Archive | Relationships RSS feed for this section

How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

What is Standard Birthday Protocol When it Comes to an Ex?

18 May

 

 

I’m back! And need some advice from you, the readers!

So my birthday was last Thursday, and I’m the kind of person who takes it pretty seriously. Like…if you’ve upset me during the year, if we argue, if you drop kick my mythical baby ( I have no real ones), this is the time to get at me for guaranteed forgiveness…the MULLIGAN shot, if you will. Sometimes I get my hopes a bit high on whom I’m going to hear from, who will pop out of nowhere to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m pretty much always disappointed. This year was different. Not only did I not anticipate a “lot of response” from people I’d previously been involved with (on any level), but I was looking forward to steering clear of it as much as possible…or so I thought.

Something happens around my birthday, and it’s like these people just come out of the woodwork. This year, I mistakenly thought I saw my ex’s car near my house and texted him because I figured that was an okay, adult thing to do. We talked briefly, he seemed cool about chatting with me and invited me to do lunch the next week. This seemed like an ok idea, and I accepted. ONLY, per USUAL…his follow through was non-existent. Matter of fact, he sent me a silly ass video a week after we were supposed to go on this “lunch” with no message. I tried to make some small talk, but it was clearly not being well received (on either end).  My friends and family tell me he’s not going to contact me for my birthday and I say, “No way. He knows when my birthday is…He’ll say SOMETHING.”

Well…the day comes, and wouldn’t you know it? Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No Facebook post, text, call, smoke signal? People say he’s angry because I didn’t “pursue” getting lunch with him, or because my life is going well right now and this for some reason bothers him. Regardless, it’s further proof he’s pretty much the same person he was two years ago…maybe WORSE. Silly me for believing he had the ability to change, or that he’d follow through.

The fact is I’m angry, but see it as “it is what it is,” and his behavior very par for the course. Part of me wants to thank him, once again, for reminding me why we’re not together, while the other part of me wants some kind of venting ability like…de-friending him. Then I thought…I want to know what the protocol is for de-friending someone on Facebook? If they don’t remember your birthday after two years of knowing them, can you de-friend? All of my friends I’ve known for more than a year, and some I’ve known for less than two months managed to sneak in a Happy Birthday. Clearly, you’re no friend of mine… Ok well, what if we dated for two years, lived together and yet you still can’t manage a Happy Birthday, most likely because you know I’d like that. I think the answer is CRYSTAL clear, no?

That brings up another one….there is a guy….a really great guy (now). I’ve known him for years and years, we’ve gone through a tremendous amount. Sometimes we like each other, sometimes he hates me….and we make some bad decisions. Recently, we almost FINALLY dated for real real. We’ve had some issues getting things together over the years, but things seemed perfect now. He’s the only guy I’ve ever spared from talking about via media…but he’s very upset with me I suppose…and we haven’t talked in a couple of months. I know he’s online all the time…and he clearly chose to not wish me a Happy Birthday either. Can I be upset with him, if it’s me who has been pushing him away and he’s just fed up? Can I call it immature if I know what’s keeping us apart and that I guess…it hurts his feelings? I wish he understood how much I DO care for him and want to be with him…but when he ignored my birthday I thought…ok, I get it…I get it. Do I slink back into hiding and de-friend, because maybe it would make him happier if I’m not around? And make it easier for me if I don’t wonder if he’s just ignoring me?

Forget about my ex who just returned from Japan for a year…who couldn’t remember my birthday when we were together for four years, and despite being friendly and chatting now he STILL didn’t say anything to me ( although his entire family did, including his brother currently stationed in Iraq!). I’ll never de-friend, as he and I have too much history…and he is who he is!  ( At least him being forgetful has remained consistent!)

The LAST ONE…did wish me a Happy Birthday….twice. He’s a special case, and I was recently involved with him. As a matter of fact, he’s been the inspiration for MANY of these posts over the past month ( he seriously has no idea I think). His lack of follow through during our relationship, coupled with him using me, withholding things and then pretending he’s a “good guy,” really has me miffed. I’ve tried subtly to drop hints that I don’t favor him….matter of fact, I loathe him because of what he did. He seriously…does…not…get it.  He’s unapologetic and I seriously wonder how he wakes up and looks in the mirror everyday and then decides who he is going to be. God knows how many others he was doing the boom boom pow with…pretending to care about…and I can’t even think about the rest. Part of me wants to de-friend, because I don’t need to keep someone like that in my life.  He thinks we’ve “made up.” We have not made up. Essentially, I believe nothing he says and will never…ever…forgive him. And why should I? He’s given me every reason to distrust him in a short amount of time.

The POINT… I swear it’s in here, is that I don’t always know when enough is enough. While they’re all different situations, they’re all particularly difficult for me. I’d really love some input on what the best choice is for the individual situations. They say to “take the trash out” in your life, and never look back…but when is the right time to do that? And is it more immature of me to fault them for not communicating (or communicating without dealing with the issues at hand), and then cut it off completely?

Disney World Proposal Screws Every Man, Everywhere, Forever!

17 May

 

I’m sorry to report, that this video has just screwed every man, everywhere…forever. How do you beat this video? Answer: You frieken’ don’t.

Women, do we not spend a gratuitous amount of time worried about what our proposal will be like? Will they be creative? Will my family be there? Will they be creative, or do the same old boring stuff?

“Every guy does the same thing. I’ll just get down on one knee, after a nice dinner…or on the beach….at a family dinner, right?”

WRONG.

For me, I’d love to know that you know who I am, what I like and feel like you created this beautiful moment truly for you and I. With the video here, it’s so clear this guy put a lot of time and dedication into proposing.

Here’s the breakdown of all his winning moments:

  1. He does a little pre-message to his future fiancé, explaining what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, etc. This way when she looks back, she knows how he was feeling before he went into it. Totally sweet…very endearing.  I wanted her to say yes already, and nothing had happened.
  2. He made sure everything was taped, photographed, professionally. Not necessary, but again it shows his ingenuity. Seriously. Wowsa.
  3. They’re at the happiest place on EARTH. Disneyworld! I’m probably more amped about it than most, but I love that place. To me, it’s a place where wonderful things happen and I’ve always been “that person” who is over the age of ten and still gets PUMPED to go to there!
  4. Not only does he organize this whole flash mob, he JOINS IN…he jumps in and starts dancing to “Marry Me,” and he’s a GREAT dancer. Although, even if he sucked…he’s dancing, for her, in the middle of Disneyworld. Who isn’t in love with this guy, right now?
  5. He gets down on one knee, she’s crying…she can’t even move, or remove her hand from her mouth because she’s so shocked. Perfection. After five and a half years, he managed to surprise her. That’s a serious accomplishment! What a huge win, and I honestly feel excited (jealous), proud (super jealous), and happy (OMFG REALLY?! SO JEALOUS) for this couple! Congrats!

So once again, men…with this type of stuff…oh, you’re so screwed. This guy not only tailors a proposal unique to his lady and makes it super heartfelt, but he does it at the happiest place on Earth!? Unless you can find a way to stop the internet from showing us these types of things, you better bring your “A-Game!”

She’s Just Not That Into You Either…Seriously

16 May

Seriously. We’re not.

 

So a couple of years ago, a jackass “writer” by the name of Greg Behrendt came out with a piece of drivel entitled, “ He’s Just Not That Into You,” which I’m sure 99% of you have heard of and/or read. Why so bitter at Greg? Because I felt as though it was the “idiot girl’s guide to relationships,” and wondered WHAT woman would really need this mega dose of common sense. Then I snapped back to reality, noticing that most women DO in fact need this book. Some of my closest friends suffer from the same afflictions that the women portrayed do, unable to let things go, stalking, making excuses for their boyfriends/hookups/husbands. My personal favorite characteristic is holding on to a relationship that should be treated with the same mentality as a dead limb…cut it off, before the yuck spreads any further.

While the book was awful, I DID see the movie and will confess that I did enjoy it and found I could relate to it a twinge more than the book (for me this is rarely ever the case). It’s a dose of reality for those who would rather deny, deny, deny then own up to what’s really going on. For me, I identify with (I’m sure many of you?) one line in particular, where Justin Long’s character says, “Everyone wants to be the exception to the rule.”

It’s true.

That’s why we date, why we sit near the phone months and years after a relationship (figuratively, not literally) waiting to have that person who pulverized your heart like hamburger meat come back and stand bravely in your face, proclaiming, “Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and without you, I’m not whole.”

Doesn’t everyone want that validation? That knowledge that without you these past few weeks, months, years, their lives have been full of suck? The point is, that it’s clearly a very rare situation. Today I want to examine the reverse side of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” as men rarely get labeled as crazy as women or even in the near realm. It’s not a talked about subject and it should be. Just because you come after me and I turn you down does not make me a bitch. Similarly, how you would believe you’re not a jerk, just for the same reason. I’m going to give some of my own experiences and examine what I’ve come in contact with over the years. Can any of you think of other examples, or do any of these ring true for you??

“The Incessant”

First, let’s talk about the technology obsession and what it means when I do not call you back for longer than a week. If you called me on Monday, sent me two texts on Tuesday and an e-mail Wednesday, my skin is most likely crawling with the thought of seeing anything with your name on it come through any facet of communication devices.

Men aren’t like that, you say? False.

Again, I like to be equal opportunity when I “bash,” and can tell you that men are just as bad as women, sometimes worse.

EXAMPLE! (We’ll call him Paul)

BACKGROUND: Paul is a nice guy, who for all intents and purposes seems to be super normal, attractive and well put together. He tells you his story right away. After high school he went to college for half a year, worked for a major cell phone company for four years and was terminated because he’s a “victim of the economy.” Lost his job, lost his apartment and moved in with his family to get on his feet. Two weeks later, he’s in a major accident and his car is totaled. Paul has gone on multiple interviews and hasn’t been able to find a job, hanging out mostly with his seven-year old niece and mom. He’s a yes man and a pleaser, which is easy to tell from the get go, replying to everything I say with a “me too!” or a “that’s so great to hear, I’ve been looking for that for so long!” His idea of a big word was pedantic, and says he’s often told he’s a champion when it comes to vocab. Talking continued a few more times, as to not appear rude until finally, it was time to make it clear that we were ultimately not a match. He would IM 25 times a day, no exaggeration. When I’d respond, I’d be short or wouldn’t respond at all, causing him to text me asking, “Are you online right now? Because it says you are.” From there he’d call, explaining he’s bored, just wanted to say hi, etc. Then finally after explaining that I’m not in a good place, not ready for anything and also not particularly interested, I feel as though he’d got the message.

After dodging him for two weeks, he IM’s me, asking how I am, if things have slowed down and if I’ll go out with him now. I say no, I’m sorry, and he should move on…following the IM was an email, asking me to clarify my decision and a text and phone call telling me he sent me an email. Now, as some of you may know, I’m super open when it comes to dating people and will often times give those a chance that others wouldn’t. I say that, to explain that while he was in a bad place in his life, I may still have stopped to see what he was all about, had he not of blown up my media mediums, even after I expressed NO interest. If you have to call me to tell me you texted me, text me to tell me you emailed me and email me to get me to respond to your IM’s or bizarre line of questioning…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Desperation is an ugly stink…and he was bathing in it.

“The Misleader”

This type of delightful gentleman actually gets bundled into another kind of guy whom I’m having trouble naming. I suppose it’s misleading in two ways: one, they portray themselves to be something different in their pictures or actions. Second, they themselves are mislead to believe that they are more fantastic than they really are, which is typically spoon fed early on. These types are both equally annoying, and oftentimes feel justified seeking perfection (which newsflash, does NOT exist) as they themselves feel that they’ve already achieved it. We have to tackle these two different examples of misconception independently.

Type A: I look and act like this, I swear!

Something that tends to happen frequently is when people decide to be someone else to please someone else. Or, they just don’t photograph particularly well, so there are several types of pictures of them to which you’re unsure what they truly look like. OR…OR! You’re fully aware of what you look like, but find pictures that subtly cover what you’re insecure about. EXAMPLE: (We’ll call him Joe). Joe seems like a good guy as well, interested in health and fitness to the extent he recently switched careers to “health promotion,” from what I have no idea as he’s not willing to disclose. He sends me an email, that I’m beautiful and interesting and he would be “honored” (I am not putting words in here, just literally regurgitating it) to chat with me. Honored? Alright…trying too hard…but what the hell, I’ll see what he looks like and what he’s into. There are two pictures of Joe, that are actually the same picture up twice, showcasing Joe sitting at a bar with a hat and sunglasses on drinking a beer. He starts talking to me about how he switched into his new field because “the world is old and fat.”

Hmm…so you must be pretty fit? Pretty active? Health nut? But how am I to be sure? S

o I ask for another picture, one that does not involve the hat or sunglasses and he obliges, telling me that his hair is really short and that he’s not bald. “Okay,” I reply and wait for the message. I’ve got mail…and boy am I shocked to find he is in fact bald in the front and a little heavy. NOW I HAVE NO QUALMS with him being heavy, as I mentioned above (and anyone who knows my dating track record can attest to) I never decide who to date based on looks, as long as there ends up being some sort of physical attraction. Most of the time, I prefer a very tall guy and I could never date a guy who is supermodel thin (it’s just not for me). BUT, when you profess to be a trainer and you profess to be health obsessed and say things like “the world is old and fat,” you better be in perfect shape.

Fail.

Then he proceeds to say, “I bet you don’t want to talk to me anymore…” to which I answer, “Why is that?” although what I’m thinking is, no, I don’t like people who sort of…lie from the get go, no…and he replies, “I’m no Brad Pitt.” Lack of confidence is so sexy, topped off by your general demeanor and outlook on life as well as your…photos that were a little off…we’re done before it begins. If you are negative, lie or create a little “fib,” or lack confidence, OR do not practice what you preach…what happened to “PAUL” above can happen to you. Which it did…but unfortunately, Joe also violated another no-no…do NOT write things when you do not know someone like… “Hey sexy.” It’s revolting, it’s a turn off and it’s yikes worthy. It’s also a sure-fire way for us to not respond, leaving you scratching your bald head wondering why we don’t reply…because, my dear offender…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Type B: I’m awesome, because I say so!

There’s probably been at least one occasion in our dating lives that people have stopped you and been like…what are you thinking? Why date a lagoon create? Why date a heinous bitch? So on, so forth. But for some of us, we give people chances because we believe that they’re unique and special and all that barf worthy stuff. Have you ever encountered someone who you may have known years ago, who liked you, things happen and then suddenly, YOU’RE obsessed? And I don’t mean “you,” but I mean they begin to believe that you’re obsessed with them. Part of you at the time is like, wow, they liked me so long ago and they’re interested and maybe I missed out. So you go out on a limb, because just as you want to be the exception, you figure everyone else does too. Things happen, you think…”Great! I’ve made a good decision to explore past feelings in a mature, adult setting.”

False. FALSE, FALSE, FALSE.

First of all, on a tangent, I’m not sure any mature people even exist and secondly…you can never be too careful. You just can’t. Thinking is a highly dangerous exercise, and acting on your thoughts can be lethal. There was a friend of mine who knew of someone from middle school who was interested in her, and while they hadn’t spoken in many years, he found her and contacted her through some form of social media. “Wow, you are still so beautiful. How are you?!” She apparently had noticed time had been kind to him and he blossomed into a pretty good-looking dude. “You don’t look so bad yourself!” They chatted, he begged her to come visit him and voila! Guess what happened? I trust my readers to be smart, so eh…you know what that means. After the “boom boom pow,”  it was a cute and cuddly morning and lots of appreciation for her coming to see him and being with him, etc. When she returned she tried chatting with him as normal, and (shockingly enough!) he became squeamish, stating that he wasn’t really ready for a relationship.

From what I understand, that’s not what he was saying prior to their hookup, but he’s becoming a singer and couldn’t risk the chances of “blossoming further” and not being able to spread his seed to many more…lucky girls. Her reaction was more of a “get over yourself” attitude, as she was apparently just trying to keep it friendly. What I don’t get is, where someone gets off turning it around. She wasn’t sitting there begging him for a ring, or even a title as boyfriend girlfriend, just wanted to keep it friendly and keep it moving. She says that it was misconstrued, and being the hilarious woman she is, saved and shared the conversations with me. In the beginning, highly interested and then after the “incident,” fell off back into lagoon creature land thinking he’ll make it big as a Hollywood singer and will no longer need her. I suggested, that perhaps it’s because he wanted her so bad in middle school, then got her, then felt it right to be like…”PSYCHE! Gotcha bitch!” Who knows…but frankly, this kid isn’t going to find an Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox…not that he should’ve settled with her ( if he wasn’t happy!) but as crazy as men deem women to be, isn’t it just as crazy to ASSUME that she wanted anything more?

It wasn’t like she was acting like the above men, just trying to be friendly. Where’s the line of crazy drawn? What’s the crazy to friendly ratio and what’s “okay” to contact after a situation and what’s not? AND, who makes these rules?!?!? I’m sure you guys are kind of like, well, that was a slutty thing for her to do. However, did she do anything different then a man would have? She put herself out there thinking that she may have missed a big connection and went for it. I’m proud of her for doing so. If we don’t take risks how do we know? Commendable move, friend!

If we’re trying to be friendly with you and you misconstrue it, finding yourself there going, “WOAH! She wasn’t into me a few years ago, but she SO IS now,” and yet we’re not arguing when you say you don’t want a relationship, but are actually repulsed and irritated on the other end…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Deflate your egos and stop “worrying,” about new obsessive “fans,” who are sincerely trying to keep the friends lane wide open. It’s lame. Seriously. What’s better is she ran into him while out in LA on a trip, they met up, and he made out with a friend of hers right in front of her. Did she freak out? No. Did she drink too much and disclose intimate details about him to his friends…yeah maybe…so an element of crazy still lurks there, but that’s another story for another time.

“Sexual Seduction”

This one in particular is both my favorite, and grosses me out. I’ve been really good, because I’ve been sitting on a few really good stories for a long while now, afraid that the same men who threaten me when they see I’m going to post this to my blog, would actually check up on it at the exact moment I upload “our” stories. Sadly, for this one in particular, I do not care. He’s sufficiently freaked me out for YEARS now and I’m pretty sure it’s time to release our lovely banter out into cyber space. We’ll call him…Jonah. Things that are not sexy…For starters, how about when after many years of not speaking, you feel some sort of delight in contact someone to talk dirty. We all know by now how I feel about “badgering” and this is no exception. He’s actually the original badger, believe it or not. Jonah and I go way back…to middle school, where his brother and I were in the same grade and he was a few years older. Luckily for my friends and I, Jonah taught us all we’d need to know about “pleasing” men by describing play by plays in great detail. At the time, we were young and dumb and soaked it all in, keeping his brother our good friend and having to see him every time we went over to hang out.

After he graduated, we didn’t keep in touch. It wasn’t until years later that Facebook played a huge role in reconnecting us. I was still in Tallahassee at the time, and his name popped up on Facebook chat as I was sitting next to my boyfriend at the time. My boyfriend said, “Who’s that?” I said, “Oh, just some guy from high school.” How do you explain any further when he’s really not important? In any case, he wound up getting very sexually explicit with me, so I removed him from my friends and blocked him from my AIM.

Recently, he resurfaced and I thought…it’s been years, what’s the worst that could happen? I should really ban that phrase from my vocabulary, along with other phrases like “it is what it is,” and “prrrrr-etty good.” Jonah and I reconnect and he instantly pops up on my Facebook chat: “Wow, you turned out to be one sexy Jew!” To which I respond, “Oh, hello there…so nice to hear from you. How are you?” We carry on a normal conversation for a while, but he proceeds to ask me some highly offensive, sexual questions. When I ask how his brother is, he scoots right over it, more interested in what landscaping techniques are, etc. Gross stuff, especially when you’ve not spoke in so long.

Somehow, he reversed blocked me on AIM so that I could not block him back. His sexual forwardness continued to grow, and it was not and is not ok. Particularly when you’re just starting to talk to someone again who already has this whacked view of you. So as I said, he reversed blocked, and so when I’d have statuses up like… “Getting ready for a date!” He’d reply like… “Ooh where am I meeting you,” or “wear something that accentuates your…” etc. I never responded and this is actually still continuing on a small level, despite the fact he literally said, “If this is making you uncomfortable or if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, just tell me.”

SO I did…and where do you think that’s gotten me? If you’re being explicit, you should maybe take a hint when the person says she’s not only not interested but is not responsive to your unique advances. If you’re a freaky person and she’s not, if you’re explicit and inappropriate causing her to feel like screaming every time you contact her and you’re wondering why you get no response? It’s as simple as this, SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

There are all different kinds of people, and everyone has their individual quirks. I suppose when it’s in regards to a typically gender specific topic it just gets me going. There’s no real difference between women and men. They both want what they want: to find the best partner, to be successful, to be loved on whatever level they’re capable of giving and receiving. Men don’t believe me when I tell them I’m relatively drama free, that I abhor conflict and that I’m pretty laid back. Perhaps that’s just my perception, and not reality, as it’s easier for me to be subjective rather than objective but I know I’m not always “fault free” either. No one is innocent, because relationships (friendships included) are (at least) two player games. But the next time you’re wondering why we don’t call, or why we don’t respond to what you say, etc…re-think what your actions may have been to get to that point, and realize…we’re just not that into you.

Me, A Gorgeous Firefighter, And…My Dad?

16 May

 

Come on Baby, Light my Fire!

 

As you’ll start to notice, I go back and forth with my dating regime. I’ll serial date, then quit cold turkey. Soon after, something happens and I always wind up meeting someone by accident and taking a chance.

Enter John, the Firefighter. John is a weird case, because from the get-go there was a ton of physical chemistry. In some respects, even though we had met a few times, I figured when we actually went on a “date” there would be nothing to say. Most of the time was spent drooling over his arms, back, abs…butt…you get the point.

Turns out he is actually quite smart, genuine and all around appeared to be a nice guy. I didn’t want to sound like a jerk, but I had to ask…

Me: “Why on earth are you single? You’re a firefighter, you have perfect teeth and eyes I’d love to dive into. Help me understand!”

He went on to compliment me before saying that he just usually meets “trash,” which is why he’s always hesitant to meet people in bars.

He went on to say he rarely drinks, watches TV, etc and is also not an overly obnoxious health nut.  John seemed relatively perfect…potential mythical unicorn material! Typically that means…there’s a catch!

We spent five hours at a Starbucks, with a constant flow of conversation. It might have been the first time I’d felt a genuine connection with anyone in a long…long…LONG time.

There was a guy who sat down quite some time after we’d been there, and he was an older guy who set up a laptop, mouse pad and some intricate looking mouse for “people who are serious about doing computer work.” He was sitting on John’s side, and periodically, I’d see John’s eyes wander over to the screen. He’d laugh, look back and mouth “oh..my…GOD” to me. Eventually the dude next to us went inside and I asked, “What’s so funny??”

He replies, “The guy next to us is playing World Of Warcraft!” I laugh, and he looks at me and gets very serious…

“Hey, this isn’t your dad, is it?”

“What? NO, that’s not my Dad.”

“I’m just saying, that would be super clever. Like he was here to make sure I was a good dude, and make sure his little girl is ok.”

“I can assure you…that’s not my Dad.”

“Ok…” And he lets it go. Temporarily.

“He’s really looking at me funny…” he says.

The guy can’t hear him because he’s wearing industrial sized headphones.

“John honestly…I can’t make you believe it’s not my dad if you think it is.”

“No no no…you’re right. He’s probably not.”

The conversation went on, and as the night was coming to a partial close/relocation as Starbucks was closed for over 2 hours now and it was only us…and this guy. I decided that since John had already picked up on my humor, and we were sort of already in the “easy part” of the date, I’d mess with him…because that’s the mature, caring individual I am.

“Are you ready to get out of here?”

“Yes, it’s best…it’s 12:30 and the only other person here is this guy,” I say.

“Don’t worry, I’d protect you,” he says with a smile.

“Oh that won’t be necessary,” I reply as we stand up.

“Have a good night kids,” the guy says, indicating he’s probably been able to hear us the WHOLE time.

“GOODNIGHT, DAD!” I look back and yell. The guy was momentarily confused, John went completely ghost white, and I had a good laugh. The way I see it…everyone won!

Epidemic Continues To Spread! Is There Hope For A Cure On The Horizon?

16 May

Are there really ANY words that could do this image of D.A.D.S justice?

 

Congratulations!

If you’re reading this, you’ve come to the realization that you are suffering from one of two very serious afflictions; Dumb Girl Syndrome (D.G.S) or Dumb Ass Dude Syndrome (D.A.D.S). Right now you’re confused and scared, wondering where you’ve contracted this from, who’s to blame and regretting not using protection the last few times. Relax. Sadly, like so many other serious diseases, D.G.S. and D.A.D.S ar typically a genetic defect or something learned from a very early age. Most likely if it’s learned it’s due to an overbearing mother, strict upbringing, or daddy issues. So many Americans in particular between the ages of 13 to douche bag suffer daily, and unfortunately… there seems to be no immediate cure.

“But how can I KNOW for SURE if I suffer from these offensive diseases?”

Great of you to ask! Today, we examine the symptoms of D.G.S and D.A.D.S and pose the serious question: Is there hope for a cure?

 

“Like, O.M.G, D.G.S?”

D.G.S, or Dumb Girl Syndrome, is continuing to run rampant. It appears to stem from need for attention, affection, or extreme denial. Girls who suffer from D.G.S are typically very easy to spot, as they tend to run in packs. During the winter season, they typically migrate north and west, clamoring to NY to catch a glimpse of the girls from The Hilly City (whoever they are) or to LA to become the next contestant on The Real World (I’m going to be famous!). These girls are skittish, so if you approach them, be sure to do so calmly and without food in hand as they’re most likely hungry (eating= a major no no! But, you CAN have a cheese cube if you’re about to pass out). A half-caff, light mocha frap has been known to calm the beast, but NO WHIPPED CREAM…God help you if there’s whipped cream…

Other symptoms tend to include possessing one or more magazines in their gigantic mansion of a purse that often accompanies a small dog closely resembling a stuffed animal rather than an actual animal! These girls tend to drag their dogs everywhere, treating their pet as an accessory. Let me ask you a serious question…do you really think fluffy wants to be shoved into a Louie knock-off and toted around while you walk the city, read in Borders and gossip about how Scott likes to call you at 2 AM but cannot commit? If I was a toy dog, I’d demand to be left home so I could flounce about the house believing I was living in a giant “Fluffy” based world.

Many girls afflicted with D.G.S suffer from two other major symptoms, including an oomp-ish orange hue and skunk-hair (defined by a platinum blond top layer of hair with a bright color or dark brown layer underneath). If you see this, do not blame these misguided girls as they are simply victims of trend and excessive media consumption. Someone needs to drop some knowledge on these girls that what the Gossip Girls or Katy Perry do are not gospel. Just because you see it, does not mean you must imitate.

For example: spandex leggings. Whoever reintroduced this fashion statement should be exiled! News flash: spandex…not for everyone. In addition, the reintroduction of hammer pants, or as some call them “genie” pants? N-O-T cute, and in this case not for anyone unless of course you’re actually M.C. Hammer…or live in a bottle.

All girls suffering from D.G.S suffer denial and misguided notions, particularly when it comes to men. They cannot conceive why they’re not married or in a relationship, why their ex’s have not returned to shout from the roof-tops “I’m so sorry, I made a huge mistake!” This is very closely related to the book turned movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you’re sitting there thinking, “that is so not true, I know he’s just intimidated by my beauty or my success…or my…love for my dog,” etc. then may I suggest you pick up a copy of either.

Is there hope for a cure? Let’s be serious. As long as the Paris Hilton’s and the like are some sort of diluted version of role models or public figures, my guess is no. While I’d like to say I’m optimistic for the future and finding a cure for this disease, I see little to no chance of that happening in my lifetime or those to come. Sorry. How do we avoid and/or comfort those suffering with this terminal illness? With laughter. Look around…one out of three women you know is suffering from this. If you can’t figure out who it is, as the old saying goes… it’s you.

 

So, you’re becoming a D.A.D!

This subject is one of my favorites, and one I love to talk about with passion! I love men (albeit typically the wrong ones, but none the less)…real MEN. Not man-boys, or the ever-present “man-baby.” Also on my list of “dislikes” are the symptoms included within this awful and sadly…flourishing disease. Men, brace yourself…these are the symptoms that if you have 1 or more, could mean that YOU…are becoming a D.A.D.

I would generally just write, “large sunglasses,” as a distinctive characteristic of this disease that both boggles my mind and infuriates me. If your sunglasses are larger than mine, that’s an issue. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s idiocy and frankly sir…you look ridiculous! Oh, don’t believe me? Going to purchase some new shades? Ahhhh yes, I see you’ve chosen the ultra douche bag large WHITE sunglasses, or the sunglasses that shouldn’t even be classified as glasses because they have lines through the center of it. NICE choice. NEWS FLASH MEN: Kanye West…is an idiot. Anything he does, you should go ahead and do the complete opposite. He’s not black Jesus, he’s not the best thing to happen to fashion,  he’s a man…with bad taste. Large sunglasses are the largest indicator of D.A.D.S…get it together men.

On the topic of de-manification, let’s discuss the following: guyliner, skinny jeans, Ed Hardy, shiny metallic gear of any kind and bejeweled ANYTHING. I’ve got to tell you…if I see one more embossed Eagle, Snake or false idea of manly-hood decorated in beads I used to play with from my Pretty, Pretty, Princess game when I was five, I’m going to LOSE it. If your jeans are skinnier and tighter than mine, if you’re wearing silver metallic gear, using my eye liner or foundation, OR if you’re wearing more jewelry (cubic zirconia, of course) and hair gel then I am… we have an issue (potentially multiple). When did gender lines become so blurred that it’s acceptable for people to say, “what a cute couple, now which one of you is which? Oh, nice black nail polish dude, it really matches your snake that’s on fire on your sleeveless vest and matching leather murse (man purse)!”

YIKES.

Similarly, the phrase “No Homo” comes to mind. Not only is the phrase incredibly offensive, but really? You need to make it clear to those around you that although you just said you love your guy friend, you’re not gay? And…you think…saying that phrase makes it better? Actually, it leads me to believe that while I wasn’t previously thinking you had any sexual interest in your friend…now? I kind of do!

How about this real life example I saw on a friend of mine’s wall on Facebook from another guy friend from high school:

“Hey dude. I was thinking about soccer the other day and I thought of you, so I thought I’d drop by your wall and leave some love. It made me so happy to see you with a girl in your picture and it seems like you’re happy, which makes me happy…no homo…take care.”

WHAT? Anybody catch what just happened?

I was thinking about you. I wanted to leave you love. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m not gay though. Alrighty then! Guys, you sound ridiculous. It’s okay to wear things that make people question your eh… “openness,” but heaven forbid they think you care and have girly emotions. PSSSH…how “homo.”

Another unfortunate side effect of D.A.D.S stems from factors starting at childhood. Men, just because your mother has told you since you were able to breathe that you are the hottest, most talented, smartest, gift to women in the WORLD does NOT give you a free range to be an ass. It also doesn’t mean you’ve won the lottery and are able to run around with a free “act like a douche for life” card. False. Take a look at why you haven’t had a successful relationship in years, or why you’ve been single and no one wants to get near your bejeweled fire snake for more than a second or two. And of course, that hot piece of ass feeding you compliments is…your mom.

D.A.D.S often enjoy provoking you to talk about their “situation down below,” or want to talk about how they’ve had a girlfriend for five years but still like to get freaky with other women.

Is there a hope for a cure? It’s not likely. As long as trends are in power, brains lack in power, and parents try to program their “little pieces of perfection” from the get go…de-manification will continue to lead to a more prevalent outbreak of D.A.D.S until it takes over all of the remaining (alleged) “real men.”

 

If you know anyone who fits in D.G.S or D.A.D.S or can foresee a cure in the near future, we at the “Foundation for a Yikes-Free Future,” would love to hear from you!

Tales Of Online Dating: Poopie Pants

16 May

It’s not me, it’s YOU. A thousand times, YOU!

This story that I’m about to tell is particularly strange, but I swear on my dog’s life…it’s legit. I have this awful habit of getting frustrated with the normal dating scene and turning to the Internet. I’ve only done it a few times, for reasons you pretty obvious by the time this post is done. So! One summer a few years ago I got very tired of being single. My mother says to me, “You should try J-Date.” J-Date it a site where other Jewish people can get together and date, kind of like Match.com or E-Harmony….just for Jews. The entire reason my mom pushes this is because I do not date my own kind. Weird? Maybe. But it’s how I roll.

ANYWAY!

I join and see two guys worth giving my screen name to. Not even phone numbers, but email/IM. Fine. Cut to an IM I receive from George, a teacher from Miami who “seems” relatively well-adjusted minus the main profile picture being him and Goofy from a recent trip to Disney.

Him: Did I tell you the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me?
Me: Ehm…no? We’ve only been talking for about 10 minutes now.
Him: Well it happened today, do you want to know?
Me: Sure? Go for it….

What the hell was I getting into! I was definitely not ready for the response I received.

Him: So today, I’m on the way home and I got stuck in some heavy traffic.
Me: Okay…that seems pretty standard.
Him: I realized that it was too late to turn off anywhere and I really had to…pee. So I just kind of went. Right there. In my pants.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (etc.)
Him: IT’S NOT FUNNY! IT’S A SERIOUS CONDITION.
Me: (still laughing) OMG…you cannot be serious!
Him: Very!!!

Okay, I sign off. I’m disgusted a little, but think it’s hilarious. No way it could humanly be true, right? For  reasons I cannot explain at the moment, I decide not to block him. After a few weeks of not hearing from him, I completely forgot that he even existed.

About a month later….

Him: Hi, remember me?
Me: I think so…George?
Him: Yes, how are you doing?

Cut to boring conversation of pleasantries for the next five minutes. Then…cut back to this.

Him: Did I tell you the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me?
Me: Yes, you did…last time.
Him: No, something else happened pretty recently.
Me: Uh…I don’t…think…
Him: Well, I’m driving home again, but this time…I had to poop.
Me: WHAT!? You are going to tell me….at 25….you had to poop while driving home, so you just…pooped? Right in the car? In your PANTS?
Him: Don’t act so repulsed! What would YOU do in that situation?
Me: HOLD IT LIKE AN ADULT!

I blocked him immediately and got off J-Date. Come to find out, he lives with his ex-girlfriend who takes cares of him because he got pneumonia a thousand years ago and was bed ridden. While being confined to the bed he had to use diapers because he was too weak to get up and evacuate his bowels by his lonesome. He now has a fetish; he said the doctors were trying desperately to “wean” him off of…at 25.

It’s been about four years since this entire scenario has entered my head, although it’s one of my favorite stories.

A few months ago, I caught up with a friend from High School who went away for College and had recently returned. Somehow, in the mix I overhear her telling my friend the story of this guy she met online that was so bizarre. “He used to like to wear diapers,” she said. “And be cleaned up and stuff like a baby. Loved it.”

“ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT A GUY NAMED GEORGE?” I ask. To which she replied, “Yep, I sure am!”

How crazy…further proof how small the World can be, and why sometimes it’s better to just meet someone naturally and not try to “squeeze a relationship out,” or “Bowel down” to Internet dating.  It’s just not something I want to “doo.”

I’m out of poop puns, I promise!