Relationships: You’re Doing it Wrong

4 Feb
WORD.

WORD.

Sadly, when I think of my friends right now, I want to shake most of them and throat punch the rest of them.  If you’re anything like me, your friends (men and women) are stuck on stupid (whether it’s figurative, or that dude with the leather jacket and bad life decisions we tried to warn them about).  While I can’t really say what’s happened over the years, I can say that getting older and dealing with your friends who are in relationships (or who desperately want someone in their life) has become tiring, frustrating and downright pathetic.

We’re young and settling, making excuses instead of empowering each other to make better decisions. Part of it is that it’s a rough world out there for the single folk. The older you get the more you start to feel like you’re at a carnival with only bearded women. Except some of those women are dudes. It’s a metaphor.

People are so afraid to be alone it’s scary. Everyone is jumping into relationships, pushing for engagements and marriage, but are they even sure of who they are and what they want? Sure, you may never know, but isn’t it more important to know yourself before you entertain knowing/loving someone else? I’m no rocket scientist, but…seems pretty simple and mind-blowing to me.

If it’s not bad enough, each friend has their own sort of “relationship slogan” as I like to call them:

–          “OMG that’s totally how it was for me. TOTALLY.”

–          “It just takes one.  I mean, I thought it was going to be this other guy, but he wasn’t the one.”

–          “I had to go through a LOT of jerks.”

–          “And here I thought you couldn’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Welp, I was WRONG.”

Now, for no reason whatsoever, here are the things I’m sick of:

Female friends:

1. Just because you were in a bad relationship and now you’re in a good one does NOT make you a relationship expert.

2. Stop making excuses. Just stop. “Well, I promised I’d do this thing because I mean, he did this thing that doesn’t matter for me, but now I just feel like I owe him, you know what I mean?” Or “I just feel like I have to. He’s like, a really good guy at heart I think. The two manslaughter charges against the family of armadillos are TOTALLY getting dropped in 2014.”

3. Stop crying over rotten men. Just like expired milk, toss it in the garbage and don’t look back. Would you drink expired milk? (No: then why would you stay in something that has expired three weeks ago?) (Yes: well, you’re just one sick puppy, aren’t ya?)

4. Stop pretending that your relationship is perfect. It’s not. Know why? (spoiler alert) NOTHING is perfect. If you’re trying to get me to believe that your honey does nothing but poop rainbows and sunshine, try again.  (I’ve lived with two men, I know better)

5. Stop MAKING UP PROBLEMS to talk about your men. “Oh my GOD, I was so pissed at Tom last night. You’ll never guess what he did!” No. Wrong. I probably will. And guess what? It’s not that bad. If he forgot to meet you out, didn’t want to come over, etc…shut it. Just shut it…and leave him alone. He’s a human being.

6. Don’t forget your friends. Even though you choose to neglect them for whatever your reasoning may be (probs because we’re too single and fabulous to be around. Or, more likely because we come in a team of 1 and you’re now a team of 2), they’re still there. AND, we’ll either be there at the wedding, or there to help move you out.

7. Don’t invite us out to couples night and pretend you’re a different kind of couple. “No, no! Come out! Yes, it’s couples game night and you’d be the only one there alone, BUT…I mean…we’re NOT that kind of couple.” Ah yes, that feels fun. Your intentions are good, but c’mon….c’mon…that leaves your single friends ready to hop in the bathtub and listen to Sade’ then play a little skin violin. At least do us a solid and bring that delightful single person you keep trying to hook us up with.

8. In other news, stop trying to hook us up with your boyfriend’s shitty friends. We don’t want them. He’s awful. They’re awful. Stop it.

9. Stop complaining about not going out anymore. “Oh man, I envy you…you get to cram your feet in 8’ heels, put on a short glitter skirt and parade around. What a lucky gal.” No one past 23 actually ENJOYS doing that.

10. STOP ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AT GIRLS NIGHT EVERY TIME YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CALLS, DESPITE KNOWING YOU’RE AT GIRLS NIGHT. Holy cow, nothing makes me crazier. Then you answer the phone, “Hey babe. No, I’m just sitting here with Ally. Well, did you poop today? You did? That’s a big boy. What color was it? Ok babe, I have to go but I love you. Congrats on your giant turd.”

Male Friends:

1. Dude, I get it. Boobs are totally awesome. I have a set. At some point, my level of cool is compromised and I just can’t hear about or help you judge a “juicy pair of jugs.” RESPECK.

2. Stop telling me about your “standards.” Psssh. What you should say is: this is what I’d like…if Jack Daniels wasn’t involved.

3. Another thing about your “standards” is be REALISTIC. If you’re a pseudo lagoon creature, stop trying to look for a girl who is a Victoria’s Secret model, with the brain of Einstein who wants to do nothing but blow you, bake brownies and have babies. Actually, if you meet a woman who wants the 3 B’s (as I just mentioned) you marry her…marry her, I say!

4.  Stop making excuses for crazy women. Some bitches be cray…recognize a red flag or 15 when they unfurl and move on.

5. No, I will not set you up with any more of my friends after the last incident. You know what I’m talking about; I don’t think I have to say it.

I think it’s the same principle that people talk about at award shows…ya know, don’t forget the little people. Bitter? No. Jaded? Maybe a little. Happy for those who genuinely find something good? You betcha. As for the rest of your heffers who are willing to settle for anyone who’s interested in you? Keep it to yourself, the adults are talking.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Lesson on the “The Letdown Chat”

11 Jun

 

 

Ahh, a first date. So much goes into the making.

If you’re part of the online dating scene, you know the protocol:

1. Contact them online

2. Wait for response

3. Get their response, and then make them wait extra time to hear a response because we’re “very busy”

4. Determine whether or not there is enough in common to look past their love for cats, quoting Scarface (which never gets old), and that their favorite food is corned beef and cabbage.

5. Finally, you decide to go out and meet them. Take the leap. The plunge. The final nail in the “will you be the one I can stand for more than one date” coffin.

Meeting a new prospect is always intimidating. You have no idea who you’re really going to meet. Sure, their pictures look respectable and you may click a thousand percent on the phone or via text, but that doesn’t mean that in person things will be so easy.

If all goes well, you both click. It’s an evening full of laughter and easy conversation, drinks and happiness and puppies, kittens and ponies.

If it so happens you two meet, you know within the first five minutes whether things are going to work out or not. We’re all relatively smart, we can feel it. Sometimes we sit through the entire date, let the person tell us about their occasional coke habit, let them call you chubby because “HEY, I AM TOO!” and really let themselves make an ass of themselves.

So you drink, eat, conversate, then leave. If it’s been a day or so and you don’t hear anything and don’t feel compelled to chat with them…the point is pretty much moot. It didn’t work out in real life. If you two could have a total text relationship, holy shit, you two would rock the face off relationships. However, sadly, you cannot solely exist in an online realm.

What really chaps my ass, is when two days later, you get “The letdown chat.” It’s that moment where the other person just wants to say hi, they had a great time, but…

1. I’ve been hurt too much lately to get into something new

2. I think we’d make better friends

3. You kiss like my grandfather ( those were very confusing times)

4. If you want to keep it casual, just sex and stuff, I could swing that…but emotional investment? Naaaah

5. I just generally don’t like your face…that’s it. Really.

People are putting way too much pressure on the first time. Just like most “firsts” in your relationship, they may not rock right off the bat. If the person you weren’t really vibing with is sending texts, asking “when am I going to see you next?” etc., THEN I could understand “the letdown chat.” When there is no communication for several days, and YOU bring it up? Well, then you’re just the worst kind of person.

Problems with “the letdown chat:”

1. It never starts off with a, “What did you think? Were you into it?”

That could save so much time and embarrassment. If you didn’t like me, solid chance that I felt similarly. Why not ask before you arrogantly give me one of your famous talks?

2. It’s choc full of backhanded compliments

“No it’s just, you have an amazing personality…and if this were a few months ago and I felt like dating a lagoon creature, I’d be ALL about this.”

“It’s really that I’m not ready. I’m not over my ex, but I thought I’d try a dating site and see other people in the meantime. If I WAS up for dating, trust me, it’d be you.”

“Your warm embrace and short arms remind me of a t-rex, and t-rex’s are MY FAVORITE dinosaur!”

“I’d totally tear you a part…but that’s all I can handle right now. That cool?”

 

Maybe stop for a second and consider…was I the only one feeling this? Perhaps they weren’t really vibing with me either. BUT NO, how could they NOT vibe with me? For all I am all that is awesome.

“The letdown chat” should be done on mutual grounds. It shouldn’t be brought up out of nowhere, all cavalier and such, and it shouldn’t be based on assuming that the one you’re letting down will in fact feel…let down.

If we don’t speak for two days, don’t feel compelled to let me know how sorry you are it won’t work out. Chances are, I feel similarly and will not be lying in my bathtub later with a jug o’wine, listening to Dido and trying to not put the razor to my wrist. Just because your mother says you’re perfect, doesn’t always mean it’s true 😉

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

A Simple Guide On How To Suck Less, Overall!

22 May

Amen!

 

It’s a little difficult for me to write a serious post, as I tend to enjoy making people laugh more than anything else. Today, unfortunately, due to my somber mood…I’m going to drop some seriousness up in here. I’d like to talk about the suckery, upset, disappointment and general douchebaggery that seems to be continuing to get worse. People are not who they portray themselves to be, they lie more and more, and it’s becoming difficult to trust anyone or believe any of the drivel they say. The other issue, is that South Florida is a small place. When you get into the different religious, political, cultural and hobby-based circles that people participate in…it gets that much smaller.

My point is, like Margaret Thatcher said (or maybe it was Trick Daddy), “Everybody knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody.”

That being said, here’s a small guide on how to suck less, overall.

  1. Start by telling the truth: It’s not that hard. Just make sure when you open up that giant suck hole on your face, words come out that are purposeful, meaningful, and oozing with honesty instead of laced with a big load of bull.
  2. Care a little: I’m a human being, and would love to be respected and talked to as such. Beyond that, I need to learn not to be overly trusting and compassionate. I know, how silly of me to believe in others…right?
  3. Integrity… “GET YOU SOME!” I think that’s my new tagline, grammar be damned. Nobody panic. I’ve noticed that everyone’s integrity has gone out the window. Snuck out in the middle of the night. “Hide yo morals, hide yo values…they stealing everyone’s integrity up in here!” Well, just like “The Bed Intruder,” I have the same message… “Don’t worry, Integrity! We are LOOKING for you!” I’m so incredibly disappointed with people in general, and I have lost all hope.
  4. Show yourself, as you are…from the get go: Here’s the thing…if we don’t know each other well, that means you have no idea who I know and I have no idea who you know. While I mentioned above that everyone knows someone, I’d like to reiterate. You are dumb to hide anything, or try to portray yourself as a mythical unicorn…if you’re just a jackass with a cone-shaped headpiece on.  Someone will hear your name, and instinctively regurgitate everything and anything they know…and you will be…le fucked.
  5. Google is a hell of a tool, and apparently…so are you: If by now, the power of Google is a shocking notion to you, I’d like you to participate in the following exercise. Extend your dominant arm, making your dominant hand rigid and bringing your fingers to a point.  Please proceed to swing that hand at your face, until you slap some sense into your clearly empty head. SO you withheld a marriage…a divorce…5 kids…a prison record…that you lived in another state…you lost jobs for sexting or sexing coworkers? All these dirty little things you thought you could keep secret and still portray yourself as an upstanding member of the community…jokes on you, SUCKA. What you chose to not share, Google did…in 5 seconds. In seconds, I learn what would normally take days, weeks, or even months.

Overall, I like to think I’m pretty forgiving (dumb), understanding (stupid), and all around trusting (silly little girl). I’m upfront and honest, and seriously am more confused by the dishonesty of others and general craptastic demeanor that seems to be on display 24/7.

As Biggie Smalls once said (or was it Dr. Suess?), “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you can adhere to these five simple rules above (which most humans should be able to considering a MONKEY and a ROBOT could probably handle it), you’ll be well on your way to sucking less…overall.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Top 10 Things Keeping You Single (And Stupid)

21 May

 

I thought I’d drop some knowledge on things that are pretty much guaranteed to keep you single…forever. It’s not rocket science, it’s just the science of chemistry (see what I did there?) and being comfortable with who you are. That being said, here are the top 10 things keeping YOU single.

 

1.  Persistent on finding perfection

Newsflash kids, no one is perfect, despite what Disney® and flicks involving Katherine Heigl would like to have you believe. Here’s the key to finding happiness: figure out the components of a relationship that matter most to you. If finding a guy with a huge…salary is really important, maybe examine why that is and how that could be holding you back.  Men, if you’re looking for a woman who has a huge set…of standards, maybe you should re-examine if the standards are “real” or if they’re just high maintenance. The fact is, everyone is looking for their Adriana Lima orChris Evans. It’s not about finding perfection, because as it turns out…no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on someone who is perfect, restructure your priorities to find someone who is perfect for you. OR, get used to the idea of living with a lot of cats named “Nipsy” and dying alone. Either way.

2.  Relax and stop over planning

You’ve met someone new. Yay! You’re one step closer to not becoming the aforementioned cat person. With a new experience comes extensive excitement. Try to refrain from getting overly excited and making plans for the future. I’m not talking wedding, honeymoon, or baby plans (although don’t do that either…seriously), but plans for your birthday three months from now or even your cousin’s briss in two weeks. Calm down. Let things happen slowly and naturally because the reality is you can’t plan for anything. The second you start planning ANYTHING, if you listen closely, you can hear the Universe laughing it’s ass off and quietly whispering… “Game on, mofo.”

3. Alcohol + Communication= Recipe for FAIL

We’re adults here, right? Most of us enjoy a drink or twelve every now and then. Similarly, we live on our phones and find texting or Facebook the most pertinent form of communication. Although reading things like Texts From Last Night orDamn You Auto Correct seems really hilarious, it’s not as funny when you’re on the inside. In addition (and more importantly), it can scare the crap out of someone you’re barely speaking to when they receive a drunk text professing your interest in them when they barely know you. It makes you look short-bus special, immature, and like you can’t control your alcohol or emotions. “No…but like….seriously…you’re the prettiest girl at work, I swear. I SWEAR. I’d…lick your face if I was your dog.” Not cool. Stop it, or get used to repeating this phrase in multiple languages: “Table for one, please?”

 

4. Stop making excuses

Do I really have to talk about “bitch-assness” again? Stop being whiny, sad individuals. Reality is, if they want to see you, talk to you, hang with you or be your significant other…chaaaances are…they’re going to make it happen. Your friends are tired of hearing you whine about why the barista from the coffee shop isn’t into you. “But he gave me signs! He gave me EXTRA FOAM, I TELL YOU!” In addition, if someone is flirting with others in front of you, making out with other people, or treating you like you’re just another one of the guys/gals…holy cow, get the hint people. Read this sentence carefully and preferably out loud: HOLDING ON TO THOSE FROM THE PAST, OR IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD TOWARDS SOMETHING REAL.

5.  Make some single friends

We’re at that magical time in life where the majority of our friends have significant others. While that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s necessary to keep a core group of single friends who are still willing to go out. I don’t mean “go out and look for tail,” so much as I mean just…go out. FACT: when people start a relationship, they want to spend all their time together. They want to learn each other in more ways than one, and friendship can often take a backseat. You have to continue to love those friends and be happy for them, but start to find out what’s going on with other friends who are still available and ready to join things, go to events, or even just spend a night out eating dinner/having drinks and talking about the single circuit.  Also, it’s totally ok to get annoyed that your relationship friends answer the phone every single time their significant other calls (which is every five minutes), just swallow the bits of sadness and think about dusting off that old friendship “black-book.”

6.  Chiggity-check your standards

Having incredibly unreasonable “Disney®-esque” standards, or Victoria Secret model standards aren’t exactly fair…but having NO standards is pretty unacceptable as well. Sweet lord, how many times can I repeat this? How about I continue to repeat it as many times as it takes for people to get a clue or two? Nobody (and I repeat NOBODY) likes someone who will just “take anyone.” I was talking to a guy friend once and things got flirty. I said, “Well, I don’t think I’m your type.” He responded, “Sure you are. I like anything.” Not even anyone…anything. All desire for him? Dead. Done. Be realistic. If you’re a partial lagoon creature, stop judging people based on THEIR looks. If you’re a little bit hefty, stop commenting that the person of interest isn’t “fit enough.” Fitness, looks, beauty, and sweet abs FADE. After all that stuff is gone, what do you geniuses think you’ll be stuck with? Essentially…a really nice piece of art. Something really great to look at, but you can’t really talk to it…or have it comfort you in the way you’d like. Sure, it doesn’t make jobs and the paint is kind of fading, but at one time…man that thing was a hot piece of…art. Reality can be an eye-opener. Know your worth and don’t settle for less…but if you hang on a high horse, it could be the only steed you’re able to ride.

7. Input overload

Friends and family can be great, but ultimately there’s only one thing you should listen to…your gut instinct. This is a little two-fold. On one hand, people care about you and want to give you their perspective. When you’re in a new relationship or experience, it’s easy to “put the blinders on” and roll with it. “Well, she was married before…but he just couldn’t accept she is a highly sexual person.” That’s what she tells you, and what your friends and family hear is…she’s a filthy, filthy whore who probably cheated.

In scenarios like that, taking advice/perspective/insight/input is a good thing. Now, on the OTHER hand…misery loves company. If your single friends hear you say, “Well, he is really working on it. He doesn’t want to lose me, he’s just been hurt before,” regardless of whether that’s true or not…they want his head on a stake. Not necessarily because your guy isn’t a GOOD guy, but because he has now separated you from the pack…and they’re pissed.  They are now a lone wolf. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy; it’s that they don’t want you to be happy if they’re not happy too. Ahh…friendship. In the end, decide whom you can trust and rely on to provide you with non-biased, objective feedback when you require it. Be selective with the information you process, so that your brain isn’t trying to take fifteen people’s opinions into consideration, thus putting you one step closer to spooning something else besides your body pillow at night.

8. Leave some mystery

If you tell the person you’re talking to everything there is to know about you within the first few times of meeting, what’s left? Try to staple that huge suck hole on your face from ruining your chances right off the bat. Your new prospect doesn’t want to hear about the time you went to the bathroom on the floor of your ex’s apartment because you were so drunk you thought it was the toilet. They don’t want to hear about the time, you walked in on grandma showering and that’s how you identified she had melanoma and saved Thanksgiving of 1997.  I know you’re excited by the “newness” of the person, but c’mon…c’mon…pull it back a little. Discuss the little things. Little things can plant the seed that grows into talking about more serious things, silly things, etc. As much as you want to say, “I’m an upfront person. I like to lay it out there!” Sometimes it’s too much, too soon. You shouldn’t NOT be yourself, but should ease the other person into you slowly. It’s their first time with you, so be gentle.

9.  Snappin’ ass bitches, sleep with sad wishes

Snap judgments are the quickest way to both end something that could be potentially awesome, and make people think you are a crazy person. People come from all sorts of experiences, some good and of course some bad. Try not to drag your previous experiences into the mix. It makes for a bitter batter and the relationships tend not to rise to their full potential when that happens (how are these baking puns doing?). Remember that your NEW prospect isn’t any of your ex’s. Yes, it’s great to heed warning signs…but don’t live in your head. Read this line, over and over out loud preferably (we’ve done this exercise before!): IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO ACCEPT THE POTENTIAL OF GETTING HURT AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT READY FOR SOMETHING NEW.

Listen. Learn. Live. Love. AND let things go.

10. Stop seeing being single as a “problem”

People who feel like being single is the equivalent of leprosy make me want to vomit. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing we complain about more than anything is being alone? Then we’re finally NOT alone and suddenly just want freedom. FACT: YOU MUST BE OK WITH BEING BY YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY BE WITH ANOTHER.  So many good things are associated with being single. Need a few? How about not answering to anyone? Go out as late as you want, do what you want, don’t have to deal with someone else’s family (who are probably bananas anyway, and like to fart in public places), you get the WHOLE bed to yourself…and the best? Married people want to BE US. It’s not a bad thing. Be happy being you and the rest will come.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sugar Daddy’s, Boy Toys, or Something In-Between?

21 May

“Knock, knock…it’s love. Are you ready?”

Everyone has their type, right? If you have to label it, it’s who you’re attracted to instantly without even thinking about it.  I like to claim I’m super predictable with my choices in men; someone who’s over 6’0” tall, dark hair, dark eyes…what my friends and I refer to as, “tall, dark and sturdy!”

Although I claim that I like those men, I usually wind up only dating men who carry a couple of those characteristics. Tall? Definitely. Dark? Not always. Sturdy? None of your business.

The only other major consistency is that they’re always older than I am. In high school, college and even now, I’ve stuck to dating older dudes. Recently, there’s been an influx of “chance meetings” with some really incredibly genuine younger guys, which has me wondering if maybe it’s time to a leap out of my comfort zone.

Ol’ G’s V. Young Gents

Sure it’s all about preference, but let’s peep some REAL pros and cons of dating Ol’ G’s!

Pros:

1. Let’s keep it real: Homeboy knows what to do in the bedroom. They’ve had experience; they know what works and what doesn’t and can typically afford to take a moment to listen to what the lady wants.  Taking their time and ensuring that we reach our “final destination” is something they take a lot of pride in. Also, (unlike the Young Gents) they’re less shocked someone wants to sleep with them and therefore are in less of a hurry to “get to business” on the off-chance the lady changes her mind.

2.  Cultured: Older men are perceived as more worldly, cultured and put together. We assume they are well-traveled, know what’s going on in the world and can show us things we’ve never been exposed to in a whole new way. They like art, they’ll see musicals with you or hit up a concert without feeling like it’s “too cool.”

3.  Accomplished: Here’s where a lot of Ol’ G’s come in first. A woman in college is looking for a guy who at least has a “plan” of where he wants to go and how he wants to get there. A woman post college is looking for a guy with the drive to implement that “plan” and show initiative and maturity. These Ol’ G’s are already older than you, (whatever age that is) which implies there’s a better chance their shit…is together. No one wants to be standing behind someone their entire life pushing them uphill and begging them to do something with themselves.

4. Patience, My Dear Watson: Ol’ G’s have patience, yo! They are more apt to let you be you, because you’re younger than them…and they’re into it. On top of that, they are perceived as mentors almost. Ol’ G’s can be there while you grow and help you through those rough spots, because they’ve been there and been through it and won’t freak out when you freak out. In addition, the notion is that they’ll take care of you, look out for you, and cherish you in a way that most Young Gents won’t (because they still think they can do better…suckers).

Cons:

1. If we’re keeping it real: Sometimes, the motion in the ocean is outdated. There’s nothing fun, there’s really no passion and they just do what they’ve been used to doing the past 1,000 years that’s “gotten them by.” Furthermore, they are a little over impressed with themselves when it comes to the bedroom, but also super insecure. More often than not, you can hear “So…how was it?” “Was it ok?” “And how do I rate, by comparison?” come out of their mouths not ten seconds after you both collapse. Also, be aware…older CAN be sexy, but the same way men get all judgmental about things “not being in place,” newsflash men…it happens to you too.  Even at 30, some men sport the ultra-sexy “frog butt” and matching set of “moobs.”

2. Damaged Goods:  As men get older, they collect experiences the same way women do. The thing is, no matter what people say about men not doing the same thing that women do (going a little bit cray cray), they are liars. If men have gone through a marriage, divorce (or two), cheated, been cheated on, it seriously does wonders to their psyche as well (what a shock, they’re human!). Some will be nice and tell you up front that they have “issues” which is great, because it affords you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether or not to continue on. However, most Ol’ G’s have a knack for letting you get about three to six months in before releasing the full levels of crazy. “Oh, your mom wants to basically be in the room with us while we have at it? Cool!”

3. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: With the Ol’ G’s you have to be careful. Those who were scorned, like above, tend to try to “play the field.” The thing is, most of the ones who want to play the field have been sitting on the bench for a while. Most of the need to be this “pimp persona” comes from them feeling old and the desire to feel young and reckless again. So, although your friends are saying things like “you let him do WHAT with you? Oh…that…is gross.” He thinks he’s David Beckham’s lost twin. If this persists, let that splendid super-genius free and see what kind of “hot tail” he picks up. It’s great for a chuckle or ten.

4.  I see your future…and it looks bleak:  There are two types of Ol’ G’s. One wants to settle down right away and build a family. Maybe six months in, things are THERE. The alternative version is more closely related to #3 above. He doesn’t want to commit, because he feels he doesn’t have to. Or, he’s terrified…like the rest of us. He’ll have you move in, then freak out, then move back in…then show you a ring…then when you break up, he’ll sit in your face and say, “you know…I never really saw us getting married. I think that’s what the problem was.”

 

Young Gents:

Often seen as “not together” or immature, can Young Gents sometimes be the better choice when it comes to dating?

Recently I’ve had the good fortune of meeting two young men who sparked my interest. One in particular, and I’m about to essentially explain why. As a matter of fact, he’s the reason that I thought about writing this. Ordinarily, I’d immediately discredit him because he’s younger…but boy, oh boy, have I been pleasantly surprised.

Let’s get to it!

Pro’s:

1.  Tabula Rosa:  Here’s the best thing I’ve learned about younger guys thus far; they’re not jaded, angry, and cynical or automatically expecting the worst. They’re genuine about their actions, their excitement and passion for life and having a good time with all they do. Most of them have had one, maybe two serious relationships in their entire life, thus making them open to new experiences without having a set “type.”  Plus, on a selfish side…you can teach them/mold them into what you’d like them to be without them catching on until it’s too late ( shhhh…don’t tell them).

2.  Are we still keepin’ it real? How are things with a young guy in the boudoir? Can’t say. Don’t know. But I’d expect that it’s probably not as smooth as with someone older. However, they know all the new moves, and I’m sure they’re excitement to go at it…and at it…and it…is probably an epic pro. Again, they’re probably just happy to be doing it on a consistent basis. BUT can they “man up” and be as aggressive, passionate and eh…fun as someone with a few more years of expertise?

3.  Livin’ in the fast lane: Ol’ G’s can be boring because they’re balls deep in “real life.” What’s great about the Young Gents is that they’re up for anything, anytime, anywhere. You want to go rock climbing at 7pm on a Wednesday? DONE! You want to hang out on the couch or go see a movie and just chill? NOT…A…PROBLEM. They can hang home and play the Wii or go to a bar or 12 and live large for the night (because they still have their parent’s credit cards).

4. They care. For real:  Maybe this is too close to #1, but it’s so true. There’s something about them that’s so purely genuine and real it’s almost alarming. You’re not sure whether they’re being sarcastic, or they’re REALLY that nice. Ol’ G’s who text you “So excited to go out tonight!” are probably mocking you. When a Young Gent says, “Can’t wait! It’s going to be a lot of fun,” they are serious and really mean it.

Cons:

1. Training: Sadly, it’s both a positive and a negative to have the opportunity to help mold and shape a young mind. On the negative end of the spectrum, no one wants to date someone they have to teach how to approach a woman.  When younger, it’s difficult to decide if you’re putting out good vibes or getting them back. Sometimes it’s hard to identify whether a Young Gent is flirting with you, interested and just shy…or perhaps being friendly (on a friend level).  It can be a little hard to tell, and embarrassing and frustrating when you as an older (CLEARLY more mature woman…right?) can’t decipher the vibes yourself.

2. Yup. Still keepin’ it real:  Women that like men…like MEN. When out with a Young Gent this weekend, my friends and I were explaining how sometimes we just want someone to take hold of us, throw us on the bed and make things HAPPEN. OOH-WEE, it just got warm in here! He was floored. He had no idea. And then we sort of patted him on the head and continued on about our evening. Young Gents who can bring their “A” game? Well, they’d be unstoppable.

3.  They’re in the fast lane, we’re on the right shoulder: The reality is, we’re older than them and we don’t party as much or as hard. Sometimes we want to be lame. Actually, more often than not I find I’d prefer to spoon my dog on the couch, curl up with a good movie and bucket-o’-wine and hang. I don’t want to fist pump. I don’t want to put on a tiny dress and speak in abbrev’s all-night. “LOL, I’ll BRB, KK?”

4.  Were those your feelings? My bad:  Sometimes in being young, you become a bit overly sensitive. That’s a fact. Call it naiveté, call it being genuine, whatever.  It’s a toughy because you’re in two separate places in life probably. Whether he’s just coming out of school, fresh-faced and ready to greet the world, or just getting his feet wet in the real world…you’re a seasoned vet, and have to be gentle with how you make your approach. The typical “aggressive nature” of someone going after a Young Gent can be misconstrued and can often send them running the other way (in fear).

Regardless of what route you choose to date, take in to consideration that there is no right or wrong. Connections are hard to fight, so if you find you have a real connection with someone…isn’t it better to go for it and take a chance then to let a silly thing like age get in the way? It’s nearly 2012, take some chances, live out loud, and let love in…whether an Ol’ G or a Young Gent!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Office Romances: Are You Crazy For Your Co-Worker?

21 May

“Wow Tim, that’s sooo interesting. Now, TAKE ME!”

Office romances are typically a huge no no…right?  But the reality of the situation, is we can’t help who we like or when our hormones decide to be like, “Oh, heeeey. Guess what? Remember that person you thought was really nice for making those copies for you yesterday? Yes, well…now…you want to bang them.”

So, what happens when you find that you have a crush on someone in your office? If you’re anything like me, you like to take a quick peep around the office to see who you’re working with, and if there are any potential suitors.

I’ve started three jobs in the past YEAR and I can tell you I like to pick my victims…um, I mean…identify the aforementioned individuals from the get go.

The original job I left before moving on to these next THREE only had one hot guy in the company and he was married. While that “fact” was unfortunate, it didn’t stop most of the female employees from gawking at him and his butt carved by the Gods. So we would throw pens on the floor, knock things off his desk, or try to walk behind him in the hallways while silently muttering, “Damn boy, where’d you get that booooooty?” Let’s just put it out there. Sexual harassment exists, and it makes total sense. Five days out of seven, 9 hours of out 24, you spend your time on lock-down with these people. Sometimes, things are going to get a little weird.

So I leave there and move onto my next job. Not a ton of people I can get excited about except one tall drink of water who worked in the marketing analytics department.  I’m not sure why my mind automatically goes to “who can I date,” except that for some weird reason I’m always looking at people like, “are you my next victim? Whoops, I mean a person of interest! I swear!” My only defense is that I guess despite being a 27-year-old woman, mentally I’m a 15-year-old boy. Tall drink o’ water quit and I followed a few weeks later.

The next job I took was at a small company. While interviewing I picked out my company crush right away.  I can mention his name, because he’ll never read this. Marco has a huge personality, which I was totally attracted to from the get go. It didn’t hurt he had dark hair, olive skin, big white teeth and amazing blue eyes. Oh, and did I mention he’s hilarious and speaks Italian? Oh…no?

All true.

It is because of him I realized that sometimes, people get objectified at work. It’s probably because we spend a ton of time with these people, so if by some weird chance you learn to really like them, what can you do? I’m not pro or against office romances. I think it’s a matter of what you can handle. Can you handle if it goes wrong, if you see them flirting with others, ignoring you at the office, etc?

Sometimes it definitely doesn’t feel great when the situation is reversed, but I can appreciate it. At the same job I’m talking about where Marco and I worked together, there was another gentleman whom I won’t mention…but will tell you his story.

For whatever reason, he was very touchy feely…would make comments about spending time together and was also the reason that half of my office found my stand-up comedy video and watched it at work. All he did was Google me really, but no one else was taking the time. Sure, I felt mildly uncomfortable but I can appreciate where he was coming from. To be honest, he may not have liked me all that much outside of work, but inside the work place I was one of the only younger available women.

Regardless, all my focus went to spending as much time downstairs near Marco as possible. It wasn’t until I was talking to a coworker who say, “Aye, Conyo, friend…he is estupid. Lie-k way too dumb for jou. He ees very nice, pero…nada up top my friend.” (I loved her and her amazingly thick accent)

That can happen too.

You may not be suited for this work crush, but what can you do? You’re not thinking logically. All you know is you spend a ton of time with them, they’re sexy, and you’d like to take your relationship to the next level…ya know, swipe the desk clean and get down to business “next level.”

I’m currently working in a place riddled with attractive men. While that should seem like a plus, it’s damn near impossible to get work done, BUT does make work more fun. In addition, it doesn’t help that again…I’m a fifteen year old boy.

The first week I started working here, my friend and I were leaving my apartment building. The only other person in the elevator was a guy who was trying really hard not to listen to us, but couldn’t really help but overhear this conversation…

Friend: “So, it’s a good place, huh? Nice place to work? Lots of guys?”

Me: “Oh, hells yes. This one guy is tall….super mysterious…and super tall. I’d climb him like a jungle gym.”

My friend is laughing, and the guys ears have definitely perked up as a smirk crosses his face.

Friend: “DUDE….are you a dude? I swear, sometimes I’m not sure.”

Me: “What? Sexual harassment exists and I totally get it, because he passes my desk and I think…man…if I didn’t like my job so much I’d sexually harass the hell out of this guy!”

Guy in elevator (who is laughing and shaking his head): “Wow. You ladies…wow. Please, stay this awesome always?”

It’s really difficult, because the office is a great place to get to know someone.

  1. You see their style (how they present themselves)
  2. You get to know their demeanor (laid back, aggressive, funny)
  3. You see their work ethic ( are they driven? Do they continue to succeed?)
  4. They have to show up every day. No canceling like what can happen with a “date,” as it’s pretty much mandatory! (Winning!)

There’s also another side to it though, and that’s the difficulty of trying to make anything work with someone…from work.

  1. If it goes wrong, the water cooler is going to be the most awkward place ever
  2. Maybe they are flirty and chat with many women at work (and you can’t get all crazy on people you work with. Not cute in general, but super offensive at work)
  3. You run the risk of gaining a reputation
  4. People may know all your business about “the business” if you’re not careful

The way office romances have been described to me in terms of go for it versus don’t go for it is that unless you’re absolutely sure something can come from it…do not get drunk at company happy hours or holiday parties and make moves on co-workers. Not worth it for a little boom boom pow that you can get anywhere! ( And being Monday’s gossip!)

I’ve been at this job four months, and the more I learn about people the more I eliminate them as an office crush, which sometimes bums me out.  I love intelligent men…borderline nerdy…or weird. The weirder you are, the more likely I’ll basically propose to you right away.  I am glad though that I’ve been able to eliminate them, because again…it makes work easier for me.

General Outline of Guys

1. Power Player:  He’s an executive. Smart. Connected. A little bit adorable.

Reason crush died:  He’s been involved with several other employees, clearly very comfy with that thought. Essentially, it appears he “travels through women,” and I much prefer to find one “place” and “set up shop.”  (How’s that metaphor working for you?)

2. Artistic Tom:  Artist. Music lover. Borderline hipster, but rides the line right where it’s acceptable. Love, love love an artistic man and in this case, Tom can’t be any better. Anyone who is cultured is right up there with those nerdy men. Watch yourselves!

Reason crush died: Owns a cat.

3. Mayo Man:  Half Israeli. Beautiful smile. Friendly. Tall. Dark. Pretty much perfect…

Reason crush died: Oh wait, it hasn’t.  He’s the kind of guy you want to get to know, want to figure out what’s wrong with them…and do some other things that probably aren’t appropriate to talk about. Seems like a genuinely nice guy (stay tuned; will figure out at the Holiday Party in a week!)

4. Funny Pants: Ok, this one I can’t really defend. There is something undeniably mysterious about this dude. It’s hard to tell if it’s arrogance or just mystery. Tall. Nice hair. Gives me a lot of crap…like…a lot…at work. Teases me. Not sure if it’s playful, or just being who he is.

Reason crush died: Again, can’t explain or defend why this hasn’t died. He’s younger and I’m not really interested in pursuing anything, but he makes me nervous. When he’s around I get stupid, and do things like “duck face.” I can’t help it; he just does something to me!

The bottom line is that everyone looks.

If you think your co-workers don’t check you out, size you up, and try to figure out what your potential might be outside work, you’re wrong. So what do you do? Do you go for it, try to push and see what could happen between you two? Or, do you let it be, go about your work and just enjoy the scenery? Either way, remember that we may feel like we’re adults and should be able to do whatever we want…but in reality, an office romance can wind up in gossip, heartache, frustration and if you’re high up enough…a lawsuit! (Fun, fun, for everyone)

Tread lightly when it comes to office romance, and be sure it’s worth it before you swipe the conference table clean and go for it.

For more on office crushes, peep this amazing article that breaks down the Top 8 Types of Office Crushes from [via http://www.Jobacle.com]!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

How To Hit It And Quit It: One Night Stands 101

21 May

 

I never took myself for the kind of person who would enjoy this type of thing. For one thing, I’m a woman, which affords me the amazing opportunity to wildly over invest myself emotionally from the beginning. Another thing, would be that I’m not a huge fan of doing that whole “boom boom pow,” hit it and quit it type of deal. But I understand that many people are a huge fan of what I like to refer to as… the “Drive-Thru” version of a relationship.

You pick out what fast looking joint you want to spend some time inside of, then roll up to their window, make your demands and then pull around. Maybe at most you pay five bucks to pump one lousy drink into them before shouting your “order.” AND…it never looks clean. Seriously. You eat there anyway, because you’re “starving” and “desperate” but it definitely looks like it’s been a long time since someone took
some time to clean this place up.

Regardless, my gentleman friends refer to this as “vagenomics,” and my ladies refer to this as a Friday night.

What is “vagenomics?” It’s the principal that for every “X” amount of women you try your bad lines on, dance next to them when they don’t want it, or do other things that most women in 2011 would deem “whack,” that “y” amount will take your bait and reel you in.

Granted, this “y” amount is a small margin, men do not care. They will try and try until they can prove that “y” is a factor (in their evening).

Need some help identifying if the person you’ve been talking to is ready to head to “the big show?” Here are some good ways to identify the perfect partner for a one night stand.

Prospect: You look over on the dance floor and see a girl who’s dancing sexy with her girls in the middle of the dance floor. Her friends are sort of humoring her, chanting her name, or “get it sexy!” She is whipping around like she’s trying to shake the sadness out of her, and is holding on to her drink in one hand while she knocks back a shot with her friends with one long “woooooooo!”

Probability: If prospect is holding “X” amount of drinks, multiplied by the number of ALL women surrounding her and factoring in her dancing which is divisible by how likely she is to roam free from the group….your chances are pretty good.
1.Women drink for two reasons. Either we’re out celebrating (something as little as a girls night out), or we’re mourning something ( a relationship, friendship, loss of job etc.). Both are extremes, and both really factor in to our decision-making process.
2.If she’s the one in the center being surrounded, that’s your target. She’s out dancing, trying to harness all of the attention which showcases her desire for…MORE attention. And what do you bring as a suitor to this pathetic party? Oh, you guessed it…one night of nothing BUT attention.
3.If she’s pounding a shot and a drink, her friends are trying to liquor her up past reason and she isn’t fighting it…she’s looking to make some bad decisions. You could be that impulse!

Prospect: You’re with your boys, but not really paying attention to anything except the prim and proper hottie in the corner that refuses to make eye contact. At some point, you turn to see a quieter girl hanging in the corner, but she’s admiring you. If you’re not looking for long-term, simply a one night…outta sight….feeeeeeling is sooo right type of deal; you need to keep your eyes peeled. The right signs of body language can let you know whether or not things are going down.

Language to look for:
1. Watching you, but trying to make it look nonchalant

2.Gazing away periodically then giving you those “Do me…right here…” eyes

3.Nonsensical giggling=flirty laughter…if someone is laughing a lot, it’s to show you they are “fun” and “easy going.”

4.Sexy dancing, especially up on their girlfriends. If it’s a guy, look for a lot of “hype” dancing…or…the complete opposite. They may want to come off cool and too refined to dance like Flavor Flav on crack….more crack?

5.Playing with objects that may not have a sexual connotation, but the way they’re playing with it makes you think they’re trying to subliminally tell you something. Women who let their tongue flop onto their straw and take a lonnnnng sip, men who use their fingers to stir their drink than sip it seductively. Kinda gross, no? But it works for some!

Now that you’ve identified your prey, here are a couple of lines that will totally work on whomever you’re after, if they’re looking for a little “Drive-thru lovin’!”

1. I’ve never done this before, but with you…I feel like this is something different.
2. I’ve never done this before, but I’m just going to let it go and have a good time
3. I’ve never done this before, but you’re amazing and I can’t let the night end like
4. I’ve never done this before, but you’re here…and we’re only young once.
5. I’ve never done this before.

How to artfully get out of turning your “Drive-thru relationship” into a full-fledged sit down, five-star, restaurant…and how to do that too, if that’s what you’re into!

It’s not you, it’s just that…

1. You live so far from me, it’s hard to see you as often as I’d like
2. My job is so crazy; I just can’t take on anything else right now.
3. I don’t feel like I can truly offer you what you want right now and what you deserve
4. I’m damaged goods, you don’t want anything to do with me
5. I’ve been hurt so badly before, and I know you have too…let’s not have to worry about hurting each other and just have fun.

NOW….if you’d LIKE to turn your McDonald’s into a Capital Grille situation, here’s how you’d use the same phrases as above to transition into something more substantial.

I’ve been having such a great time with you that…

1. I know we live far apart, but we can share the driving and meet up on the weekends to get to know each other better.
2. Although my job is completely nuts right now, if you can be patient and understanding with me…I’d like to see you again…in the daytime…with your clothes on.
3. I’m not sure I can be what you’re looking for, but I’d like to try.
4. I know we did things backwards by sleeping together so fast, but let’s see if we have chemistry other places…besides the bedroom.
5. I know we’ve both been hurt before, so let’s keep it light and fun until we can evaluate whether it’s worth investing into.

Here’s the rules though…if you decide to just let it be one night, then let it be one night. If you’re going to keep it consistent and keep enjoying each other’s company, make sure you’re both available for the other one. If one wants it, the other should comply if possible. Not fair at ALL to be in a one-sided sexual relationship. “But who would turn down amazing sexy times they claim has been the best they’ve ever had?”
Actually…some do. If you both can’t enjoy it, the “buddy system” fails.

And if by some miracle you two decide to keep the fun going and turn it into a relationship, go for it and truly explore all aspects of the person (clothed, this time!).

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Obama Calls Twenty-Something Singles A “Disgrace to America” and “Lepers!”

21 May

Gotcha!

Alright, so that’s not quite true, but it does get you guys to open this! (Don’t sue me, Obama!) Are you finding that everyone around you is practically married and you’re alone? Are your friends all in committed relationships and you can barely commit to what to make
for dinner tonight? Then my friends, I welcome you to “the club.” Our members are comprised of twenty-something’s who for whatever reason have been unable to find their special someone to share life’s joy and misery with.

Fact: We are alone
Fiction: We are lepers
What’s up with that? Why is it we can’t be single and fabulous, single and awesome, or
single and so amazing it’s frightening and people not look at us with pity and disgust?
Fact of the matter is, just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re sad about it. It’s
less to do with the fact we CAN’T date someone, but rather that we choose not to. The
reality is everyone can date “someone” but maybe we’re single because we don’t just
want to date anyone. While it would appear we are desperate and alone to those “on
the inside (our friends in relationships),” we actually are quite content with hangin’ and
bangin’…chillin’ and killin’….hittin’ it and quittin’ it.

How are these puns doing?

Not to say we wouldn’t date people, but we’re selective.

Alright, so maybe the reality is we don’t meet the right people. We meet people who are afflicted (mainly mentally) in one way or another. Maybe, it has to do with the fact we listen to our married friends complain about their relationships so often that we’re so grateful that we have don’t have to answer to anyone at any time…for any reason.

If your married buddy is telling you his old lady sniffs his pants every time he comes home, wants him to give up poker to stay home and watch the Kardashian Circus on repeat and checks his phone to make sure his ex-girlfriend from 1995 isn’t texting…would you be listening on the other end like, “Man, when is this going to happen for me?”

When I have a girlfriend call me and say, “Listen…if Dan calls you, we were together last night watching Bridesmaids. Don’t tell him Tim came over though, because he hates him and he’ll go ballistic.”

Things change when you’re in a relationship and everything and everyone feels the effects. Your plans change, your hobbies change, your attitude changes.

“We love to rollerblade now. We go all the time to our favorite spot where the sushi is
just the best.”

What? What the hell just happened?

Now you “rollerblade?” I can barely get you take a three-minute walk to Walgreens, but you’ll rollerblade 30 minutes to the beach? And you said “WE” three times in two minutes…and I just threw up in my mouth.

When do your thoughts meld as one?

When do you start liking cats although you’re deathly allergic and are wishing for some virus to freakishly wipe out all domesticated cats.

You start doing things you never envisioned, sacrifice the things you once loved because you’re self-conscious your partner may not like it. Sometimes your plans change. Maybe you don’t move somewhere because you met this incredible person, or you move somewhere for some incredible person. Either way, shit changes.

Beyond that, friendships change. We, the single, have to stand there and smile and act happy. It’s not that we’re not happy for you…it’s that we would like the following things to happen when we’re with you and they’re not.

Do not spend the whole time talking about them. ONE minute for each month you two have been together. That’s enough.
Do not answer the phone when they call and talk baby talk and coo and carry on a twenty-minute convo with them while we’re in the car unless it’s an emergency. We, your friends, only get to see you a limited amount of time so pretend like you’re excited to hear about our cats new outfit, or how we got a new outfit, a new fling, or a new poker tournament going on for singles…only.

Lots of friends have significant others that live out-of-town. The hardest thing is when they come into town, because it’s like we suddenly don’t exist anymore. You know why it’s hard? We get used to not having to share you. Then your significant other comes into town and not only do we take a back seat (which is understandable), but it’s like we’re in a car….four cars back…in the trunk, perhaps. This is more our issue, but it
doesn’t feel good regardless!

When you dress alike, it makes me want to punch small animals. When you groom each other in public, it makes me want to punch babies ( who
are already on my shit list to start with).
Fact: Being in a relationship is awesome
Fiction: Being in a relationship is awesome

It goes both ways! This may sound like a rant from a “hater,” but guess what? It’s not. Each of us is guilty of this when we get into a new relationship and go ga-ga for the new significant other we can’t wait to explore. Everybody else matters less than them, because we KNOW everybody else already.

Why being single is awesome:
1. We do what we want

2. No one to answer to

3. Come home as late as we want and climb in bed with whomever we want

4. Getting drunk and naked, as well as crying publicly are more accepted

5.Life is exciting and unpredictable! You never know who you’ll meet, have a little
spontaneous fun with, etc.

What’s awesome about a relationship?
1. Using a 2 for 1 coupons without feeling weird
2. Operating a paddle boat correctly
3. Riding a two-seated bike
4. Can own walkie-talkies and always have someone to talk to
5. Comfortably ride a see-saw

Fact: As we get older, more and more of our friends are getting married
Fact: There is an ass-load of pressure to catch up to them
Fiction: It makes us less awesome that we’ve not “taken the plunge” down the
marriage or baby slide

Like I said above, there is a bit of pressure, right? And here we single people are, standing in front of our refrigerators before dinner thinking…chicken…or fish? Meat…? Then you realize, “I’m single! I can have it all!”

Lots of our twenty-something’s friends have already found their soul mate…or the person they have chosen to torture and make miserable for a certain amount of years before divorcing and taking half their stuff. What is the rush!? Why are people so ring hungry and baby hungry? Don’t they read statistics? If you rush into something, there’s a distinct possibility that you don’t know who these people are. Also, the more TIME
you take to know someone, the better foundation you build for a lasting, successful relationship (duh?).

On a scary note, look at some of these people who are married 25 years before they get murdered by their spouse! Just sayin’…you never fully know someone, but you have a better chance of knowing someone after multiple years rather than months.

“We met and we just knew. We fell in love six months ago and we’re engaged and if I could marry them tomorrow, well…dang-nabit…I would. They’re amazing, they emanate rainbows and ponies and all things sugary and wonderful!”

OF COURSE THEY DO!

It’s been six months! Wait another few months and they’ll gladly peel back their skull, slowly but surely, to start to reveal themselves. But by the time they start to reveal, you’re balls deep in that relationship and suddenly, single life starts to sound pretty, PRETTY appealing.

To my friends in relationships, don’t kid yourselves…enjoy your honeymoon phase for sure, but sooner or later…you’ll be on the phone with us single folk going, “Oh…you’re going to the movies? That’s cool; John and I haven’t been out in weeks. Well, with his mother in town and the cat having explosive diarrhea, we’re sort of stuck. Plus, he starts to hyperventilate when we leave the cat alone for more than an hour anyway, so a three hour movie is totally out of the question.”

America, listen up. We’re not lepers…we’re alone, but while you “couples” progressively
grow more boring, guess what we’re doing? Growing more awesome day by day!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

What is Standard Birthday Protocol When it Comes to an Ex?

18 May

 

 

I’m back! And need some advice from you, the readers!

So my birthday was last Thursday, and I’m the kind of person who takes it pretty seriously. Like…if you’ve upset me during the year, if we argue, if you drop kick my mythical baby ( I have no real ones), this is the time to get at me for guaranteed forgiveness…the MULLIGAN shot, if you will. Sometimes I get my hopes a bit high on whom I’m going to hear from, who will pop out of nowhere to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m pretty much always disappointed. This year was different. Not only did I not anticipate a “lot of response” from people I’d previously been involved with (on any level), but I was looking forward to steering clear of it as much as possible…or so I thought.

Something happens around my birthday, and it’s like these people just come out of the woodwork. This year, I mistakenly thought I saw my ex’s car near my house and texted him because I figured that was an okay, adult thing to do. We talked briefly, he seemed cool about chatting with me and invited me to do lunch the next week. This seemed like an ok idea, and I accepted. ONLY, per USUAL…his follow through was non-existent. Matter of fact, he sent me a silly ass video a week after we were supposed to go on this “lunch” with no message. I tried to make some small talk, but it was clearly not being well received (on either end).  My friends and family tell me he’s not going to contact me for my birthday and I say, “No way. He knows when my birthday is…He’ll say SOMETHING.”

Well…the day comes, and wouldn’t you know it? Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No Facebook post, text, call, smoke signal? People say he’s angry because I didn’t “pursue” getting lunch with him, or because my life is going well right now and this for some reason bothers him. Regardless, it’s further proof he’s pretty much the same person he was two years ago…maybe WORSE. Silly me for believing he had the ability to change, or that he’d follow through.

The fact is I’m angry, but see it as “it is what it is,” and his behavior very par for the course. Part of me wants to thank him, once again, for reminding me why we’re not together, while the other part of me wants some kind of venting ability like…de-friending him. Then I thought…I want to know what the protocol is for de-friending someone on Facebook? If they don’t remember your birthday after two years of knowing them, can you de-friend? All of my friends I’ve known for more than a year, and some I’ve known for less than two months managed to sneak in a Happy Birthday. Clearly, you’re no friend of mine… Ok well, what if we dated for two years, lived together and yet you still can’t manage a Happy Birthday, most likely because you know I’d like that. I think the answer is CRYSTAL clear, no?

That brings up another one….there is a guy….a really great guy (now). I’ve known him for years and years, we’ve gone through a tremendous amount. Sometimes we like each other, sometimes he hates me….and we make some bad decisions. Recently, we almost FINALLY dated for real real. We’ve had some issues getting things together over the years, but things seemed perfect now. He’s the only guy I’ve ever spared from talking about via media…but he’s very upset with me I suppose…and we haven’t talked in a couple of months. I know he’s online all the time…and he clearly chose to not wish me a Happy Birthday either. Can I be upset with him, if it’s me who has been pushing him away and he’s just fed up? Can I call it immature if I know what’s keeping us apart and that I guess…it hurts his feelings? I wish he understood how much I DO care for him and want to be with him…but when he ignored my birthday I thought…ok, I get it…I get it. Do I slink back into hiding and de-friend, because maybe it would make him happier if I’m not around? And make it easier for me if I don’t wonder if he’s just ignoring me?

Forget about my ex who just returned from Japan for a year…who couldn’t remember my birthday when we were together for four years, and despite being friendly and chatting now he STILL didn’t say anything to me ( although his entire family did, including his brother currently stationed in Iraq!). I’ll never de-friend, as he and I have too much history…and he is who he is!  ( At least him being forgetful has remained consistent!)

The LAST ONE…did wish me a Happy Birthday….twice. He’s a special case, and I was recently involved with him. As a matter of fact, he’s been the inspiration for MANY of these posts over the past month ( he seriously has no idea I think). His lack of follow through during our relationship, coupled with him using me, withholding things and then pretending he’s a “good guy,” really has me miffed. I’ve tried subtly to drop hints that I don’t favor him….matter of fact, I loathe him because of what he did. He seriously…does…not…get it.  He’s unapologetic and I seriously wonder how he wakes up and looks in the mirror everyday and then decides who he is going to be. God knows how many others he was doing the boom boom pow with…pretending to care about…and I can’t even think about the rest. Part of me wants to de-friend, because I don’t need to keep someone like that in my life.  He thinks we’ve “made up.” We have not made up. Essentially, I believe nothing he says and will never…ever…forgive him. And why should I? He’s given me every reason to distrust him in a short amount of time.

The POINT… I swear it’s in here, is that I don’t always know when enough is enough. While they’re all different situations, they’re all particularly difficult for me. I’d really love some input on what the best choice is for the individual situations. They say to “take the trash out” in your life, and never look back…but when is the right time to do that? And is it more immature of me to fault them for not communicating (or communicating without dealing with the issues at hand), and then cut it off completely?

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →