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A Lesson on the “The Letdown Chat”

11 Jun

 

 

Ahh, a first date. So much goes into the making.

If you’re part of the online dating scene, you know the protocol:

1. Contact them online

2. Wait for response

3. Get their response, and then make them wait extra time to hear a response because we’re “very busy”

4. Determine whether or not there is enough in common to look past their love for cats, quoting Scarface (which never gets old), and that their favorite food is corned beef and cabbage.

5. Finally, you decide to go out and meet them. Take the leap. The plunge. The final nail in the “will you be the one I can stand for more than one date” coffin.

Meeting a new prospect is always intimidating. You have no idea who you’re really going to meet. Sure, their pictures look respectable and you may click a thousand percent on the phone or via text, but that doesn’t mean that in person things will be so easy.

If all goes well, you both click. It’s an evening full of laughter and easy conversation, drinks and happiness and puppies, kittens and ponies.

If it so happens you two meet, you know within the first five minutes whether things are going to work out or not. We’re all relatively smart, we can feel it. Sometimes we sit through the entire date, let the person tell us about their occasional coke habit, let them call you chubby because “HEY, I AM TOO!” and really let themselves make an ass of themselves.

So you drink, eat, conversate, then leave. If it’s been a day or so and you don’t hear anything and don’t feel compelled to chat with them…the point is pretty much moot. It didn’t work out in real life. If you two could have a total text relationship, holy shit, you two would rock the face off relationships. However, sadly, you cannot solely exist in an online realm.

What really chaps my ass, is when two days later, you get “The letdown chat.” It’s that moment where the other person just wants to say hi, they had a great time, but…

1. I’ve been hurt too much lately to get into something new

2. I think we’d make better friends

3. You kiss like my grandfather ( those were very confusing times)

4. If you want to keep it casual, just sex and stuff, I could swing that…but emotional investment? Naaaah

5. I just generally don’t like your face…that’s it. Really.

People are putting way too much pressure on the first time. Just like most “firsts” in your relationship, they may not rock right off the bat. If the person you weren’t really vibing with is sending texts, asking “when am I going to see you next?” etc., THEN I could understand “the letdown chat.” When there is no communication for several days, and YOU bring it up? Well, then you’re just the worst kind of person.

Problems with “the letdown chat:”

1. It never starts off with a, “What did you think? Were you into it?”

That could save so much time and embarrassment. If you didn’t like me, solid chance that I felt similarly. Why not ask before you arrogantly give me one of your famous talks?

2. It’s choc full of backhanded compliments

“No it’s just, you have an amazing personality…and if this were a few months ago and I felt like dating a lagoon creature, I’d be ALL about this.”

“It’s really that I’m not ready. I’m not over my ex, but I thought I’d try a dating site and see other people in the meantime. If I WAS up for dating, trust me, it’d be you.”

“Your warm embrace and short arms remind me of a t-rex, and t-rex’s are MY FAVORITE dinosaur!”

“I’d totally tear you a part…but that’s all I can handle right now. That cool?”

 

Maybe stop for a second and consider…was I the only one feeling this? Perhaps they weren’t really vibing with me either. BUT NO, how could they NOT vibe with me? For all I am all that is awesome.

“The letdown chat” should be done on mutual grounds. It shouldn’t be brought up out of nowhere, all cavalier and such, and it shouldn’t be based on assuming that the one you’re letting down will in fact feel…let down.

If we don’t speak for two days, don’t feel compelled to let me know how sorry you are it won’t work out. Chances are, I feel similarly and will not be lying in my bathtub later with a jug o’wine, listening to Dido and trying to not put the razor to my wrist. Just because your mother says you’re perfect, doesn’t always mean it’s true 😉

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How To Hit It And Quit It: One Night Stands 101

21 May

 

I never took myself for the kind of person who would enjoy this type of thing. For one thing, I’m a woman, which affords me the amazing opportunity to wildly over invest myself emotionally from the beginning. Another thing, would be that I’m not a huge fan of doing that whole “boom boom pow,” hit it and quit it type of deal. But I understand that many people are a huge fan of what I like to refer to as… the “Drive-Thru” version of a relationship.

You pick out what fast looking joint you want to spend some time inside of, then roll up to their window, make your demands and then pull around. Maybe at most you pay five bucks to pump one lousy drink into them before shouting your “order.” AND…it never looks clean. Seriously. You eat there anyway, because you’re “starving” and “desperate” but it definitely looks like it’s been a long time since someone took
some time to clean this place up.

Regardless, my gentleman friends refer to this as “vagenomics,” and my ladies refer to this as a Friday night.

What is “vagenomics?” It’s the principal that for every “X” amount of women you try your bad lines on, dance next to them when they don’t want it, or do other things that most women in 2011 would deem “whack,” that “y” amount will take your bait and reel you in.

Granted, this “y” amount is a small margin, men do not care. They will try and try until they can prove that “y” is a factor (in their evening).

Need some help identifying if the person you’ve been talking to is ready to head to “the big show?” Here are some good ways to identify the perfect partner for a one night stand.

Prospect: You look over on the dance floor and see a girl who’s dancing sexy with her girls in the middle of the dance floor. Her friends are sort of humoring her, chanting her name, or “get it sexy!” She is whipping around like she’s trying to shake the sadness out of her, and is holding on to her drink in one hand while she knocks back a shot with her friends with one long “woooooooo!”

Probability: If prospect is holding “X” amount of drinks, multiplied by the number of ALL women surrounding her and factoring in her dancing which is divisible by how likely she is to roam free from the group….your chances are pretty good.
1.Women drink for two reasons. Either we’re out celebrating (something as little as a girls night out), or we’re mourning something ( a relationship, friendship, loss of job etc.). Both are extremes, and both really factor in to our decision-making process.
2.If she’s the one in the center being surrounded, that’s your target. She’s out dancing, trying to harness all of the attention which showcases her desire for…MORE attention. And what do you bring as a suitor to this pathetic party? Oh, you guessed it…one night of nothing BUT attention.
3.If she’s pounding a shot and a drink, her friends are trying to liquor her up past reason and she isn’t fighting it…she’s looking to make some bad decisions. You could be that impulse!

Prospect: You’re with your boys, but not really paying attention to anything except the prim and proper hottie in the corner that refuses to make eye contact. At some point, you turn to see a quieter girl hanging in the corner, but she’s admiring you. If you’re not looking for long-term, simply a one night…outta sight….feeeeeeling is sooo right type of deal; you need to keep your eyes peeled. The right signs of body language can let you know whether or not things are going down.

Language to look for:
1. Watching you, but trying to make it look nonchalant

2.Gazing away periodically then giving you those “Do me…right here…” eyes

3.Nonsensical giggling=flirty laughter…if someone is laughing a lot, it’s to show you they are “fun” and “easy going.”

4.Sexy dancing, especially up on their girlfriends. If it’s a guy, look for a lot of “hype” dancing…or…the complete opposite. They may want to come off cool and too refined to dance like Flavor Flav on crack….more crack?

5.Playing with objects that may not have a sexual connotation, but the way they’re playing with it makes you think they’re trying to subliminally tell you something. Women who let their tongue flop onto their straw and take a lonnnnng sip, men who use their fingers to stir their drink than sip it seductively. Kinda gross, no? But it works for some!

Now that you’ve identified your prey, here are a couple of lines that will totally work on whomever you’re after, if they’re looking for a little “Drive-thru lovin’!”

1. I’ve never done this before, but with you…I feel like this is something different.
2. I’ve never done this before, but I’m just going to let it go and have a good time
3. I’ve never done this before, but you’re amazing and I can’t let the night end like
4. I’ve never done this before, but you’re here…and we’re only young once.
5. I’ve never done this before.

How to artfully get out of turning your “Drive-thru relationship” into a full-fledged sit down, five-star, restaurant…and how to do that too, if that’s what you’re into!

It’s not you, it’s just that…

1. You live so far from me, it’s hard to see you as often as I’d like
2. My job is so crazy; I just can’t take on anything else right now.
3. I don’t feel like I can truly offer you what you want right now and what you deserve
4. I’m damaged goods, you don’t want anything to do with me
5. I’ve been hurt so badly before, and I know you have too…let’s not have to worry about hurting each other and just have fun.

NOW….if you’d LIKE to turn your McDonald’s into a Capital Grille situation, here’s how you’d use the same phrases as above to transition into something more substantial.

I’ve been having such a great time with you that…

1. I know we live far apart, but we can share the driving and meet up on the weekends to get to know each other better.
2. Although my job is completely nuts right now, if you can be patient and understanding with me…I’d like to see you again…in the daytime…with your clothes on.
3. I’m not sure I can be what you’re looking for, but I’d like to try.
4. I know we did things backwards by sleeping together so fast, but let’s see if we have chemistry other places…besides the bedroom.
5. I know we’ve both been hurt before, so let’s keep it light and fun until we can evaluate whether it’s worth investing into.

Here’s the rules though…if you decide to just let it be one night, then let it be one night. If you’re going to keep it consistent and keep enjoying each other’s company, make sure you’re both available for the other one. If one wants it, the other should comply if possible. Not fair at ALL to be in a one-sided sexual relationship. “But who would turn down amazing sexy times they claim has been the best they’ve ever had?”
Actually…some do. If you both can’t enjoy it, the “buddy system” fails.

And if by some miracle you two decide to keep the fun going and turn it into a relationship, go for it and truly explore all aspects of the person (clothed, this time!).

How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

M&M: A Therapeutic Story

17 May

 

 

I’ve decided to join a Jewish monastery.

OH, they don’t exist you say?  Well then I’m going to create one, dedicate myself to Moses…you know, the works! Tack that on to my list of “things to do.” If the experiences I’ve had up until this point have not given you reason enough to believe me, I’d like to present you with yet another experience: M&M (*All names changed)

M&M seemed awesome “on paper.” With eloquent communication laced with humor and ingenuity, not to mention a weird love for Will Ferrell that not everyone can always appreciate, M&M appeared to be my kind of guy.

When we talked for a bit, his emails were full of wit and flattery, even the title’s had  personality! After finding out that I’m getting my Masters, the title’s became: Ally, Master of Kickassery…which anyone who knows me knows that I ate that up…with a spoon… a big ladle, in fact.

He’s cute, with great teeth and curly hair, which I go gaga for. Perhaps I’m biased, who knows. He is precious in a baby-faced kind of way that you start to think wow, you can’t be 31! But then you get closer and realize oh yeah…it’s possible. Now anyone that knows me, also knows that I never choose boyfriends through what they look like. My type is often referred to as lagoon creatures and as my one friend put it recently…swamp monkeys.  It’s always about the connection. Usually the quickest way to speak to my heart is laugh at my jokes. Laugh hard and seem sincere. I love that. But this seemed like maybe…just maybe…I was in the presence of a mythical unicorn.

Side Note: My friends and I define the “man of our dreams” as a mythical unicorn. It’s something we’ve heard a lot about, but cannot seem to find, no matter how many people claim to have empirical evidence they exist.

M&M is talking about Nirvana and The Toadies…we’re having this fabulous night. Out of nowhere this older man with way to many Backstreet Boy highlights steps over to chat with us. He explains he’s here with his ex-wife, who’s “hot, right?” But she’s having problems with her 21 year old boyfriend…mainly because she’s 45.  On the other hand, this guys  girlfriend works at the fire station with him (clearly by now you’ve realized they’re fire…people? Sorry for leaving that out).

Raul is his name, and he and his 22-year-old girlfriend are in love. They make porno together and discuss all things fire, integrating fire into foreplay if they get the chance.  M&M is a government worker, so Raul becomes an automatic “bro”, engaging him in conversation, laughing, making jokes and crank calling government officials. He keeps looking over at me, going “ M&M…bro this girl….is a cool chick. I can just tell. A badass, cute, cool chick.” I’m like…thank you Raul, so nice of you to say, etc…

Pretty soon M&M leaves to go to the bathroom and I’m left alone with Raul who leans over to me and  says, ”You going home with him tonight?”

“No,” I reply, trying to avert my eyes and give him the hint I’m not interested in pursuing this conversation any longer. “Oh C’mon…go home with him…ride him a little. What would it hurt?”

All I’m thinking is…of course this would happen. Why not? If I didn’t have bad luck with dating, I wouldn’t date at all.

At that moment, Raul leans over and says…”You know, if you weren’t going home with M&M tonight, you’d be going home with me.” I whipped around, looked him dead in the eye and said…”You know Raul…I think I’m a bit too old for you.  I’m 25 after-all…Plus, I can’t film any porno’s… anymore…without a donkey, three chimps and a dominatrix present. Sorry.”

M&M sauntered back into the bar and at this point I’m ready to go.

He can pick up on the weird look I’m giving him, mainly because I have a terrible poker face…and I’m trying my best to subtly give him the let’s kindly get the fuck out of here now look.

Long story short..er (than what I’d normal give you, which is the painful play by play), we leave and head somewhere else. At this point he divulges he had 8 cats at one time, now he has 3. If that’s not weird enough at 31 to have 8 cats…I could keep going. While at the bar, he mentions to me…you know, your last name doesn’t sound very Jewish. I mention that it’s actually my middle name that is my “family” name with the Romanian/Jewish background. Upon hearing my middle name he pauses for a second…like something clicked with him….which I would never have thought twice about…..until this moment…..

After our date I decided I wasn’t into it. So I started ignoring phone calls and trying not to get too involved. A week or so later, I get a text…he’s had a hard day and needs to talk to someone. Being an idiot, I cave and say alright, tell me what happened and lets see if we can find a solution. He thanks me, tells me he feels much better and while he’s in a sharing mood….he has something to tell me.

Him: “Do you want to know a secret?”

Me: “Uhm….sure?”

Him: “No really, do you want to know?”

I’m getting irritated.

Me: “YES…just tell me!”

Him: “Jody Finkle knows a lot about me”

At this point some things are starting to come together…Jodie Finkle is my Aunt,  who is a Psychiatrist.

Me: “JODIE FINKLE? I don’t remember telling you my aunts name…”

Him: “You didn’t.”

Turns out, he was one of my Aunt’s clients…fabulous.

Anyone ready to start that monastery?

No?

Well, how about this:  M&M II, the reckoning

When my interest in M&M began to dissipate, I began to pull away, as most people do. I always wondered what could have been between he and I, had things of gone differently, and thought maybe I had been to hard on M&M. Too judgmental. So what he goes to therapy, who doesn’t? At least he was willing to confront the issues he’s facing, the walls he’s placed around himself and try to get a grip on reality, right?

My mom would say, “How weird would it be for him to come to a family gathering, knowing full well your Aunt knows everything there is to know about him?

Admittedly? Super weird. SO when I heard from M&M a few months ago, I was a little surprised to find myself a little curious to see why he was brought back into my life. At the very least, I’d have another winning story…and at the most? Well, sky was the limit.

Email number one:

“Dear Ally, Master of Kickassery,

Are you still kicking ass and being awesome? Have you forgtton me, moved to NY and become famous? If not…I’d love to talk to you, as I’m not sure what ever really happened and I think about it a lot. It’d be great to see that hair, and that smile. So tell me…How does one become a Master of Kickassery himself, or at the very least…take one to dinner.

Hope to talk soon,

M&M”

Alright, that’s a pretty damn good email, am I right!?

So I cave…we chat, try to start again and see if maybe we DID have something…DO have something. The issue was, he was going to China for two weeks. No real explanation why at first, but he was leaving in two days and HAD TO SEE ME IMMEDIATELY.

NO,” I tell him. “We’ve waited this long to see each other, don’t worry about it. We’ll chat, email, whatever until you get back and then we’ll do things again, from the beginning…the right way.”

He leaves for two weeks. Over the next two weeks, I get emails of half his head in front of monuments, weird foods, fun stuff…anything. By the time he returns, he’s been cultivating our meeting for nearly three weeks now.

When he returns, he wants to see me immediately but I had plans with a friend, so I invite him to join us at the movies. He’s polite, generous…all things are a go.

In the movie, he starts getting…touchy. It’s not like the previous post about “Dan” from the movie theater. This is more like a nervous touch. He’s rubbing my arms, his palm intertwined with mine…hot and wet.

After the movie, my friend and her boyfriend leave and we go to get a drink. I thought…things are good. He is good. We’ll have no trouble alone. Now may be a great time to mention that the first time around, I did see him more than one time. Things also happened that indicated he and I wouldn’t be a great match…in some areas…I hope you’re following this, because I feel too guilty to write it out. Regardless of what happened, I’m wiling to see if maybe it will head that way again down the road and maybe things will be fine. I’m enjoying myself and just want to focus on that.

He walks me to my car, kisses me like a Saint Bernard who rubs his big watery jowls on your leg as he brushes by and says, “I’m so glad we did this. I wasn’t sure what happened, if maybe I came on too strong…or geez, I don’t know. I thought you weren’t calling me because maybe I have a small penis…or something!”

It took him 3 weeks to cultivate something he ruined in 3 hours…the good news is, I know someone who can talk him through it!

Dan, Dan, The Wacko Man!

16 May

Ever Feel Surrounded By A Bunch of Clowns?

 

 

Sometimes it  feels as though I am participating in the “Bad Decision Olympics,” where I am the reigning Gold Medalist. I’d like to share another moment in dating hell, with my most recent fail…Dan. (* Just a reminder, all names have been changed).

A while ago, I met Dan. We started talking on the phone and texting nearly every day and although I wasn’t really prepared for anything serious, it was obvious that he wasn’t going anywhere without a fight…which I kind of liked, as it’s been a while since anyone of substance has come along. He is educated, driven, seemed pretty compassionate and genuine, etc. It probably didn’t hurt his case that he has a beautiful upper body and pearly white teeth…just sayin’. After talking to him for a few days, the comments started getting a bit weird…er.

I understand that people are marrying early and we are feeling a bit of societal pressure at 26, (like we’re lepers for not settling down by this point) but I’m never one to just meet someone and say any of the following things:

1. “So, are you going to be my baby?”

2. “I just need you in my life, and I know that…without a doubt.”

3.“I just think you’re a good influence in my life, and you’d be positive to have around.”

Those all seem like very sweet, endearing things for people who’ve been dating a little more than not at all. How can you possibly know that those things will be true without a bit more investigation? Maybe I’ve been hiding a secret identity, and I’ll rip off a body suit to reveal I’m a 350lb lagoon creature.

MAYBE I’m serial killer who loves to kill afflicted men. OR…MAYBE…I’m a code five clinger, who loves to snort coke and likes to dress my cats in funny outfits and film them. My point is, that it’s off putting to hear things like that right off the bat.

Dan and I were going on a date to go see The A-Team. I understand that the movies are kind of a stupid date to choose to go on when you’re still getting to know one another. But I chose the movies for that reason. I felt pressured to see him, because he was SO pushy. After a day at work from 8-5 where people constantly talk your ears off, why would you want to go and have someone talk your ears off for another few hours?

Look, I’m sure if I was “really” interested, it wouldn’t matter. I’d welcome the chatter, getting to know each other and enjoying a flirtatious flutter of the eyes back and forth. Dan wanted to go bowling, go for dinner, go somewhere. “Movies are fine,” I tell him. “I’m bad at bowling, I’ve just had dinner and again..I’m a horrible bowler.” On the way there, I start getting this bad feeling. What’s funny is my friends will tell you that I’m rarely off base with these instincts. They usually manifest themselves through soreness deep in my gut, saying, “hey….hey dumbass…this? This right here…? This is going to end HORRIBLY.”

Clearly, I don’t listen, pulling into the theatre fifteen minutes before it starts. I can see Dan from the car, although he can’t see me. He’s pacing a bit and seems frustrated, but when he sees me a big smile flashes across his face. We hug and he tells me he’s bought the tickets. “He’s not so bad,” I think to myself as we walk towards the theatre.

As we enter, he turns back and says “Goodnight Sophie.” Ehm…? Wherever Sophie is, she’s clearly not responding. “GOODNIGHT SOPHIE,” he says louder and sort of pauses for effect. I look over to see this girl hanging out on the pillar. She seems less than enthralled that he’s speaking to her and has a mild look of discontent and panic. He starts to explain, “Oh! She was waiting on her boyfriend and I was waiting on you, so we kept each other company since it’s a bit sketchy out here.”

We go inside…time to pick the seats… I like to sit near the bar so I can put my feet up and there are no big heads obstructing my view. He doesn’t argue and just asks that we sit in the middle, where these two girls have their feet on the seats. “Don’t worry, they won’t have them there for long,” he replies. I sit down immediately already embarrassed and praying there will be no confrontation…the movie hasn’t even started. “Hey ladies,” he starts. “Now don’t go kicking our chairs during this movie, ya hear me?” The ladies are giggling. They think he’s joking. “Oh don’t worry,” one replies. “I think I broke my toe before we came in here.” “Oh really?” he says, and starts rummaging around in his wallet. He hands them his medical sales card and they coo.  Right when I think we’re in the safe zone, I hear him start telling them… “We’re on a date. So please…don’t kick the chair.”

He sits down and says to me…

Dan: “Did you knock a couple back before you came?”

Me: “I’m sorry…what?” I’m staring at him blankly, like…did you really just ask that?

Dan: “Did you have a couple drinks? I mean hell, that’s what I would do…” (He’s unable to drink).

Me: “No, I didn’t…why, does it seem like I have?”

From there things got really ridiculous and if I sat here and did a full detailed recount, you’d be here for ten pages, guaranteed. I’ll highlight.

Dan: “Don’t take anything I say or do seriously tonight, ok?” Famous last words.

You know that point in the bad situation when you’re like… “uh oh.” While externally I said, “Ehm…okay…?” Internally I was saying, “HOLY SHIT, WAY TO STEP IN A PILE OF  HOT MOLTON CRAZY. GREAT JOB!”

It appears the fact of the matter is, I never learn. Ever. Body language is important on a date. If my legs are crossed away from you, if my arms are folded, my hands are on my purse and I’m intently watching the movie, I have just given you the universal signs of “don’t touch me.” Had I of left my hand out for you to grab, placed my purse in the seat next to you, crossed my legs towards you and leaned over a bit…that means “GO.” The other way means “NO.”

Dan had evidently never heard of that general rule of thumb. I’m sure that the A-Team would’ve been a great movie, but I really didn’t get to spend a lot of time watching it, as I was more concerned that every time Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel kissed, I’d be attacked. I started dreading the love scenes. Every tacky move that could’ve been made was done. He picked up his cell phone, texted, talked to strangers, was loud and wanted to have a conversation throughout the movie.

BUT most offensive of all was THE BEST MOVE in the history of tacky moves:

“The Quest for Boobtown”

The 2 part quest:

1. He removes his watch methodically, then drops it down my shirt before attempting to FISH IT OUT.

2. He keeps trying to hold my hand but stretches his arm across me so I have to continuously keep moving his hand so he doesn’t rest it on my chest.

At one point he actually tried to lay his head on my chest….when I kept moving his hands and head, he finally turns to me and says, “ why are you so uptight?!”

“I’m not uptight,” I reply calmly, a little shaken up from the shock of his actions. I really can’t remember a time I’ve been more disrespected publicly. Although you say to yourself, “If something like that ever happened to me, I’d punch him in the face,” it changes when it happens to you and you’re in the moment. I thought that had answered the question sufficiently, but then right at a climactic point in the movie he turns to me and raises his voice… “OH LET ME GUESS…YOU’VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, RIGHT? AND NOOOOOOOOOW…I’M PAYING THE PRICE?”

I had nothing to say, mainly because how do you answer that…mid movie, with now the entire theatre no longer paying attention to the movie they’ve paid for, but rather your conversation with a crazy person. At that moment, you can feel the sympathy radiating, hear the women going “poor girl,” and I can feel my jaw clenching, fists tightening and tears trying to fight their way forward. “I’LL TAKE THAT AS A GIANT YES,” he screams. I had enough, but refused to get angry as we’re still in public, and I’m still a lady… of some sort.

Me: “Take it however you want to. Just leave it alone, and leave me alone.”

Dan: “SO…YES,” raising his voice over the climactic moments of A-Team.

Me: “Think whatever you want.”

After that, it was as if he had never snapped. He returned to trying to caress my hand, tell me how into me he was, etc.

Dan: “I’m going to go get a soda, want anything?”

Me: “No.”

He leaves and I text my mom and a friend of mine. I text: “awful. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Just went for a diet coke, hope he doesn’t come back.” But he did. With a large diet coke and large popcorn, both of which he finished then proceeded “release” the popcorn and soda back…out both ends. It felt like a cosmic joke…this kid couldn’t be serious? But he was.

Finally the movie ends and he walks me to my car, which I cannot get into fast enough. Before I even get home he’s called twice and left three texts.  We never spoke after that, and in truth, it  seriously rocked me so much that it took me a minute to get to a point where I could write it down.

But wait, there’s more…

About two months after the ordeal,  I get a friend request from a girl name Sandy. For some reason, I accept her friendship thinking I must know her from somewhere.  Something about her looks weirdly familiar, but I’m not sure I’m not crazy. I let it go and figure if nothing else, she’ll just be one of the other Facebook friends that I have that I don’t “know.” A week ago, I signed on to Facebook and my chat popped up immediately…it was Sandy.

Sandy: “Hey,” she says.

Me: “Hey, do I know you?”

Sandy: “Can I ask you something, and can we keep it just between you and I?”

Me: “Of course,” I reply, thinking…I don’t really know you, so what does it matter? And, you didn’t really answer my question, which would actually be telling of how the rest of the conversation would go.

Sandy: “How do you know Dan Smith? From CL?”

Me: “What’s CL?”

Sandy: “Craigslist,” she replied and my face automatically went into a highly grossed up, perplexed contortion.

Me: “Um no, not from…Craigslist,” I reply trying to suppress the disgust seeping up from my tummy and into my throat.

Sandy: “GREAT,” she says. “That tells me that he’s really out there trying to look for something/someone else.”

And so we spoke about Dan for about 30 minutes. She asked what happened and what my experience was. I tell her bits and pieces, but am still withholding because I’m not sure how she knew to find me on Facebook. Apparently, she met him off of “CL,” and then proceeded to have a plethora of strange experiences with him. He stood her up, she said she toyed with his emotions but eventually felt bad and met up with him. They went back to “his” house and he tried to get her to do stuff but she said she “doesn’t do THAT because it’s trashy.”

She said that it was time to consider not speaking to him, to which I reply he’s been blocked on my end for a while and that in my opinion, he’s not a hundred percent there and she should stop communication. While we’re talking, something occurred to me…the same thing I mentioned above…how on EARTH did she figure out who I was and how did she know how to get a hold of me? While she continues to talk to me, I decide to go to his Facebook page and see if they’re friends. Something just started to feel weird…I know, imagine that.

Turns out they’re not even Facebook friends. Which leads me to believe he clearly told her to contact me and ask why I’d not responded. ANOTHER thing occurs me…she looks EXACTLY like the girl that was at the movies that night, standing on the pillar (SOPHIE…remember?). Turns out, the crazy just keeps getting crazier. By the time I went to ask her how she knew to find me and confront her to see whether or not that was her that night…she disappeared off Facebook entirely.

SCARY, CRAZY and yet…typical.

Nothing Like A Nude…Oops, NEW Relationship!

16 May

You like? I like.

 

I’m 90% sure the sole reason I continue to date is for the continuous stream of free material. Terrible? Maybe. Worse for me to immerse myself in these awkward situations then for you to read them? Let’s hope! I wish I could say I’m dating because I’m interested in starting something again, but anyone who’s been around me for more than five minutes knows that although I’ve recently ended a relationship…a serious one…I’m not particularly ready to eh…date again. So instead I’ve been occupying my time with casual dating in the hopes that one of these delightful gentlemen will surprise me, and I’ll wind up really liking someone by accident.

Recently I wound up chatting with someone who I have had a little bit of genuine interest in. Not only is he educated, in a great place job and life-wise, but he looks a lot like an old crush of mine from middle school. This is about to get disturbing…but I loved that he spoke another language (H-O-T) and that he literally looked like this other guy almost EXACTLY. Perfect fantasy-to-reality love story right there!

So he happens to call me on Sunday, and asks for a last-minute date and I’m super excited, as he’s again…one of the only people I’ve even had any remote interest in for some time. “Sure, I’d love to meet up! Where and when?” He’s not from South Florida originally, but he happens to pick this classy wine bar that’s on the beach in Fort Lauderdale. Great start.

I head in to find him and wow does he look like my middle school love. Now I’m really excited, as he’s not a lagoon creature (a term for the highly unattractive and misshapen) and he’s turning out to be rather well put together. As we finish our bottle of wine, he continues to tell me a little bit more about him, and we’re hitting it off! We begin talking about traveling, and he’s impressed that I’ve seem most of the U.S. by car. “Wow, that’s great! When I was driving down from Canada to move here, I passed through a few places but nowhere for long enough to explore. My favorite trip was to Spain and France, where my friends stopped off at this nude beach.”

Suddenly, I’m thrown off.

MENlisten carefullyMAJOR turn off…talking about sexual things via phone prior to first date, or ON the first date.

Me: “So did you…enjoy the nude beach…?”

Him: “Well, I wasn’t going to do it, but all my friends were doing it! SO I just took my pants off and voila (the other language he speaks fluently is French…just saying….hot).”

Me: “Wow…pretty adventurous. How was that?”

At this point I’m not really willing to be affected by this. He seems about 90% normal, why care that he is confident enough to drop his pants in public? If he’s willing to do that…his eh…”confidence” must be pretty…huge. Next question was in regards to the South Beach nude beach, to which I reply that I know it exists but would not go to that sort of thing.

Not my bag.

Then I quickly recovered by explaining it’s pretty normal for that type of thing in South Beach, as the mentality down there makes it seem like the Europe of FL. I can’t believe how normal the night appeared to be. A whole date without any MAJOR sense of weirdness? Impossible!

You don’t seem to be unusually attached or afflicted, uneducated or unmotivated…what’s wrong with you, I wonder?!

As is normally the case, it was allllllllll a matter of time. I should have realized little signs indicating his love for nudity, the act of being nude and general overall hatred for clothing.

Him: “Want to take a walk on the beach? Or we could have another bottle of wine? Or didn’t you say that you lived close to here?”

I text my friend and tell her that everything is fine.  Per usual girl code, if I say no, it means my dog is sick. In this scenario, she is my roommate and needs me to come home NOW. I also tell her that I think he’s trying to trick me a bit into going back to my house…she says if I’m all out of pepper spray or good judgement…do none of the above.

I decide she’s being paranoid and agree to the walk on the beach.  I’m on the fence about how I’m feeling with this one, but the walk on the beach goes seamlessly and I’m stunned by his normalcy and down to earth attitude. Now it’s time to walk back to the car. I’m parked in a dark lit place, but a place I’m familiar with so I’m not nervous. He walks me back to the car and I agree to drive him back to his.

At first, it seems harmless…until he grabs my face and kisses me like he is attacking me. Many quick HARD kisses while saying things in French in-between… “C’est Bon.” I’m officially turned off and am ready to hop in the car and head home to my “sick dog.” I HATE forward acts on a first date. Suddenly, he asks…”can you take my shirt off? I’m a little itchy and want to make sure it’s not a rash or spreading… WHAT? “Eh…no, I’m sorry. I’ll take you back to your car and you can check it out. Best of luck with that.”

As you’ll come to learn in time, I don’t joke about these things. I’m a horrible fiction writer, and what purpose would I have to lie?

He literally gets out of the car, stands up and RIPS his clothing off.

Him: “Remember when I said that I had never been to the nude beach down here?”

Me: “Uh…yes…” I’m insanely nervous at this point. WTF just happened Dr. Jekyll!?

Him: “Well…I lied. You see, I love being nude. Can’t get enough of it as a matter of fact! Had a really nice time, I WILL call you…”

Before I could say don’t bother, my façade of a decent man took off running with his clothes down a back alley…nude. One can only hope he composed himself before returning to his car or out on the busy Fort Lauderdale Beach.

Despite the various texts, emails, and calls after the incident it was clear that we were not a match.

Just another blip on the dating radar from hell!