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Why You’re Not Getting A Second Date

5 Sep

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That’s right…go take a timeout.

When it comes to dating (and bad dates in particular), I differ to my alter ego “Dr. Overit VanCan’t Anymore.” I wrote an article a while ago about people having a hard time with what’s called, “the let down speech” and why it’s unnecessary and how you look like a real ass-hat when you give people one. I realized recently, after (yet another) horrible date, why those speeches are SORT of necessary. Particularly if the person you’ve gone out with thinks the date was an A+ when really, there’s not a Richter scale level HIGH ENOUGH to accurately depict just how mind-blowingly bad this date was.

Wondering why you don’t get a second date? I have some thoughts.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Sweet lord, think about this. If you’re not going to do something cool like suggest we do something that’s out-of-the-box (which is bonus points), think about where we’re going to go to “get to know one another.”

STUPID PLACES:

-Loud bars

-Loud bars on Friday

-Loud bars on Friday at Happy Hour

-What? I can’t hear you over everyone else’s happiness.

-Places with no indoor seating during the sweltering summers. Swamp ass is not the new black.

-Places with no real seating in general. You CAN get seating, but you must spar for it. Madness? THIS. IS. HAPPY HOUR AT A BUSY ASS BAR ON A FRIDAY!

(Oh, going to see a movie is stupid too. But that’s beside the point…for now. For now.

 The whole point of a first date is to talk, right? To figure out if we have enough in common that we find each other attractive beyond the physical attraction we’ve no doubt already decided whether we feel or not.

Fact: Sometimes, the conversation can be so good that it can even (you might want to sit down for this one) outweigh the physical attraction, OR, make you MORE attractive. So don’t be a dummy and take me some place where I can’t determine that. Unless you’re the guy I went out with. Then don’t date anyone again…possibly ever.

NOT SHARING THE CONVERSATION MAKES ME WANT TO KILL YOU. STRAIGHT UP.

Here’s the thing …I’m a talker. But nothing thrills me more than to go out with someone who ALSO likes to talk. Now, when it’s taken to the extreme, and your date doesn’t know when to pass the “talking stick” back to you, things can get ugly. Well, they can get boring and annoying, and can quickly turn into a huge turnoff. If you steamroll* a conversation, I spend that time thinking about what the people around me who are laughing and enjoying themselves are talking about and what you’d think if you could hear how I’m talking about you in my head and how I’ll talk about you to friend’s and family later.

Sometimes I even envision that each time I squint one eye, I’m crushing your head. And you don’t notice, of course, because you’re so into your conversation.

Also, if you say…

“Hey, the part from Dumb and Dumber with Sea Bass is so funny!”

And I say, “Yes, it’s a hilarious part, I’m very familiar with it. One of my favorite movies.”

That DOES NOT MEAN repeat the whole scene word-for-word while I die a little on the inside. I know the scene. I know…the damn…scene.

If you have nothing to bring to the table, conversationally, then just shut it. Let me help you carry the conversation! I would’ve rather sat in silence, then sit there and listen to your mouth move for the sake of moving. Or, you repeat the same questions you asked me on the phone. The very same comments, jokes and observations we’ve already tackled. If you start to feel like you’re on a date with a parrot, you’re doing it wrong.

Share the conversation responsibility to avoid getting yourself into this type of situation. Really, share it. It’ll be fine. Trust me. Otherwise, be known as the guy who could put you to sleep faster than Sleepy Time tea. Who made an IKEA catalog look more interesting and engaging. You were boring, sir. Boring.

Ok – I’ll shut up now…Well, about this.

TOO EAGER FOR THE NO PANTS DANCE

Bless you. You think that after poorly planning a date, putting me to sleep and buying me two beers, that has now granted you the ability to ask me to come back to your place. Because why spend money on more beer, when you have perfectly good beer at your house that we should be drinking on the roof?

Before the first date, getting texts like this has become the (very sad) norm:

“What color underwear are you wearing today?”

“What would you do if I was there with you?”

“I’m not in this for sex. Send me a pic though?”

“Here’s a picture from my arsenal…”

That last one is a picture of their junk. Unsolicited.

If your mind’s telling you yes, but my body (language)….my boooody (language) is telling you NOOOOOO. Take a hint.

It’s rare to go on a date where the end doesn’t involve me explaining I’m tired and can’t go anywhere else tonight because I’m busy doing anything else besides sleeping with you.

So instead, you sneak in an awkward kiss, because you think “I’m totally into you and want it. Badly.”

What do I mean by “awkward kiss?” This actually happened (swear):

Him: “You have something on your mouth.”

Me: “Uh…No, I do not.” (Wiping my mouth profusely)

Him: “Yeah, it’s like a zig-zag.”

Me: “What?”

Him: “A post it note. It’s a post it note.”

Me: “IS THIS YOUR ATTEMPT TO KISS ME?”

Cut to…well, you can imagine.

21 year old Allyson would’ve been totally with it. 29 year old Allyson don’t play that.

Two beers + poor planning x bad conversation= a handshake and a sigh of relief when I get into my car and call my mom crying, to tell her we may be adopting her grandchildren from somewhere outside of my uterus.

Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, things happen and you end up partying horizontally. But that’s earned. And rare. Because little comes from succumbing to the no pants dance so early on (I wish I was wrong on that last one, trust me). And it’s not because it wasn’t an upscale location or anything like that. A guy who can make me laugh and whom I have an undeniable amount in common with can sneak right past this. Easily. The guards will look the other way, I assure you. But I can’t remember the last time that happened.

THE TEXTUAL AFTERMATH

Here’s where you straight up annihilate my lady boner. If I’ve only walked from the bar to the car before getting a, “Well, that’s the show!” text… is just… too much. Let me process what happened. Let me figure out if I’m desperate enough to tolerate more of what you put me through that evening. Let me recover from an unwanted kiss and ear assault (you know, you…incessantly talking).

But here is the best part.

The next day, getting a text that says, “Hey. How are you?”

You respond to be kind, but you haven’t texted him since the date. You don’t want to lead him on, or be mean (in person. He won’t read this blog, so…we’re good). So you start to pull away by not responding. Maybe he’ll get the hint? He doesn’t. He continues to text you.

Three days later, with barely any response from you, he sends you another message. “I’ve been thinking about it and I’m really glad nothing else happened between us. I really respect you and think we’d be great friends. I just don’t think there was a spark.”

Eureka.

Can I tell you how annoying this is? I haven’t answered you in three days. I haven’t actively pursued you. I wasn’t thrilled you had your mouth on mine. I had to listen to you yack on about things for HOURS while I sweated on a bench we had to fight to sit on and practically had to beg to get another beer.

What in your mind went right?

 

It’d be a good social experiment to ask those questions, I suppose. Where did I go wrong, that this man thought after three days of radio silence, he should break it off with me.

However, I’m sure with lots of therapy and alcohol…some day…I will get over him.

* Steamrolling in improv comedy is when one person basically doesn’t breathe long enough for you to get a word in and you wind up standing there as a “silent” partner while they command a scene.

Top 10 Things Keeping You Single (And Stupid)

21 May

 

I thought I’d drop some knowledge on things that are pretty much guaranteed to keep you single…forever. It’s not rocket science, it’s just the science of chemistry (see what I did there?) and being comfortable with who you are. That being said, here are the top 10 things keeping YOU single.

 

1.  Persistent on finding perfection

Newsflash kids, no one is perfect, despite what Disney® and flicks involving Katherine Heigl would like to have you believe. Here’s the key to finding happiness: figure out the components of a relationship that matter most to you. If finding a guy with a huge…salary is really important, maybe examine why that is and how that could be holding you back.  Men, if you’re looking for a woman who has a huge set…of standards, maybe you should re-examine if the standards are “real” or if they’re just high maintenance. The fact is, everyone is looking for their Adriana Lima orChris Evans. It’s not about finding perfection, because as it turns out…no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on someone who is perfect, restructure your priorities to find someone who is perfect for you. OR, get used to the idea of living with a lot of cats named “Nipsy” and dying alone. Either way.

2.  Relax and stop over planning

You’ve met someone new. Yay! You’re one step closer to not becoming the aforementioned cat person. With a new experience comes extensive excitement. Try to refrain from getting overly excited and making plans for the future. I’m not talking wedding, honeymoon, or baby plans (although don’t do that either…seriously), but plans for your birthday three months from now or even your cousin’s briss in two weeks. Calm down. Let things happen slowly and naturally because the reality is you can’t plan for anything. The second you start planning ANYTHING, if you listen closely, you can hear the Universe laughing it’s ass off and quietly whispering… “Game on, mofo.”

3. Alcohol + Communication= Recipe for FAIL

We’re adults here, right? Most of us enjoy a drink or twelve every now and then. Similarly, we live on our phones and find texting or Facebook the most pertinent form of communication. Although reading things like Texts From Last Night orDamn You Auto Correct seems really hilarious, it’s not as funny when you’re on the inside. In addition (and more importantly), it can scare the crap out of someone you’re barely speaking to when they receive a drunk text professing your interest in them when they barely know you. It makes you look short-bus special, immature, and like you can’t control your alcohol or emotions. “No…but like….seriously…you’re the prettiest girl at work, I swear. I SWEAR. I’d…lick your face if I was your dog.” Not cool. Stop it, or get used to repeating this phrase in multiple languages: “Table for one, please?”

 

4. Stop making excuses

Do I really have to talk about “bitch-assness” again? Stop being whiny, sad individuals. Reality is, if they want to see you, talk to you, hang with you or be your significant other…chaaaances are…they’re going to make it happen. Your friends are tired of hearing you whine about why the barista from the coffee shop isn’t into you. “But he gave me signs! He gave me EXTRA FOAM, I TELL YOU!” In addition, if someone is flirting with others in front of you, making out with other people, or treating you like you’re just another one of the guys/gals…holy cow, get the hint people. Read this sentence carefully and preferably out loud: HOLDING ON TO THOSE FROM THE PAST, OR IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD TOWARDS SOMETHING REAL.

5.  Make some single friends

We’re at that magical time in life where the majority of our friends have significant others. While that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s necessary to keep a core group of single friends who are still willing to go out. I don’t mean “go out and look for tail,” so much as I mean just…go out. FACT: when people start a relationship, they want to spend all their time together. They want to learn each other in more ways than one, and friendship can often take a backseat. You have to continue to love those friends and be happy for them, but start to find out what’s going on with other friends who are still available and ready to join things, go to events, or even just spend a night out eating dinner/having drinks and talking about the single circuit.  Also, it’s totally ok to get annoyed that your relationship friends answer the phone every single time their significant other calls (which is every five minutes), just swallow the bits of sadness and think about dusting off that old friendship “black-book.”

6.  Chiggity-check your standards

Having incredibly unreasonable “Disney®-esque” standards, or Victoria Secret model standards aren’t exactly fair…but having NO standards is pretty unacceptable as well. Sweet lord, how many times can I repeat this? How about I continue to repeat it as many times as it takes for people to get a clue or two? Nobody (and I repeat NOBODY) likes someone who will just “take anyone.” I was talking to a guy friend once and things got flirty. I said, “Well, I don’t think I’m your type.” He responded, “Sure you are. I like anything.” Not even anyone…anything. All desire for him? Dead. Done. Be realistic. If you’re a partial lagoon creature, stop judging people based on THEIR looks. If you’re a little bit hefty, stop commenting that the person of interest isn’t “fit enough.” Fitness, looks, beauty, and sweet abs FADE. After all that stuff is gone, what do you geniuses think you’ll be stuck with? Essentially…a really nice piece of art. Something really great to look at, but you can’t really talk to it…or have it comfort you in the way you’d like. Sure, it doesn’t make jobs and the paint is kind of fading, but at one time…man that thing was a hot piece of…art. Reality can be an eye-opener. Know your worth and don’t settle for less…but if you hang on a high horse, it could be the only steed you’re able to ride.

7. Input overload

Friends and family can be great, but ultimately there’s only one thing you should listen to…your gut instinct. This is a little two-fold. On one hand, people care about you and want to give you their perspective. When you’re in a new relationship or experience, it’s easy to “put the blinders on” and roll with it. “Well, she was married before…but he just couldn’t accept she is a highly sexual person.” That’s what she tells you, and what your friends and family hear is…she’s a filthy, filthy whore who probably cheated.

In scenarios like that, taking advice/perspective/insight/input is a good thing. Now, on the OTHER hand…misery loves company. If your single friends hear you say, “Well, he is really working on it. He doesn’t want to lose me, he’s just been hurt before,” regardless of whether that’s true or not…they want his head on a stake. Not necessarily because your guy isn’t a GOOD guy, but because he has now separated you from the pack…and they’re pissed.  They are now a lone wolf. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy; it’s that they don’t want you to be happy if they’re not happy too. Ahh…friendship. In the end, decide whom you can trust and rely on to provide you with non-biased, objective feedback when you require it. Be selective with the information you process, so that your brain isn’t trying to take fifteen people’s opinions into consideration, thus putting you one step closer to spooning something else besides your body pillow at night.

8. Leave some mystery

If you tell the person you’re talking to everything there is to know about you within the first few times of meeting, what’s left? Try to staple that huge suck hole on your face from ruining your chances right off the bat. Your new prospect doesn’t want to hear about the time you went to the bathroom on the floor of your ex’s apartment because you were so drunk you thought it was the toilet. They don’t want to hear about the time, you walked in on grandma showering and that’s how you identified she had melanoma and saved Thanksgiving of 1997.  I know you’re excited by the “newness” of the person, but c’mon…c’mon…pull it back a little. Discuss the little things. Little things can plant the seed that grows into talking about more serious things, silly things, etc. As much as you want to say, “I’m an upfront person. I like to lay it out there!” Sometimes it’s too much, too soon. You shouldn’t NOT be yourself, but should ease the other person into you slowly. It’s their first time with you, so be gentle.

9.  Snappin’ ass bitches, sleep with sad wishes

Snap judgments are the quickest way to both end something that could be potentially awesome, and make people think you are a crazy person. People come from all sorts of experiences, some good and of course some bad. Try not to drag your previous experiences into the mix. It makes for a bitter batter and the relationships tend not to rise to their full potential when that happens (how are these baking puns doing?). Remember that your NEW prospect isn’t any of your ex’s. Yes, it’s great to heed warning signs…but don’t live in your head. Read this line, over and over out loud preferably (we’ve done this exercise before!): IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO ACCEPT THE POTENTIAL OF GETTING HURT AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT READY FOR SOMETHING NEW.

Listen. Learn. Live. Love. AND let things go.

10. Stop seeing being single as a “problem”

People who feel like being single is the equivalent of leprosy make me want to vomit. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing we complain about more than anything is being alone? Then we’re finally NOT alone and suddenly just want freedom. FACT: YOU MUST BE OK WITH BEING BY YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY BE WITH ANOTHER.  So many good things are associated with being single. Need a few? How about not answering to anyone? Go out as late as you want, do what you want, don’t have to deal with someone else’s family (who are probably bananas anyway, and like to fart in public places), you get the WHOLE bed to yourself…and the best? Married people want to BE US. It’s not a bad thing. Be happy being you and the rest will come.

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Sugar Daddy’s, Boy Toys, or Something In-Between?

21 May

“Knock, knock…it’s love. Are you ready?”

Everyone has their type, right? If you have to label it, it’s who you’re attracted to instantly without even thinking about it.  I like to claim I’m super predictable with my choices in men; someone who’s over 6’0” tall, dark hair, dark eyes…what my friends and I refer to as, “tall, dark and sturdy!”

Although I claim that I like those men, I usually wind up only dating men who carry a couple of those characteristics. Tall? Definitely. Dark? Not always. Sturdy? None of your business.

The only other major consistency is that they’re always older than I am. In high school, college and even now, I’ve stuck to dating older dudes. Recently, there’s been an influx of “chance meetings” with some really incredibly genuine younger guys, which has me wondering if maybe it’s time to a leap out of my comfort zone.

Ol’ G’s V. Young Gents

Sure it’s all about preference, but let’s peep some REAL pros and cons of dating Ol’ G’s!

Pros:

1. Let’s keep it real: Homeboy knows what to do in the bedroom. They’ve had experience; they know what works and what doesn’t and can typically afford to take a moment to listen to what the lady wants.  Taking their time and ensuring that we reach our “final destination” is something they take a lot of pride in. Also, (unlike the Young Gents) they’re less shocked someone wants to sleep with them and therefore are in less of a hurry to “get to business” on the off-chance the lady changes her mind.

2.  Cultured: Older men are perceived as more worldly, cultured and put together. We assume they are well-traveled, know what’s going on in the world and can show us things we’ve never been exposed to in a whole new way. They like art, they’ll see musicals with you or hit up a concert without feeling like it’s “too cool.”

3.  Accomplished: Here’s where a lot of Ol’ G’s come in first. A woman in college is looking for a guy who at least has a “plan” of where he wants to go and how he wants to get there. A woman post college is looking for a guy with the drive to implement that “plan” and show initiative and maturity. These Ol’ G’s are already older than you, (whatever age that is) which implies there’s a better chance their shit…is together. No one wants to be standing behind someone their entire life pushing them uphill and begging them to do something with themselves.

4. Patience, My Dear Watson: Ol’ G’s have patience, yo! They are more apt to let you be you, because you’re younger than them…and they’re into it. On top of that, they are perceived as mentors almost. Ol’ G’s can be there while you grow and help you through those rough spots, because they’ve been there and been through it and won’t freak out when you freak out. In addition, the notion is that they’ll take care of you, look out for you, and cherish you in a way that most Young Gents won’t (because they still think they can do better…suckers).

Cons:

1. If we’re keeping it real: Sometimes, the motion in the ocean is outdated. There’s nothing fun, there’s really no passion and they just do what they’ve been used to doing the past 1,000 years that’s “gotten them by.” Furthermore, they are a little over impressed with themselves when it comes to the bedroom, but also super insecure. More often than not, you can hear “So…how was it?” “Was it ok?” “And how do I rate, by comparison?” come out of their mouths not ten seconds after you both collapse. Also, be aware…older CAN be sexy, but the same way men get all judgmental about things “not being in place,” newsflash men…it happens to you too.  Even at 30, some men sport the ultra-sexy “frog butt” and matching set of “moobs.”

2. Damaged Goods:  As men get older, they collect experiences the same way women do. The thing is, no matter what people say about men not doing the same thing that women do (going a little bit cray cray), they are liars. If men have gone through a marriage, divorce (or two), cheated, been cheated on, it seriously does wonders to their psyche as well (what a shock, they’re human!). Some will be nice and tell you up front that they have “issues” which is great, because it affords you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether or not to continue on. However, most Ol’ G’s have a knack for letting you get about three to six months in before releasing the full levels of crazy. “Oh, your mom wants to basically be in the room with us while we have at it? Cool!”

3. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: With the Ol’ G’s you have to be careful. Those who were scorned, like above, tend to try to “play the field.” The thing is, most of the ones who want to play the field have been sitting on the bench for a while. Most of the need to be this “pimp persona” comes from them feeling old and the desire to feel young and reckless again. So, although your friends are saying things like “you let him do WHAT with you? Oh…that…is gross.” He thinks he’s David Beckham’s lost twin. If this persists, let that splendid super-genius free and see what kind of “hot tail” he picks up. It’s great for a chuckle or ten.

4.  I see your future…and it looks bleak:  There are two types of Ol’ G’s. One wants to settle down right away and build a family. Maybe six months in, things are THERE. The alternative version is more closely related to #3 above. He doesn’t want to commit, because he feels he doesn’t have to. Or, he’s terrified…like the rest of us. He’ll have you move in, then freak out, then move back in…then show you a ring…then when you break up, he’ll sit in your face and say, “you know…I never really saw us getting married. I think that’s what the problem was.”

 

Young Gents:

Often seen as “not together” or immature, can Young Gents sometimes be the better choice when it comes to dating?

Recently I’ve had the good fortune of meeting two young men who sparked my interest. One in particular, and I’m about to essentially explain why. As a matter of fact, he’s the reason that I thought about writing this. Ordinarily, I’d immediately discredit him because he’s younger…but boy, oh boy, have I been pleasantly surprised.

Let’s get to it!

Pro’s:

1.  Tabula Rosa:  Here’s the best thing I’ve learned about younger guys thus far; they’re not jaded, angry, and cynical or automatically expecting the worst. They’re genuine about their actions, their excitement and passion for life and having a good time with all they do. Most of them have had one, maybe two serious relationships in their entire life, thus making them open to new experiences without having a set “type.”  Plus, on a selfish side…you can teach them/mold them into what you’d like them to be without them catching on until it’s too late ( shhhh…don’t tell them).

2.  Are we still keepin’ it real? How are things with a young guy in the boudoir? Can’t say. Don’t know. But I’d expect that it’s probably not as smooth as with someone older. However, they know all the new moves, and I’m sure they’re excitement to go at it…and at it…and it…is probably an epic pro. Again, they’re probably just happy to be doing it on a consistent basis. BUT can they “man up” and be as aggressive, passionate and eh…fun as someone with a few more years of expertise?

3.  Livin’ in the fast lane: Ol’ G’s can be boring because they’re balls deep in “real life.” What’s great about the Young Gents is that they’re up for anything, anytime, anywhere. You want to go rock climbing at 7pm on a Wednesday? DONE! You want to hang out on the couch or go see a movie and just chill? NOT…A…PROBLEM. They can hang home and play the Wii or go to a bar or 12 and live large for the night (because they still have their parent’s credit cards).

4. They care. For real:  Maybe this is too close to #1, but it’s so true. There’s something about them that’s so purely genuine and real it’s almost alarming. You’re not sure whether they’re being sarcastic, or they’re REALLY that nice. Ol’ G’s who text you “So excited to go out tonight!” are probably mocking you. When a Young Gent says, “Can’t wait! It’s going to be a lot of fun,” they are serious and really mean it.

Cons:

1. Training: Sadly, it’s both a positive and a negative to have the opportunity to help mold and shape a young mind. On the negative end of the spectrum, no one wants to date someone they have to teach how to approach a woman.  When younger, it’s difficult to decide if you’re putting out good vibes or getting them back. Sometimes it’s hard to identify whether a Young Gent is flirting with you, interested and just shy…or perhaps being friendly (on a friend level).  It can be a little hard to tell, and embarrassing and frustrating when you as an older (CLEARLY more mature woman…right?) can’t decipher the vibes yourself.

2. Yup. Still keepin’ it real:  Women that like men…like MEN. When out with a Young Gent this weekend, my friends and I were explaining how sometimes we just want someone to take hold of us, throw us on the bed and make things HAPPEN. OOH-WEE, it just got warm in here! He was floored. He had no idea. And then we sort of patted him on the head and continued on about our evening. Young Gents who can bring their “A” game? Well, they’d be unstoppable.

3.  They’re in the fast lane, we’re on the right shoulder: The reality is, we’re older than them and we don’t party as much or as hard. Sometimes we want to be lame. Actually, more often than not I find I’d prefer to spoon my dog on the couch, curl up with a good movie and bucket-o’-wine and hang. I don’t want to fist pump. I don’t want to put on a tiny dress and speak in abbrev’s all-night. “LOL, I’ll BRB, KK?”

4.  Were those your feelings? My bad:  Sometimes in being young, you become a bit overly sensitive. That’s a fact. Call it naiveté, call it being genuine, whatever.  It’s a toughy because you’re in two separate places in life probably. Whether he’s just coming out of school, fresh-faced and ready to greet the world, or just getting his feet wet in the real world…you’re a seasoned vet, and have to be gentle with how you make your approach. The typical “aggressive nature” of someone going after a Young Gent can be misconstrued and can often send them running the other way (in fear).

Regardless of what route you choose to date, take in to consideration that there is no right or wrong. Connections are hard to fight, so if you find you have a real connection with someone…isn’t it better to go for it and take a chance then to let a silly thing like age get in the way? It’s nearly 2012, take some chances, live out loud, and let love in…whether an Ol’ G or a Young Gent!

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How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

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M&M: A Therapeutic Story

17 May

 

 

I’ve decided to join a Jewish monastery.

OH, they don’t exist you say?  Well then I’m going to create one, dedicate myself to Moses…you know, the works! Tack that on to my list of “things to do.” If the experiences I’ve had up until this point have not given you reason enough to believe me, I’d like to present you with yet another experience: M&M (*All names changed)

M&M seemed awesome “on paper.” With eloquent communication laced with humor and ingenuity, not to mention a weird love for Will Ferrell that not everyone can always appreciate, M&M appeared to be my kind of guy.

When we talked for a bit, his emails were full of wit and flattery, even the title’s had  personality! After finding out that I’m getting my Masters, the title’s became: Ally, Master of Kickassery…which anyone who knows me knows that I ate that up…with a spoon… a big ladle, in fact.

He’s cute, with great teeth and curly hair, which I go gaga for. Perhaps I’m biased, who knows. He is precious in a baby-faced kind of way that you start to think wow, you can’t be 31! But then you get closer and realize oh yeah…it’s possible. Now anyone that knows me, also knows that I never choose boyfriends through what they look like. My type is often referred to as lagoon creatures and as my one friend put it recently…swamp monkeys.  It’s always about the connection. Usually the quickest way to speak to my heart is laugh at my jokes. Laugh hard and seem sincere. I love that. But this seemed like maybe…just maybe…I was in the presence of a mythical unicorn.

Side Note: My friends and I define the “man of our dreams” as a mythical unicorn. It’s something we’ve heard a lot about, but cannot seem to find, no matter how many people claim to have empirical evidence they exist.

M&M is talking about Nirvana and The Toadies…we’re having this fabulous night. Out of nowhere this older man with way to many Backstreet Boy highlights steps over to chat with us. He explains he’s here with his ex-wife, who’s “hot, right?” But she’s having problems with her 21 year old boyfriend…mainly because she’s 45.  On the other hand, this guys  girlfriend works at the fire station with him (clearly by now you’ve realized they’re fire…people? Sorry for leaving that out).

Raul is his name, and he and his 22-year-old girlfriend are in love. They make porno together and discuss all things fire, integrating fire into foreplay if they get the chance.  M&M is a government worker, so Raul becomes an automatic “bro”, engaging him in conversation, laughing, making jokes and crank calling government officials. He keeps looking over at me, going “ M&M…bro this girl….is a cool chick. I can just tell. A badass, cute, cool chick.” I’m like…thank you Raul, so nice of you to say, etc…

Pretty soon M&M leaves to go to the bathroom and I’m left alone with Raul who leans over to me and  says, ”You going home with him tonight?”

“No,” I reply, trying to avert my eyes and give him the hint I’m not interested in pursuing this conversation any longer. “Oh C’mon…go home with him…ride him a little. What would it hurt?”

All I’m thinking is…of course this would happen. Why not? If I didn’t have bad luck with dating, I wouldn’t date at all.

At that moment, Raul leans over and says…”You know, if you weren’t going home with M&M tonight, you’d be going home with me.” I whipped around, looked him dead in the eye and said…”You know Raul…I think I’m a bit too old for you.  I’m 25 after-all…Plus, I can’t film any porno’s… anymore…without a donkey, three chimps and a dominatrix present. Sorry.”

M&M sauntered back into the bar and at this point I’m ready to go.

He can pick up on the weird look I’m giving him, mainly because I have a terrible poker face…and I’m trying my best to subtly give him the let’s kindly get the fuck out of here now look.

Long story short..er (than what I’d normal give you, which is the painful play by play), we leave and head somewhere else. At this point he divulges he had 8 cats at one time, now he has 3. If that’s not weird enough at 31 to have 8 cats…I could keep going. While at the bar, he mentions to me…you know, your last name doesn’t sound very Jewish. I mention that it’s actually my middle name that is my “family” name with the Romanian/Jewish background. Upon hearing my middle name he pauses for a second…like something clicked with him….which I would never have thought twice about…..until this moment…..

After our date I decided I wasn’t into it. So I started ignoring phone calls and trying not to get too involved. A week or so later, I get a text…he’s had a hard day and needs to talk to someone. Being an idiot, I cave and say alright, tell me what happened and lets see if we can find a solution. He thanks me, tells me he feels much better and while he’s in a sharing mood….he has something to tell me.

Him: “Do you want to know a secret?”

Me: “Uhm….sure?”

Him: “No really, do you want to know?”

I’m getting irritated.

Me: “YES…just tell me!”

Him: “Jody Finkle knows a lot about me”

At this point some things are starting to come together…Jodie Finkle is my Aunt,  who is a Psychiatrist.

Me: “JODIE FINKLE? I don’t remember telling you my aunts name…”

Him: “You didn’t.”

Turns out, he was one of my Aunt’s clients…fabulous.

Anyone ready to start that monastery?

No?

Well, how about this:  M&M II, the reckoning

When my interest in M&M began to dissipate, I began to pull away, as most people do. I always wondered what could have been between he and I, had things of gone differently, and thought maybe I had been to hard on M&M. Too judgmental. So what he goes to therapy, who doesn’t? At least he was willing to confront the issues he’s facing, the walls he’s placed around himself and try to get a grip on reality, right?

My mom would say, “How weird would it be for him to come to a family gathering, knowing full well your Aunt knows everything there is to know about him?

Admittedly? Super weird. SO when I heard from M&M a few months ago, I was a little surprised to find myself a little curious to see why he was brought back into my life. At the very least, I’d have another winning story…and at the most? Well, sky was the limit.

Email number one:

“Dear Ally, Master of Kickassery,

Are you still kicking ass and being awesome? Have you forgtton me, moved to NY and become famous? If not…I’d love to talk to you, as I’m not sure what ever really happened and I think about it a lot. It’d be great to see that hair, and that smile. So tell me…How does one become a Master of Kickassery himself, or at the very least…take one to dinner.

Hope to talk soon,

M&M”

Alright, that’s a pretty damn good email, am I right!?

So I cave…we chat, try to start again and see if maybe we DID have something…DO have something. The issue was, he was going to China for two weeks. No real explanation why at first, but he was leaving in two days and HAD TO SEE ME IMMEDIATELY.

“NO,” I tell him. “We’ve waited this long to see each other, don’t worry about it. We’ll chat, email, whatever until you get back and then we’ll do things again, from the beginning…the right way.”

He leaves for two weeks. Over the next two weeks, I get emails of half his head in front of monuments, weird foods, fun stuff…anything. By the time he returns, he’s been cultivating our meeting for nearly three weeks now.

When he returns, he wants to see me immediately but I had plans with a friend, so I invite him to join us at the movies. He’s polite, generous…all things are a go.

In the movie, he starts getting…touchy. It’s not like the previous post about “Dan” from the movie theater. This is more like a nervous touch. He’s rubbing my arms, his palm intertwined with mine…hot and wet.

After the movie, my friend and her boyfriend leave and we go to get a drink. I thought…things are good. He is good. We’ll have no trouble alone. Now may be a great time to mention that the first time around, I did see him more than one time. Things also happened that indicated he and I wouldn’t be a great match…in some areas…I hope you’re following this, because I feel too guilty to write it out. Regardless of what happened, I’m wiling to see if maybe it will head that way again down the road and maybe things will be fine. I’m enjoying myself and just want to focus on that.

He walks me to my car, kisses me like a Saint Bernard who rubs his big watery jowls on your leg as he brushes by and says, “I’m so glad we did this. I wasn’t sure what happened, if maybe I came on too strong…or geez, I don’t know. I thought you weren’t calling me because maybe I have a small penis…or something!”

It took him 3 weeks to cultivate something he ruined in 3 hours…the good news is, I know someone who can talk him through it!

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Dan, Dan, The Wacko Man!

16 May

Ever Feel Surrounded By A Bunch of Clowns?

 

 

Sometimes it  feels as though I am participating in the “Bad Decision Olympics,” where I am the reigning Gold Medalist. I’d like to share another moment in dating hell, with my most recent fail…Dan. (* Just a reminder, all names have been changed).

A while ago, I met Dan. We started talking on the phone and texting nearly every day and although I wasn’t really prepared for anything serious, it was obvious that he wasn’t going anywhere without a fight…which I kind of liked, as it’s been a while since anyone of substance has come along. He is educated, driven, seemed pretty compassionate and genuine, etc. It probably didn’t hurt his case that he has a beautiful upper body and pearly white teeth…just sayin’. After talking to him for a few days, the comments started getting a bit weird…er.

I understand that people are marrying early and we are feeling a bit of societal pressure at 26, (like we’re lepers for not settling down by this point) but I’m never one to just meet someone and say any of the following things:

1. “So, are you going to be my baby?”

2. “I just need you in my life, and I know that…without a doubt.”

3.“I just think you’re a good influence in my life, and you’d be positive to have around.”

Those all seem like very sweet, endearing things for people who’ve been dating a little more than not at all. How can you possibly know that those things will be true without a bit more investigation? Maybe I’ve been hiding a secret identity, and I’ll rip off a body suit to reveal I’m a 350lb lagoon creature.

MAYBE I’m serial killer who loves to kill afflicted men. OR…MAYBE…I’m a code five clinger, who loves to snort coke and likes to dress my cats in funny outfits and film them. My point is, that it’s off putting to hear things like that right off the bat.

Dan and I were going on a date to go see The A-Team. I understand that the movies are kind of a stupid date to choose to go on when you’re still getting to know one another. But I chose the movies for that reason. I felt pressured to see him, because he was SO pushy. After a day at work from 8-5 where people constantly talk your ears off, why would you want to go and have someone talk your ears off for another few hours?

Look, I’m sure if I was “really” interested, it wouldn’t matter. I’d welcome the chatter, getting to know each other and enjoying a flirtatious flutter of the eyes back and forth. Dan wanted to go bowling, go for dinner, go somewhere. “Movies are fine,” I tell him. “I’m bad at bowling, I’ve just had dinner and again..I’m a horrible bowler.” On the way there, I start getting this bad feeling. What’s funny is my friends will tell you that I’m rarely off base with these instincts. They usually manifest themselves through soreness deep in my gut, saying, “hey….hey dumbass…this? This right here…? This is going to end HORRIBLY.”

Clearly, I don’t listen, pulling into the theatre fifteen minutes before it starts. I can see Dan from the car, although he can’t see me. He’s pacing a bit and seems frustrated, but when he sees me a big smile flashes across his face. We hug and he tells me he’s bought the tickets. “He’s not so bad,” I think to myself as we walk towards the theatre.

As we enter, he turns back and says “Goodnight Sophie.” Ehm…? Wherever Sophie is, she’s clearly not responding. “GOODNIGHT SOPHIE,” he says louder and sort of pauses for effect. I look over to see this girl hanging out on the pillar. She seems less than enthralled that he’s speaking to her and has a mild look of discontent and panic. He starts to explain, “Oh! She was waiting on her boyfriend and I was waiting on you, so we kept each other company since it’s a bit sketchy out here.”

We go inside…time to pick the seats… I like to sit near the bar so I can put my feet up and there are no big heads obstructing my view. He doesn’t argue and just asks that we sit in the middle, where these two girls have their feet on the seats. “Don’t worry, they won’t have them there for long,” he replies. I sit down immediately already embarrassed and praying there will be no confrontation…the movie hasn’t even started. “Hey ladies,” he starts. “Now don’t go kicking our chairs during this movie, ya hear me?” The ladies are giggling. They think he’s joking. “Oh don’t worry,” one replies. “I think I broke my toe before we came in here.” “Oh really?” he says, and starts rummaging around in his wallet. He hands them his medical sales card and they coo.  Right when I think we’re in the safe zone, I hear him start telling them… “We’re on a date. So please…don’t kick the chair.”

He sits down and says to me…

Dan: “Did you knock a couple back before you came?”

Me: “I’m sorry…what?” I’m staring at him blankly, like…did you really just ask that?

Dan: “Did you have a couple drinks? I mean hell, that’s what I would do…” (He’s unable to drink).

Me: “No, I didn’t…why, does it seem like I have?”

From there things got really ridiculous and if I sat here and did a full detailed recount, you’d be here for ten pages, guaranteed. I’ll highlight.

Dan: “Don’t take anything I say or do seriously tonight, ok?” Famous last words.

You know that point in the bad situation when you’re like… “uh oh.” While externally I said, “Ehm…okay…?” Internally I was saying, “HOLY SHIT, WAY TO STEP IN A PILE OF  HOT MOLTON CRAZY. GREAT JOB!”

It appears the fact of the matter is, I never learn. Ever. Body language is important on a date. If my legs are crossed away from you, if my arms are folded, my hands are on my purse and I’m intently watching the movie, I have just given you the universal signs of “don’t touch me.” Had I of left my hand out for you to grab, placed my purse in the seat next to you, crossed my legs towards you and leaned over a bit…that means “GO.” The other way means “NO.”

Dan had evidently never heard of that general rule of thumb. I’m sure that the A-Team would’ve been a great movie, but I really didn’t get to spend a lot of time watching it, as I was more concerned that every time Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel kissed, I’d be attacked. I started dreading the love scenes. Every tacky move that could’ve been made was done. He picked up his cell phone, texted, talked to strangers, was loud and wanted to have a conversation throughout the movie.

BUT most offensive of all was THE BEST MOVE in the history of tacky moves:

“The Quest for Boobtown”

The 2 part quest:

1. He removes his watch methodically, then drops it down my shirt before attempting to FISH IT OUT.

2. He keeps trying to hold my hand but stretches his arm across me so I have to continuously keep moving his hand so he doesn’t rest it on my chest.

At one point he actually tried to lay his head on my chest….when I kept moving his hands and head, he finally turns to me and says, “ why are you so uptight?!”

“I’m not uptight,” I reply calmly, a little shaken up from the shock of his actions. I really can’t remember a time I’ve been more disrespected publicly. Although you say to yourself, “If something like that ever happened to me, I’d punch him in the face,” it changes when it happens to you and you’re in the moment. I thought that had answered the question sufficiently, but then right at a climactic point in the movie he turns to me and raises his voice… “OH LET ME GUESS…YOU’VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, RIGHT? AND NOOOOOOOOOW…I’M PAYING THE PRICE?”

I had nothing to say, mainly because how do you answer that…mid movie, with now the entire theatre no longer paying attention to the movie they’ve paid for, but rather your conversation with a crazy person. At that moment, you can feel the sympathy radiating, hear the women going “poor girl,” and I can feel my jaw clenching, fists tightening and tears trying to fight their way forward. “I’LL TAKE THAT AS A GIANT YES,” he screams. I had enough, but refused to get angry as we’re still in public, and I’m still a lady… of some sort.

Me: “Take it however you want to. Just leave it alone, and leave me alone.”

Dan: “SO…YES,” raising his voice over the climactic moments of A-Team.

Me: “Think whatever you want.”

After that, it was as if he had never snapped. He returned to trying to caress my hand, tell me how into me he was, etc.

Dan: “I’m going to go get a soda, want anything?”

Me: “No.”

He leaves and I text my mom and a friend of mine. I text: “awful. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Just went for a diet coke, hope he doesn’t come back.” But he did. With a large diet coke and large popcorn, both of which he finished then proceeded “release” the popcorn and soda back…out both ends. It felt like a cosmic joke…this kid couldn’t be serious? But he was.

Finally the movie ends and he walks me to my car, which I cannot get into fast enough. Before I even get home he’s called twice and left three texts.  We never spoke after that, and in truth, it  seriously rocked me so much that it took me a minute to get to a point where I could write it down.

But wait, there’s more…

About two months after the ordeal,  I get a friend request from a girl name Sandy. For some reason, I accept her friendship thinking I must know her from somewhere.  Something about her looks weirdly familiar, but I’m not sure I’m not crazy. I let it go and figure if nothing else, she’ll just be one of the other Facebook friends that I have that I don’t “know.” A week ago, I signed on to Facebook and my chat popped up immediately…it was Sandy.

Sandy: “Hey,” she says.

Me: “Hey, do I know you?”

Sandy: “Can I ask you something, and can we keep it just between you and I?”

Me: “Of course,” I reply, thinking…I don’t really know you, so what does it matter? And, you didn’t really answer my question, which would actually be telling of how the rest of the conversation would go.

Sandy: “How do you know Dan Smith? From CL?”

Me: “What’s CL?”

Sandy: “Craigslist,” she replied and my face automatically went into a highly grossed up, perplexed contortion.

Me: “Um no, not from…Craigslist,” I reply trying to suppress the disgust seeping up from my tummy and into my throat.

Sandy: “GREAT,” she says. “That tells me that he’s really out there trying to look for something/someone else.”

And so we spoke about Dan for about 30 minutes. She asked what happened and what my experience was. I tell her bits and pieces, but am still withholding because I’m not sure how she knew to find me on Facebook. Apparently, she met him off of “CL,” and then proceeded to have a plethora of strange experiences with him. He stood her up, she said she toyed with his emotions but eventually felt bad and met up with him. They went back to “his” house and he tried to get her to do stuff but she said she “doesn’t do THAT because it’s trashy.”

She said that it was time to consider not speaking to him, to which I reply he’s been blocked on my end for a while and that in my opinion, he’s not a hundred percent there and she should stop communication. While we’re talking, something occurred to me…the same thing I mentioned above…how on EARTH did she figure out who I was and how did she know how to get a hold of me? While she continues to talk to me, I decide to go to his Facebook page and see if they’re friends. Something just started to feel weird…I know, imagine that.

Turns out they’re not even Facebook friends. Which leads me to believe he clearly told her to contact me and ask why I’d not responded. ANOTHER thing occurs me…she looks EXACTLY like the girl that was at the movies that night, standing on the pillar (SOPHIE…remember?). Turns out, the crazy just keeps getting crazier. By the time I went to ask her how she knew to find me and confront her to see whether or not that was her that night…she disappeared off Facebook entirely.

SCARY, CRAZY and yet…typical.

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Me, A Gorgeous Firefighter, And…My Dad?

16 May

 

Come on Baby, Light my Fire!

 

As you’ll start to notice, I go back and forth with my dating regime. I’ll serial date, then quit cold turkey. Soon after, something happens and I always wind up meeting someone by accident and taking a chance.

Enter John, the Firefighter. John is a weird case, because from the get-go there was a ton of physical chemistry. In some respects, even though we had met a few times, I figured when we actually went on a “date” there would be nothing to say. Most of the time was spent drooling over his arms, back, abs…butt…you get the point.

Turns out he is actually quite smart, genuine and all around appeared to be a nice guy. I didn’t want to sound like a jerk, but I had to ask…

Me: “Why on earth are you single? You’re a firefighter, you have perfect teeth and eyes I’d love to dive into. Help me understand!”

He went on to compliment me before saying that he just usually meets “trash,” which is why he’s always hesitant to meet people in bars.

He went on to say he rarely drinks, watches TV, etc and is also not an overly obnoxious health nut.  John seemed relatively perfect…potential mythical unicorn material! Typically that means…there’s a catch!

We spent five hours at a Starbucks, with a constant flow of conversation. It might have been the first time I’d felt a genuine connection with anyone in a long…long…LONG time.

There was a guy who sat down quite some time after we’d been there, and he was an older guy who set up a laptop, mouse pad and some intricate looking mouse for “people who are serious about doing computer work.” He was sitting on John’s side, and periodically, I’d see John’s eyes wander over to the screen. He’d laugh, look back and mouth “oh..my…GOD” to me. Eventually the dude next to us went inside and I asked, “What’s so funny??”

He replies, “The guy next to us is playing World Of Warcraft!” I laugh, and he looks at me and gets very serious…

“Hey, this isn’t your dad, is it?”

“What? NO, that’s not my Dad.”

“I’m just saying, that would be super clever. Like he was here to make sure I was a good dude, and make sure his little girl is ok.”

“I can assure you…that’s not my Dad.”

“Ok…” And he lets it go. Temporarily.

“He’s really looking at me funny…” he says.

The guy can’t hear him because he’s wearing industrial sized headphones.

“John honestly…I can’t make you believe it’s not my dad if you think it is.”

“No no no…you’re right. He’s probably not.”

The conversation went on, and as the night was coming to a partial close/relocation as Starbucks was closed for over 2 hours now and it was only us…and this guy. I decided that since John had already picked up on my humor, and we were sort of already in the “easy part” of the date, I’d mess with him…because that’s the mature, caring individual I am.

“Are you ready to get out of here?”

“Yes, it’s best…it’s 12:30 and the only other person here is this guy,” I say.

“Don’t worry, I’d protect you,” he says with a smile.

“Oh that won’t be necessary,” I reply as we stand up.

“Have a good night kids,” the guy says, indicating he’s probably been able to hear us the WHOLE time.

“GOODNIGHT, DAD!” I look back and yell. The guy was momentarily confused, John went completely ghost white, and I had a good laugh. The way I see it…everyone won!

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