’m a fifteen year old boy.

The first week I started working here, my friend and I were leaving my apartment building. The only other person in the elevator was a guy who was trying really hard not to listen to us, but couldn’t really help but overhear this conversation…

Friend: “So, it’s a good place, huh? Nice place to work? Lots of guys?”

Me: “Oh, hells yes. This one guy is tall….super mysterious…and super tall. I’d climb him like a jungle gym.”

My friend is laughing, and the guys ears have definitely perked up as a smirk crosses his face.

Friend: “DUDE….are you a dude? I swear, sometimes I’m not sure.”

Me: “What? Sexual harassment exists and I totally get it, because he passes my desk and I think…man…if I didn’t like my job so much I’d sexually harass the hell out of this guy!”

Guy in elevator (who is laughing and shaking his head): “Wow. You ladies…wow. Please, stay this awesome always?”

It’s really difficult, because the office is a great place to get to know someone.

  1. You see their style (how they present themselves)
  2. You get to know their demeanor (laid back, aggressive, funny)
  3. You see their work ethic ( are they driven? Do they continue to succeed?)
  4. They have to show up every day. No canceling like what can happen with a “date,” as it’s pretty much mandatory! (Winning!)

There’s also another side to it though, and that’s the difficulty of trying to make anything work with someone…from work.

  1. If it goes wrong, the water cooler is going to be the most awkward place ever
  2. Maybe they are flirty and chat with many women at work (and you can’t get all crazy on people you work with. Not cute in general, but super offensive at work)
  3. You run the risk of gaining a reputation
  4. People may know all your business about “the business” if you’re not careful

The way office romances have been described to me in terms of go for it versus don’t go for it is that unless you’re absolutely sure something can come from it…do not get drunk at company happy hours or holiday parties and make moves on co-workers. Not worth it for a little boom boom pow that you can get anywhere! ( And being Monday’s gossip!)

I’ve been at this job four months, and the more I learn about people the more I eliminate them as an office crush, which sometimes bums me out.  I love intelligent men…borderline nerdy…or weird. The weirder you are, the more likely I’ll basically propose to you right away.  I am glad though that I’ve been able to eliminate them, because again…it makes work easier for me.

General Outline of Guys

1. Power Player:  He’s an executive. Smart. Connected. A little bit adorable.

Reason crush died:  He’s been involved with several other employees, clearly very comfy with that thought. Essentially, it appears he “travels through women,” and I much prefer to find one “place” and “set up shop.”  (How’s that metaphor working for you?)

2. Artistic Tom:  Artist. Music lover. Borderline hipster, but rides the line right where it’s acceptable. Love, love love an artistic man and in this case, Tom can’t be any better. Anyone who is cultured is right up there with those nerdy men. Watch yourselves!

Reason crush died: Owns a cat.

3. Mayo Man:  Half Israeli. Beautiful smile. Friendly. Tall. Dark. Pretty much perfect…

Reason crush died: Oh wait, it hasn’t.  He’s the kind of guy you want to get to know, want to figure out what’s wrong with them…and do some other things that probably aren’t appropriate to talk about. Seems like a genuinely nice guy (stay tuned; will figure out at the Holiday Party in a week!)

4. Funny Pants: Ok, this one I can’t really defend. There is something undeniably mysterious about this dude. It’s hard to tell if it’s arrogance or just mystery. Tall. Nice hair. Gives me a lot of crap…like…a lot…at work. Teases me. Not sure if it’s playful, or just being who he is.

Reason crush died: Again, can’t explain or defend why this hasn’t died. He’s younger and I’m not really interested in pursuing anything, but he makes me nervous. When he’s around I get stupid, and do things like “duck face.” I can’t help it; he just does something to me!

The bottom line is that everyone looks.

If you think your co-workers don’t check you out, size you up, and try to figure out what your potential might be outside work, you’re wrong. So what do you do? Do you go for it, try to push and see what could happen between you two? Or, do you let it be, go about your work and just enjoy the scenery? Either way, remember that we may feel like we’re adults and should be able to do whatever we want…but in reality, an office romance can wind up in gossip, heartache, frustration and if you’re high up enough…a lawsuit! (Fun, fun, for everyone)

Tread lightly when it comes to office romance, and be sure it’s worth it before you swipe the conference table clean and go for it.

For more on office crushes, peep this amazing article that breaks down the Top 8 Types of Office Crushes from [via http://www.Jobacle.com]!

How To Hit It And Quit It: One Night Stands 101

21 May

 

I never took myself for the kind of person who would enjoy this type of thing. For one thing, I’m a woman, which affords me the amazing opportunity to wildly over invest myself emotionally from the beginning. Another thing, would be that I’m not a huge fan of doing that whole “boom boom pow,” hit it and quit it type of deal. But I understand that many people are a huge fan of what I like to refer to as… the “Drive-Thru” version of a relationship.

You pick out what fast looking joint you want to spend some time inside of, then roll up to their window, make your demands and then pull around. Maybe at most you pay five bucks to pump one lousy drink into them before shouting your “order.” AND…it never looks clean. Seriously. You eat there anyway, because you’re “starving” and “desperate” but it definitely looks like it’s been a long time since someone took
some time to clean this place up.

Regardless, my gentleman friends refer to this as “vagenomics,” and my ladies refer to this as a Friday night.

What is “vagenomics?” It’s the principal that for every “X” amount of women you try your bad lines on, dance next to them when they don’t want it, or do other things that most women in 2011 would deem “whack,” that “y” amount will take your bait and reel you in.

Granted, this “y” amount is a small margin, men do not care. They will try and try until they can prove that “y” is a factor (in their evening).

Need some help identifying if the person you’ve been talking to is ready to head to “the big show?” Here are some good ways to identify the perfect partner for a one night stand.

Prospect: You look over on the dance floor and see a girl who’s dancing sexy with her girls in the middle of the dance floor. Her friends are sort of humoring her, chanting her name, or “get it sexy!” She is whipping around like she’s trying to shake the sadness out of her, and is holding on to her drink in one hand while she knocks back a shot with her friends with one long “woooooooo!”

Probability: If prospect is holding “X” amount of drinks, multiplied by the number of ALL women surrounding her and factoring in her dancing which is divisible by how likely she is to roam free from the group….your chances are pretty good.
1.Women drink for two reasons. Either we’re out celebrating (something as little as a girls night out), or we’re mourning something ( a relationship, friendship, loss of job etc.). Both are extremes, and both really factor in to our decision-making process.
2.If she’s the one in the center being surrounded, that’s your target. She’s out dancing, trying to harness all of the attention which showcases her desire for…MORE attention. And what do you bring as a suitor to this pathetic party? Oh, you guessed it…one night of nothing BUT attention.
3.If she’s pounding a shot and a drink, her friends are trying to liquor her up past reason and she isn’t fighting it…she’s looking to make some bad decisions. You could be that impulse!

Prospect: You’re with your boys, but not really paying attention to anything except the prim and proper hottie in the corner that refuses to make eye contact. At some point, you turn to see a quieter girl hanging in the corner, but she’s admiring you. If you’re not looking for long-term, simply a one night…outta sight….feeeeeeling is sooo right type of deal; you need to keep your eyes peeled. The right signs of body language can let you know whether or not things are going down.

Language to look for:
1. Watching you, but trying to make it look nonchalant

2.Gazing away periodically then giving you those “Do me…right here…” eyes

3.Nonsensical giggling=flirty laughter…if someone is laughing a lot, it’s to show you they are “fun” and “easy going.”

4.Sexy dancing, especially up on their girlfriends. If it’s a guy, look for a lot of “hype” dancing…or…the complete opposite. They may want to come off cool and too refined to dance like Flavor Flav on crack….more crack?

5.Playing with objects that may not have a sexual connotation, but the way they’re playing with it makes you think they’re trying to subliminally tell you something. Women who let their tongue flop onto their straw and take a lonnnnng sip, men who use their fingers to stir their drink than sip it seductively. Kinda gross, no? But it works for some!

Now that you’ve identified your prey, here are a couple of lines that will totally work on whomever you’re after, if they’re looking for a little “Drive-thru lovin’!”

1. I’ve never done this before, but with you…I feel like this is something different.
2. I’ve never done this before, but I’m just going to let it go and have a good time
3. I’ve never done this before, but you’re amazing and I can’t let the night end like
4. I’ve never done this before, but you’re here…and we’re only young once.
5. I’ve never done this before.

How to artfully get out of turning your “Drive-thru relationship” into a full-fledged sit down, five-star, restaurant…and how to do that too, if that’s what you’re into!

It’s not you, it’s just that…

1. You live so far from me, it’s hard to see you as often as I’d like
2. My job is so crazy; I just can’t take on anything else right now.
3. I don’t feel like I can truly offer you what you want right now and what you deserve
4. I’m damaged goods, you don’t want anything to do with me
5. I’ve been hurt so badly before, and I know you have too…let’s not have to worry about hurting each other and just have fun.

NOW….if you’d LIKE to turn your McDonald’s into a Capital Grille situation, here’s how you’d use the same phrases as above to transition into something more substantial.

I’ve been having such a great time with you that…

1. I know we live far apart, but we can share the driving and meet up on the weekends to get to know each other better.
2. Although my job is completely nuts right now, if you can be patient and understanding with me…I’d like to see you again…in the daytime…with your clothes on.
3. I’m not sure I can be what you’re looking for, but I’d like to try.
4. I know we did things backwards by sleeping together so fast, but let’s see if we have chemistry other places…besides the bedroom.
5. I know we’ve both been hurt before, so let’s keep it light and fun until we can evaluate whether it’s worth investing into.

Here’s the rules though…if you decide to just let it be one night, then let it be one night. If you’re going to keep it consistent and keep enjoying each other’s company, make sure you’re both available for the other one. If one wants it, the other should comply if possible. Not fair at ALL to be in a one-sided sexual relationship. “But who would turn down amazing sexy times they claim has been the best they’ve ever had?”
Actually…some do. If you both can’t enjoy it, the “buddy system” fails.

And if by some miracle you two decide to keep the fun going and turn it into a relationship, go for it and truly explore all aspects of the person (clothed, this time!).

Obama Calls Twenty-Something Singles A “Disgrace to America” and “Lepers!”

21 May

Gotcha!

Alright, so that’s not quite true, but it does get you guys to open this! (Don’t sue me, Obama!) Are you finding that everyone around you is practically married and you’re alone? Are your friends all in committed relationships and you can barely commit to what to make
for dinner tonight? Then my friends, I welcome you to “the club.” Our members are comprised of twenty-something’s who for whatever reason have been unable to find their special someone to share life’s joy and misery with.

Fact: We are alone
Fiction: We are lepers
What’s up with that? Why is it we can’t be single and fabulous, single and awesome, or
single and so amazing it’s frightening and people not look at us with pity and disgust?
Fact of the matter is, just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re sad about it. It’s
less to do with the fact we CAN’T date someone, but rather that we choose not to. The
reality is everyone can date “someone” but maybe we’re single because we don’t just
want to date anyone. While it would appear we are desperate and alone to those “on
the inside (our friends in relationships),” we actually are quite content with hangin’ and
bangin’…chillin’ and killin’….hittin’ it and quittin’ it.

How are these puns doing?

Not to say we wouldn’t date people, but we’re selective.

Alright, so maybe the reality is we don’t meet the right people. We meet people who are afflicted (mainly mentally) in one way or another. Maybe, it has to do with the fact we listen to our married friends complain about their relationships so often that we’re so grateful that we have don’t have to answer to anyone at any time…for any reason.

If your married buddy is telling you his old lady sniffs his pants every time he comes home, wants him to give up poker to stay home and watch the Kardashian Circus on repeat and checks his phone to make sure his ex-girlfriend from 1995 isn’t texting…would you be listening on the other end like, “Man, when is this going to happen for me?”

When I have a girlfriend call me and say, “Listen…if Dan calls you, we were together last night watching Bridesmaids. Don’t tell him Tim came over though, because he hates him and he’ll go ballistic.”

Things change when you’re in a relationship and everything and everyone feels the effects. Your plans change, your hobbies change, your attitude changes.

“We love to rollerblade now. We go all the time to our favorite spot where the sushi is
just the best.”

What? What the hell just happened?

Now you “rollerblade?” I can barely get you take a three-minute walk to Walgreens, but you’ll rollerblade 30 minutes to the beach? And you said “WE” three times in two minutes…and I just threw up in my mouth.

When do your thoughts meld as one?

When do you start liking cats although you’re deathly allergic and are wishing for some virus to freakishly wipe out all domesticated cats.

You start doing things you never envisioned, sacrifice the things you once loved because you’re self-conscious your partner may not like it. Sometimes your plans change. Maybe you don’t move somewhere because you met this incredible person, or you move somewhere for some incredible person. Either way, shit changes.

Beyond that, friendships change. We, the single, have to stand there and smile and act happy. It’s not that we’re not happy for you…it’s that we would like the following things to happen when we’re with you and they’re not.

Do not spend the whole time talking about them. ONE minute for each month you two have been together. That’s enough.
Do not answer the phone when they call and talk baby talk and coo and carry on a twenty-minute convo with them while we’re in the car unless it’s an emergency. We, your friends, only get to see you a limited amount of time so pretend like you’re excited to hear about our cats new outfit, or how we got a new outfit, a new fling, or a new poker tournament going on for singles…only.

Lots of friends have significant others that live out-of-town. The hardest thing is when they come into town, because it’s like we suddenly don’t exist anymore. You know why it’s hard? We get used to not having to share you. Then your significant other comes into town and not only do we take a back seat (which is understandable), but it’s like we’re in a car….four cars back…in the trunk, perhaps. This is more our issue, but it
doesn’t feel good regardless!

When you dress alike, it makes me want to punch small animals. When you groom each other in public, it makes me want to punch babies ( who
are already on my shit list to start with).
Fact: Being in a relationship is awesome
Fiction: Being in a relationship is awesome

It goes both ways! This may sound like a rant from a “hater,” but guess what? It’s not. Each of us is guilty of this when we get into a new relationship and go ga-ga for the new significant other we can’t wait to explore. Everybody else matters less than them, because we KNOW everybody else already.

Why being single is awesome:
1. We do what we want

2. No one to answer to

3. Come home as late as we want and climb in bed with whomever we want

4. Getting drunk and naked, as well as crying publicly are more accepted

5.Life is exciting and unpredictable! You never know who you’ll meet, have a little
spontaneous fun with, etc.

What’s awesome about a relationship?
1. Using a 2 for 1 coupons without feeling weird
2. Operating a paddle boat correctly
3. Riding a two-seated bike
4. Can own walkie-talkies and always have someone to talk to
5. Comfortably ride a see-saw

Fact: As we get older, more and more of our friends are getting married
Fact: There is an ass-load of pressure to catch up to them
Fiction: It makes us less awesome that we’ve not “taken the plunge” down the
marriage or baby slide

Like I said above, there is a bit of pressure, right? And here we single people are, standing in front of our refrigerators before dinner thinking…chicken…or fish? Meat…? Then you realize, “I’m single! I can have it all!”

Lots of our twenty-something’s friends have already found their soul mate…or the person they have chosen to torture and make miserable for a certain amount of years before divorcing and taking half their stuff. What is the rush!? Why are people so ring hungry and baby hungry? Don’t they read statistics? If you rush into something, there’s a distinct possibility that you don’t know who these people are. Also, the more TIME
you take to know someone, the better foundation you build for a lasting, successful relationship (duh?).

On a scary note, look at some of these people who are married 25 years before they get murdered by their spouse! Just sayin’…you never fully know someone, but you have a better chance of knowing someone after multiple years rather than months.

“We met and we just knew. We fell in love six months ago and we’re engaged and if I could marry them tomorrow, well…dang-nabit…I would. They’re amazing, they emanate rainbows and ponies and all things sugary and wonderful!”

OF COURSE THEY DO!

It’s been six months! Wait another few months and they’ll gladly peel back their skull, slowly but surely, to start to reveal themselves. But by the time they start to reveal, you’re balls deep in that relationship and suddenly, single life starts to sound pretty, PRETTY appealing.

To my friends in relationships, don’t kid yourselves…enjoy your honeymoon phase for sure, but sooner or later…you’ll be on the phone with us single folk going, “Oh…you’re going to the movies? That’s cool; John and I haven’t been out in weeks. Well, with his mother in town and the cat having explosive diarrhea, we’re sort of stuck. Plus, he starts to hyperventilate when we leave the cat alone for more than an hour anyway, so a three hour movie is totally out of the question.”

America, listen up. We’re not lepers…we’re alone, but while you “couples” progressively
grow more boring, guess what we’re doing? Growing more awesome day by day!

Facebook to Shut Down, Millions of People’s Heads Explode in Fear!

18 May

 

Because sometimes, Facebook can make things “complicated”

Ahhh, I got you bitches good! It doesn’t even feel RIGHT how nervous I probably made a significant group of people feel! Happy mid-year October…fools…day?

But now that I have your attention…

Facebook has it’s way of starting out as a social media tool and then slowly but surely…taking over your life. When I signed up for Facebook it was basic, posting was still fun and hardly scrutinized, and de-friending wasn’t an actual term yet ( which means it was still acceptable).

The larger Facebook and other social media sites continue to get, the more digital drama seems to be happening. What’s the protocol for Facebook? Let’s explore!

Friending and De-Friending (<–both are not actually WORDS, p.s.)

Think back to when you first signed up for your account and who you were friending. At first, it was for people to reconnect to others, right? Those we went to school with when we were kids, people we go to school with now, college friends and classmates.

From there, it spiraled into a debate of…do we friend co-workers? Do we block co-workers? What about teachers? Then it became…block certain information, take down damning pictures and posts and proceed at your own will.

THEN, parents and family members got involved! At that point, I thought…how could this get any more ridiculous? We’re OUT of people to friend. Who do we friend now?

Isn’t it obvious? Why, if you’re a creepy, desperate individual…you sift through your friends, friends, uncles, cousins, college roommates friends and WHAM! It’s like a free dating service!

Why on earth are you friending me with the intention of getting to know me? This may sound completely absurd, but it happens.  Today I’ve been poked three times, by people I do not know, have not known and would prefer to keep it as such.

I just got finished talking to a guy in his late 30′s who friended me and I thought…no big deal. We may have some mutual friends in the community, may be good to network, etc. At no point in time did I think I’d wind up involved with him in any way. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure what his preference was…married…kids….weird…who knows.

Regardless, it appeared like Facebook had started to turn into it’s own sick version of  Plenty of Scum.com ( What I call PlentyOfFish.com). My friend receives (not kidding) HUNDREDS of pokes from random strangers, a TON of messages and friend requests with messages that say, “Hai. You come kiss me I makes wery wery good sex for you. Oh- you haive boifrann?” Not kidding…I saw it!

So here I am, trapped in this bizarre situation. I’m flirting with a stranger, no different than a dating site…I’m being manipulated or wooed or whatever you want to call it and I’m letting it happen. Let’s just say…things go on for a little while…and I do mean a little while, and then I cut it off because it’s clear that while he may be an “adult” by age definition…he’s a manipulative, non-following through jackass who was clearly looking for a little tang tang and found it online…as (I believe) he’s (probably) done before.

Idiot I am, thought “Wow, the way we found each other was so bizarre, maybe something good CAN come from Facebook!”

Clearly…things did not turn out that way, and so I decided ( with the help of everyone in my life, who also can’t stand him) to de-friend him and move forward. On to the next one! Isn’t that the normal thing to do? I figure, he won’t even notice ( since he has to now find another silly woman to replace his Wednesday nights!)…right?

Four days later, I respond to a Facebook post in a group we’re both a part of. A few hours later, I get a phone call where he proclaims he’s a “good guy,” and he “told me upfront what he was capable of.” He then says, “Weirdly enough, I thought we’d set a time to talk (lies) and get things cleared up (mm hmmm) once I saw you online. After I don’t see you online for a few days, I think…maybe  should check and see if her profile says anything. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I have to RE-friend you!”

To be honest? I think being in the mutual group and seeing my post made him go…”Oh yeah! That girl I scammed. What’s that hoe up to?”

After we “talked,” nothing was resolved in my opinion. I wound up accepting the friend request, because I’m an idiot, and because I wasn’t sure what the protocol is there? He thinks things are resolved, I feel a lot of anger for what Facebook helped him get (me). And for what I allowed of course.

When is it ok to de-friend? Not accept a friend request? Or block?

As far as using Facebook as a dating site? Stop it. It’s more pathetic than JDate,MatchE-Harmony AND Plenty of Fish rolled into one sleazy ball of GROSS.

Some terms do NOT have an alternative meaning!

Commenting on Statuses  (PAY ATTENTION, older community!)

There’s something to be said for having people of all ages on Facebook. It can be wonderful, but disturbing when someone who doesn’t understand a comment…wants to comment on top of that for all 1,000 of your friends to see.

Take this example:

Last week, an  older gentleman (who is awesome) in my apartment building had his 21 year old son coming to visit and wanted to hook me up with him. Legitimately, my status erupted into a Cirque D’ Facebook and suddenly I had 25 comments on whether to “do it” or not.

Among them, a friend of mine says, “OH do it. Being with a younger guy is amazing, and they can teach you how to do things…like new fun drinking games! Then, they’ll still go out, party and fist pump with you!”

My mother’s friend and my stand-up comedy teacher (also older) reply:

“Fist pumping??????” and “Is fist pumping code for an obscene act!? If so, please describe it and please be graphic!”

BEST PART?

My MOM texts me…

“Hi honey. Looking at the thread on Facebook! How funny! But…isn’t fist pumping a gay thing!?”

 

If you’re lost in translation, stay away from the status. Seriously. While it made for an extreme amount of entertainment, it was also mildly embarrassing.

 

“So keep on flexin’ and your arms t-rexin’ and do the creep!”

In Regards to Being a Creep

Just stop it. You stop it already! I don’t want to have a phone conversation with you and hear, “Ah yeah bro. I saw that on your status last week. Too funny man!” or “How’s that weird rash coming along?”

No one likes a creeper. No one….seriously.

 

Tighten up, America. It’s time to get our Facebook guidelines in check! Go out and mingle with people, stop trying to be digital sexual predators and live your life one time!

Can I Holla? They Had Dumps Like a Truck, Truck, Truck.

18 May

Dumps like a truck, truck, truck…yelling like what, what, what?

 

I’d love to sit here and give you a reference point of a website, person, professional relationship expert or otherwise that has mentioned the top worst place to pick up women. However, since I’m both too lazy to find the site, and feel as though I can provide a more apt list…here we go.

Among the worst places to pick up women, I’d say few are worse than the following:

1. A funeral:  Despite what Will Ferrel did in Wedding Crashers, picking up chicks at a funeral is a big fail.  Nothing hot being surrounded by death. “Grandmas stiff…and so am I”

2.  A rest stop:  Actually, any kind of traveling stop…ever. Mainly, because you’ll never see them again.  Unless you’re looking for a little temporary boom boom pow, stay away from “love on the run.”

3. Mowing the lawn/ working in the yard/ crossing the street: When you’re in front of your house or walking about town and  a car drives past you hollering ridiculous things…it’s annoying. “I see you plowing those flowers, girrrrrrrl. I’m jealous! Come over here and plow me!”

4.  Getting a massage: They’re wrist deep in your muscle tissue…but they’d like to be deeper and more “in touch.” Nothing is more bizarre than being stark naked, getting a rub down, and having someone try to holler at you by whispering in your ear as they massage your neck and tush. (Actually, sounds a lot like my Saturday nights).

The worst, and most recent encounter I’ve had is the fifth most offensive place to be hit on…the gas station.

It’s 8am and I’m rushing to get to work, only to hop in my car and discover that I need gas. I pull into the station, and start to pump my gas and lean against my car. I had a meeting that day, so I’m dressed in a long-sleeved button down and long pants, completely covered.

All of a sudden I hear… “AY…GUHL”

Are they talking to me, I think? No…I’m crazy.

GUHL! YO! GUHL…IN DA PINK!”

Shit. They’re talking to me…ok, don’t panic. Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic…and don’t turn around.

“GUHL YOU FINE AS HELL, GUHL. Turn around, boo! Turn around.”

I’m not responding, and I’m shocked this is happening…so I keep my hand on the gas nozzle. I guess my ignoring them is frustrating, so they start getting more specific…

“Yo..lissen…guhl, in the pink and white shirt, with the green car…on the real…you fine. Look at that booty! YOU STACKED LIKE A SISTAH!”

Is this happening? I’m trying to coax the pump to dispel the gas faster…so, like an idiot…I’m SHAKING the hose.

“GUHL, OH GUUUUUHL…I bet you handle that black hose well! Would love to see just how well, GUHLLLLLLLL.

At this point, all I’m thinking is, “WHEN THE HELL WILL THAT LIGHT THEY ARE SITTING AT TURN GREEN?”

So I turn around for maybe 2.5 seconds, to get a look at whomever has been screaming at me for the past 5 minutes and it turns out, it’s 4 men in a dump truck!

“GUHL…YOU TAKE CARE…WITH YO FINE SELF.”

They drive off and I wonder…does that ever work? For anyone? Have you ever heard of a story where you ask, “Oh, where did you two meet?” And someone replies, “Well, funniest thing. Chad was stopped at the stop light while I was pumping gas and he just “hollered” at me and I thought, WOW…that takes a lot.”

Seriously, if you’re a “Can I holla?” success story, please let me know!