Tag Archives: dating

Obama Calls Twenty-Something Singles A “Disgrace to America” and “Lepers!”

21 May

Gotcha!

Alright, so that’s not quite true, but it does get you guys to open this! (Don’t sue me, Obama!) Are you finding that everyone around you is practically married and you’re alone? Are your friends all in committed relationships and you can barely commit to what to make
for dinner tonight? Then my friends, I welcome you to “the club.” Our members are comprised of twenty-something’s who for whatever reason have been unable to find their special someone to share life’s joy and misery with.

Fact: We are alone
Fiction: We are lepers
What’s up with that? Why is it we can’t be single and fabulous, single and awesome, or
single and so amazing it’s frightening and people not look at us with pity and disgust?
Fact of the matter is, just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re sad about it. It’s
less to do with the fact we CAN’T date someone, but rather that we choose not to. The
reality is everyone can date “someone” but maybe we’re single because we don’t just
want to date anyone. While it would appear we are desperate and alone to those “on
the inside (our friends in relationships),” we actually are quite content with hangin’ and
bangin’…chillin’ and killin’….hittin’ it and quittin’ it.

How are these puns doing?

Not to say we wouldn’t date people, but we’re selective.

Alright, so maybe the reality is we don’t meet the right people. We meet people who are afflicted (mainly mentally) in one way or another. Maybe, it has to do with the fact we listen to our married friends complain about their relationships so often that we’re so grateful that we have don’t have to answer to anyone at any time…for any reason.

If your married buddy is telling you his old lady sniffs his pants every time he comes home, wants him to give up poker to stay home and watch the Kardashian Circus on repeat and checks his phone to make sure his ex-girlfriend from 1995 isn’t texting…would you be listening on the other end like, “Man, when is this going to happen for me?”

When I have a girlfriend call me and say, “Listen…if Dan calls you, we were together last night watching Bridesmaids. Don’t tell him Tim came over though, because he hates him and he’ll go ballistic.”

Things change when you’re in a relationship and everything and everyone feels the effects. Your plans change, your hobbies change, your attitude changes.

“We love to rollerblade now. We go all the time to our favorite spot where the sushi is
just the best.”

What? What the hell just happened?

Now you “rollerblade?” I can barely get you take a three-minute walk to Walgreens, but you’ll rollerblade 30 minutes to the beach? And you said “WE” three times in two minutes…and I just threw up in my mouth.

When do your thoughts meld as one?

When do you start liking cats although you’re deathly allergic and are wishing for some virus to freakishly wipe out all domesticated cats.

You start doing things you never envisioned, sacrifice the things you once loved because you’re self-conscious your partner may not like it. Sometimes your plans change. Maybe you don’t move somewhere because you met this incredible person, or you move somewhere for some incredible person. Either way, shit changes.

Beyond that, friendships change. We, the single, have to stand there and smile and act happy. It’s not that we’re not happy for you…it’s that we would like the following things to happen when we’re with you and they’re not.

Do not spend the whole time talking about them. ONE minute for each month you two have been together. That’s enough.
Do not answer the phone when they call and talk baby talk and coo and carry on a twenty-minute convo with them while we’re in the car unless it’s an emergency. We, your friends, only get to see you a limited amount of time so pretend like you’re excited to hear about our cats new outfit, or how we got a new outfit, a new fling, or a new poker tournament going on for singles…only.

Lots of friends have significant others that live out-of-town. The hardest thing is when they come into town, because it’s like we suddenly don’t exist anymore. You know why it’s hard? We get used to not having to share you. Then your significant other comes into town and not only do we take a back seat (which is understandable), but it’s like we’re in a car….four cars back…in the trunk, perhaps. This is more our issue, but it
doesn’t feel good regardless!

When you dress alike, it makes me want to punch small animals. When you groom each other in public, it makes me want to punch babies ( who
are already on my shit list to start with).
Fact: Being in a relationship is awesome
Fiction: Being in a relationship is awesome

It goes both ways! This may sound like a rant from a “hater,” but guess what? It’s not. Each of us is guilty of this when we get into a new relationship and go ga-ga for the new significant other we can’t wait to explore. Everybody else matters less than them, because we KNOW everybody else already.

Why being single is awesome:
1. We do what we want

2. No one to answer to

3. Come home as late as we want and climb in bed with whomever we want

4. Getting drunk and naked, as well as crying publicly are more accepted

5.Life is exciting and unpredictable! You never know who you’ll meet, have a little
spontaneous fun with, etc.

What’s awesome about a relationship?
1. Using a 2 for 1 coupons without feeling weird
2. Operating a paddle boat correctly
3. Riding a two-seated bike
4. Can own walkie-talkies and always have someone to talk to
5. Comfortably ride a see-saw

Fact: As we get older, more and more of our friends are getting married
Fact: There is an ass-load of pressure to catch up to them
Fiction: It makes us less awesome that we’ve not “taken the plunge” down the
marriage or baby slide

Like I said above, there is a bit of pressure, right? And here we single people are, standing in front of our refrigerators before dinner thinking…chicken…or fish? Meat…? Then you realize, “I’m single! I can have it all!”

Lots of our twenty-something’s friends have already found their soul mate…or the person they have chosen to torture and make miserable for a certain amount of years before divorcing and taking half their stuff. What is the rush!? Why are people so ring hungry and baby hungry? Don’t they read statistics? If you rush into something, there’s a distinct possibility that you don’t know who these people are. Also, the more TIME
you take to know someone, the better foundation you build for a lasting, successful relationship (duh?).

On a scary note, look at some of these people who are married 25 years before they get murdered by their spouse! Just sayin’…you never fully know someone, but you have a better chance of knowing someone after multiple years rather than months.

“We met and we just knew. We fell in love six months ago and we’re engaged and if I could marry them tomorrow, well…dang-nabit…I would. They’re amazing, they emanate rainbows and ponies and all things sugary and wonderful!”

OF COURSE THEY DO!

It’s been six months! Wait another few months and they’ll gladly peel back their skull, slowly but surely, to start to reveal themselves. But by the time they start to reveal, you’re balls deep in that relationship and suddenly, single life starts to sound pretty, PRETTY appealing.

To my friends in relationships, don’t kid yourselves…enjoy your honeymoon phase for sure, but sooner or later…you’ll be on the phone with us single folk going, “Oh…you’re going to the movies? That’s cool; John and I haven’t been out in weeks. Well, with his mother in town and the cat having explosive diarrhea, we’re sort of stuck. Plus, he starts to hyperventilate when we leave the cat alone for more than an hour anyway, so a three hour movie is totally out of the question.”

America, listen up. We’re not lepers…we’re alone, but while you “couples” progressively
grow more boring, guess what we’re doing? Growing more awesome day by day!

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How To Be Your Best In The Bedroom

18 May

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. It’s all about the motion of the ocean. No matter the pun, we know what we’re talking about here, and we all know how important it can be to a relationship. It can make or break it, strengthen the foundation or send your loved one into the arms of someone new.  My goal today is to throw some tips out there for you ladies and gents to think about. If you like them, you can take them…and if not, feel free to throw them right back! Now, I’m no doctor, but I do have friends who discuss things with me (male and female) and my own experiences.  Let’s just see if we can’t help make everyone a little bit better and more understanding in bed by providing some simple suggestions!

Chemistry

It’s not rocket science, and it cannot be learned. Chemistry is the foundation of everything. If there’s no chemistry, then you may as well stop reading at this juncture and find yourself someone new. Seriously, read this sentence over and over until it makes sense to you…without chemistry, there’s nothing.  A lot of people get hung up on, “I know she’s a sexual person but she’s not with me!” or “Usually, he enjoys ‘XYZ’ but with me…he doesn’t.”

Sometimes it’s not your partner, and sometimes it’s not you. Matter of fact, the reality is you two just may not have enough “sparks” to have the kind of sexual relationship you’re after. I’m not saying that every day is going to be animalistic, come home and meet me at the door so I can rip your clothes off-esque, but those days should be more often than not.

If there is initial chemistry, it can be strengthened over time. Actually, after three years pheromones wear off, leaving you and your partner standing there staring at each other going…ok, it’s just us now…no hormones to get in the way. NOW…how do we feel? For me, I wasn’t initially attracted to my ex-boyfriend. However, because of the feelings that grew for him, our chemistry was strengthened over time and we were very compatible…where it counts.

Tip:  Touching can be a very subtle, non-threatening way of showing interest and generating anticipation between the two of you. Sometimes a touch of the hand, a soft sweep across your back or your partners lets them know…this is the tip of the iceberg. It’s respectful, yet weirdly intimate. It’s not grabbing, groping, prodding…it’s SIMPLE and a very underrated way to generate the heat!

Kissing

Is there anything hotter than being with someone who knows how to kiss you? The answer …is no. Again, everyone is different. What I like, you may not.  But, here’s a short list of things people do or have done that need to be addressed…

  1. Do not open your mouth like you’re a snake about to devour something whole. It’s not necessary for you to try to eat my face, and I certainly don’t need to be tonguing your duodenum.  There’s a FLOW….go with it.
  2. A tight-lipped kiss with no tongue is how I kiss my grandmother. Men want a preview of what that thing can do, and women do too. How you work it above the belt indicates…other things.  BUT, it’s a double-edged sword. While tongue is good and necessary, I don’t want to feel like a Saint Bernard has just come and licked my face clean. Keep it classy, but give a little bit of a preview by adding your own flair. Interchange the levels, spice it up and keep them guessing! A boring kisser is no good either!
  3. What do you do with your hands? This is always the most awkward part. If you’re panicked, here’s an idea…rest your hands on the persons hips, shoulders, or run your fingers through their hair. My favorite is to cup their face or run fingers through hair. It connects you to the person a bit more and is a little more intimate.

Tip: Relax and try to adapt to your partners movements. See if you can’t get in the rhythm. If you can, then great success! If not, then perhaps the chemistry just isn’t there. To be fair, it may take more than one time to feel each other’s rhythms out.

Good Touch V. Bad Touch

I’m going to have to split this into two parts…one for the guys and one for the gals. Guys, we need to have a serious discussion. Whoever is teaching you how to touch women has seriously steered you down a dark and dangerously wrong path. Actually, do yourselves a favor and hunt that dude down and take him out to pasture like the misguided, sick jackass he is.

Breasts are many things; soft, supple, sensitive, fun, awesome, amazing, whatever. Tell you what they’re not… oiled-up baseballs, rocks, or anything else that is hard and requires a tight grip. GENTLE but strong, fellas…gentle but strong.

Every lady is different, but I’m pretty sure most will agree that we don’t want to feel like you’re our pet monkey who has gone berserk and is trying to rip our breasts off our chest. We don’t want you to twist them and turn them like you’re trying to get a child locked cap off a prescription medicine bottle. Finesse them. We know you love them, so show them love instead of treating them like they’re a red-headed step child who lives in the basement and is in need of a good beating. There is something to be said for a man who knows the right way to touch, up top and below. Like most women who think they’re tremendous at using their hands and other parts to pleasure their partners, men are the same way. Sadly,  they are not always correct.

If your partner sends you a VIP invitation to the “downtown get down” here are some tips on how to make sure it’s a good experience for each.

Women, ask your man what they like. Ask them what they have had before that works for them and what does not. It shows that you care about what you’re doing and about being a willing, able, and above average partner.  It also makes your job a hell of a lot easier than just guessing. Most men ( from what my guy friends tell me) like a combination of things to get there faster, better…stronger. Involve the “main attraction,” the “two supporting actors” and even the “middle man (perineum)” to really take them to a new level.

Men, let’s just address this one thing and leave it at that. Parts of us are more sensitive than others…one part…specifically. I understand you’re off to find the “mythical” part, but once you find it…it’s all about finesse, once again. Usually, if you’re not doing it right your lady will try to be polite and move your hand. Some of you feel like that means you’re doing a great job, and we’re squirming with joy. The fact is, if it’s not done right…it’s distracting and takes away from the good stuff you ARE doing. Don’t be too proud to let her do her thing, she’s more familiar with it! But if you’d like some tips on how to handle “it,” here we go…

  1. Some part of “boom boom pow” has to do with how hard things are…this is not one of them. Soft and steady wins the race!
  2. Don’t just focus on that one spot. Most women require multiple areas in motion to get “in the groove.”
  3. *(Free Additional Tip): In regards to stimulating other parts…we’re not a sandbox. Please, for the love of all things holy…stop it. You will NOT find China on the other side, so QUIT digging!

Tip: Test out your touch. Start soft and adjust to their needs. You SHOULD be able to tell how you’re doing based on your partner’s expressions, lack of focusing, noise making….or otherwise. If you STILL can’t tell, then pretty much go ahead and give up on life and being intimate.

The Big Show: Keep ‘em Coming Back for More

Now, for the main event…Once more, let me say that while everyone has their own ideas of what makes “the main event” a success, there are some things we can agree on as men and women.

Most of my lady friends have corroborated the following things:

  1. Women that like men want a M-A-N. Take charge initially. Don’t wait for us to make a move. Don’t worry about rejection, because confident men who are good at what they do have little to worry about. Sometimes, women just like to be taken in their partner’s arms, put up against a wall, or gently thrown on the bed. Women who come from relationships where they have previously had to be “the dude” or had to baby their partner crave the thought of them NOT having to be in charge all the time.
  2. One of the biggest pet peeves most seem to have is asking questions during the act. Let me tell you something…if you have to ask if you’re good enough, big enough, hot enough, etc…you’re not. You’ve answered your own question, and are asking us for validation of something you already believe is the case (that you’re not good enough, etc). If you can’t tell whether we’re having a blast, or just lying there praying for God to have mercy and end it, or mentally reviewing our grocery list…you’re in trouble, pal.
  3. Number two isn’t to be confused with dirty talk, which is completely acceptable and welcomed. Dirty talk is not to be confused with baby talk…which is atrocious, and there is no excuse for. Seriously.
  4. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean your partner will. NOW, this will be interchangeable for men and women…and it’s true. BUT…you try things with those you care for, or reach outside your comfort zone OR…you’re just not compatible and eventually move on. Regardless, respect your partner and their desires. That doesn’t mean “do everything they want,”  but respect what they’re saying. In addition, men…take time to figure out what your lady likes. It will serve you well in the long run. One good time keeps ‘em coming back…true story.

The Men have said:

  1. While some ladies think they’re making a good impression or coming off cool by listing their sexual history, or positions, people, etc they’ve done…no man wants to keep the visual of his girl being slammed by whomever and whatever in their head. Particularly if you’re like… “this one guy was a real horse!” Saying too much is a perfect way to end things…forever.
  2. No matter what a guy tells you, do not sleep with them on the first date. A guy that’s willing to wait is sincere and wants something real…if they push you, or they’re antsy…it’s because they just want what they want. (AND this is coming from GUYS!)
  3. All men are not built equal, and more along the lines of what I said in #4 above. Take the time to find out what makes them tick….what positions work and don’t work, and what will have them impressed, exhausted, and coming back for more. One good time is all it takes to keep that intimate relationship on track.
  4. Being spontaneous is good, wanting to try new things is good….but sometimes, doing what you’re best at is best.
  5. Be yourself. The same way we want men to be upfront about who they are, open, etc…we need to be the same way. If we’re uptight, then we’re uptight…if we’re relaxed…then sometimes we just have to know when it’s time to have a little fun rather than be so focused.

Tip: Don’t try to force something that’s just not working. Don’t feel compelled to stay with someone who it’s just not meshing with if that’s an important factor to you (which I believe it is to most!).  Explore, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the opportunity to have a little fun! Who knows what good chemistry can turn into!

 

What is Standard Birthday Protocol When it Comes to an Ex?

18 May

 

 

I’m back! And need some advice from you, the readers!

So my birthday was last Thursday, and I’m the kind of person who takes it pretty seriously. Like…if you’ve upset me during the year, if we argue, if you drop kick my mythical baby ( I have no real ones), this is the time to get at me for guaranteed forgiveness…the MULLIGAN shot, if you will. Sometimes I get my hopes a bit high on whom I’m going to hear from, who will pop out of nowhere to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m pretty much always disappointed. This year was different. Not only did I not anticipate a “lot of response” from people I’d previously been involved with (on any level), but I was looking forward to steering clear of it as much as possible…or so I thought.

Something happens around my birthday, and it’s like these people just come out of the woodwork. This year, I mistakenly thought I saw my ex’s car near my house and texted him because I figured that was an okay, adult thing to do. We talked briefly, he seemed cool about chatting with me and invited me to do lunch the next week. This seemed like an ok idea, and I accepted. ONLY, per USUAL…his follow through was non-existent. Matter of fact, he sent me a silly ass video a week after we were supposed to go on this “lunch” with no message. I tried to make some small talk, but it was clearly not being well received (on either end).  My friends and family tell me he’s not going to contact me for my birthday and I say, “No way. He knows when my birthday is…He’ll say SOMETHING.”

Well…the day comes, and wouldn’t you know it? Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No Facebook post, text, call, smoke signal? People say he’s angry because I didn’t “pursue” getting lunch with him, or because my life is going well right now and this for some reason bothers him. Regardless, it’s further proof he’s pretty much the same person he was two years ago…maybe WORSE. Silly me for believing he had the ability to change, or that he’d follow through.

The fact is I’m angry, but see it as “it is what it is,” and his behavior very par for the course. Part of me wants to thank him, once again, for reminding me why we’re not together, while the other part of me wants some kind of venting ability like…de-friending him. Then I thought…I want to know what the protocol is for de-friending someone on Facebook? If they don’t remember your birthday after two years of knowing them, can you de-friend? All of my friends I’ve known for more than a year, and some I’ve known for less than two months managed to sneak in a Happy Birthday. Clearly, you’re no friend of mine… Ok well, what if we dated for two years, lived together and yet you still can’t manage a Happy Birthday, most likely because you know I’d like that. I think the answer is CRYSTAL clear, no?

That brings up another one….there is a guy….a really great guy (now). I’ve known him for years and years, we’ve gone through a tremendous amount. Sometimes we like each other, sometimes he hates me….and we make some bad decisions. Recently, we almost FINALLY dated for real real. We’ve had some issues getting things together over the years, but things seemed perfect now. He’s the only guy I’ve ever spared from talking about via media…but he’s very upset with me I suppose…and we haven’t talked in a couple of months. I know he’s online all the time…and he clearly chose to not wish me a Happy Birthday either. Can I be upset with him, if it’s me who has been pushing him away and he’s just fed up? Can I call it immature if I know what’s keeping us apart and that I guess…it hurts his feelings? I wish he understood how much I DO care for him and want to be with him…but when he ignored my birthday I thought…ok, I get it…I get it. Do I slink back into hiding and de-friend, because maybe it would make him happier if I’m not around? And make it easier for me if I don’t wonder if he’s just ignoring me?

Forget about my ex who just returned from Japan for a year…who couldn’t remember my birthday when we were together for four years, and despite being friendly and chatting now he STILL didn’t say anything to me ( although his entire family did, including his brother currently stationed in Iraq!). I’ll never de-friend, as he and I have too much history…and he is who he is!  ( At least him being forgetful has remained consistent!)

The LAST ONE…did wish me a Happy Birthday….twice. He’s a special case, and I was recently involved with him. As a matter of fact, he’s been the inspiration for MANY of these posts over the past month ( he seriously has no idea I think). His lack of follow through during our relationship, coupled with him using me, withholding things and then pretending he’s a “good guy,” really has me miffed. I’ve tried subtly to drop hints that I don’t favor him….matter of fact, I loathe him because of what he did. He seriously…does…not…get it.  He’s unapologetic and I seriously wonder how he wakes up and looks in the mirror everyday and then decides who he is going to be. God knows how many others he was doing the boom boom pow with…pretending to care about…and I can’t even think about the rest. Part of me wants to de-friend, because I don’t need to keep someone like that in my life.  He thinks we’ve “made up.” We have not made up. Essentially, I believe nothing he says and will never…ever…forgive him. And why should I? He’s given me every reason to distrust him in a short amount of time.

The POINT… I swear it’s in here, is that I don’t always know when enough is enough. While they’re all different situations, they’re all particularly difficult for me. I’d really love some input on what the best choice is for the individual situations. They say to “take the trash out” in your life, and never look back…but when is the right time to do that? And is it more immature of me to fault them for not communicating (or communicating without dealing with the issues at hand), and then cut it off completely?

Another Lesson in Common Sense: Respect!

17 May

 

“Re-spek it…befoe you re-gret-tit!”

 

About a month ago, I was in line at Starbucks and I overhear this lady turn to her friend and say… “And I told him…you better respek it…befoe you re-gret-tit.” Her enunciation, the emphasis of each phrase…I was both seriously amused and on her side from that moment on.

And why not? Clearly, she was right.

Whomever it was, should respect the proverbial “it” or they are bound to regret it. My friend and I were discussing our most recent situations, and what seems to happen to us as women when we enter into a new experience. Last night on the phone, I said, “You know…it’s not that we’re dumb girls. I actually like to pride myself on being relatively smart about most situations. Yet, as I relay the series of events to you…it dawns on me, that I am the champion of the ‘Bad Decision Olympics.’ Gold medal champion, to be specific…and you my friend are the runner-up.”

Our stories:

(Hers first, and let’s call her Jen)

Jen was a college roommate of mine, completely by accident. Someone whom I was introduced to and we just gelled. After college, I moved home, she moved to ATL and now to D.C. Our exteriors appear similarly rough, we come off impervious to pain that relationships with others may cause even though if you break through our façade of an exterior, you’d see our interior is really marshmallow goo. The past few relationships for Jen have been men who are between their 40’s and 50’s. She’s 27. Clearly, not ok and we’ve had a conversation about that.

For someone her age, the maximum without being creepy is around 35-37. No more than 10 years apart, or it’s seriously too large of a generational gap and just plain gross…to be honest. This new guy, he’s our age…which was a good start, until, she starts divulging the rest of the story…

1. He works with her.

2. He’s her superior (one of them).

3. He has a girlfriend.

4. His girlfriend WORKS at the restaurant.

5. He’s a known, arrogant douche.

6. Please see numbers 1-5 and repeat until the obvious question of, “WHAT is she doing?” washes over you.

As soon as she told me that, I became Homer Simpson, slapping my forehead with a resounding… “D’OH!”

One step forward, six steps back.

So the story continues, and I won’t lie…at points, this sounds kind of sexy. He’s a wine sommelier; they work at an important upscale Washington, D.C. restaurant. Each shift they work together, they give each other flirty stares, do things to entice the other…and then when everyone goes home for the day, they act on those passions in the back room while people could be around. Sounds like a fiction based romance novel a little, no?

I told her…just as Eleanor Roosevelt once said (Wu-Tang Clan maybe?) you have to “protect ya neck!”

Something happens to women when they start a new relationship, and maybe to be fair to men…the sensitive ones may feel this too. It’s like we put these huge blinders on and get all gaga, seeing nothing but rainbows and sunshine pouring out of these people’s rear ends! We regret to see that this is doomed from the get-go.

We can reform, we can remold…we can rebuild, we have the technology!

People…let me give you a piece of advice (I never follow, clearly or I wouldn’t be telling you my story). No one changes. They may modify themselves, tweak something here and there…but overall, people do not change. Find someone who likes/love you as you are and likewise, because everyone deserves to feel as loved as possible as often as possible! SO…one night, they’re having relations in the office and someone finds them. Shocking. Jen also recently broke her finger, and is unable to work, which means she has been home. Where has Mr. Romantic been? M.I.A. Why? Because…he has gotten what he wanted, they’ve fleshed out their physical attraction while he’s been able to keep his girlfriend, his life, and his job…barely.

I love talking to Jen about our situations, because we’re both so incredibly hypocritical. We KNOW that these situations aren’t going anywhere, know they are doomed and yet we forge on. Why is that?

My situation is less severe, and could seriously take its own post to describe what’s been going on. Basically, I met someone in a strange way, that I was not anticipating liking.

1. He’s older, near the borderline of too old, but nothing crazy.

2. He lives far from here, well…40 miles. Not that far.

3. I think he may live some sort of strange double life.

4. People who are mutual friends say terrible things about him.

5. He never follows through Ever.

Although anyone who knows me would think, “you wouldn’t stand for that!” Something about the aggravation of proving that “you should be loving me, following through and being awesome,” keeps me standing by. The whole point of this (it’s there, somewhere), is that respect isn’t something you should have to beg for. I think what happens, is that people forget that the people THEY are dealing with are also…people. Treat me kind, speak to me properly, and think about how you would feel if I treated you like a pig for having a girlfriend and trying to hit it with me. Or, how I SHOULD have treated you like a creepy old man who found me in a strange way, who hasn’t taken me on one respectable date, and who was so worried about my age and me being immature, yet it appears the other way around.

RESPECT the people in your life. RESPECT who they are and where they come from, or respect them enough to at least tell them the truth. Show a little honesty, be upfront and let them decide if they can handle it and be a part of it. Life can be a very lonely journey alone, and as the very wise woman said…if you don’t respect “it,” you may live to regret it.

M&M: A Therapeutic Story

17 May

 

 

I’ve decided to join a Jewish monastery.

OH, they don’t exist you say?  Well then I’m going to create one, dedicate myself to Moses…you know, the works! Tack that on to my list of “things to do.” If the experiences I’ve had up until this point have not given you reason enough to believe me, I’d like to present you with yet another experience: M&M (*All names changed)

M&M seemed awesome “on paper.” With eloquent communication laced with humor and ingenuity, not to mention a weird love for Will Ferrell that not everyone can always appreciate, M&M appeared to be my kind of guy.

When we talked for a bit, his emails were full of wit and flattery, even the title’s had  personality! After finding out that I’m getting my Masters, the title’s became: Ally, Master of Kickassery…which anyone who knows me knows that I ate that up…with a spoon… a big ladle, in fact.

He’s cute, with great teeth and curly hair, which I go gaga for. Perhaps I’m biased, who knows. He is precious in a baby-faced kind of way that you start to think wow, you can’t be 31! But then you get closer and realize oh yeah…it’s possible. Now anyone that knows me, also knows that I never choose boyfriends through what they look like. My type is often referred to as lagoon creatures and as my one friend put it recently…swamp monkeys.  It’s always about the connection. Usually the quickest way to speak to my heart is laugh at my jokes. Laugh hard and seem sincere. I love that. But this seemed like maybe…just maybe…I was in the presence of a mythical unicorn.

Side Note: My friends and I define the “man of our dreams” as a mythical unicorn. It’s something we’ve heard a lot about, but cannot seem to find, no matter how many people claim to have empirical evidence they exist.

M&M is talking about Nirvana and The Toadies…we’re having this fabulous night. Out of nowhere this older man with way to many Backstreet Boy highlights steps over to chat with us. He explains he’s here with his ex-wife, who’s “hot, right?” But she’s having problems with her 21 year old boyfriend…mainly because she’s 45.  On the other hand, this guys  girlfriend works at the fire station with him (clearly by now you’ve realized they’re fire…people? Sorry for leaving that out).

Raul is his name, and he and his 22-year-old girlfriend are in love. They make porno together and discuss all things fire, integrating fire into foreplay if they get the chance.  M&M is a government worker, so Raul becomes an automatic “bro”, engaging him in conversation, laughing, making jokes and crank calling government officials. He keeps looking over at me, going “ M&M…bro this girl….is a cool chick. I can just tell. A badass, cute, cool chick.” I’m like…thank you Raul, so nice of you to say, etc…

Pretty soon M&M leaves to go to the bathroom and I’m left alone with Raul who leans over to me and  says, ”You going home with him tonight?”

“No,” I reply, trying to avert my eyes and give him the hint I’m not interested in pursuing this conversation any longer. “Oh C’mon…go home with him…ride him a little. What would it hurt?”

All I’m thinking is…of course this would happen. Why not? If I didn’t have bad luck with dating, I wouldn’t date at all.

At that moment, Raul leans over and says…”You know, if you weren’t going home with M&M tonight, you’d be going home with me.” I whipped around, looked him dead in the eye and said…”You know Raul…I think I’m a bit too old for you.  I’m 25 after-all…Plus, I can’t film any porno’s… anymore…without a donkey, three chimps and a dominatrix present. Sorry.”

M&M sauntered back into the bar and at this point I’m ready to go.

He can pick up on the weird look I’m giving him, mainly because I have a terrible poker face…and I’m trying my best to subtly give him the let’s kindly get the fuck out of here now look.

Long story short..er (than what I’d normal give you, which is the painful play by play), we leave and head somewhere else. At this point he divulges he had 8 cats at one time, now he has 3. If that’s not weird enough at 31 to have 8 cats…I could keep going. While at the bar, he mentions to me…you know, your last name doesn’t sound very Jewish. I mention that it’s actually my middle name that is my “family” name with the Romanian/Jewish background. Upon hearing my middle name he pauses for a second…like something clicked with him….which I would never have thought twice about…..until this moment…..

After our date I decided I wasn’t into it. So I started ignoring phone calls and trying not to get too involved. A week or so later, I get a text…he’s had a hard day and needs to talk to someone. Being an idiot, I cave and say alright, tell me what happened and lets see if we can find a solution. He thanks me, tells me he feels much better and while he’s in a sharing mood….he has something to tell me.

Him: “Do you want to know a secret?”

Me: “Uhm….sure?”

Him: “No really, do you want to know?”

I’m getting irritated.

Me: “YES…just tell me!”

Him: “Jody Finkle knows a lot about me”

At this point some things are starting to come together…Jodie Finkle is my Aunt,  who is a Psychiatrist.

Me: “JODIE FINKLE? I don’t remember telling you my aunts name…”

Him: “You didn’t.”

Turns out, he was one of my Aunt’s clients…fabulous.

Anyone ready to start that monastery?

No?

Well, how about this:  M&M II, the reckoning

When my interest in M&M began to dissipate, I began to pull away, as most people do. I always wondered what could have been between he and I, had things of gone differently, and thought maybe I had been to hard on M&M. Too judgmental. So what he goes to therapy, who doesn’t? At least he was willing to confront the issues he’s facing, the walls he’s placed around himself and try to get a grip on reality, right?

My mom would say, “How weird would it be for him to come to a family gathering, knowing full well your Aunt knows everything there is to know about him?

Admittedly? Super weird. SO when I heard from M&M a few months ago, I was a little surprised to find myself a little curious to see why he was brought back into my life. At the very least, I’d have another winning story…and at the most? Well, sky was the limit.

Email number one:

“Dear Ally, Master of Kickassery,

Are you still kicking ass and being awesome? Have you forgtton me, moved to NY and become famous? If not…I’d love to talk to you, as I’m not sure what ever really happened and I think about it a lot. It’d be great to see that hair, and that smile. So tell me…How does one become a Master of Kickassery himself, or at the very least…take one to dinner.

Hope to talk soon,

M&M”

Alright, that’s a pretty damn good email, am I right!?

So I cave…we chat, try to start again and see if maybe we DID have something…DO have something. The issue was, he was going to China for two weeks. No real explanation why at first, but he was leaving in two days and HAD TO SEE ME IMMEDIATELY.

NO,” I tell him. “We’ve waited this long to see each other, don’t worry about it. We’ll chat, email, whatever until you get back and then we’ll do things again, from the beginning…the right way.”

He leaves for two weeks. Over the next two weeks, I get emails of half his head in front of monuments, weird foods, fun stuff…anything. By the time he returns, he’s been cultivating our meeting for nearly three weeks now.

When he returns, he wants to see me immediately but I had plans with a friend, so I invite him to join us at the movies. He’s polite, generous…all things are a go.

In the movie, he starts getting…touchy. It’s not like the previous post about “Dan” from the movie theater. This is more like a nervous touch. He’s rubbing my arms, his palm intertwined with mine…hot and wet.

After the movie, my friend and her boyfriend leave and we go to get a drink. I thought…things are good. He is good. We’ll have no trouble alone. Now may be a great time to mention that the first time around, I did see him more than one time. Things also happened that indicated he and I wouldn’t be a great match…in some areas…I hope you’re following this, because I feel too guilty to write it out. Regardless of what happened, I’m wiling to see if maybe it will head that way again down the road and maybe things will be fine. I’m enjoying myself and just want to focus on that.

He walks me to my car, kisses me like a Saint Bernard who rubs his big watery jowls on your leg as he brushes by and says, “I’m so glad we did this. I wasn’t sure what happened, if maybe I came on too strong…or geez, I don’t know. I thought you weren’t calling me because maybe I have a small penis…or something!”

It took him 3 weeks to cultivate something he ruined in 3 hours…the good news is, I know someone who can talk him through it!

Tales Of Set Up Failure: Lingerie Loungin’

16 May

Who Wants to Get a Little Sexy?

 

 

About a year or so ago, my (ex) boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move from my…well…his apartment.  From there, the changes kept on coming! I had to momentarily leave my dog behind, since he’s not allowed in my roommate’s house, and oh yeah! By roommate….I mean my mother.

It should be relatively easy to understand why it would have taken me a little bit of time to get over the breakup. At the very least, more than a week. My friends are wonderful but do not listen, and insisted that I trudge forward.

One night about a week after everything came to a halt,  (let’s call her) Gina decides that I should meet her friend and I immediately refuse. Not only am I far from ready, but I haven’t even SPOKEN to this “friend.” She tells me it’s too bad, he has seen my picture, has my number and is going to use it.

Great. I figure, fine…what’s the worst that can happen? Wrong question to ask, every time!

::ring ring::

A number I don’t know…what’s his name? Adam? Matt? Whatever, something generic.

“Hey you,” I hear on the other end of the line.

Can we take a moment and address this? You don’t know me, you’ve never met me nor spoken with me before…so…who exactly are you addressing ME as “you?” While it’s meant to be endearing I guess, it’s absurd and rubs me the wrong way. It’s not like we’ve met, or been friends for ten years, etc. Just keep it short guys…  “hey” or a nice throaty “hello” will do juuuuuust fine.

I’m already not amused, not wanting to have this conversation and am waiting to be wowed, or repulsed. Judging from the post I’m writing, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed…

Me: “erhm…hi?”

Mr. Whomever: “I’m (can’t remember), Gina’s friend. And you’re Allyson?”

You just dialed my number, didn’t you!?

Me: “Yep,“ I replied, short and to the point.

Mr. Whomever: “Gina said you’re into Adult Swim…that’s really hot. I bet you’re really kinky, huh?”

Two things wrong with this statement.

Epic Fail #1: Adult Swim is Cartoon Networks late night channel, featuring nothing sexual unless you’re into that anime cartoon weirdo bullshit.

Epic Fail #2: WHAT would possess you to ask someone you just started talking to 30 seconds ago if they’re kinky or not?

Me: “I love Adult Swim, but I don’t think you understand that it’s Car-“(the last piece of toons escapes under my breath as he cuts me off…)

Mr. Whomever: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”

::sigh::

Me: “Well…I don’t know, I guess drive from Tallahassee down here at 3am alone. I just woke up one morning and decided I wanted to come home, so I did.”

Mr. Whomever: “That’s it?” he replied.

Me: “Yep, that’s about it.”

He is waiting for me to pony up information, to confide in him, show him I’m interested…I’m not interested.

Mr. Whomever: “My girlfriend and I one time got a couples massage, and we were so turned on when we left we had to pull over and have sex in the bushes off the highway. I guess that’s my most spontaneous act…”

I didn’t even ask.

Mr. Whomever: “OOH! OOH! Actually, we stopped one time at a swingers club. We didn’t participate…but we did watch. Are you into that at all?”

Me: “Not at all, sorry. What are your top three movies? If you had to choose?”

I was searching for an inkling of normalcy.

Mr. Whomever: “My Cousin Vinny, 300 and Goodfellas. Do you like hairy men?”

Me: “Interesting choices…I’m not into gorillas, if that’s what you’re asking.”

At this point, I was ready to have some fun. I had tried to get off the phone twice and short of hanging up on the dude, I figured…great…free…material. It’s now been silent for about a minute before I start to say…

Me: “Ok, well I have to be going now…I’ve got to be at work at 6:30, so early wakeup call!” I figured, an exit line no one can refuse! Hint, hint, hint, HINT!

Mr. Whomever: “So you’re all dressed for bed?”

Me: “Yep.”

In actuality I was still in my work clothes from the day, but thought…let’s do this.

Mr. Whomever: “What are you wearing? I bet you like to sleep in those little nighties”

Me: “Oh for sure! The smaller the better.”

Mr. Whomever: “Anything underneath?”

Me: “Of course not,” I reply, snickering to myself in my brother’s bedroom, anxious to see how far I can push this kid.

A short-breathed sound sort of emerges from his side of the phone like a gasp.

Mr. Whomever: “That’s…so hot. Anything you want to ask me? Anything..? Anything at all, don’t worry.”

I know where he’s going.

 Me: “No, not really. Maybe another time..”

Mr. Whomever: “Are you SURE? Nothing? I’m totally open and willing to answer ANYTHING.” Dripping with suggestive tones, what a shock.

Me: “Well, as shy as you’re being, I’m assuming you want me to ask you what you’re working with. Right? That’s what you want?”

Mr. Whomever: “Go ahead, ask me.”

::sigh::

Me: “Alright…what are you working with…that you’re so proud of”

Mr. Whomever: “HARD?” he blurts out. “About 5…5.5”

Silence.

Mr. Whomever: “Is that bad? Good? Why didn’t you respond?”

Clearly I can’t say, because I’m rolling on the floor in laughter at how absurd you are and that you’re being a thousand percent serious right now?!

So I reply…

::giggle giggle giggle::

When I can collect myself, I politely tell him I really have to be going, and after all of this…he has the audacity to say…

Mr. Whomever: ”So I guess you don’t want to come cuddle?”

Y-I-K-E-S.

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

First, you don’t know me! What if I’m a crazy, soul stealing woman? Secondly, what if I’m diseased? Desperate? Clingy? You don’t know me dude…take some time. Third and finally, if you can listen to all that and take yourself seriously, all the while believing that I’m interested….big yikes buddy…big yikes. Sad state of affairs to see who’s out there, and if you didn’t miss someone a lot prior to that, you do afterwards, tell you that. Thank you to all my friends for wanting me to “get out there,” but uh…do me a solid? NO MORE fix ups!

She’s Just Not That Into You Either…Seriously

16 May

Seriously. We’re not.

 

So a couple of years ago, a jackass “writer” by the name of Greg Behrendt came out with a piece of drivel entitled, “ He’s Just Not That Into You,” which I’m sure 99% of you have heard of and/or read. Why so bitter at Greg? Because I felt as though it was the “idiot girl’s guide to relationships,” and wondered WHAT woman would really need this mega dose of common sense. Then I snapped back to reality, noticing that most women DO in fact need this book. Some of my closest friends suffer from the same afflictions that the women portrayed do, unable to let things go, stalking, making excuses for their boyfriends/hookups/husbands. My personal favorite characteristic is holding on to a relationship that should be treated with the same mentality as a dead limb…cut it off, before the yuck spreads any further.

While the book was awful, I DID see the movie and will confess that I did enjoy it and found I could relate to it a twinge more than the book (for me this is rarely ever the case). It’s a dose of reality for those who would rather deny, deny, deny then own up to what’s really going on. For me, I identify with (I’m sure many of you?) one line in particular, where Justin Long’s character says, “Everyone wants to be the exception to the rule.”

It’s true.

That’s why we date, why we sit near the phone months and years after a relationship (figuratively, not literally) waiting to have that person who pulverized your heart like hamburger meat come back and stand bravely in your face, proclaiming, “Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and without you, I’m not whole.”

Doesn’t everyone want that validation? That knowledge that without you these past few weeks, months, years, their lives have been full of suck? The point is, that it’s clearly a very rare situation. Today I want to examine the reverse side of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” as men rarely get labeled as crazy as women or even in the near realm. It’s not a talked about subject and it should be. Just because you come after me and I turn you down does not make me a bitch. Similarly, how you would believe you’re not a jerk, just for the same reason. I’m going to give some of my own experiences and examine what I’ve come in contact with over the years. Can any of you think of other examples, or do any of these ring true for you??

“The Incessant”

First, let’s talk about the technology obsession and what it means when I do not call you back for longer than a week. If you called me on Monday, sent me two texts on Tuesday and an e-mail Wednesday, my skin is most likely crawling with the thought of seeing anything with your name on it come through any facet of communication devices.

Men aren’t like that, you say? False.

Again, I like to be equal opportunity when I “bash,” and can tell you that men are just as bad as women, sometimes worse.

EXAMPLE! (We’ll call him Paul)

BACKGROUND: Paul is a nice guy, who for all intents and purposes seems to be super normal, attractive and well put together. He tells you his story right away. After high school he went to college for half a year, worked for a major cell phone company for four years and was terminated because he’s a “victim of the economy.” Lost his job, lost his apartment and moved in with his family to get on his feet. Two weeks later, he’s in a major accident and his car is totaled. Paul has gone on multiple interviews and hasn’t been able to find a job, hanging out mostly with his seven-year old niece and mom. He’s a yes man and a pleaser, which is easy to tell from the get go, replying to everything I say with a “me too!” or a “that’s so great to hear, I’ve been looking for that for so long!” His idea of a big word was pedantic, and says he’s often told he’s a champion when it comes to vocab. Talking continued a few more times, as to not appear rude until finally, it was time to make it clear that we were ultimately not a match. He would IM 25 times a day, no exaggeration. When I’d respond, I’d be short or wouldn’t respond at all, causing him to text me asking, “Are you online right now? Because it says you are.” From there he’d call, explaining he’s bored, just wanted to say hi, etc. Then finally after explaining that I’m not in a good place, not ready for anything and also not particularly interested, I feel as though he’d got the message.

After dodging him for two weeks, he IM’s me, asking how I am, if things have slowed down and if I’ll go out with him now. I say no, I’m sorry, and he should move on…following the IM was an email, asking me to clarify my decision and a text and phone call telling me he sent me an email. Now, as some of you may know, I’m super open when it comes to dating people and will often times give those a chance that others wouldn’t. I say that, to explain that while he was in a bad place in his life, I may still have stopped to see what he was all about, had he not of blown up my media mediums, even after I expressed NO interest. If you have to call me to tell me you texted me, text me to tell me you emailed me and email me to get me to respond to your IM’s or bizarre line of questioning…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Desperation is an ugly stink…and he was bathing in it.

“The Misleader”

This type of delightful gentleman actually gets bundled into another kind of guy whom I’m having trouble naming. I suppose it’s misleading in two ways: one, they portray themselves to be something different in their pictures or actions. Second, they themselves are mislead to believe that they are more fantastic than they really are, which is typically spoon fed early on. These types are both equally annoying, and oftentimes feel justified seeking perfection (which newsflash, does NOT exist) as they themselves feel that they’ve already achieved it. We have to tackle these two different examples of misconception independently.

Type A: I look and act like this, I swear!

Something that tends to happen frequently is when people decide to be someone else to please someone else. Or, they just don’t photograph particularly well, so there are several types of pictures of them to which you’re unsure what they truly look like. OR…OR! You’re fully aware of what you look like, but find pictures that subtly cover what you’re insecure about. EXAMPLE: (We’ll call him Joe). Joe seems like a good guy as well, interested in health and fitness to the extent he recently switched careers to “health promotion,” from what I have no idea as he’s not willing to disclose. He sends me an email, that I’m beautiful and interesting and he would be “honored” (I am not putting words in here, just literally regurgitating it) to chat with me. Honored? Alright…trying too hard…but what the hell, I’ll see what he looks like and what he’s into. There are two pictures of Joe, that are actually the same picture up twice, showcasing Joe sitting at a bar with a hat and sunglasses on drinking a beer. He starts talking to me about how he switched into his new field because “the world is old and fat.”

Hmm…so you must be pretty fit? Pretty active? Health nut? But how am I to be sure? S

o I ask for another picture, one that does not involve the hat or sunglasses and he obliges, telling me that his hair is really short and that he’s not bald. “Okay,” I reply and wait for the message. I’ve got mail…and boy am I shocked to find he is in fact bald in the front and a little heavy. NOW I HAVE NO QUALMS with him being heavy, as I mentioned above (and anyone who knows my dating track record can attest to) I never decide who to date based on looks, as long as there ends up being some sort of physical attraction. Most of the time, I prefer a very tall guy and I could never date a guy who is supermodel thin (it’s just not for me). BUT, when you profess to be a trainer and you profess to be health obsessed and say things like “the world is old and fat,” you better be in perfect shape.

Fail.

Then he proceeds to say, “I bet you don’t want to talk to me anymore…” to which I answer, “Why is that?” although what I’m thinking is, no, I don’t like people who sort of…lie from the get go, no…and he replies, “I’m no Brad Pitt.” Lack of confidence is so sexy, topped off by your general demeanor and outlook on life as well as your…photos that were a little off…we’re done before it begins. If you are negative, lie or create a little “fib,” or lack confidence, OR do not practice what you preach…what happened to “PAUL” above can happen to you. Which it did…but unfortunately, Joe also violated another no-no…do NOT write things when you do not know someone like… “Hey sexy.” It’s revolting, it’s a turn off and it’s yikes worthy. It’s also a sure-fire way for us to not respond, leaving you scratching your bald head wondering why we don’t reply…because, my dear offender…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Type B: I’m awesome, because I say so!

There’s probably been at least one occasion in our dating lives that people have stopped you and been like…what are you thinking? Why date a lagoon create? Why date a heinous bitch? So on, so forth. But for some of us, we give people chances because we believe that they’re unique and special and all that barf worthy stuff. Have you ever encountered someone who you may have known years ago, who liked you, things happen and then suddenly, YOU’RE obsessed? And I don’t mean “you,” but I mean they begin to believe that you’re obsessed with them. Part of you at the time is like, wow, they liked me so long ago and they’re interested and maybe I missed out. So you go out on a limb, because just as you want to be the exception, you figure everyone else does too. Things happen, you think…”Great! I’ve made a good decision to explore past feelings in a mature, adult setting.”

False. FALSE, FALSE, FALSE.

First of all, on a tangent, I’m not sure any mature people even exist and secondly…you can never be too careful. You just can’t. Thinking is a highly dangerous exercise, and acting on your thoughts can be lethal. There was a friend of mine who knew of someone from middle school who was interested in her, and while they hadn’t spoken in many years, he found her and contacted her through some form of social media. “Wow, you are still so beautiful. How are you?!” She apparently had noticed time had been kind to him and he blossomed into a pretty good-looking dude. “You don’t look so bad yourself!” They chatted, he begged her to come visit him and voila! Guess what happened? I trust my readers to be smart, so eh…you know what that means. After the “boom boom pow,”  it was a cute and cuddly morning and lots of appreciation for her coming to see him and being with him, etc. When she returned she tried chatting with him as normal, and (shockingly enough!) he became squeamish, stating that he wasn’t really ready for a relationship.

From what I understand, that’s not what he was saying prior to their hookup, but he’s becoming a singer and couldn’t risk the chances of “blossoming further” and not being able to spread his seed to many more…lucky girls. Her reaction was more of a “get over yourself” attitude, as she was apparently just trying to keep it friendly. What I don’t get is, where someone gets off turning it around. She wasn’t sitting there begging him for a ring, or even a title as boyfriend girlfriend, just wanted to keep it friendly and keep it moving. She says that it was misconstrued, and being the hilarious woman she is, saved and shared the conversations with me. In the beginning, highly interested and then after the “incident,” fell off back into lagoon creature land thinking he’ll make it big as a Hollywood singer and will no longer need her. I suggested, that perhaps it’s because he wanted her so bad in middle school, then got her, then felt it right to be like…”PSYCHE! Gotcha bitch!” Who knows…but frankly, this kid isn’t going to find an Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox…not that he should’ve settled with her ( if he wasn’t happy!) but as crazy as men deem women to be, isn’t it just as crazy to ASSUME that she wanted anything more?

It wasn’t like she was acting like the above men, just trying to be friendly. Where’s the line of crazy drawn? What’s the crazy to friendly ratio and what’s “okay” to contact after a situation and what’s not? AND, who makes these rules?!?!? I’m sure you guys are kind of like, well, that was a slutty thing for her to do. However, did she do anything different then a man would have? She put herself out there thinking that she may have missed a big connection and went for it. I’m proud of her for doing so. If we don’t take risks how do we know? Commendable move, friend!

If we’re trying to be friendly with you and you misconstrue it, finding yourself there going, “WOAH! She wasn’t into me a few years ago, but she SO IS now,” and yet we’re not arguing when you say you don’t want a relationship, but are actually repulsed and irritated on the other end…SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Deflate your egos and stop “worrying,” about new obsessive “fans,” who are sincerely trying to keep the friends lane wide open. It’s lame. Seriously. What’s better is she ran into him while out in LA on a trip, they met up, and he made out with a friend of hers right in front of her. Did she freak out? No. Did she drink too much and disclose intimate details about him to his friends…yeah maybe…so an element of crazy still lurks there, but that’s another story for another time.

“Sexual Seduction”

This one in particular is both my favorite, and grosses me out. I’ve been really good, because I’ve been sitting on a few really good stories for a long while now, afraid that the same men who threaten me when they see I’m going to post this to my blog, would actually check up on it at the exact moment I upload “our” stories. Sadly, for this one in particular, I do not care. He’s sufficiently freaked me out for YEARS now and I’m pretty sure it’s time to release our lovely banter out into cyber space. We’ll call him…Jonah. Things that are not sexy…For starters, how about when after many years of not speaking, you feel some sort of delight in contact someone to talk dirty. We all know by now how I feel about “badgering” and this is no exception. He’s actually the original badger, believe it or not. Jonah and I go way back…to middle school, where his brother and I were in the same grade and he was a few years older. Luckily for my friends and I, Jonah taught us all we’d need to know about “pleasing” men by describing play by plays in great detail. At the time, we were young and dumb and soaked it all in, keeping his brother our good friend and having to see him every time we went over to hang out.

After he graduated, we didn’t keep in touch. It wasn’t until years later that Facebook played a huge role in reconnecting us. I was still in Tallahassee at the time, and his name popped up on Facebook chat as I was sitting next to my boyfriend at the time. My boyfriend said, “Who’s that?” I said, “Oh, just some guy from high school.” How do you explain any further when he’s really not important? In any case, he wound up getting very sexually explicit with me, so I removed him from my friends and blocked him from my AIM.

Recently, he resurfaced and I thought…it’s been years, what’s the worst that could happen? I should really ban that phrase from my vocabulary, along with other phrases like “it is what it is,” and “prrrrr-etty good.” Jonah and I reconnect and he instantly pops up on my Facebook chat: “Wow, you turned out to be one sexy Jew!” To which I respond, “Oh, hello there…so nice to hear from you. How are you?” We carry on a normal conversation for a while, but he proceeds to ask me some highly offensive, sexual questions. When I ask how his brother is, he scoots right over it, more interested in what landscaping techniques are, etc. Gross stuff, especially when you’ve not spoke in so long.

Somehow, he reversed blocked me on AIM so that I could not block him back. His sexual forwardness continued to grow, and it was not and is not ok. Particularly when you’re just starting to talk to someone again who already has this whacked view of you. So as I said, he reversed blocked, and so when I’d have statuses up like… “Getting ready for a date!” He’d reply like… “Ooh where am I meeting you,” or “wear something that accentuates your…” etc. I never responded and this is actually still continuing on a small level, despite the fact he literally said, “If this is making you uncomfortable or if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, just tell me.”

SO I did…and where do you think that’s gotten me? If you’re being explicit, you should maybe take a hint when the person says she’s not only not interested but is not responsive to your unique advances. If you’re a freaky person and she’s not, if you’re explicit and inappropriate causing her to feel like screaming every time you contact her and you’re wondering why you get no response? It’s as simple as this, SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

There are all different kinds of people, and everyone has their individual quirks. I suppose when it’s in regards to a typically gender specific topic it just gets me going. There’s no real difference between women and men. They both want what they want: to find the best partner, to be successful, to be loved on whatever level they’re capable of giving and receiving. Men don’t believe me when I tell them I’m relatively drama free, that I abhor conflict and that I’m pretty laid back. Perhaps that’s just my perception, and not reality, as it’s easier for me to be subjective rather than objective but I know I’m not always “fault free” either. No one is innocent, because relationships (friendships included) are (at least) two player games. But the next time you’re wondering why we don’t call, or why we don’t respond to what you say, etc…re-think what your actions may have been to get to that point, and realize…we’re just not that into you.